2+ Year Relationship Has Ended (5 years on again/off again)

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi everyone. I just found this webpage and it's helped try to put some things in perspective with a relationship of mine that just ended.

My ex-GF and I met in grad school 5 years ago. We dated throughout a one-year graduate program and then moved home to opposite sides of the country. We spoke about visiting one another, but she always pushed back that she didn't want to enter a long distance relationship. This went on for about a year. Eventually we were to see each other at a wedding of a mutual friend in 2016. She'd asked me to go to the wedding with her a few months before the wedding and had mentioned that she wanted to talk about my visit to come see her. I was hoping to tell her on that visit that I was willing to move across the country for her. However, immediately prior to the wedding (like 2-3 days in advance), she told me she'd recently started seeing someone else.

It gutted me. However, once I got to the wedding and we began to talk - she said she'd made a mistake and that she wanted me in her life. The wedding was amazing, and she told me she'd move across the country for me if that's what it took. I then told her the same.

A month later I visited her in her home city. Things went great, and we began to talk more about me moving to her home town. She was to visit me the following month. But 4 days after I returned back from my visit to see her, she told me she wasn't coming anymore. She unfriended me across social media and totally shut down. Whenever I tried to reach out to her, she sounded like an entirely different person.

I eventually moved to a new city the next year in 2017 for a fresh start. After being in the new city for 2 months, I heard from my former girlfriend - it was a full year since we'd last spoken to one another. She said she was unhappy at home, and looking to move permanently. She said that she was sorry for the way she had acted and that she'd made another mistake by pushing me away. She said she pushed me away because she didn't want to take me from my hometown, family & friends.

I ended up allowing her to visit. And then we started dating long distance with the goal of her moving to my new city. Things seemed amazing again. She said she couldn't wait to move, couldn't wait to experience a new city, and couldn't wait to be with me. However, right before moving, she ran into massive anxiety issues. She wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, and wasn't enjoying her job. This led to her quitting her job instead of transferring with the same company. I found an apartment for her, and got it all set up for her to move into. To help her with her anxiety, I spent hours on the phone with her each night to talk with her about her anxiety and help her fight her fears.

Eventually she finally moved. And things seemed great once more. However, in the months after moving, we had our first few fights. These fights normally centered around her drinking too much. The largest of these fights involved her drinking too much at a work event of mine, falling in the street, and me borderline carrying her back to my apartment. In light of her embarrassment, she yelled at me in my apartment like I'd made her fall. She told me that I'd ruined her life. I tried to put her to sleep in my bed and then sleep on the couch. She continued to yell at me until she went back in my room. A few minutes later she went storming out of my apartment and started walking back to her's. I was able to follow her until I saw that she'd returned home safely and then returned to my own apartment.

The next day she was extremely apologetic. I forgave her because I figured she'd just had too much to drink. I didn't think it was indicative of larger issues. There were other incidents where she got too drunk at a family wedding and I had to take her home, and incidents where she got too drunk while visiting my family and I had to essentially sneak her to bed before she could talk to members of my family when we returned back to my parent's house at night.

She was also very quick to anger at various times and fights would seemingly start for no reason. For instance, I'd tell her that I'd be home at 5, but might not have texted her between 1-4 due to being in meetings or working on a project. When I'd leave work at 4:30 and text her that I was on the way home and would still be back at 5, I'd receive a sarcastic message back that I hadn't filled her in on my plans despite the fact that I was returning home at the exact time I'd told her I'd be back. There were a lot of instances like this - where'd we get into large arguments and I'd be sitting there not understanding why we were fighting. To me, it always felt like I was damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I pushed back and argued with her, the arguments would last forever. However, if I avoided conflict and tried to appease her, she'd tell me that I wasn't letting her know my true feelings.

In spite of all of of this though, I still loved her and cared about her more than anyone I'd ever met. However, after her being in our new city for a little less than a year, she told me early on during 2019 that us moving back to her home town was a non-negotiable. I knew that this was what she wanted deep down, so I told her that I'd move to her home town with her - despite this being the polar opposite of what she said when she first reached out to me. Over the next 8 months or so, she then proceeded to ask me countless times who I had told and what I'd told them about our future plans. She even told me that if I hadn't told all of my friends (despite the fact that I had), that her friends had told her that I wouldn't be following her back to her home town.

These constant questions made me feel like she was questioning my commitment to her. This led to additional arguments. It wasn't a relationship where we fought weekly, but we did tend to have large blow-ups every month or so - largely around the fact that she seemed to prioritize location over our relationship. I also had issues with the fact that she wanted me to move home with her, but had not wanted me to come home with her when she made 2-3 trips home during the year. I only was ever allowed to visit her family over the holidays. It didn't make me feel welcome, but I didn't feel like I could bring things up to her because I knew that her family did things differently than mine and that she had a very tough relationship with her Mom. So I tended to swallow my pride and not bring up certain questions or issues I had with our relationship.

When she first moved to my new city, she had also talked endlessly about us moving in together. At that time we'd known each other for 3 years, and were finally living in the same place again. However as time went on, she backed off of the fact that she wanted us to live together. She first told me that we couldn't move in together because her Mom wouldn't allow us. However, she later told me that her sister and her BF (who had been dating a year less than us) were moving in with one another. She said her sister had basically told her Mom to deal with it. When I asked her about what this meant for our relationship, she said she wasn't sure if we were ready, despite the fact that we each paid rent at apartments down the road from one another and spent most nights with each other anyway at one of our respective apartments. I felt as though moving in together would make things better between us so that we wouldn't always have to get a guest parking spot or let the other into the complex later at night after work. Especially when my job (especially recently) involved working a lot of late hours that made it tough for us to spend much time with one another on weeknights, and involved me having to work some over the weekends. We'd discussed during August 2019 that I'd finally been able to get a lease at a new apartment that allowed my lease term to line up with hers and that we'd leave the city we were in, move to her home town, and move in with one another in May 2020. I'd even begun to think about how I wanted to go about proposing before we officially moved.

In November of 2019, she told me that moving to her hometown was no longer a non-negotiable. She also told me that if I wanted to pursue additional graduate school opportunities, that she'd follow me to wherever I could get into. I thought this was great as she finally seemed open to moving to other areas and was prioritizing our relationship above all else. Soon thereafter, we spent an entire week at my parents house for a holiday, and had a weekend getaway. I didn't see her too much during the weeknights over the following 2 weeks due to some other worldly demands from work, but she always said that she understood the craziness of my work schedule. Over those next couple of weeks, we then bought plane tickets to visit her family over the Christmas holiday (the first time I would be visiting her family & home town since Christmas of 2018). However, a week after buying those plane tickets, and a week from when I was to see her family for the first time in a year - she ended things. It was just a day before we were to separate for a few days and then meet up back in her home town.

I was absolutely crushed. It had been 2+ years of dating to this point and 5 years of knowing her. I was hesitant to talk about our future with her at times because I didn't want her to feel like I was pressuring her. I was just hoping things would happen naturally. She told me that although she loved me, although it'd take her forever to get over me, and that the thought of us not being together anymore "terrified" her, she felt like it was the right decision. She said she had doubts & questions about our future due to some of the fights we'd gotten into, and said that she didn't think our communication was good between us. Doubts & questions that she never discussed with me - especially during all of the times that she'd asked me about who I'd told about our long-term plans for our future.

It felt like she'd pulled the rug out from underneath me. Now here I was, single again. In an area I was ready to move from, and a job that I was ready to leave. And to top it all off, I was living a mile down the road from her. Over the holidays, I sent her an email to try and get some clarity from her, why after all this time - she felt like it was the right decision to end things. She said that her doubts about our future centered around continued communication issues between us. I told her that considering we were two people who had never been in long term relationships before, and each had their own mental health issues (me - depression, her - anxiety), that we had other options to consider before ending things - like counseling. She didn't seem interested in pursuing other options, but then said she was suffering from severe anxiety post-break-up and seeing a counselor on her own, but at the same time she said that she felt that us ending things was the right thing to do. Upon further questioning from me, she sent me an email accusing me of various things throughout our relationship that she seemingly had harbored ill feelings toward me for a very long time. She then deleted the pictures of us across her social media. Most of the things she accused me of in that email could easily be explained by me that whatever she took from my comments was not my intention. Her responses toward me via email seemed mean & spiteful. Yet the one time I spoke with her in person, she was so hurt & emotional. It was like I was speaking with two entirely different people.

Based on her insistence to keep asking questions about who I'd told about our plans to move, I thought all I would need to do was continuing to reassure her that I'd move with her to her home town. I started to get frustrated at these continual questions though, and this was where the fights started to get more contentious and there was no growth or emotional healing that came from them. When things were good, I was just sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop and wondering how long it would be until we got into another fight.

However, soon after everything ended, and in reflection on the arguments we'd gotten into and how quick she was to get angry about very small matters, I began to look online at personality disorders. A lot of her traits seemed to align with what I read online here and elsewhere - going from overly happy to overly critical - seemingly getting jealous of girls I worked with - continuing to ask me if I was still planning to move with her & fearing my abandonment of her - drinking to excess around new groups of people or around my family - detaching whenever big events in our lives were upcoming - devaluing all of the good things I'd done for her in the past whenever it was that we got into a fight and only focusing on the bad things - weighing the recent struggles in our relationship over the previous 5 years of primarily only great memories - etc.

I'm now trying to figure out how to put my life back together. For the last year, I'd figured I was moving across the country with a girl I wanted to propose to. I thought the biggest issue was going to be us working on our communication issues. And now I feel totally lost and feel like I need to totally start over. I've since moved home and now need to find a new job, new apartment, and new relationship. It feels like everything just blew up around me and I'm at the lowest point I've ever been in terms of self confidence and in feeling like I could trust someone.

[DefeatedBB]

Hi everyone. I just found this webpage and it's helped try to put some things in perspective with a relationship of mine that just ended.

My ex-GF and I met in grad school 5 years ago. We dated throughout a one-year graduate program and then moved home to opposite sides of the country. We spoke about visiting one another, but she always pushed back that she didn't want to enter a long distance relationship. This went on for about a year. Eventually we were to see each other at a wedding of a mutual friend in 2016. She'd asked me to go to the wedding with her a few months before the wedding and had mentioned that she wanted to talk about my visit to come see her. I was hoping to tell her on that visit that I was willing to move across the country for her. However, immediately prior to the wedding (like 2-3 days in advance), she told me she'd recently started seeing someone else.

It gutted me. However, once I got to the wedding and we began to talk - she said she'd made a mistake and that she wanted me in her life. The wedding was amazing, and she told me she'd move across the country for me if that's what it took. I then told her the same.

A month later I visited her in her home city. Things went great, and we began to talk more about me moving to her home town. She was to visit me the following month. But 4 days after I returned back from my visit to see her, she told me she wasn't coming anymore. She unfriended me across social media and totally shut down. Whenever I tried to reach out to her, she sounded like an entirely different person.

I eventually moved to a new city the next year in 2017 for a fresh start. After being in the new city for 2 months, I heard from my former girlfriend - it was a full year since we'd last spoken to one another. She said she was unhappy at home, and looking to move permanently. She said that she was sorry for the way she had acted and that she'd made another mistake by pushing me away. She said she pushed me away because she didn't want to take me from my hometown, family & friends.

I ended up allowing her to visit. And then we started dating long distance with the goal of her moving to my new city. Things seemed amazing again. She said she couldn't wait to move, couldn't wait to experience a new city, and couldn't wait to be with me. However, right before moving, she ran into massive anxiety issues. She wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, and wasn't enjoying her job. This led to her quitting her job instead of transferring with the same company. I found an apartment for her, and got it all set up for her to move into. To help her with her anxiety, I spent hours on the phone with her each night to talk with her about her anxiety and help her fight her fears.

Eventually she finally moved. And things seemed great once more. However, in the months after moving, we had our first few fights. These fights normally centered around her drinking too much. The largest of these fights involved her drinking too much at a work event of mine, falling in the street, and me borderline carrying her back to my apartment. In light of her embarrassment, she yelled at me in my apartment like I'd made her fall. She told me that I'd ruined her life. I tried to put her to sleep in my bed and then sleep on the couch. She continued to yell at me until she went back in my room. A few minutes later she went storming out of my apartment and started walking back to her's. I was able to follow her until I saw that she'd returned home safely and then returned to my own apartment.

The next day she was extremely apologetic. I forgave her because I figured she'd just had too much to drink. I didn't think it was indicative of larger issues. There were other incidents where she got too drunk at a family wedding and I had to take her home, and incidents where she got too drunk while visiting my family and I had to essentially sneak her to bed before she could talk to members of my family when we returned back to my parent's house at night.

She was also very quick to anger at various times and fights would seemingly start for no reason. For instance, I'd tell her that I'd be home at 5, but might not have texted her between 1-4 due to being in meetings or working on a project. When I'd leave work at 4:30 and text her that I was on the way home and would still be back at 5, I'd receive a sarcastic message back that I hadn't filled her in on my plans despite the fact that I was returning home at the exact time I'd told her I'd be back. There were a lot of instances like this - where'd we get into large arguments and I'd be sitting there not understanding why we were fighting. To me, it always felt like I was damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I pushed back and argued with her, the arguments would last forever. However, if I avoided conflict and tried to appease her, she'd tell me that I wasn't letting her know my true feelings.

In spite of all of of this though, I still loved her and cared about her more than anyone I'd ever met. However, after her being in our new city for a little less than a year, she told me early on during 2019 that us moving back to her home town was a non-negotiable. I knew that this was what she wanted deep down, so I told her that I'd move to her home town with her - despite this being the polar opposite of what she said when she first reached out to me. Over the next 8 months or so, she then proceeded to ask me countless times who I had told and what I'd told them about our future plans. She even told me that if I hadn't told all of my friends (despite the fact that I had), that her friends had told her that I wouldn't be following her back to her home town.

These constant questions made me feel like she was questioning my commitment to her. This led to additional arguments. It wasn't a relationship where we fought weekly, but we did tend to have large blow-ups every month or so - largely around the fact that she seemed to prioritize location over our relationship. I also had issues with the fact that she wanted me to move home with her, but had not wanted me to come home with her when she made 2-3 trips home during the year. I only was ever allowed to visit her family over the holidays. It didn't make me feel welcome, but I didn't feel like I could bring things up to her because I knew that her family did things differently than mine and that she had a very tough relationship with her Mom. So I tended to swallow my pride and not bring up certain questions or issues I had with our relationship.

When she first moved to my new city, she had also talked endlessly about us moving in together. At that time we'd known each other for 3 years, and were finally living in the same place again. However as time went on, she backed off of the fact that she wanted us to live together. She first told me that we couldn't move in together because her Mom wouldn't allow us. However, she later told me that her sister and her BF (who had been dating a year less than us) were moving in with one another. She said her sister had basically told her Mom to deal with it. When I asked her about what this meant for our relationship, she said she wasn't sure if we were ready, despite the fact that we each paid rent at apartments down the road from one another and spent most nights with each other anyway at one of our respective apartments. I felt as though moving in together would make things better between us so that we wouldn't always have to get a guest parking spot or let the other into the complex later at night after work. Especially when my job (especially recently) involved working a lot of late hours that made it tough for us to spend much time with one another on weeknights, and involved me having to work some over the weekends. We'd discussed during August 2019 that I'd finally been able to get a lease at a new apartment that allowed my lease term to line up with hers and that we'd leave the city we were in, move to her home town, and move in with one another in May 2020. I'd even begun to think about how I wanted to go about proposing before we officially moved.

In November of 2019, she told me that moving to her hometown was no longer a non-negotiable. She also told me that if I wanted to pursue additional graduate school opportunities, that she'd follow me to wherever I could get into. I thought this was great as she finally seemed open to moving to other areas and was prioritizing our relationship above all else. Soon thereafter, we spent an entire week at my parents house for a holiday, and had a weekend getaway. I didn't see her too much during the weeknights over the following 2 weeks due to some other worldly demands from work, but she always said that she understood the craziness of my work schedule. Over those next couple of weeks, we then bought plane tickets to visit her family over the Christmas holiday (the first time I would be visiting her family & home town since Christmas of 2018). However, a week after buying those plane tickets, and a week from when I was to see her family for the first time in a year - she ended things. It was just a day before we were to separate for a few days and then meet up back in her home town.

I was absolutely crushed. It had been 2+ years of dating to this point and 5 years of knowing her. I was hesitant to talk about our future with her at times because I didn't want her to feel like I was pressuring her. I was just hoping things would happen naturally. She told me that although she loved me, although it'd take her forever to get over me, and that the thought of us not being together anymore "terrified" her, she felt like it was the right decision. She said she had doubts & questions about our future due to some of the fights we'd gotten into, and said that she didn't think our communication was good between us. Doubts & questions that she never discussed with me - especially during all of the times that she'd asked me about who I'd told about our long-term plans for our future.

It felt like she'd pulled the rug out from underneath me. Now here I was, single again. In an area I was ready to move from, and a job that I was ready to leave. And to top it all off, I was living a mile down the road from her. Over the holidays, I sent her an email to try and get some clarity from her, why after all this time - she felt like it was the right decision to end things. She said that her doubts about our future centered around continued communication issues between us. I told her that considering we were two people who had never been in long term relationships before, and each had their own mental health issues (me - depression, her - anxiety), that we had other options to consider before ending things - like counseling. She didn't seem interested in pursuing other options, but then said she was suffering from severe anxiety post-break-up and seeing a counselor on her own, but at the same time she said that she felt that us ending things was the right thing to do. Upon further questioning from me, she sent me an email accusing me of various things throughout our relationship that she seemingly had harbored ill feelings toward me for a very long time. She then deleted the pictures of us across her social media. Most of the things she accused me of in that email could easily be explained by me that whatever she took from my comments was not my intention. Her responses toward me via email seemed mean & spiteful. Yet the one time I spoke with her in person, she was so hurt & emotional. It was like I was speaking with two entirely different people.

Based on her insistence to keep asking questions about who I'd told about our plans to move, I thought all I would need to do was continuing to reassure her that I'd move with her to her home town. I started to get frustrated at these continual questions though, and this was where the fights started to get more contentious and there was no growth or emotional healing that came from them. When things were good, I was just sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop and wondering how long it would be until we got into another fight.

However, soon after everything ended, and in reflection on the arguments we'd gotten into and how quick she was to get angry about very small matters, I began to look online at personality disorders. A lot of her traits seemed to align with what I read online here and elsewhere - going from overly happy to overly critical - seemingly getting jealous of girls I worked with - continuing to ask me if I was still planning to move with her & fearing my abandonment of her - drinking to excess around new groups of people or around my family - detaching whenever big events in our lives were upcoming - devaluing all of the good things I'd done for her in the past whenever it was that we got into a fight and only focusing on the bad things - weighing the recent struggles in our relationship over the previous 5 years of primarily only great memories - etc.

I'm now trying to figure out how to put my life back together. For the last year, I'd figured I was moving across the country with a girl I wanted to propose to. I thought the biggest issue was going to be us working on our communication issues. And now I feel totally lost and feel like I need to totally start over. I've since moved home and now need to find a new job, new apartment, and new relationship. It feels like everything just blew up around me and I'm at the lowest point I've ever been in terms of self confidence and in feeling like I could trust someone.

[once removed]

wow.

it seems like you really gave your all. im sorry that things went how they did, and that now theres the monumental task of starting over. its hard.

a lot of members here have found themselves in a similar position, feeling isolated, so you are in good company. it will be good to have a strong support group...it made all the difference in the world in my own recovery. and i can tell you that it really does get better.

how are you holding up right now? have you spoken since you saw her in person?

[DefeatedBB]

I've been holding up okay. Finding this website was honestly a big help. I felt like I had been going crazy trying to rationalize her actions and the type of things she had said to me / accused me of saying to her.

I've been seeing a therapist and have been placed on some anti-depressants as well. In all, I just felt like after all we'd been through - there was no way either of us was going to end our relationship without exhausting every single possible alternative. Just days prior to the break-up, she'd asked me sarcastically if she was still going to be my plus one to my brother's wedding, had sent me different posts on social media while we were at work, had been sending messages to my parents as well about a few different things we'd done over the previous week, etc. Everything seemed fine and business as usual. Then boom, it was all over.

The other confusing thing to me was that when I last spoke with her, I asked her when she was moving home. Her response was that she wasn't sure what she wanted to do (i.e. move back home or stay in the city we'd each moved to). That absolutely shocked me because I know her Mom had been on her to move home, she was incredibly close with her sister, and the fact that it was a "non-negotiable" for her to move home had driven a barrier between us that led to numerous arguments over the last year.

Since last speaking with her, I'd reached out once to ask her to return my extra apartment key (which we'd each forgotten about when I last saw her in person). I told her that I needed it back as soon as possible as I had a family member visiting to make sure I was dealing with work / the break-up okay. She said she'd get it in the mail to me soon. At the start of the next week, I had a panic attack after a very long & stressful day of work and went to the ER (I'd never had a full blown debilitating panic attack before).

I then quit my job the next day and started to plan on moving home (although I was stuck in a lease for another 5 months). A few more days passed, and I had not yet received my extra apartment key, I reached back out to her and asked for the key again. I told her to forget about mailing it, and just to leave it at her apartment's front desk. She asked me if I was okay, and I told her that I'd had a panic attack & left my job. She told me that she still cared about me and wanted to make sure I had someone there with me that night. I responded that someone was there with me, and that if she actually cared about me - she would've gotten me the key back sooner rather than sitting on it for a week. I was finally able to get it the next day from the front desk at her apartment complex. No note in the bag, no apology, just the key in a plastic baggie. That was our last contact, and I don't think I'll ever hear from her again.

I just feel like with all I'd done to try and make this relationship work, and with forgiving her after cutting me out of her life 3 years ago, I shouldn't have been subjected to such spiteful & rude treatment all over again. I paid $400 for flights over Christmas a week before she ended things and she made little to no effort to ever pay me back for those flights. It's like she's a totally different person who has no feelings whatsoever towards me.

[SinisterComplex]

Defeated...I will respond more in depth when I have had more of a chance to go through everything. I just wanted to chime in real quick that hey don't beat yourself up. You got done bogus...it happens. However, you are not to blame and sadly how you were treated...yep sounds all too familiar. Cluster B family alumni. The most important thing I can tell you before I revisit this thread and go over everything is that you were innocent, kind, and giving, but what you didn't realize is that the other side of this scenario was a vessel and bottomless pit/black hole. Please take no offense. When someone has a disorder along these lines I actually do care and I do not believe the people themselves are monsters, but rather it just sucks that their minds are wired the way they are and that while they could be good people the monster inside them leads them to hurting others and a trail of destruction is blazed.

To add on from Once Removed...please make sure to surround yourself with a positive and strong support network. Be kind to yourself. You will get through this. That is all I have for now, but I will chime in again once I have more time to go over your story in its entirety.

Be strong.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[DefeatedBB]

I appreciate the responses. I know I posted a lot of words, so thanks to anyone who has actually read through them all. I wish I'd looked into personality disorders when things ended the first time around a few years back, but I started looking into these things after the relationship just recently ended (seemingly for good this time) and I just felt totally lost.

Would love to learn more about BPD, coping mechanisms for those left behind by someone with BPD, and be a further resource on this forum. Have spent a lot of time banging my head against the wall dealing with ex over the last 2-5 years and now am trying to become better educated about the entire subject.

[once removed]

Finding this website was honestly a big help. I felt like I had been going crazy trying to rationalize her actions and the type of things she had said to me / accused me of saying to her.

i know what you mean. i know i felt like i was going crazy, and learning that i wasnt alone was, on one hand, such a god send, and on the other, opened up this whole new world, and i had so many questions.

I just feel like with all I'd done to try and make this relationship work, and with forgiving her after cutting me out of her life 3 years ago, I shouldn't have been subjected to such spiteful & rude treatment all over again. I paid $400 for flights over Christmas a week before she ended things and she made little to no effort to ever pay me back for those flights. It's like she's a totally different person who has no feelings whatsoever towards me.

theres a lot of anger, and when a relationship feels like it ends so suddenly, inexplicably, theres all that anger and nothing to do with it, no place to put it.

Would love to learn more about BPD, coping mechanisms for those left behind by someone with BPD, and be a further resource on this forum. Have spent a lot of time banging my head against the wall dealing with ex over the last 2-5 years and now am trying to become better educated about the entire subject.

id definitely encourage you to reach out to others. it will help build your support network, and to feel less isolated.

what are you looking to learn about regarding BPD and coping mechanisms? we can help. in my experience, learning helped me to better understand, and to depersonalize what i went through, but theres a lot of nonsense out there on the internet, and it can be really hard to navigate and sort through.

[SinisterComplex]

Don't feel bad about posting and venting so much. Actually this is what everyone should do. Communicate through the written word. Get it all out there. Others need to see the details to provide insight and not only that you need to see everything in written form so it can smack you in this face to wake you up. Writing/typing everything out is one of the best ways to release and process emotions. Essentially, by doing this you are making yourself your own therapist.

I didn't go in depth before because I have been busy with projects and I personally cannot stomach half-@$$ing anything. I did not want to misconstrue my thoughts. Now having gotten that out of the way...

So...this is heart-breaking, but all too familiar. She pushed and pulled you into submission. None of this was love my friend (on your end sure, but on hers...no). This was all about control from the start. She wanted to have her cake and to eat it too.

" I was hoping to tell her on that visit that I was willing to move across the country for her. However, immediately prior to the wedding (like 2-3 days in advance), she told me she'd recently started seeing someone else." - I would have been done at this point right here. However, male pride is a b*tch I know and your ego gets the best of you. In a scenario like this right here is where instead of being gutted or allowing yourself to feel that way you must have the mind set that you are option #1 or you are option NONE! That mind set is non-negotiable my friend. You must tell yourself as a man that you play B*tch to NO ONE! I will not sugarcoat this.

I see a lot of her telling you what you wanted to hear. You were always the more invested partner in the relationship. She always had 1 foot in and 1 foot out the door (don't take that personally...that is quite common for cluster b's).

"I just feel like with all I'd done to try and make this relationship work, and with forgiving her after cutting me out of her life 3 years ago, I shouldn't have been subjected to such spiteful & rude treatment all over again. I paid $400 for flights over Christmas a week before she ended things and she made little to no effort to ever pay me back for those flights. It's like she's a totally different person who has no feelings whatsoever towards me." - So the harsh truth to understand here...you are under the impression that how you feel and what you think matters to her...it doesn't and never did. You enabled her behavior and she exploited you because of it. This is a prime example of narcissism. You were a useful tool, but when she felt she used you for what she could you became expendable. Does it suck? Yes. Does it hurt? It should hurt a lot, but at the same time this should also make you realize that this is not what you want for yourself. You want to be love, respected, and appreciated. I do not see any of that here.

So as for educating yourself...when something feels off...it is. Trust your intuition and instincts...they are never wrong. Always pay attention to actions, not words. Talk is cheap. Build yourself stronger boundaries and do not relent on them. Most importantly always be willing to pull the plug on anyone. You must teach yourself that respect matters more than being liked. You cannot please everyone. As I say when you try to please everyone you effectively please no one! You seem to be an awesome person to me, but your kindness was taken advantage of. Hey it happens. Just take this in stride and don't allow yourself to let your hopes, dreams, etc be dictated by anyone other than yourself.

Perhaps something that can help you is focus on the mindset of abundance and not scarcity. Remember you always want to come from a place of power and not weakness or desperation. What I mean by that...think hey this relationship hurt me and yeah it sucks this is how it has to end, but guess what?...I get my life back. My life is pretty great with or without a partner. I am a pretty awesome person regardless (if you don't feel this way now then you start taking steps to embed that mind set into yourself...no excuses just get it done).

Lastly, always think to yourself...want better, expect better, do better! This person was not the end all be all for you. If this person was there would have been a hell of a lot more reciprocity and effort on the other end. You were making all the sacrifices. You were putting in all the work. Make someone meet you halfway from now on. If they cannot do that you do not stick around waiting. Your time is too valuable. Move on.

I promise your life will get better if you want it to get better.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DefeatedBB, You're not defeated; you have just had a setback like nearly everyone else here on the Detaching Board.  Most BPD relationships are not built to last, for all the reasons you enumerated in your post.  Just the way it is with BPD.  You did nothing wrong, so don't blame yourself!  You came up against an incredibly complex disorder that leaves destruction in its wake.

The good news is that, after going through the BPD crucible, you will emerge stronger, with better boundaries and improved self-esteem.  Although it may not feel like it now, parting ways with a pwBPD is a gift that leads to greater happiness, which is what it's all about, right?

Now is the time to focus on yourself.  Get back to being you.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Strive for authenticity.  As Nietzsche said, "Become yourself"!  You get the idea.

LuckyJim