I want someone to tell me it’s going to be okay.

[Harvester]

That’s it.   Help me believe this will be okay.  Please.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

We are here for you.  Tell it.  What's going on ?

[Swimmy55]

I apologize I responded quickly to your pain and just read through your previous posts.  Tough love coming your way-inner okayness is an inside job.  I am saying this for myself too.  I am currently estranged from my DS .  It hurts dreadfully and it's terrifying.  However, for you , and only you, you must know that you deserve peace as much as your daughter.  We can't place our peace in the hands of our sick BPd kids.  They can't even handle themselves or their feelings, much less us giving them the responsibility over our feeling ok.  We must pull up our inner resilience and do it.  Practice putting the focus back on us. 

[Harvester]

Thank you Swimmy55.  I’ve only be shut out for 5 days,  but since we’ve always had contact every couple of days, this is so hard.  I think I’ve become the scapegoat for everything and everybody she’s mad at.  I’m not saying I haven’t given her reasons to be mad.  I’ve had difficulty in romantic relationships throughout the years.  But there was never any physical or emotional abuse.  I worked hard to protect my daughters from unhappiness.  I’ve been in a good, healthy, loving  relationship for the past 7 years.  But my DD never discusses anything about our past or current life with me.  When I’ve tried, she shuts me down.  In the recent past, she’s called or texted when she’s manic and just wants to talk, when she’s having trouble with a relationship or job, or when she feels obligated to check in with me.  For the first time in a week, I slept well last night.  I felt peace and help from somewhere.  I think it’s because I admitted to being paralyzed.  You are right that I cannot expect peace from my DD.

[Resiliant]

Hi Harvester,

I feel your anguish.  You asked: "Will this be okay?"

Only if you choose it to be.

This reminds me of the term "radical acceptance". 

Here is one definition: "Radical acceptance" means completely and totally accepting something from the depths of your soul, with your heart and your mind. You stop fighting reality."

Radical acceptance is different from resigning yourself to something.  When we resign ourselves to something we accept defeat and likely discontinue to do anything about it.  When we practice "radical acceptance", we accept reality as something that we have to work with and deal with.   That is just my interpretation, I'm sure it's not perfectly accurate and I hope others may share their input.

Everything will be okay as long as you are ready to accept that this is okay right now.   

In my case, I have accepted that as long as my son is alive and breathing, things are okay.

Having said that, I believe what others have taught me that "everyone is doing their best, and everyone needs to do better".  What I mean by that is that even though I have accepted that everything is okay, I will continue to practice skills and continue to learn as much as I can to better myself in my relationship with my son.   And pray for him each and every night.

We can't control our future, and we can't control our adult children.  We need to let them go, let them find their way even if we think they are choosing a wildly difficult path.   When they are in a really difficult situation they will know where to turn, back to the ones that have always been there for them.

Take care of yourself, things really might be okay!

 
R

[PeaceMom]

harvester,
The book “Loving someone w/BPD” explains how these sufferers are incapable of empathy and true compassion bc they live In a daily fight for their very lives. They are not equipped to genuinely care for and about others, even their own mothers. They live in a depleted state until they can bolster their coping skills and fill their own glass (like LNL has shared here).

Swimmy and Resilient, I needed to read your words tonight. As DD ran out the door in her car in a maniacal state after a fight w/BF. My fear went thru the roof but my mindfulness and Radical acceptance practice helped me calm down and accept the fact that she’s 19 and I have zero control over her. I appreciate you all and your wise words.

[Resiliant]

Ahhh, Peacemom.  This is not easy!   Thanks for the note.  You have been there for me many times ever since my very first post!

[Harvester]

Thank you all for your support and valuable info.  Resilient, this especially touched me: “In my case, I have accepted that as long as my son is alive and breathing, things are okay.“

Today, I started journaling the last 25 years.  This also helped me gain perspective.

[Etsy]

Resilient,

I like your words of strength and encouragement. I think the support in this community is lovely. It takes you away from the dark place of isolation and loneliness of having to cope on your own. Hopefully enabling us to pull on our inner strength, that we all have, but might be having difficulty locating!

Takecare - everyone
Etsy