Hurtful words about my dog dying

[nomodrama]

Hi,
I came to this site originally due to my sister being uBPD and now I learned my Sister in law (who I will call uBPD SIL 61) also now gives me reason believe she also is BPD! I recently had a death of my mom July 8 and major family strife with enmeshed sister person with uPBD, stopped talking to both my brother and sister but recently just restarted positive contact after months of no contact. I felt good about that and then my beloved 14 yo dog died too Dec 10. OK, that's life and I am nursing a broken heart.
I called my uBPD SIL 61 to ask her to call her 10 years younger brother (my husband whom she had been close with) to ask her help to cheer him up about the dog dying, and talk about us driving 700 miles to visit the family (85 yo dad and children specifically) and have Christmas together. I told her about our heartbreak and how I felt my dog's last breath and could not even type an email because the grief was SO physical for me. And that we hadn't left the house for two weeks (we can work from home). I would think she could understand we were very sad and even offered some words like you can only feel that way if you really know how to feel love.

We drove 2 days to CA and on Christmas night sitting with uBPD SIL 61 husband in between us on a couch, uBPD SIL 61 asked me what I got the great nieces and great nephew for Christmas as we were watching them open presents. I said:
I did not get anyone anything because were in the house with the dog for two weeks and spent the last week crying"  and she said to me "couldn't you have put $10 in a card?"   I was dumbfounded but my reaction was I said " I guess could open my wallet and start passing out money" . Then the little girl immediately handed me my present from her to me, a sweet drawing of my dog.
In hind sight there really was not much else I could have said at that point or even the next day without causing drama. She has a history of drama with every single member of the family. At the very least she presents several symptoms of a person with BPD- but could also be something else as I am not a professional (dementia from drug and alcohol abuse maybe).

I told my husband and other nice SIL about the interactions (there were a few other slights too), they both said she's stupid, she's special needs, she was raped as a teen and does not have empathy, she never had a child or a pet to love and my husband said I should forget it, "F -her"and tried to tell me I should let it go because it is not me, it is all her, she was addicted to ambien 10 years and she was "probably" drunk.

I can't let it go. This was very hurtful for me and exasperated my grief since I feel like she showed me her true character and how little she cares about my grief or my feelings. I don't claim to really love her so I don't expect her to love me either, we have little connection but I have known her for 24 years and we are in the same family. This is not the first time she has been shtty to me, so I cut her out of my two social media sights and blocked her and her husband's phone # from my cell. I told my husband that I don't want his sister in my life anymore, she cannot come to our house for any visits, basically I will have NO contact with her and emotionally, she is dead to me. I feel this is very drastic and feel like I am over reacting a bit but I have had enough abuse with my family of origin. I am not tolerating it from her or anyone anymore. I cannot ask her for an apology. The result I want is not to make-up and continue any relationship with her, I'd rather her not be in my life for many reasons (her alcohol abuse and not respecting my sobriety goals is a major one)

Without going into uBPD SIL 61 life problems, I am here to ask for help...How to stop ruminating on the hurtful words spoken to me?  How do I let it go? Radical acceptance?

Any opinions about me cutting her out is welcome as I am questioning myself on that since she is my husbands brother. My therapist said I don't need to have ANY interactions with her. Should I unblock her phone in case she does want to appologize to me?
At some point I will have to see her again.

[Four Winds]

Nomodrama your story resonates with me about your beloved dog. My beautiful dog passed away at 14 years and I also held her until her last breath. I was distraught and grief stricken for weeks just like you. My uBPD SIL who delights in being hurtful, cruel and dismissive towards me behaved similarly, she in fact never even mentioned it, even though she had been on holiday with family staying with me in my house during the last few days of my dog’s life. Never said a word, just ignored my sadness, said nothing. No empathy, Nomodrama, no empathy. If it’s not all about them, then it doesn’t warrant their attention. What you are expecting is for a normal human reaction to the situation, but they are incapable of this.  BPDs are not normal, so do not expect normal.

My advice is to DO NOTHING, do not go out of your way to cut her out as this will cause family drama, giving her the attention she wants and more fuel to cause you more hurt.  I suggest you don’t go out of your way to try and punish her as she will then become a more formidable enemy.  What you want is for a peaceful and happy life for yourself, not one filled with anger and negative thoughts.  Leave that fate for your SIL, let her sit and stew and be miserable and negative about anyone and everyone who is happier than her while YOU live your life in peaceful harmony.  Train yourself to make her invisible, become immune to her behaviour, pretend she doesn’t exist. Forget about apologies, they don’t mean anything to her anyway. Unblock her but avoid her on her social media.  Unfortunately, when we have these BPDs in our families we are not always able to just delete them so easily, not without causing possible further harm and damage to ourselves and to other family members.  If she were just an acquaintance you could cut her out of your life, but she is your husband’s sister which can make it awkward for the family.  So change your tactic. When you see her, just be normal and do not give her any ammunition, smile sweetly but go the grey rock, medium chill, and REFUSE to let her upset you ever again.  You have the power, she does not.  This works, and I can promise you, your life will settle down more and more as you work on excising her from your soul. She does not deserve any more real estate in your brain. Purge her from your internal conscience and live your best life.

[nomodrama]

Thank you Four Winds,
I really needed to hear this. My dog was so important to me, esp since I have no children, she was part of my family. I cannot wrap my mind around someone being so heartless about someone else grief over their dog dying. It opened my eyes wider to her character and hind sight, I wished I would have keep my distance but she chose to sit where I was already sitting.
I unblocked her phone # but I cannot undo the unfriending on FB and Instagram but I don't want her to have access to my life anyway.
I mostly post pics of my dogs and most of my friends love dogs (or at least love mine). The other clue about her was my other dog (whom we brought with us) kept growling at her, he is a nice dog. I read that dogs can smell pheromones and watch body language so he could probably tell by both of our smell and body language that there is unease and negativity. My dog can tell from another room if I am upset, there is an energy he senses very well. She made snide comments about him and did not even pet him... I'm feeling better about it today.
She had asked my husband about coming to visit us to go camping. I made it clear she is not welcome at our house unless she decides to quit drinking. When she calls, my husband said he will tell her that she insulted me so some point in the future it will come out. I am guessing she does not even remember saying anything to me or think she does not think she was rude to me at all. I am hoping that she won't call and invite herself again. She is 61 and my husband is 51, they can meet at her house if he wants to spend time with her in the future (which he does not) and I am not afraid to see her again, it will just be weird and I like the visual of being a grey happy rock.

I am hoping that we can keep it from 85 yo Dad, but if he finds out it won't be a surprise to him since she has been estranged from her other sister and niece for 4 years until recently. 
I will move on and not caring and  happiness will be my revenge.

[nomodrama]

Four Winds- I am sorry for your loss. I take comfort there are still people with feelings who have loved and lost an animal who can empathize with us.

[Four Winds]

Thank you Nomodrama your kind condolences are appreciated. Likewise I offer my thoughts to you about losing your furry friend and hope you can find comfort, strength and support on this site.  How are you feeling today about your uBPD SIL?  Hoping you are making her views and her attitude towards you less and less important and relevant.  Enjoy being that happy grey rock when you next cross paths.!

[Harri]

Hi.

I am so sorry you lost your pup.    

[Mommydoc]

So sorry about your dog. I lost one dog a year ago and another last summer.  They had great lives and were old and suffering towards the end, but your story totally resonates with me.  I am so sorry your SIL was hurtful.  I have learned that when I need support, never to seek or expect it from my uBPD family member.   In fact, I share as little as possible about anything, as being vulnerable with her, almost always gets turned on me at some point in time.  I am glad you are finding support on this board and encourage you to seek support from other friends and family in your life.   I agree with limiting your contact with her, and focusing on yourself and your own grief and healing.  Hugs!

[Methuen]

Hi Nomodrama

I am sorry you lost your dog

How to stop ruminating on the hurtful words spoken to me?

What has helped me deal with the hurtful things my uBPD mom has said to me, is to just accept her disease, and work towards not taking the things she says personally any more.  

She could (and has) said plenty of nasty things to plenty of good people.  Sometimes it's just timing, and who's most available to be her punching bag in the moment she needs that sense of power.  So now I try to be a robot and not "feel" anything (because it's the disease saying those things).  If she sees she's not getting a reaction, or if I leave the situation, she will stop.  After all, she doesn't behave like that with inanimate objects because they don't give her a reaction.  I haven't actually had to test that in one of her all-out rages yet (just smaller stuff), but I think I'm ready for the next time, and actually looking forward to being able to pull it off.  Then I'll know I'm healing.

Having said that, it's not easy.  It's a process of gradual acceptance, observation, and detachment (in that order for me).

I am happy for both you and your dog that you had many good years together.  When you notice yourself ruminating, focus instead on the joy in your heart that you and your dog brought each other, and for the time you had together.  

[nomodrama]

Thank you Mommydoc and Methuen, this helps, it helps to know I am not the only one.

The drama continued yesterday when she called to say call her back ASAP so she could book a flight that was about to expire for a trip to come see us to go camping or to a beer festival. We did not leave last seeing her on the idea that she was invited, she invited herself and I never asked her to come camping, her and her husband flying-in to go tent camping where we would have to act as travel guides gathering all the gear, tents etc. and I do not drink and I am sober 8 1/2 years. Her lack of understanding that it is not a good idea to plan attending a beer festival at your brother's house where his wife is sober doesn't surprise me but just another insult.
I don't know how to not take her insults personally. I think my upbringing to fight back is too ingrained in me.
I let her call yesterday set me off and I felt I  had to nip it in the bud and texted her that she said hurtful words to me and I need to protect my sobriety and don't wish to have drinking in my house. I should not have texted but still too angry at her to talk without getting emotional (plus still grieving my dog dying and her insults were around that). I have been devastated and finally getting to a place where I don't cry everyday. I have been working on mourning my loss and this SIL stuff brings me feelings of anger and exasperates my grief, like mixes together and sadness of loss and the anger someone does not care. I had to leave to go to a Pet Loss Art Therapy class (ironic) so I wrote her an email after my other sister in law and husband both said I need to tell her what she said that hurt me (that she does not remember saying).
So now I am feeling bad for sending my laundry list of insults she dealt. I feel I need to stick-up for myself, have self-respect and not enable her to treat me that way. I don't expect and apology.  Something a friend said when I asked her "why do I have so many people in my life that treat me bad?" She said because I let them. So if I don't get an amends, at least I stood-up for my self and not bought into her families co-dependent behavior of letting her act the way she does. I don't feel good about it and seems like it's my "need to be right".
I don't want her at my house and I have a right to not have drunks or people (family or not) who insult me at my house. I am not sure if she will admit to the bad treatment she dealt me on Christmas but at least it is out in the open that she hurt my feelings and it is out timely.  I feel childish saying that words hurt my feelings but dang it, word DO hurt!
My therapist said I don't owe her anything. I see my therapist again in a few days thankful to have sane ears to listen to me!