Still in love with the ex - Confused if she has BPD.

[lemon10]

Hi,

First of all, I have been reading this forum for the past few days and becoming aware that there is a possibility that my ex might have BPD. I just started to read about BPD. I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

So our relationship was like with any BPD was very intense. She started to tell me she loves me very early in the relationship (like 2 months in) and for me, this was unusual but I went on. We were together less than a year - but very intense. I had so much affection for her, I admire her and I indeed started to love her, but I was a bit freaked out that things were moving so fast and I could sense that there was something "off" about it at some point, but didn't know what. She did show me a lot of love. Often times we started fights because I was having this weird feeling that she wants me to break up with her - like push and pull. Part of it that I tend to be impulsive as well. When these "fights" happen (literally for minor things) I tend to just leave the situation, as it felt extremely off and I didn't want to fight. She would then beg for me to take her back - and I did it every time as she was convincing that she will change.

At some point, she opened up to me that she has been struggling with depression for a long time - out of nowhere. I never noticed it, because she was most of the time "fluffy" and playful in a sense. She told me that she started to go to therapist but I'm pretty sure that she isn't aware that she might have BPD. Those therapists have no idea what they are dealing with now I assume.

I was blamed for everything - but I just shrugged it every time. She accused me that she got sick because of me and multiply times tried to blame her conditions on me and asked me to do some tests. I even went to do the test and when results came back - I was perfectly fine. She was completely indifferent to it.

Blame game again for her, for every minor thing. Bad mouthing me with her friend. I started to feel drained.  I was starting to sense something is really off with this and I told her why she is bad mouthing me. Her response was "what, I can't talk to my friends?".

So things started to get out of the roof intense for me - and one day, I couldn't believe that she still acts so controlling and blaming me for things I didn't really do. She called me and asked me "you want to break up with me?" after her attempt to control me, like with the weird sound in her voice. I couldn't believe that she asks me that, like she knew that she pushed me too far but have the audacity to ask me that. I responded, yes, I want to break up with you. I said it out of anger and to get some air.
Knowing how sensitive she was to criticism, I gave her stupid reasons for a break up. I could breathe again. Next week I was holding my position and I said that I'm standing by my decision and was rationalizing why I don't want to be with her (not true reasons) - I literally just needed time to breathe a bit.

Later on, I tried to get back at her, explaining the situation and what I said, but she is completely determined that what I did was unacceptable to her, referring to how breakup happened, mostly because she was "sick" at the time, but I know she was exaggerating her condition. I became to feel the loss, confused and started plead to take me back, and I didn't respect her decision to not contact her. Most of the texts were about I apologizing too her many times, but she just started to insult me and then apologize for it. I was wrecked, I didn't understand what's going on. She then created this image of me like I was a monster - total devaluation and ignoring everything that happened in the past. It's my fault for everything. She told me "all people around me don't like you anymore". What's crazy is that she was bad mouthing all those people she is now hanging out while she was with me. Now she is posting pictures of the "I love you" presents to a friend she was bad mouthing. It's so silly.
I noticed this pattern tough - all her exs were not good for her and she did the breaking up all the time first with past exs. I assume that I hurt her ego so much because I was the first person to ever break up with her.

Now I am moving on, and in NC. It's weird because I still love her and part of me wants her back - but knowing how intense things can get, part of me believes that it's not good to entertain that idea, as I'm starting to realize that there is a possibility that there wasn't really love from her.

[Mutt]

Those therapists have no idea what they are dealing with now I assume.

Personality disorders are difficult to detect; are niche within the world of psychology a T does not have the qualification to diagnose someone and even a doctor can not diagnose someone that is not present assuming that you’re talking about someone that is not in the same room as you but is a part of your life or was at some point.

They can talk about traits of a personality disorder.

I became to feel the loss, confused and started plead to take me back, and I didn't respect her decision to not contact her. Most of the texts were about I apologizing too her many times, but she just started to insult me and then apologize for it.

Projection is not synonymous with BPD but borderlines project to the nth degree.

You started to panic. If she were a pwBPD or not do not chase because you are telegraphing to the your ex that you’re needy and that is a turn off to the opposite sex. I completely understand getting caught up in the moment and it is easier said than done but work in staying centered, don’t let your ex or a gf test you and have you get uncentered.

Think of it this way if you’re fighting with her and she is fighting with you what thoughts about the other person are you conjuring about the other person? Positive or negative? Negative thoughts you have to give it some time for the other person to forget about those negative thoughts and start missing you and start having positive thoughts about you that is when it starts working in your favor.

I’d say that there are borderline traits and keep in mind that there are a lot of members with exes that are subclinical. Think about NC as a time to pause and think about what you want and give yourself some space to regroup and to work on yourself. If you’re not done with this girl that’s your choice nobody can tell you to stay or go. We support your decision - if you still want to be with her I suggest posting on the bettering board because the advice there can help you decide which way to go if you chose to go back.

[once removed]

It's weird because I still love her and part of me wants her back - but knowing how intense things can get, part of me believes that it's not good to entertain that idea, as I'm starting to realize that there is a possibility that there wasn't really love from her.

i know what you mean man. i fought that battle with myself for some months. its hard to lose someone that we are crazy about, but...unhealthy with. it just sucks. the outcome is the last thing we wanted. and then coming to terms with such a complicated relationship and person, it adds a whole other layer to the grief.

hang in there. it does get better.