New Years Eve Standoff PART 2

[strugglingBF]

Mod Note:  part 1 of this thread is here:   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342067.0

My weekend: I failed to hold my ground on Saturday.  I ended up going an helping, partially due to some FOG-related threats thrown my way if I didn't go.  Nothing that would have been super hurtful to me if she followed through, but she won that round of the ultimatum game.  I am a Buffalo Bills fan and wanted to watch the game (started at 4:30).  They decided to go out of town to look at cars at 2:00 p.m. that day and it is an hour out of town.  Do the match and work in time for looking at cars and I knew I was going to miss a good portion of the game if I went.  My GF threw the "I should be more important than a football game".  She is good.  I know that me not going to watch the game is not me choosing a game over her.  I could say the same thing and tell her, "you know I want to see this game but you again let your daughters sleep habits dictate when this needs to be done".  I didn't go there.  I gave in because there is something inside me that say, "self, she is more important than any football game and you should show her that."  Yes, I know this is all in her plan.  I failed this time. I listened to it on the radio and watched the 4th quarter when I got home.  But I would have preferred to watch the entire thing.  

On Sunday, once again at 4:00 p.m. in the afternoon, after precious daughter gets her sleep in time, they want me to go look at another car that is an hour away.  I declined and stayed firm on my decision citing that they need to be respectful of my weekend as well.  I had stuff I wanted to do on Sunday...grocery shopping, hang with the kids a little bit, etc.  I was prepared for another ultimatum game, but it did not come.  Yes I got a long winded "I am not happy about you not coming" text with some open ended suggestions of retaliation but nothing like the day before.  

I did have a conversation with her on Saturday (the day I ended up going) over dinner where I told her that her ultimatums are not going to be tolerated moving forward.  I told her I know why she uses them and I am not going to keep giving in, and that they are not part of a healthy relationship.  She knows what she is doing when she uses them.  She isn't stupid.  I don't know if that is the reason she didn't wage war on Sunday when I didn't go or not.  I do know that I was expecting much worst on Sunday when I held my ground.

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[Ozzie101]

And if you continue to stand your ground, she may react more strongly -- the extinction burst. Be prepared for that. But consistency (with kindness and empathy, but firmness) will be key and, in the long run, will be much better for you and for your relationship.

[PeteWitsend]

...  It did feel good in a way, although I am surprised she didn't take it further.  One of my fears is that she will take a route of...going to another party after this with all kinds of drinking and single men.  That is the kind of thing she would do in the past out of anger and to get under my skin.  I was thankful it didn't go there. 

This behavior from her is just nasty; my XW did some things like that when we were dating, and it really permanently affected my ability to trust her.  To threaten to cheat over a minor thing like not going to a party is really extreme, and so disproportional to the action... wow. 

On the plus side, I had a good night with my kids.  We played board games and celebrated together.  My daughter is very intuitive and would not leave my side all night because she picked up I was a little sad that my GF wrote me off for the entire night.  About 12:30 a.m. after the ball drop, she asked me if I would be ok if she went upstairs and got ready for bed, and if I would be ok.  That kind of thing hits me hard and I fought back some tears till after she left.  She 100% was committed to keeping me company as long as I needed her.  I hope she never losses that kind heart.

Sounds like you have a couple of good kids there.  It's good you've prioritized keeping them first, and a shame she can't respect that.  In a healthy relationship, the question or issue wouldn't even come up.  I hope for your sake, and your kids' sake you keep this in mind. 

The contrast with her own spoiled daughter's behavior is pretty glaring. 

[strugglingBF]

Thanks Pete!  I appreciate your time and words of kindness.  I love hearing from members that are gone through similar things.  Ozzie has been a godsend, and I can't even express how it feels to have another person who doesn't even know me put that much of their time into helping me and giving advice.  I don't take that lightly. 

Yes, my GF can be pretty nasty.  As I have mentioned in numerous posts, even nastier when her daughter is acting up.  She needs a projection and she finds one in my kids.  I am super protective of my kids.  They are young and would not understand her silly outbursts.  I almost pulled the plug on the relationship last night because she called my kids social reject retards on the phone.  I know she is projecting and I am not supposed to take everything she says seriously.  But how are you supposed to build a life with someone who constantly projects on your kids.  My kids are lightyears ahead of hers were at the same ages.  Hell, they are lightyears ahead of where her kids are now with kindness, appreciation, cleaning up after themselves.  She calls them social rejects because my son likes band/music and video games and both my kids take a minute to warm up to strangers.  Is that even out of the ordinary?  Her son couldn't even order his own meal at a restaurant when we met because he was shy and didn't want to speak up.  That was at the same age as my son is now, and I never speak on his behalf.  I am nitpicking because her comparisons are so out of line with reality.  Her son didn't become social till he got a license and had some freedom.  My kids are 12 and 14.  I am just ranting, sorry.

[Ozzie101]

It's OK to vent. That's what we're here for.

What you don't want to do is bring up those points with your GF. Talking about or complaining about each other's children isn't likely to get either of you anywhere. Anyone would be defensive about their kids. It's natural.

I know she criticizes yours and projects like crazy. But if you don't want to throw fuel on the fire, don't play the game. Instead, I'd stop the conversation. There and then. Move on. Or leave and give her time to cool off. If you send a strong message that attacks on your kids won't be tolerated, eventually, she may finally move on -- at least to another avenue.

[Rev]

  She isn't stupid.  I don't know if that is the reason she didn't wage war on Sunday when I didn't go or not.  I do know that I was expecting much worst on Sunday when I held my ground.

Depends what you mean by "stupid"?  If you are meaning rational thinking, then that doesn't really factor. People with BPD are motivated by one thing - to not be abandoned - ever, even a little bit, for any reason, real or imagined.

A normal way of constructing the world around them is to base things on what I like to now call "emotions based facts". 

So - if you mean "not stupid" in the sense of self-preservation, I agree: You're GF is probably not stupid. You didn't get the push back you feared on Sunday?  Sounds like a win for you.   Now...  hold firm on the line (football analogy!) and don't give an inch. This new boundary you just set - that's the new line of scrimmage for you. And when she explodes - because one day she will - you say to yourself ... touchdown!

Rev

[strugglingBF]

Thanks Ozzie and Rev!  You both bring different perspectives and I enjoy both of your responses.  the in no doubt that I need to get better at not JADEing, especially when it involves my kids.  Many times I lash out back and I need to take a different approach entirely.  I have stopped her in her tracks a few times and purposely tried to killer her with kindness when she is projecting on my kids.  I have told her, "I'm sorry you feel that way.  I love your kids and want the best for them both.  I wish you felt the same about mine."  She usually goes silent when I take that approach.  I am a work in progress

[I Am Redeemed]

That was a hurtful thing she said about your kids. I'm sorry, that would have made me angry too to hear someone say something like that about my kids.

I am glad you are aware that lashing out in reaction to her comments is not a good way to handle the situation. Yes, you are a work in progress, and you can continue to improve. You have self-awareness when it comes to looking at what you can do differently, and that is good.

One thing we have to do in order to become less emotionally reactive in these situations is to identify triggers. You have identified that mean comments about your children is one of those triggers, as well as perhaps the projection and her failure to recognize her own children's behaviors. A good way to curb emotional reactivity to triggers is to plan in advance what you will say if she says something hurtful like this about your kids.

I think Ozzie gives very good advice about ending the conversation when she is verbally attacking your kids. That is an example of setting a boundary around mean comments directed at your children. She is free to say these things all she wants, but you do not have to listen to them.

Saying something about how you love her kids and you wish she felt the same can come off as being a little passive-aggressive. It may be better to simply state that you do not wish to listen to comments that insult your children and that you will be ending the conversation now. Then do so, before you get too emotionally charged to continue calmly.

[strugglingBF]

Thanks Redeemed!  I am really going to work on those things.  I have already started thinking ahead as to what I can say, although my "kill them with kindness" thing may come across passive aggressive I agree.  I will stick to the boundary route.  I am at wits end with her put downs of my kids.  I almost pulled the trigger on ending the relationship, but stopped short.  I honestly feel l need an escape plan if and when I pull the plug.  She is going to go crazy, I just know it.  Already been down that road once before and it is scary.  I need to get my house key back before I do anything, as well and un-programming my garage door from her car.  I would not trust her at all post break up.  I even think about getting cameras for my house.  It is like planning to break out of a prison.  I would need an escape plan.

[once removed]

How do you even begin to try to work with someone like this?  She is so gone from reality sometimes that even when I try to use some of the tools on this website they still don't help me.

the fair fighting tools can really help.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=164901.0

I did point out that she also chose to be with her son over me.  So she essentially did the same thing that she is verbally berating me for doing.  How does she not see this?

when someone gets angry with you, lets you have it, itd be lovely to point out to them hey, cut me some slack, youve done this or that before, and have them agree and relax. i can tell you how many times ive tried that approach.

its very rare that conflict works that way. usually, its just gasoline on the fire. the person doing the complaining doesnt feel heard, they feel shut down. they up the ante, you up the ante, and then its just two people shouting at each other. so the most important thing to do in the short term is to actively listen https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy. that takes a lot of steam out. get a feel for what the person is really trying to communicate. that makes it easier to communicate later.

Fast forward to this morning...I call my GF with a positive mindset and she immediately says I chose my kids over her.  Damn right I did (I didn't say that to her).

i think what she was trying to communicate is "i want to see you on new years". its an important thing for most sweethearts. beyond that, she extended the invitation to your kids, which suggests that she wants to involve them, be involved with them, be a part of their lives, or at the very least, considers them and values that they are important to you.

if the two of you are considering marrying each other, this was a loaded message to send her. she will hear it as "there will always be someone that comes before you, that you will have to compete with, and youll lose".

blending a family is very difficult in the best of circumstances. if she repeatedly feels isolated or in competition with your kids, she will start to resent you, your kids, she will detach from the relationship out of self preservation.