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Author Topic: Can’t stop thinking about the sex me and my ex bpd use to have. Need advice  (Read 923 times)
Thedubman123

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« on: January 08, 2020, 04:20:29 PM »

As a person, I’m so happy my ex is completely out of my life. The only thing I am missing right now is the amazing sex we use to have. First off, I’ve been broken up with my ex bpd for five weeks and have gone NC and I am keeping it that way. She was so much better than any previous partner I ever had. I always find my self thinking about it! She’s been my tool everytime i masterbate and I feel like that is so unhealthy. Even when I try porn my mind always drifts to her. What do I do? I feel like by doing this she will always have a hold on me. I hope this question is not inappropriate but it’s a serious problem I am having. Can anybody relate?
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2020, 09:21:49 PM »

Hi Thedubman123,

If you are saying that you’re worried that you’re not going to have the same sexual I tenacity that’s you had with your ex - you’re probably right about that but it’s also different and good.

So the self work, become the best version of yourself that you can be. It’s different with the partner that I’m with now because there’s intimacy there,

I don’t have walls up and either does she  we can be ourselves together and share intimate things and not have to worry about hurting the other persons ego or insecurities there’s none of that negative energy that comes with a pwBPD.

We don’t have the perfect r/s what I mean is I missed the emotional roller coaster r/s that I had with my ex the first few months of our break up because that became a routine for a long time - it becomes normal. I found that I really like being in a stable r/s a lot more than what I used to have because theres unconditional love, there’s support not constant negativity that’s damages the r/s instead of strengthening the r/s.
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« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2020, 12:53:14 AM »

I don't have any advice, I feel the same.

As for the fantasies, I say don't feel guilty.  You can't control your fantasies or decide what turns you on. It just is. Don't worry about it. Fantasy life is not the same as real life. Give yourself a break.
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Thanos

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« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2020, 10:14:45 AM »

It is okay, don`t stress about it!

I had the same thing going on. It will take time and one moment you will masturbate and be suprised that your mind didn`t drift to her. For me it took about 4-6 months.

And what helps more, take a break from masturbation, it will have some surprising benefits! #NoFap

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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2020, 11:06:19 AM »

Ok to put a spin on this and play devil's advocate here...You are telling me she is the reason why the sex was good. In other words you are placing her on a pedestal. You are giving her the power and acting like her vagina is and was the greatest thing since sliced bread. What a joke. First, don't sell yourself short. Second, realize that that there is a lesson to be learned here...she brought something out of you...learn to use that with someone else. She is not the keeper of your pleasure. She does not will dominion over you...PERIOD!

You must realize that if you develop an emotional connection first and there isn't a physical thing then the sex will be more fulfilling. I say this because if your sex was so great with her why in the hell do you think it will only have been that good with just her? That just doesn't make any kind of sense to me.

Just as a side note...if all a woman can do is bring sex to the table then please kick rocks because if that is your trump card then that shows you have very little value because you do not value yourself.

So understand you are in a lot more control than you realize. Develop that inner confidence and internal validation. In other words...take the wisdom from the experience and learn to apply it moving forward. You will find better and if you can learn your lessons and take them with you then will find a partner who probably pleases even better than the last one. Think abundance, not scarcity.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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AbuNassif

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« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2020, 09:32:18 PM »

Man, that's hard. I'm still with my wife - but I'm not sure for how long - she's so amazingly beautiful. Everything about her. Even after yesterday's over the top tantrum. Haven't had as much as a touch for over half a year. And it's over, it really is. But how will it actually, practically end? Bankruptcy? At my age? I have photos of her, beautiful photos that I will have to throw out some day, I suspect. It's hard to believe all that beauty and all that fun and hard driving sex is over, but guess what, so is that amazing love, that wonderful family life, and the dreams of getting old with someone who would do anything for you ... really, you're hung up on what to jerk off about? Sorry. I know it's hard, but think about what you had to pay for that. Those conflicted feelings you're having now, you're still paying.
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itsmeSnap
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« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2020, 09:42:59 PM »

Excerpt
She’s been my tool everytime i masterbate and I feel like that is so unhealthy
Shame is a very complicated thing. You're mind is settled into "I shouldn't feel this for her", but you do feel it.

First step is accepting you do, and that's ok. Sex is sex, not love, not connection. Ever had a one night stand?

 If she was so good at sex then she was good at sex, and you'll remember it for a long time, if not the rest of your life. It's ok, its something that happened, you learned from it (hopefully? I learned a thing or two from my bpdex  Being cool (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))

If you're looking for good sex you will probably find it if you try enough. If you're looking for loving sex then thats a different story.
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BrokenSpokane
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« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2020, 03:19:15 AM »

I can relate. Sex with my exBPD was intense. She wasn't the most attractive or best in bed I've had. However, it was like a porn movie. I won't go into details, but the things she said, adventures we had with other people and exploratory things we did with toys and rope were fun. It was like living out a fantasy, for there was hardly anything she'd say no to.

Just remember though, from her perspective, sex was a way of controlling you. Not about love or intimacy.

I recommend you listen to Ashley Berges's show on this topic:

https://youtu.be/4DUj3QHfx7Q

It describes my relationship exactly. I related to everything she said and it helped put the feelings you're having in perspective for me (I felt them too). Helped me a lot get out of that wanting her mode. She was like a drug. All because of the sex.

I subscribe to her channel. She has a lot of shows about BPD, relationships with people with BPD, why that is and how to recover from them.
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Frankee
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« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2020, 01:42:45 PM »

My exbpd did the same thing.  Once told me that he felt like when everything else was falling apart, that sex was what was holding us together, and it was never a problem.  He is wrong in so many aspects. 

Sex was a problem at times.  He very much enjoyed dabbling in the other pleasures of women.  The problems arose when he wanted to have the multiple women at once and I did not want it or do it.  He had a superiority complex that he was just too much of a man for one woman.  Wanted me to have a gf that he could have relations with whenever he wanted.

When he thought sex was holding us together, it wasn't that at all.  It was me still believing that I loved him enough and wanted to make things work.  I agreed to do so many things with him to keep him happy.  Once told my gf he's the best I've ever had.  I wondered why that is.  The honest truth is he's a big tall guy that is well endowed.  I confused our sex life for love for much longer than I should.  itsmeSnap has a good point.  Sex is just sex, not a love connection.  You can't base a real relationship off sex.  What happens when the sex is factored out?  What do you have left?
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2020, 05:09:56 PM »

"Sex is just sex, not a love connection.  You can't base a real relationship off sex.  What happens when the sex is factored out?  What do you have left?" - Frankee...A truer statement could never be made. Sadly we live in a culture where most (not all) people base too much emphasis on sex and then they whine, B*tch, and complain about how unhappy they are. To those people I say cry me an effing river...you brought it on yourself and you didn't do your due diligence on your partner. If you want love then make the effort and take the time necessary. If you want sex then change your expectations and mindsets.

My personal opinion is that you can always make sex better with your selected partner. Now that has more to do with how I approach the situation more than anything though...I refuse to have crappy sex. My partner could be insecure or a cold fish (my ex wife was absolutely terrible at first and it took work, but over time it became fun, electric and fulfilling), but I look at it as more of a challenge of studying her to make the act more fun, exciting, and fulfilling. It takes communication. If she makes me happy and we have fun together and she stimulates me intellectually then I will make the necessary effort to work on the physical. Real seduction takes place in the events leading up to the act. Communication...develop chemistry and get to know your partner inside and out and then there is just no way sex will suck. This is why sex isn't such a big deal to me and doesn't hold as much power over me as others. If I don't or can't fall in love with you before we have sex I will never fall in love with you...but then again I am an enigma of a personality and this is my experience.

Cheers and thank you for sharing Frankee!

-SC-  
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SWLSR
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« Reply #10 on: January 12, 2020, 06:22:29 PM »

Ok I have been there.  It was nearly nine years ago that my then wife and I separated.  I had the same issue it was hard not just the sex. It the whole connection was all gone almost over night.   Now first of all you need to get control of yourself.  In my case I had my first post marriage sexual encounter about nine months after we separated and I discovered there was good sex out there.  But more importantly I discovered that sex was not the only thing to find happiness
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« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2020, 11:29:55 PM »

Another funny thing about desire is that anything forbidden or taboo can seem more hot just because it's forbidden or taboo. So if you tell yourself, "I should stop thinking about this" then you will think about it more. Instead just say, "I get to think about it all the time if I want. It has nothing to do with real life." Eventually the fantasies will lose their charge and will be replaced by other fantasies.
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Teddy007
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« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2020, 04:21:41 AM »

it was the same for me. I also masturbated and thought about her. Really unhealthy. The addiction fot he highs and lows, and sex is just a weapon for manipulation.

My UD BPD/NPD ex gf. left me for another guy. And she has been charm ever since, the cycle feels like it never ends. Anyways after the first charm she knew how addicted she had made me to the sex with her. So she told me that she was having a lot of sex with the new guy. And it was better in so many ways.

This almost killed me. But now almost 5 months out i have come to realise that the sex was not really that good. Well it was but it had more to do with the manipulation and the trauma bond. Highs and lows and so on...

Yea sure i still miss the sex, but it was porn not love so i mean it has nothing really to do with anything just the control. And before this weekend when i started to come out of the fog i felt that the sex was not really that great and it really did not hurt me that much thinking of the new guy fuc&ing her brains out.

This is normal for most of us whom been abused by these people. It will pass and you will have better sex don´t worry. As some others her said, maybe best to just take a break from masturbation for awhile,  and if that is to hard then try not to think about her when you do it.

It is pure torture and it will keep you stuck!
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