Surprised, confused, recognition and processing

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Dear readers,

My relationship has been out for 8 months. I feel very surprised. She fell in love with someone else and told me that this was my fault. That I could have known that our relationship was going badly. That I did not pay attention. While I thought this was the love of my life and I really didn't see what went wrong. Maybe I have indicated more limits lately.

Recently I know she has a mild form of BPD. I did not know. I did realize that we often had violent arguments. But never linked to BPD. I am so surprised by this that I am revising our relationship.

Looking back I see:

That it was often my fault.
That there were mood changes
That different rules applied to me than to her. That I saw a different person at home than at friends.

I ended the relationship after her crush and the various anger attacks that followed. Now that the relationship is over, I am very sad, but also angry. I feel fooled. I don't trust her anymore. and I can hardly stop thinking about it or letting go. And I doubt if I see it well. I always think I'm exaggerating it myself. Maybe it's me? It has developed so subtly and is now breaking so surprisingly painfully.

I would love to read comments from people who recognize or have similar stories. Because my doubts about whether I see it well, keep coming.

Thanks for that and reading, Bo

[Bo1975]

Dear readers,

My relationship has been out for 8 months. I feel very surprised. She fell in love with someone else and told me that this was my fault. That I could have known that our relationship was going badly. That I did not pay attention. While I thought this was the love of my life and I really didn't see what went wrong. Maybe I have indicated more limits lately.

Recently I know she has a mild form of BPD. I did not know. I did realize that we often had violent arguments. But never linked to BPD. I am so surprised by this that I am revising our relationship.

Looking back I see:

That it was often my fault.
That there were mood changes
That different rules applied to me than to her. That I saw a different person at home than at friends.

I ended the relationship after her crush and the various anger attacks that followed. Now that the relationship is over, I am very sad, but also angry. I feel fooled. I don't trust her anymore. and I can hardly stop thinking about it or letting go. And I doubt if I see it well. I always think I'm exaggerating it myself. Maybe it's me? It has developed so subtly and is now breaking so surprisingly painfully.

I would love to read comments from people who recognize or have similar stories. Because my doubts about whether I see it well, keep coming.

Thanks for that and reading, Bo

[BrokenSpokane]

Wow, that was my relationship exactly. She would say everything was my fault. She'd say almost daily that I treated her like a convenience (but never really explained what that meant). Like you, she'd constantly change the rules. Hypocrisy, belittling, name calling, blaming, violent rages, accusations. She said she wished I was dead one time. She would pick apart my words. Example: we were at the grocery store and she asked me if we had pasta at the the house. I said that I bought some the other day, so I have noodles in the cupboard. She flew into a rage accusing me that I don't consider us a couple because I used, "I have noodles in the cupboard" instead of, "we have noodles in the cupboard". So everytime in the future I always tried to use, 'we' for everything. But of course I would soup. Then I'd get laid into again with anger for saying, "I'. Sidenote: I caught her saying, 'I' in a similar situation and I jokingly called her on it. I didn't yell or make a big deal, but pointed it out. She didn't say anything. Hypocrisy. That's the walking on eggshells part. It's all manipulative behavior.

It's not you. You're not crazy, it's not your fault and you're not alone.

Yes, she was a different person at home than with friends because only the people in the home get to see it. You were close to her.

Don't doubt yourself. You did the right thing. Divert your thoughts when you start thinking about 'what if I would of done/said ______ instead'. It's a whack-a-mole game. With my ex anyway, there's no scenario where it would of been right. Maybe I could of said or done something different that would of avoided that particular instance, but there would be another one taking it's place. It's a no-win scenario with someone that has a mental disorder and you're trying to play by normal people rules. Don't romanticize or try and reconcile the past. You were in a no-win, circular scenario. They have a bottomless pit of emptiness inside that you're trying to fill up and they're trying to get you to fill up. Doesn't work. I literally drove myself insane and suicidal trying to fill it and play by her constantly changing rules.

Couldn't do it. I'm so grateful I'm no longer with her.

Keep strong, love yourself, do what makes you happy.

[Bo1975]

Thank you for this!

[Teddy007]

This is typical BPD/NPD behavior. Was exactly the same for me. Read about it and educate yourself in the disorder. You will be shocked when you notice it kind a feels like you are reading your own relationship. Freaky stuff.

But one thing i promise you, she is like an empty well with a big hole in the bottom. No matter how much attention you would give her it would never be enough.

It is truly sad when you understand that it is nothing you can do. The outcome will always be the same, all the phases, the same thing will happen to the new guy as well.

Just understand and trust me, nothing of this was or is your fault. There was and is nothing you can do. It is hard to not take it personal but this is just how it is. They are sick and don´t feel empathy or anything else in the same way as normal people do. Really hard to accept that she did not love you, as my ex did not love me, as we loved them with all our heart. They don´t love and attach in the same way. That is why it is so easy for them just to move on.

Go NC and try to accept it. Don´t get stuck in this nightmare. It is really hard but there is nothing you can do.

[Stillhopeful4]

Example: we were at the grocery store and she asked me if we had pasta at the the house. I said that I bought some the other day, so I have noodles in the cupboard. She flew into a rage accusing me that I don't consider us a couple because I used, "I have noodles in the cupboard" instead of, "we have noodles in the cupboard". So everytime in the future I always tried to use, 'we' for everything. But of course I would soup. Then I'd get laid into again with anger for saying, "I'. Sidenote: I caught her saying, 'I' in a similar situation and I jokingly called her on it. I didn't yell or make a big deal, but pointed it out. She didn't say anything. Hypocrisy. That's the walking on eggshells part. It's all manipulative behavior.

WOW this sounds like my W.  Always making me say "We" or "OUR".  And if I didn't claiming that I was controlling everything calling it MINE and not including her.  IE...me having a one on one conversation with a friend on the phone and saying "My son" and her flipping out (mind you he is my son and not her son).

SH4

[Bo1975]

This is typical BPD/NPD behavior. Was exactly the same for me. Read about it and educate yourself in the disorder. You will be shocked when you notice it kind a feels like you are reading your own relationship. Freaky stuff.

But one thing i promise you, she is like an empty well with a big hole in the bottom. No matter how much attention you would give her it would never be enough.

It is truly sad when you understand that it is nothing you can do. The outcome will always be the same, all the phases, the same thing will happen to the new guy as well.

Just understand and trust me, nothing of this was or is your fault. There was and is nothing you can do. It is hard to not take it personal but this is just how it is. They are sick and don´t feel empathy or anything else in the same way as normal people do. Really hard to accept that she did not love you, as my ex did not love me, as we loved them with all our heart. They don´t love and attach in the same way. That is why it is so easy for them just to move on.

Go NC and try to accept it. Don´t get stuck in this nightmare. It is really hard but there is nothing you can do.

Thank you for your response. makes me feel good to read, because sometimes I really think I'm going crazy. I never really recognized it, I was crazy about her ! I often saw myself being happy to be home alone. and I noticed that I no longer told what was on my mind. I always felt too much. It seemed to get worse after buying a house together. more sensitive, faster panic, compulsive behavior. And I was always told that we had discussed things that I forgot. And I believed it, because I sometimes forgot something. I have often asked in our relationship to seek help for herself, because I saw that she found things difficult. I granted her help because I loved her. Never thought of BPD. She postponed this for years. And in the end she said that I expected that because she wasn't good enough for me. And that was the reason to fall in love with someone else. Then came at times when I expected that she would do her best for the relationship, that she had attacks of anger on me. she seemed to destroy it. This I did not know so extreme. It hurt so much, I couldn't help but stop the relationship. I explained to her 4x why, and she kept saying that I had made unthinkable choices and did it to her. I don't know what happens to me ! thanks for reading and support, very nice! feel very alone here !

[SinisterComplex]

Dear readers,

My relationship has been out for 8 months. I feel very surprised. She fell in love with someone else and told me that this was my fault. That I could have known that our relationship was going badly. That I did not pay attention. While I thought this was the love of my life and I really didn't see what went wrong. Maybe I have indicated more limits lately.

Recently I know she has a mild form of BPD. I did not know. I did realize that we often had violent arguments. But never linked to BPD. I am so surprised by this that I am revising our relationship.

Looking back I see:

That it was often my fault.
That there were mood changes
That different rules applied to me than to her. That I saw a different person at home than at friends.

I ended the relationship after her crush and the various anger attacks that followed. Now that the relationship is over, I am very sad, but also angry. I feel fooled. I don't trust her anymore. and I can hardly stop thinking about it or letting go. And I doubt if I see it well. I always think I'm exaggerating it myself. Maybe it's me? It has developed so subtly and is now breaking so surprisingly painfully.

I would love to read comments from people who recognize or have similar stories. Because my doubts about whether I see it well, keep coming.

Thanks for that and reading, Bo

First, your story like many others...it just sucks to go through. I do not want to give you a canned I'm sorry response. I am here to support you. This board is here to support you. With that being said...please do not blame yourself or allow yourself to fall into that trap. You were drawn in by intensity...its the nature of these disordered relationships. They overcompensate to cover up their short-comings. Sadly, you were a victim and now you will be a survivor who comes out better on the other side of this stronger than ever before.

The most important point I want to bring up here that should really help you on your journey toward healing...if you cannot trust someone then there is no foundation for any kind of relationship. You detach and drop them like a bad habit and move on. Trust and respect are the pillars for any relationship and without those 2 that person is a complete waste of your time. Trust in your version of reality and have the fortitude to want better, expect better, do better.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[dt9000]

Don't doubt yourself. You did the right thing. Divert your thoughts when you start thinking about 'what if I would of done/said ______ instead'. It's a whack-a-mole game. With my ex anyway, there's no scenario where it would of been right. Maybe I could of said or done something different that would of avoided that particular instance, but there would be another one taking it's place. It's a no-win scenario with someone that has a mental disorder and you're trying to play by normal people rules. Don't romanticize or try and reconcile the past. You were in a no-win, circular scenario. They have a bottomless pit of emptiness inside that you're trying to fill up and they're trying to get you to fill up. Doesn't work. I literally drove myself insane and suicidal trying to fill it and play by her constantly changing rules.

This is spot-on. I've never seen this point worded better.