Celebrate progress

[Methuen]

I would like to start a thread where we can share our own observations of our own progress in dealing with our BPD SO's - kind of as a way of sharing and spreading hope, and positive thinking with each other.

I've now realized that I've been impacted by being raised by a uBPD mom.  Before finding this board 6 months ago, I didn't know what BPD was, didn't know that my mom's behaviors weren't "normal", and therefore had no awareness that some of my peculiar traits could be connected to having been raised by her.  

Anyone want to spread/share a moment of success, or sign of growth they feel they have?  Spread some good news?

I would like to say that thanks to this board, I am feeling hopeful.  When I came here, I was angry, resentful, confused, indignant, hurt, and in pain.  By learning how to change my communication and behavior with her, it has helped me see I was part of the problem, and therefore also part of the solution.  It's not going to help "fix" the BPD, but I am slowly learning how to live my life.  This gives me hope.  I think that's progress:)

[Methuen]

One strategy I have learned to cope with my mom, is to recognize I don't need to immediately respond to her texts.  I can take my time, and either respond, or simply read and let it end there.  If I respond, I can respond now, or in a few hours (after I have had time to think and calm down), or tomorrow.  I think I am giving better responses now.   I used to feel guilty if I didn't respond immediately, but that has lessened significantly.  It seems to be working ok for my mom as well, since she hasn't complained

What strategies are working well for other people?

[Spindle0516]

I love, love, love this. 

One thing that I learned is that validating how my MIL feels in a moment, doesn't mean I am validating her version of events/conversations that took place.

This was liberating and gave me a tool when I didn't want to argue with her about what she said or what happened, but needed a way to acknowledge what she was saying to me in a given moment.

[Spindle0516]

One more! We have been in the midst of a really chaotic and stressful time with my MIL, so celebrating small successes is a good reminder of how far we have come despite how hard it has been.

My MIL has been trying to decide if she wants to move back to her hometown or stay with us in NYC. Today, she told us that she thinks she is going to have my SIL move out of her house so she can move back home. After telling us this though, she started crying and saying to my H that she has never lived away from him and she doesn’t think she can do it. This is also not true. My husband lived out of state for about 2 years and returned when her health started to decline. We used SET here by saying, “We know that living on your own is scary and it must feel overwhelming thinking about it” and it worked to alleviate any further conflict and I think she felt heard. We also said that we love her and will always be here for her. We reminded her that her moving does not mean she will never see us again.

This was a really good step for us and prevented so many of the circular conversations we have been having! 

[Methuen]

I used to instinctively feel the need to either rescue my mom, or help her make the right decision.  I felt responsible for her everytime there was a problem.

OK. So I have accepted rescuing doesn't work with BPD's.

Here's an example:  mom is 83, and physically very weak and frail (a result of many poor attitudes and decisions in her life).  She is "assessed" to be at "high risk" of falling.  Community care came into her home and made various recommendations.  The bath bench was one of them (it sits inside her tub and gives her something to safely sit on when she showers).  She is now as recovered as she can be, from her last fall.  Recently she asked me to return the bath bench borrowed from the Red Cross Loan Cupboard, which was in her bath tub .  I said "ok" and returned it to the loan cupboard.

Six months ago I would have argued with her.  It would have escalated, and it would have ended in conflict (I suspect the real reason she wanted it returned was because she doesn't like the "look" of the bath bench in her bathroom, nor what it symbolizes).  

By saying OK and returning the bath bench:
1) I avoided conflict
2) If she falls in the bathtub, and has more fractures or breaks, it's because she decided to no longer use the bath bench.  

Wow.  That was easy.

BTW, she also refused having a "non slip" mat put in the bottom of her bathtub.

I have stopped trying to prevent her accidents and falls.  It's not my responsibility right?  Instead, I let her keep her dignity, and sense of self-autonomy, and she gets to make her own decisions, good or bad, whatever the consequences.  She gets to stay in control of her life, and I don't feel responsible for her.  Big exhalation!  FREEDOM!  I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY MOTHER!    Living my own life, and letting her live hers.

When the next fall comes, we'll deal with all that comes with it then.  

What skill or strategy have you learned or tried that is working for you?

[Mata]

I used to instinctively feel the need to either rescue my mom, or help her make the right decision.  I felt responsible for her everytime there was a problem.

Wow, this summarizes exactly how I feel with my mom!  Thank you for sharing, it makes me feel like I can break out of this default way of thinking! 

[pursuingJoy]

Great thread Methuen!

I'm learning to allow my BPD MIL and enmeshed H to feel what they feel without getting dragged into it, feeling guilty, or justifying why I feel differently.

I'm also learning what it means to stay off the triangle, which I sometimes trigger by acting as rescuer to H. 

[Methuen]

PJ you are amazing.

I'm learning to allow my BPD MIL and enmeshed H to feel what they feel without getting dragged into it, feeling guilty, or justifying why I feel differently.

I'm also learning what it means to stay off the triangle, which I sometimes trigger by acting as rescuer to H.

Many people on this forum have been role models for me, and you are one of them.  Thanks to you and others sharing their experiences, I was able to see and believe there was a way out of the TRAP I felt I was in.  Thanks for sharing.

[Imatter33]

Methuen I could hear the joy in your words. Good for you in letting your mom live her life, and you living yours. I see how you are becoming free from the trap of enmeshment. Of feeling responsible for others feelings.
Isn't it huge when we really and I mean really stop doing that?
PJ proud of you too!

Following your lead and posting here so that we can celebrate progress as the title states.


*This deals with FOG as it pertains to my sibling relationships.

The FOG that exists around holidays and birthdays. It really can turn resolve on its head. Or turn up the anxiety in an instant. I felt the compulsive need to post here and ask advice HOWEVER, I also talked to myself, knowing that I've got this!

Progress One was having that moment of clarity, that I am learning skills and putting them into the real world.

So instead of crisis posting...  Here is my plan.

My husband and I decided that we are avoiding a big hoopla first bday for my daughter.  So a small gathering with grandparents and great grandma only, is the plan. I did not want to send invitations or  even bring it up with my siblings. However, my sister asked my dad what I am planning yesterday.

A side note: ( Proud of him, he told her to talk to me directly! Take that triangle!)

I realized that my sister may just be asking bc of her own sense of fOg (Obligation) to acknowledge her nieces bday.
She has not talked to me since xmas and our relationship is very bland right now.
One brother is aloof and busy and there is no expectation from either side.
My oldest brother is uBPD and has not talked to me since before xmas.

I felt that I was facing heavy FOG to send out invites to all my siblings. Obligated to have them at the BDAY thing.  Even though that would stress me and my husband out, and probably my dad too.


Did you know that is not the case?  I repeat to myself! I am Not Obligated.


I have decided that I will invite my sister over with my dad on a different day than the bday and avoid the guilt over not having siblings attend a "birthday party."

She can either come or not come, but I am not changing plans just because of FOG. 

[Spindle0516]

I realized this morning that my husband and I are getting better at not being rattled by my MIL's dyregularion.

Not every time, but progress is progress!

My MIL lost her mind last night, but by the time we went to our room, we were actually laughing at the absurdity of the conversation. That was a first for us. We would usually be drained and probably bickering so laughter was a fun change of pace.

As an aside, I dreamt last night, that I came to this thread to read about and celebrate progress, but when I got here, the font was so small that you couldn't see what anyone posted. And every effort I made to enlarge the font wouldn't work. So in my dream, I panicked that it meant ALL OF US didn't actually make progress and things were going to be hard forever.

Glad it was just a dream! 

[Methuen]

My MIL lost her mind last night, but by the time we went to our room, we were actually laughing at the absurdity of the conversation. That was a first for us. We would usually be drained and probably bickering so laughter was a fun change of pace.

Spindle I am celebrating with you!  This is a wonderful example of growth in developing a deeper understanding of BPD, and also of yours and H's ability to cope with it.  I believe that being able to see the humour is a healthy tool (as long as she can't see or hear your laughter).  Also wonderful that you are working together, and making each other stronger.  That is fortunate, as not everyone has that.

Thanks for sharing your dream.  How interesting.  I wonder if it speaks to the underlying fears of a lot of us with BPD SO's?  Let us know if the dream keeps repeating for you, or if by confronting it and writing about it here, helped put that dream to bed permanently.

Celebrating your healthy reaction to the last episode of your MIL!   Thanks for sharing!

[Sandalwood]

Celebrations abound! Thanks so much for this thread. We are all finding our way, bit by bit. Bravo!

I have been crisis posting this week because my sister contacted me by email after a long period of NC. I panicked and didn't know what to do. I wrote about it a lot here and a couple of great people talked me down off the ledge. Thank you!

So, after writing many drafts for my reply I got up today and decided to send my most recent draft. I told myself it didn't matter what I send because she may get upset, because that is what she does. I used SET and gave the best, most honest answer I could. If she is upset, so be it. I was being polite and responsible and she can react however she likes. So, I sent it. 

Who knows. It might even go well!

[Vanilla Sky]

Thank you for this thread. I saw some progress on myself this week and thought about sharing here too, with my online family 

I've been NC with my uBPD mother for over a year after her last rage. I couldn't take it anymore and knew I had to work on myself.
Educating myself about BPD and NPD, reading about the tools recommended by amazing members on this board, and recently started practicing boundaries with my enabler father, I started to feel more prepared to reconnect with her and had my Therapist to back me up on this. So I called her this week. I was expecting a lot of anger, abuse, name-calling, and I was feeling prepared to leave the conversation in a firm and loving way and sit my feelings afterward. There was no anger. There was my mother lost in anxiety and needing to cling on someone. My father might have cancer, we are waiting for the final blood test results to confirm, something to start processing now. So because she needs someone to regulate her emotions now, she didn't fight - she tried to cling on me right away.

Since then they have been texting me, asking me to call them, etc. My mother has been demanding that I come this week to visit them.
I called them today. She was asking when I would go there (I live 10 minutes away), and I said I couldn't go this week and would be there next Wednesday. She got upset and all about "don't you have 10 minutes to see your parents Saturday morning?". She wanted to know why I couldn't go there earlier.  I didn't JADE. I repeated that I could not go this week or weekend and that I would be there next Wednesday. She tried to escalate the situation, and I said "Mom, I need to go now, and I will see you next Wednesday" and the call ended in a friendly way.

I have a boundary around my time and availability. It's not negotiable at the moment. I won't jade with them about this, and will communicate in a loving and firm way.  I have to say that I felt very anxious as I had no idea how she would react - my need to control her so I can control myself . She will do and say things, but she has no control over my boundary. I want to celebrate that I was able to follow through despite the anxiety and fear.

[Methuen]

Hi Vanilla Sky

I am celebrating with you!

I was working in my workbook (on fear ladders and techniques for overcoming anxiety), when I decided to check bpdfamily for new replies.  And then I saw yours.  It lifted me right up.

I called them today. She was asking when I would go there (I live 10 minutes away), and I said I couldn't go this week and would be there next Wednesday. She got upset and all about "don't you have 10 minutes to see your parents Saturday morning?". She wanted to know why I couldn't go there earlier.  I didn't JADE. I repeated that I could not go this week or weekend and that I would be there next Wednesday. She tried to escalate the situation, and I said "Mom, I need to go now, and I will see you next Wednesday" and the call ended in a friendly way.

This is fantastic, and I am so happy for you.  It's hard though isn't it?  But you were able to do it.  Harri said something in her "Problem with Change Thread" that resonated with me:

Being prepared for any consequence also means knowing that we can handle whatever reaction that may happen.

It sounds like this is exactly what you were able to do.  Congratulations!

[Vanilla Sky]

Thank you, Methuen!

It's so great that you mentioned the "Problem with change" article that Harri posted as I have read that article many times before reaching out to my mother this week. Knowing that we can handle our own feelings to whatever reaction that may happen it's a great source of strength for us dealing with such unstable relationships. I have also been following your threads and contributions here and I am learning a lot from you. In another thread you said: "when my mom gave me the silent treatment, I also understood that she was NEVER going to apologize or reach out to me.  So as the "adult" in the relationship, it was always going to be up to me to reach out with the first move to contact.  I do this in "safe" ways". One of the reasons it was hard for me to even think about boundaries was the silent treatment. I am coming to accept that reaching out to my mother will always be on me, but I can choose when and a safe way for me. I am less angry that I will need to be the one doing that. Another success for me. Thank you very very much!

[BeARiver]

Methuen,

You're awesome! Great idea for a thread. I am celebrating working with a therapist for the first time in my life. I feel that it is LONG over due. She is helping me so much. I am also journaling, reading, and educating myself with books, talking to friends (it's surprising how many people in my life know people with BPD and NPD), joining a BPD support group and this wonderful forum! I feel empowered and educated for the first time about my mother's condition. While I am now grieving the hope that she will change or get better or that we would ever have a healthy relationship, I am overjoyed with the knowledge and validation that I am not alone!

[Methuen]

We celebrate with you BeARiver, because you are looking after yourself!  Discovering self-care, and our right and responsibility to look after ourselves, is surely a special and wonderful thing to celebrate!

We also celebrate you joining our BPDfamily!

[Imatter33]

Hi BPDFam,

I experienced a small success using SET! Haven't we all here had that moment of absolute peace leave... when an unexpected message or text comes through, and it seems capable of destroying rational thought or a nice day?

 Yesterday this happened to me. And there was indication in this message of hopelessness, despair, and possible suicidal ideation that had me tied up in knots.

I had panic and then remembered  "I know some things."

I took a breath, and i said, (to myself) this is probably when I am supposed to use SET.
 What I might have responded too right away in the past I used SET in a response and did not return a call until I  had peace!

While wrestling FOG di read and got "beefed up" on resources here. Things like how to validate, do not validate the invalid, and
the e part about radical genuineness put so much in persepctive as well. Suprise surprise my callback went much better than previously.

Doing this hard work is so rewarding when even a small hurdle is jumped. One at a time.

[Harri]

This is great to read!

Well done.

I love this:


"I know some things."

Yes, you do!

 

[Methuen]

Oh Imatter!  You lit up my day with this post!  When I go to bed tonight, this will definitely be a highlight, and maybe the highlight.

Celebrating with you!

"I know some things!"  

Thanks for sharing that SET worked!

KNOWLEDGE is POWER!

 

[Lovemyjess]

Hi Methuen,
I have read a couple of your posts and I think you and I have very similar situations. I am also an only child and my
Mom is 81. I have found some hope by reading your posts. I’m new to this page and actually having a lot of anxiety about going public with my story. I tried to delete my post but I see that’s not possible. Maybe they do that to stop us chickens : )
Anyways..being an only child has a whole other set of stresses to it so I feel your pain. I wish you well with your
Mom. I’ve just discovered that my mom has BPD after years of not understanding her behavior. This is app new to me at the age of 58.

[Methuen]

Hi there Lovemyjess,

Celebrating your first post with you!  That's progress for you right?  It's a step towards asking for support from people who are dealing with the same types of challenges with their pwBPD.  It gets easier   Welcome!

[slick707]

"Anyways..being an only child has a whole other set of stresses to it so I feel your pain".

Hi Lovemyjess,

I'm both a newbie and an only child with a uBP mom. This really resonated with me and best of strength as you start this journey!

[Lovemyjess]

Thank you, Slick707. I appreciate your kind words and those of Methuen.

[Methuen]

It has been one year since I made 120 perogies with my uBPD mom, for her to enjoy. We made them at my house.  She was SSOO happy with those perogies because we froze them all for her and she was able to take them out of the freezer whenever she wanted, and have an instant supper for many many months.  While we were making those perogies for her at my house, her gardener was at her house.  Mom had left her gardener with instructions on which shrubs she wanted moved around in her garden.  She offered to give us back the azalea shrubs we had given her about 5 years earlier (we had purchased them for ourselves, but hadn't found the time to get them into our garden, and she said she wanted them so we gave them to her to make her happy...about $400 worth).  I was so delighted she offered them back to me, because Azaleas are my favourite flowering shrub, and she was actually doing something nice for me.  I couldn't believe it.  I am in love with Azaleas, and their bright happy colours.  Although she had offered the shrubs to us, I guess we didn't get there fast enough to dig them out (a big job since they had grown in 5 years), so the day we were making her perogies at my house, was the very day she had her gardener dig out those azaleas, and put them in garbage bags to make room for her new plants. 

Then the next day, with her perogies in her freezer, she invited us over to see her new garden.

Me: Jaw drop...Mom...where did all the Azaleas go?
Mom...Marg put them in the garbage.
Me: Long long pause as I processed this.  Mom...I don't understand...
Mom...Marg put them in the garbage.
Me:  Why did she do that?
Mom...I don't know.  I'll bring the coffee out.  I made cookies.  I want you to try them.
Me: So while I was making perogies for you all day yesterday, you instructed your gardener to put the Azaleas we gave you, which you offered to give back to us, into the garbage?
Mom:  Try my cookies.  They're really good!

I had reached my limit. 

Everybody has a last straw.  This was my last straw.  It took 58 years of using me to have her own needs met, for me to finally reach my limit.  Perhaps most people would shrug this off as a misunderstanding, but my mom was not sorry those shrubs were in the garbage.  In fact, she tried to serve coffee to us as if nothing had happened.  While the perogy/shrub episode would probably seem trivial to most people, for me it was a symbol of how she treated me.  Garbage. 

Thence began my healing journey.

Today (about a year later to the day) I am celebrating the following :
1) I have contact with her mostly on my terms, generally 2 X per week.  It is congenial.  I support her with things she can't do for herself (she's 84 and frail)
2) I am detaching from her emotionally, and learning to feel my own emotions.  When she tries to draw me to feel her emotions for her, I use one of my new found tools to resist going down that rabbit hole.
3) I am happier than I've been in many preceding years.  I am exploring new hobbies for myself, putting time into getting healthy physically, and also sleeping better. 
4) Being happier means I'm not in a state of emotional chaos all the time.  I now carry much less negative feelings (baggage) than I used to.  I don't resent her.  Last summer I was feeling like I hate her.  I don't hate her anymore.  I have sadness for her illness, but I don't hate her.  I have learned to look after myself, so now I can better manage my feelings around her.
5) When she does or says something stupid, I am much better equipped with distress tolerance skills, to manage it and I can get back to baseline in a much quicker period of time.
6) I have become enlightened, and realized I was "enmeshed" with my mom.  I had no idea that the parentification I was a willing participant to wasn't normal (doesn't everybody do that with a parent?), but now I do, and I've been taking steps to heal from that, and change my behavior. 

I have chosen today to celebrate my one year anniversary.  It hasn't been an easy journey.  It's been hard, and hard on my H too.  But I'm in so much of a better place now than I was in the years previously.  If I stop and imagine...where I would be today and how I would be feeling...actually imagine...if I hadn't done the work to emotionally detach from my mom, I choke up, because I wouldn't have a life of my own.  My life would be the life she needs me to live for her benefit, but with no kind words or love in return.  Instead...there is only FOG FOG FOG, and I would just be feeling like garbage.

But instead, I am happy, growing to be a wiser person, more "present" for my own family and friends, and volunteering for people in the community who genuinely appreciate the help I offer. 

So for those of you out there that are in crisis right now, because of your pwBPD, I want you to know that I was feeling all kinds of pain for many years, and landed on this website/forum a year ago, but it can get better.  I genuinely hope that brings you "hope", because that is what I am trying to do here, is share "hope" for improved quality of life, and the ability to "own" one's own life, and not be "owned" emotionally, by the pwBPD.

Since we all have different experiences with our pwBPD and BPD is such a spectrum that affects us all differently, our journey's will look different, but the tools and many of the steps are still the same.
 
My wish is for anyone reading this who is feeling low, to feel hope, and believe that it can get better! 

I hope others will share their stories of success on this thread, be they small steps or large, so that we can share and celebrate with each other, and spread positive feelings and hope all around!

[Harri]

Methuen!   

What a joy to read this and yes, I think you have done really well and I am inspired by your ability to see it and share it with us.

Thank you. 

[pursuingJoy]

Friends, I've missed you! This is my first pandemic post.

I enjoyed catching up on celebrations.  Methuen, look how far you've come in just one year. Lovemyjess, welcome! Imatter, just write poetry already. Your writing is (chef's kiss). Spindle, I am loving that you and your H are able to laugh at your MIL's antics. Wow. 

We definitely had a moment to celebrate this week. H told me last week that he wants his mom to visit to see recent renovations on our house, adding as a nervous afterthought that I had to call and invite her or she wouldn't come. He also insisted that it had to be overnight. I have calmly maintained, for four days, that she is welcome for a day visit, and that because we are a joint unit, I will not call - an invitation from me is an invitation from him.

For the first time, he didn't intimidate, shout, or get nasty, even though he cycled through the same shock, panic, fear, anxiety, and anger. I stayed calm and resolute and repeated my simple boundaries over and over.

You know how when you set a boundary, it's chaos and pushing, then there's a transition into acceptance and with it, a measure of peace? That was last night. I am hopeful that something is clicking with how we have these conversations about his mom.

[Methuen]

PJ I’ve been wondering about how you are doing for a long time!  It is so great to hear that your stalwart determination and consistency around setting boundaries is paying off!  If it went well once, it can go well again and hopefully become a new learned healthy pattern.  It is evidence to some, and a reminder to others, that boundaries do work!  Thanks for sharing this great news!  Celebrating with you! 
 

[LunaJoy]

Hi, this is small and petty, but my mother ended a FaceTime call yesterday by telling me I need to lose weight.  I was very upset, but I had a laugh about it with partner and teenager and felt better.  Today, I knew she would be alone and my sister probably would not call, so I called her, even though I would usually not call her after she has upset me.  The call was fine - short, with little drama and no personal comments. I’m glad I didn’t stay dramatically upset myself, and that I did not make more bad feelings by not calling her for days.  She is very old, lives alone, and loves her family a lot, though she sometimes has a funny way of showing it.

[Methuen]

Lunajoy, I think that that is huge, not at all small and petty.  Being able to self-manage after being upset by your mother (over a very personal criticism that crossed a very personal boundary), and recover enough to "let it go" and still phone her the next day, I think is major progress. It inspires me.  I'm still working on it...I usually need more than 24 hours to recover from these episodes! Congrats!