Hello,
I hope this isn't too long. Thank you for reading
I've been in a partnership with someone with BPD, for well over 6 months. It took us a while but we finally reached a secure attachment and felt our relationship had evolved. It was truly a loving relationship and both of us are in the health fields and have done alot of personal work and are well read people. The challenge we had was that we both have core issues with abandonment, but I do not have BPD. We had reached a point where the secureness felt so tight that I decided I needed to tell my partner that something he was repeatedly doing was starting to cause a fear response in me. He often would ask me questions, sometimes intensely about stuff he felt that didn't add up. They could be about anything from why I ocked the door this time, to all kinds of things.. but bottomline is he's looking for signs of abandonment or betrayal. I am not the most consistent person, and I struggle with boundaries. I approached him to talk about this in the safest manner I could. I told him I loved him very much and I needed to talk about the questioning as it was starting to give me a fear response. He listened and I thought things were ok on departure. But then he completely pulled away, which caused my abandonment anxiety to erupt and I reached out to get answers on why I was shut out. He became very aloof and business like in our texts. We spent a few days texting, he said he got the sense that I wanted more autonomy, and that I only wanted him on my terms, that he wasn't allowed to ask questions on what I was doing when we weren't together. He said my actions were crazy making. This was all inaccurate and I explained that. I thought we had a chance to amend our relationship, but he continued to disconnect from me. The uncertainty became soo painful for me, I asked him to please tell me if he was thinking of ending it. Then he called and said yes, his intuition was telling him this was a dangerous relationship and it wasn't an easy decision but he had to leave. I am so heatbroken as I try to understand why a relationship so intimate, loving and supportive could now be a source of his pain and unsafety. It was like he could exit the relationship overnight, because I wanted to be heard over an issue we were having, nevermind all the good things we had and work we had done to overcome other conflicts. He even said he was pretty happy how we were able to navigate conflict. I've done alot of reading on trauma, so I feel like I can hold space for someone pretty well. He was my best friend and lover. Now I question my own reality ; Did this person ever love me at all?
Thanks for your help and guidance.
