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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Anxiety post breakup - here's an emotional rant.  (Read 461 times)
kisaacs68

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: broken up
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« on: January 14, 2020, 01:02:23 PM »

It's been two months since my ex girlfriend left, who I strongly suspect has BPD (she even hinted at it), saying she wasn't able for a relationship.

Two months since my blossoming confidence in the vibrant future she painted for us collapsed and rotted away in one trivial instant. Two months for my brain to bombard me with images, memories and words that only ever become more confusing - each profound declaration of love lacerating my heart and making me think i'll never trust someone with my vulnerability again. How naive I was to believe the promise of 'never finding anyone better'.

I feel myself fundamentally scarred by the whole ordeal. It's painful enough to ruminate on the pain I unwittingly caused her in the ultimate trigger. Then the suspicion emerges that maybe she's progressed without anything approaching the devastation I fight every day, despite the initial phase of blaming herself. She posts amusing memes on fb and I should be happy that she's finding joy in the simple things, instead i'm gutted and fighting my rising heartbeat at the very sight of her name. I wonder if there is any sentiment for me remaining.

Her pain has been transferred to me now. Continuing the conveyor belt of misguided emotions across generations that produced her warped perception in the first place. And I hate myself for being so sensitive to it - can't even see couples in the street without having my anxiety provoked. Ever since my earliest relationship i've been profoundly insecure about the potential for close connection to almost inevitably lead to sudden, inexplicable implosion. For the first time I felt safe from that threat with her, thought that the love we generated was strong enough to deflect any petty problems that might arise. After all I accommodated and empathised with, it hurts she didn't seem remotely interested in resisting the raging torrent anymore. Not interested in fighting for what we envisaged.

Sense of security is why I committed to writing of her in my diary for the first time five months in, surely we had diverted course from fleeting romance to something more serious, her ambitions for our future suggested nothing less. My poor unsuspecting soul wrote in blissful ignorance. The cruel discard waiting menacingly on the horizon for me only days later. No matter how much she says it wasn't my fault I will never be able to ignore the obvious correlation between trigger and end.

It beggars belief there's an illness out there that makes otherwise kind, compassionate, alluring souls behave in this way. I can't possibly condemn her for it. It's not her fault and to allow it the privilege of souring my character would give it the illusion of legitimacy, when it is merely a cruel deceit that tarnishes the person I love most in this world. I hate the damned illness for depriving me of someone I saw a kindred spirit in. I have been endlessly trusting of her reasoning, and i've lost myself a little in the process.

Even now I have to suffer the indignity and seeming futility of trying to get my valuables back. Repeated delays and excuses have been met with my feeble understanding and I wonder if i've been taken for a ride this whole time.

Still, there lingers a fragile hope that maybe she had a moment of clarity, that the deeper truth in her words points towards a determination to get better, and perhaps she was trying to protect me. But I can't know for certain, and I can't even ask without fearing what she might presume about me if I did. Just like I have brutally suppressed my hurt whenever she has contacted me, living a lie because even now I can't stop walking on eggshells and wanting to appear strong. How bizarre it is to feel so agitated speaking to her since, when before I felt so free.

Sometimes I feel myself dissociating. As if my mind erects mental barriers to thought that make reality seem unreal. I'm seeing a therapist. I'm trying to get a job. I'm learning about this illness. I'm learning plenty of uncomfortable truths about my own co-dependency. Piece by piece I am recovering, and then I have moments that lead me to this, when I curse myself for panicking through ruminations. I accept it's gradual, and maybe I shouldn't be so pessimistic about her. But the ambiguity and questions that torment me are so powerful.

Sorry. It's grim reading I know. I just needed to vent.
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Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5979


« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2020, 02:49:26 PM »

Excerpt
I curse myself for panicking through ruminations. I accept it's gradual, and maybe I shouldn't be so pessimistic about her. But the ambiguity and questions that torment me are so powerful.

Hey kisaacs68, It's normal to ruminate after parting ways with your SO, so don't beat yourself up.  Instead, I suggest you acknowledge and allow your feelings in order to let them pass through you.  Hard to say whether your Ex suffers from BPD and we can't diagnose on this site.  You could read more about the disorder in the diagnosis and treatment bar (above) or pick up the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells (SWOE), if you haven't already, to get a handle on BPD.

Your story is quite familiar, so you are not alone.  Many of us have been down this path before you, so let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
kisaacs68

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: broken up
Posts: 32


« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2020, 03:08:31 PM »

Hi Lucky Jim

I'm fairly certain it's BPD based on her intolerance of being alone/subsequent need to talk to me at all possible times in the relationship. Additionally, I certainly underwent an intense idealisation phase punctuated by sudden instances of volatility where she would become distant, cold or emotional in response to comments I made.

Sorry for the rambling, melodramatic and incoherent nature of my post. Sometimes I get so weighed down by the intensity of this withdrawal process that I need to engage with other people about it in order to calm me down.

I'm actually rather regretting blasting my feelings around with such little grace now instead of focusing on a specific issue. Is it possible I could have it deleted? 
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In a bad way
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« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2020, 12:52:24 AM »

Excerpt
        I'm actually rather regretting blasting my feelings around with such little grace now instead of focusing on a specific issue. Is it possible I could have it deleted?                   

I actually think that your post is a wonderful piece of writing.
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kisaacs68

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What is your relationship status with them: broken up
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« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2020, 02:06:24 AM »

Thanks in a bad way,

I suppose if others find some cathartic solidarity in the writing it serves some purpose.
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In a bad way
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Posts: 330


« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2020, 02:31:48 AM »

I understand the anxiety and panic attacks, it's crazy how one person can destroy the confidence and cause all that to us.
They say they love us then treat us so bad it boggles the mind.
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Teddy007
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What is your relationship status with them: broken up
Posts: 69


« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2020, 03:18:52 AM »

It sounds like traits of BPD but hard to tell. . I know how you feel, and the ruminating is normal. I am almost 5 months out myself, and it has been a really bad nightmare. The love of my life turned in to a soul sucking monster and now i feel like she will not stop until she has killed me emotionally. From all the reading and learning about the cluster B´s i have come to terms that my ex is an exteme udBPD/NPD morph.

We are all for you, and we all feel your pain. I must add that your writing is  a peace of art. You should write a book or something. Truly beautifully written, how you put all the words in writing. Sad to say that it is in a hurting way. But really man, if you can write like this when you are hurting you should benefit from it.

Use it!
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kisaacs68

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: broken up
Posts: 32


« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2020, 07:13:20 AM »

I agree it's hard to tell. She's certainly a far cry from the extreme cases of anger and abuse i've often read about on forums like this.

It was short (5 months) and very intense. Full of premature milestones and idealisation of me as her soulmate. She was very sexually suggestive even before we had met in person for a second time (we met when I worked at a hotel and she lived in another country) and had a compulsion to seek reassurance from me simultaneously. That continued, when I was with friends, in the middle of the night, anytime she was free she had to be speaking to me. Crisis or chat was irrelevant.

That's when the triggers first appeared. They revolved around traumatic memories, body image/mental health insecurity and the imagination of criticism where there was none, her all the while asking 'are you bored of me yet?'. The first concerned her being reminded of how her exes spoke to her child merely because I said that once I felt too tired to speak to said child. The second was because I made the mistake of agreeing with her that her mental health issues were a challenge before I could even add the caveat of 'i love you so it doesn't matter'. The third came on the last night I saw her when I said I hadn't spent much time with her that week before I was due to leave and so I was a little down. She accused me of saying 'a PLEASE READty thing' and of being ungrateful for what she provided, leaving to sleep on the sofa moments later.

I gave her the space to 'cool off', as she put it, over the next few days, even though I wanted to talk about it. When I eventually asked if she wanted to talk about it yet she said she wasn't sure if it was going to work out as there are 'differences between us'. I couldn't and still don't believe this reason, we were getting along just fine mere days before, I almost went to a wedding afterparty with her.

She then moved to talking about her mental health ('i'm not blaming everything on you') saying she: had got a sense of 'clarity' from therapy on the day of the trigger; therapy gave her a 'new perspective' on life; 'i'm just not able for a relationship'. On the phone that night she was keen for me to believe nothing was my fault. Again, she was 'not able for a relationship', 'can't have conversations', stating it wasn't about the trigger at all. She said she'd never allowed herself to be single and felt it wasn't fair on me that I wait for her to get better as she didn't know how long that might take (up to a year according to her). Nonetheless she said 'this isn't goodbye' and resolved to keep me updated.

Long story short she called me the next day because she was upset at feeling alone. Later she called herself a heartbreaker: 'this is my whole life. I just PLEASE READ everything up and hurt people doing it.' She asked if my family hated her. She talked to me on/off, continuing to say her mind got too much for her, and I said the door was open for her whenever while being understanding. Last I heard was in December when she asked me how my job hunt was going, to which she didn't reply when I answered.

I want to believe she is taking the time to focus on herself, perhaps our disagreement confirmed that need for her. She mentioned BPD/PTSD as possible the week before we split due to a meeting with a psychiatrist I think.

I don't know.

Thanks for your  kind words. Funnily enough she always said I should write a play or become a journalist, which i'm now trying to do. I'm sorry to hear of your situation and hope you get the peace you deserve.
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Lucky Jim
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5979


« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2020, 10:27:04 AM »

Excerpt
Sorry for the rambling, melodramatic and incoherent nature of my post. Sometimes I get so weighed down by the intensity of this withdrawal process that I need to engage with other people about it in order to calm me down.

Hey kissacs68, No need to apologize as this is the right place to let it all out.  I think an important part of recovery is externalizing one's thoughts and feelings, because it helps to get stuff out into the light of day.  We understand where you're coming from, so don't beat yourself up.  It's OK to let it flow!

Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so be patient.  BPD relationships open old wounds that are painful, yet going through the BPD crucible makes one stronger and leads to greater happiness, in my view.

LuckyJim

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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Nordicbyrd20

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Dating
Posts: 3


« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2020, 04:57:44 PM »

Wow, such bravery in your words. Thank you for sharing. I am going through the same thing, my bf just exited our relationship over me bringing something up that I felt needed to be discussed. I did it with love and created a safe space. I was not angry, only wanted to work through his constant questioning of me, his mistrust.
He pulled away, became cold and distant
We had such a loving relationship and had so much to look forward too. Now he's gone, not interested in resolving. Over one conflict, that was more of a discussion than anything. It's hard not to think I've done something wrong. I'm glad you are in therapy. I think I will need to get help as well
I agree it's hard to tell. She's certainly a far cry from the extreme cases of anger and abuse i've often read about on forums like this.

It was short (5 months) and very intense. Full of premature milestones and idealisation of me as her soulmate. She was very sexually suggestive even before we had met in person for a second time (we met when I worked at a hotel and she lived in another country) and had a compulsion to seek reassurance from me simultaneously. That continued, when I was with friends, in the middle of the night, anytime she was free she had to be speaking to me. Crisis or chat was irrelevant.

That's when the triggers first appeared. They revolved around traumatic memories, body image/mental health insecurity and the imagination of criticism where there was none, her all the while asking 'are you bored of me yet?'. The first concerned her being reminded of how her exes spoke to her child merely because I said that once I felt too tired to speak to said child. The second was because I made the mistake of agreeing with her that her mental health issues were a challenge before I could even add the caveat of 'i love you so it doesn't matter'. The third came on the last night I saw her when I said I hadn't spent much time with her that week before I was due to leave and so I was a little down. She accused me of saying 'a PLEASE READty thing' and of being ungrateful for what she provided, leaving to sleep on the sofa moments later.

I gave her the space to 'cool off', as she put it, over the next few days, even though I wanted to talk about it. When I eventually asked if she wanted to talk about it yet she said she wasn't sure if it was going to work out as there are 'differences between us'. I couldn't and still don't believe this reason, we were getting along just fine mere days before, I almost went to a wedding afterparty with her.

She then moved to talking about her mental health ('i'm not blaming everything on you') saying she: had got a sense of 'clarity' from therapy on the day of the trigger; therapy gave her a 'new perspective' on life; 'i'm just not able for a relationship'. On the phone that night she was keen for me to believe nothing was my fault. Again, she was 'not able for a relationship', 'can't have conversations', stating it wasn't about the trigger at all. She said she'd never allowed herself to be single and felt it wasn't fair on me that I wait for her to get better as she didn't know how long that might take (up to a year according to her). Nonetheless she said 'this isn't goodbye' and resolved to keep me updated.

Long story short she called me the next day because she was upset at feeling alone. Later she called herself a heartbreaker: 'this is my whole life. I just PLEASE READ everything up and hurt people doing it.' She asked if my family hated her. She talked to me on/off, continuing to say her mind got too much for her, and I said the door was open for her whenever while being understanding. Last I heard was in December when she asked me how my job hunt was going, to which she didn't reply when I answered.

I want to believe she is taking the time to focus on herself, perhaps our disagreement confirmed that need for her. She mentioned BPD/PTSD as possible the week before we split due to a meeting with a psychiatrist I think.

I don't know.

Thanks for your  kind words. Funnily enough she always said I should write a play or become a journalist, which i'm now trying to do. I'm sorry to hear of your situation and hope you get the peace you deserve.

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jaded7
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What is your relationship status with them: unclear
Posts: 141


« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2020, 06:08:04 PM »

I just want to say.....ditto. I feel the same things, and am sitting here in pain myself with now 3 weeks no contact after she literally stopped communicating with me and left town for Christmas at her family's home (to which she invited me) without a word.

Much much more if you search under my name, it might make you feel understood. I know reading about other's stuff helps me feel less alone.
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #11 on: January 20, 2020, 11:13:39 PM »

"I'm actually rather regretting blasting my feelings around with such little grace now instead of focusing on a specific issue. Is it possible I could have it deleted?" - This forum is where you should be doing this. Do not apologize and do not feel bad, insecure or anything about it. Get that bullsh*t weight off your chest and get that crap out of your system. You must release and process your emotions to heal and grow...not stuff it down. You are not alone. You have a support network here...use it to your advantage. Kindness, openness, and vulnerability are strengths....not weaknesses.

I personally would much rather you pour all of it out because the more unfiltered and raw things are the easier it will be for you to heal.

Please continue to vent and do not censor yourself. I will be around and I will pay attention and monitor where you are at. If you want my feedback please let me know otherwise I will observe.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-
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Through Adversity There is Redemption!
kisaacs68

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What is your relationship status with them: broken up
Posts: 32


« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2020, 07:09:33 AM »

"I'm actually rather regretting blasting my feelings around with such little grace now instead of focusing on a specific issue. Is it possible I could have it deleted?" - This forum is where you should be doing this. Do not apologize and do not feel bad, insecure or anything about it. Get that bullsh*t weight off your chest and get that crap out of your system. You must release and process your emotions to heal and grow...not stuff it down. You are not alone. You have a support network here...use it to your advantage. Kindness, openness, and vulnerability are strengths....not weaknesses.


Thanks for the support SinisterComplex, I didn't notice your words until now. I guess I just felt insecure about managing a maelstrom of confusion in my head then as opposed to asking specific questions. This experience has demonstrated the value of letting one's vulnerability flow.

I tentatively say I am in much better place now, hoping to practice all i've learnt about myself and the potentially abusive behavior of others in a new city with a new job. Accepting that even the times I felt truly loved by my ex were likely connected to her insatiable need for supply has really helped me come to terms with the absurdity of what happened. The whole trajectory of the r/s strongly resembled the process of narcissistic abuse, albeit without the obvious physical/verbal vitriol, just cruel and controlling silent treatment that made me doubt my reality.

I'm proud of finally being strong enough to block myself from seeing her social media activity, the sight of her or any fictional r/s triggers me still. I suppose i'm actually valuing myself more than what I thought we had. I might have the odd day when I miss the version of her I fell in love with, my best friend, but I can sincerely say that most of the time I don't want that anymore.

Outcome independence as you say. She still holds my things hostage, but i'm not going to supply her with the unwarranted attention she perhaps craves as a result. Playing along with that silly game is demeaning and hope eventually she will just cooperate seeing her ruse thwarted.

I'm prepared for any future advances she might make and will know if she is once again flouting the boundaries I should have protected in the past. Perhaps one day there will be some harmony between us, platonic even - but never at the expense of my self-respect.

Thanks so much once again, you provide such invaluable service for this bewildering phenomenon.
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