Things were getting better..

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So after X-mas i started feeling better. The pain eased and i started to feel better. I even meet someone on new years eve whom i have been seeing on the weekends.

I have told her my situation and been totally honest with her. I also told her that it might be too soon to go into something serious. She has been really understanding with me and i really started feeling drawn to her and we have had some great weekends.

Now last Saturday my UDBPD/NPD ex gf. started to phone me from a new number once again, i have her blocked everywhere and has so far blocked 7 different unknown numbers that she has tried to contact me from. Well 10 missed calleds 14 messages, really bad once!

How much she loved me, how much she hated me, that she can´t live without me, that she wants me to die and so on.. Really bad stuff.

And then she went to my workplace (nightclub) and started a whole really bad drama scene outside and got aggresive. Then about 3 o´clock the same night she came behind my door.

And the girl i am dating was here. She was screaming stuff like she was gonna kill us and all kinds of crazy. Finally when i went out to talk with her and got her to calm down she started crying and broke down in my arms. She said over and over again how sorry she was for everything and that she loved me and just did not understand why she has done what she did. And that she really did not love the other guy, and never loved anyone as much as me.

As i see things from my BPD/NPD eyes i saw it all as and extreme desperate charm. She probably found out about the girl and that is why she acted like this?

Anyways the next day (yesterday) when we woke up i felt really bad, like i had taken 4 steps back and was back to the beginning, the pain is back, feeling really bad and anxiety, panic  the trauma it all...

The girl that i have been dating was going home on sunday as she lives about 80 km from where i live. I just looked at the clock all day and just wanted the time to pass so she would leave. When she touched me i felt sick to my stomach. When the time finally came and i drove her to the train station and she left i started to cry in the car on my way home. When i came home i throw up for feeling so bad and had such a bad anxiety attack...

I unblocked my BPD/NPD ex and wrote her a message, asked if she was alright and told her that she can not do this anymore. She needs to leave me alone.  Her answer was cold and distant, and somewhat mean. I regret texting her, and blocked her number again.

But after all of this i am just feeling really really sad, depressed and bad again... The nightmare will never end!

[Teddy007]

So after X-mas i started feeling better. The pain eased and i started to feel better. I even meet someone on new years eve whom i have been seeing on the weekends.

I have told her my situation and been totally honest with her. I also told her that it might be too soon to go into something serious. She has been really understanding with me and i really started feeling drawn to her and we have had some great weekends.

Now last Saturday my UDBPD/NPD ex gf. started to phone me from a new number once again, i have her blocked everywhere and has so far blocked 7 different unknown numbers that she has tried to contact me from. Well 10 missed calleds 14 messages, really bad once!

How much she loved me, how much she hated me, that she can´t live without me, that she wants me to die and so on.. Really bad stuff.

And then she went to my workplace (nightclub) and started a whole really bad drama scene outside and got aggresive. Then about 3 o´clock the same night she came behind my door.

And the girl i am dating was here. She was screaming stuff like she was gonna kill us and all kinds of crazy. Finally when i went out to talk with her and got her to calm down she started crying and broke down in my arms. She said over and over again how sorry she was for everything and that she loved me and just did not understand why she has done what she did. And that she really did not love the other guy, and never loved anyone as much as me.

As i see things from my BPD/NPD eyes i saw it all as and extreme desperate charm. She probably found out about the girl and that is why she acted like this?

Anyways the next day (yesterday) when we woke up i felt really bad, like i had taken 4 steps back and was back to the beginning, the pain is back, feeling really bad and anxiety, panic  the trauma it all...

The girl that i have been dating was going home on sunday as she lives about 80 km from where i live. I just looked at the clock all day and just wanted the time to pass so she would leave. When she touched me i felt sick to my stomach. When the time finally came and i drove her to the train station and she left i started to cry in the car on my way home. When i came home i throw up for feeling so bad and had such a bad anxiety attack...

I unblocked my BPD/NPD ex and wrote her a message, asked if she was alright and told her that she can not do this anymore. She needs to leave me alone.  Her answer was cold and distant, and somewhat mean. I regret texting her, and blocked her number again.

But after all of this i am just feeling really really sad, depressed and bad again... The nightmare will never end!

[SinisterComplex]

The nightmare will end. You have to stop putting thoughts out there like that. Just even saying such things perpetuates the cycle. Ultimately, the story you share is about as predictable as day turning to night. Keep in mind...you truly have the power and control here. Not her. I truly hope with this last bout that you see everything for what it is my friend.

Keep working on healing yourself and as far as dating...definitely keep things as light as possible for quite some time (which it seems you are doing). Do not fall into the rebound relationship dynamic because then all you are doing is letting her win and essentially acting out the BS emotions she leveled upon you. You understand the hurt and pain that has been caused to you so do not hurt others...not saying you will, but it is very easy to fall into a cycle of rebounding when having been hurt by a disordered individual.

Keep your head up and keep moving forward my friend.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Teddy007, I echo SinisterComplex: It's up to you to decide when to get off the roller coaster.  Until then, it's likely to be a rough ride, as you're finding out.  In my view, you don't need this kind of drama in your life, but maybe there is something familiar about it that draws you in?  No wonder you're feeling sad and depressed.  It's time to move on, my friend!

LuckyJim

[leftword]

In the same boat. I have to believe (as people keep saying) things will get easier. Yes, we want off the rollercoaster and will have spells of doing the right thing: self-care, dating, setting boundaries, therapy, mindfulness, etc. But all it takes is one message or instagram post to set us off. Like you I have been trying to date and found it extremely triggering. I applaud your honesty and candor with the person you are seeing - they are an innocent bystander to a bad situation. This weekend I was with someone and woke up in the exact same place of "I want this person gone". It's hard because you crave the facade your exBPD created and start to compare others to them, but in reality (and this is a hard one for me to accept) they are gone. What you saw was never real. It's about acceptance and giving yourself permission to live the life they are incapable of living. Just know you are not alone in this. And I have to believe, because there is no other option, the nightmare will end. Give yourself permission to experience the grief. Limit the exposure in any way you can (i.e. continue to block her) and know it's not a straight line to healing. Telling you this while telling myself...