Did my ex gf have BPD?

[Nepats8]

Wondering if a girl I dated was NPD

Hello

I am curious as to if a girl I dated for 2 months had NPD.

We met and things were amazing for the first 3 weeks.  Great dates, she was pursuing and chasing me.  She was very very attractive so of course I accepted her advances.  We got along great, she seemed to have a super compatible personality with me and had a lot of the same views.  A couple red flags on the first couple dates - she said her ex bf was a psycho, and she moved out of the apartment they shared while he was at work one day. 

Anyways after 3 weeks I was leaving her place and told her she was special to me.  The next time I saw her - a few days later it was like a flip switched.  She was mean and rude.  After sleeping with her she was leaving my place and said “thanks for the memories” , and after seeing the look on my face she said she was just joking - seemed like a bizarre joke to me.

Anyways after that she disappeared for 5 days, only to reappear and ask me why I didn’t call her more than once during her disappearance.  We went out to dinner and had a great time, and she offered to cook me dinner the following night.  When I contacted her she gaslit me and said we never agreed to that.

Then she invites me to meet all her friends - they are cool and we have a great time.  She shows me texts from several of them saying they really like me at the end of the night.  She ghosts me the next day. 

I’m scratching my head at her behavior and am wondering if this is consistent with Narcissism?

Thanks

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[Ozzie101]

NPD, BPD. There are possibilities for either one. Without knowing more about her behaviors and history, it's hard to say. BPD in particular is notoriously difficult to diagnose -- even for trained professionals.

Regardless, though, the tools and tips you'll find around here can be helpful in understanding what happened and how to handle it if it should come up again.

How do things stand now? Any contact at all?

[Nepats8]

No completely ghosted.  What was particularly shocking is she was the one bringing up other plans in the future constantly. 

I will say this.  She has a poor relationship with her father, and sees him 1x every few years because he lives overseas.

Takes a lot of adderall if that means anything. 

When we were together it was a feeling of being close that I have never felt before.  She was 30 I’m 35.

I’ve always considered myself a high confidence, high self esteem person and a high achiever.  I feel like 35 years of work on myself have been completely wiped out after this experience.  Like I can’t trust myself anymore

[Ozzie101]

Love bombing is a very common part of the BPD relationship. So many members here talk about feeling an intensity of emotion they've never experienced before so you're not alone there.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Almost every person here has had those feelings of "How could I let this happen? What's wrong with me? Why didn't I see this coming?"
It's normal. Believe me. You're in good company.

You might give these a look:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality
They may help you get some insight into the disorder and what these relationships are like.
I'd also encourage you to read around the boards and the posts of others. You may be surprised by the similarities.

[HardTruth]

OMG, what you write sounds so familiar.  Yes, red flags.  I've gone through that, but the connection seemed so sincere, the person seemed so sincere, so I just blew off the questions I had because I couldn't wrap my head around how two opposite impressions could exist at the same time.  And how both could be true.

Now after years, reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, several other books, being on this board, I see it's a pattern that is not uncommon.  And guess what...the pattern just worsens and doesn't go away.  Unless the person is willing and motivated to look at themself, which isn't that common.  

If I could give former self advice when I was in a similar situation as you, I would say, "walk away and don't look back".  Relationships shouldn't be this hard or inconsistent.  

When you find yourself questioning yourself, what did I do? What could I have done differently to get a better outcome...yet you were acting within normal range...it's not you!  Normal people allow a normal range of behaviors from others...ie if they misheard you or mistook something that you said or did...they would ask you and give you a chance to clarify.  They wouldn't ghost you.

[Nepats8]

Do you think this is consistent with BPD?

I feel like everything changed the minute I started having feelings for her.

[HardTruth]

It's potentially consistent, yes.  It's perhaps the push pull of engulfment versus abandonment.  In other words, when you're not that interested, she's interested and pursuing.  But once you're interested, she is disinterested or pushes you away.

Bottom line, her emotions and actions aren't consistent, so how can you ever trust her?  When will you ever be able to guess when she'll be coming or when she'll be going?  Do you believe that she will become more consistent over time?  In the past, I believed that as trust develops and people get to know each other, emotions and reactions even out.   I still think this is true.  However, the thing that's changed is where I want that starting point to be; ie I don't want someone who's unpredictable and changeable from the get go...my emotions tell me...do I feel stressed out or anxious anticipating their response?  Am I "walking on eggshells"?  If so, the unpredictability is too much.