Why do I do this to myself? Am I obsessive etc?

[Thanos]

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341393.0

Hello my dear friends, happy holidays!


I have not replied for a while, but I have been visiting every day. I just didn`t have any energy to write. To be honest, it`s been a really hard time.
Been really depressed, severe one with bad thoughts. But I have been there, 3 times in 2 years. So nothing new for me, I know it gets better.
The thing is, it has been because I lack discipline. I have not contacted her, even on holidays, as I know it is over for good.
Because of that, it has made me really stressed out with bad anxiety. So I have been stalking her online and I now this made things alot worse. So I have been asking myself, why do I do this to myself? Am I obsessive etc?
But I know it is a Trauma Bond, that it is my addiction to her. But still I stalk her online, phone in my hand refreshing updates every 5 minutes. NOTHING, she is a ghost. She is gone! Who knows, maybe she is back in Malta, with her new boyfriend. Because I left her before our trip to Malta and now I am alone and she found a new boyfriend from there.
Then I have this mixed feelings. "Maybe if I didn`t leave her before that trip, she wouldn`t found that new boyfreind and I had been with her, this holidays"
But then I am thinking to myself. It had to be this way, it doesn`t matter anymore, IT IS OVER!
At the same time I have this feeling why I have to suffer, why I am the one who is alone and she found somebody else again. Like I am making myself to suffer, letting her go. AND THEN again I think suffering is a MUST, because there is no other way to get through this pain.
Few years ago, I didn`t know there can be HELL on earth, through your mind. That you brain can make you suffer this way.
I say this, there is NO WAY i will let her back in my life anymore. I know why she comes back every time, because I am strong to her, I am the only one who dosen`t chase her after devaluation. But like i said before, I still suffer alot, but she has no clue about it!
I know I have made this all happen again because of my ways. So called NC to get you ex back, it has worked many times. But to implement NC with BPD/NPD, you have to make sure why you are doing this. You can`t use it as a tool to get your BPD/NPD back. You have to use it to get YOUR LIFE BACK!
I have been doing this part ways, knowing how to proceed and what is the main goal. BUT in my subconscious mind I hoped she is coming back. And she did, 4 times.

This has been really toxic, from both sides. It happend because of my weak boundaries, every single time!
Hardest part is to finally understand this has to end, right now! I have made my decisions, to gut the cord!
So all the stalking, thinking what went wrong every single minute, is WASTED energy. I lost my energy fighting this toxic relationship, then why do I still waste my last energy to a person, who I cut from my life.

You see, this all takes you somewhere. BE grateful that you had this part in your life. Because after all that pain and suffering, you will wake up one day and feel like a new person. I know that feeling. But please don`t make the same mistake as I did. You can`t fix others, only you can fix yourself!

All of you here, you are like a family. Believe me, we are stronger than we think. It is strong to feel these emotions, to feel the pain. It WILL make you a stronger person.
You will love yourself again, I know that, it comes from experience.

Big love!

[Rev]

Hello my dear friends, happy holidays!

All of you here, you are like a family. Believe me, we are stronger than we think. It is strong to feel these emotions, to feel the pain. It WILL make you a stronger person.
You will love yourself again, I know that, it comes from experience.

Big love!

Thanos my brother.  THANKS so much for this. Today is a weird day for me as I am a out to create new memories with a great person in my life ...  someone who was married to a disordered person too. 

Your words of hope make these mixed feelings so small in the face of what Ive found here on these message boards.

Great wishes to you as well.

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

Thanos, I understand your plight. I really do. I see the struggle that is going on. Definitely remain resolute in your NC. Quit stalking social media, find a new addiction or hobby that is constructive and productive. That will be the best thing for you. You cannot rely on what you have been doing. The only way to get over something of this magnitude is to create novelty and to let it consume you so you replace the destructive thoughts with constructive thoughts. Not only that man, but you want happiness. The only way that can happen is to get rid of the mental blocks in your path. Let go. Embrace the fear of the unknown and let a new chapter in your life begin.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Thanos]

SC Thanks for the support. Struggle is REAL!

I still stalk her social media, as I can`t get my mind off her. Thing is, there is nothing to stalk, zero posts. I think that is making me crazy, as i don`t know what is going on, is she fine etc.

This holiday was mental, atleast it is over now. Allmost 2 months of NC (except that gym time 1 month ago we saw each other, but didn`t talk).

I miss her so badly! But this time is different, I know we are done for forever. And this fact makes me so depressed.

I see her in my dreams, all sexual. When i wake up, i am a mess. I miss that intimacy so much.

I struggle to think about bad times, because at this moment it dosen`t change anything.

I am just sad that things didn`t work out, even if it is BPD/NPD. At the end of the day, I lost one of the closest persons in my life.
All the time I think about being friends. Why we have to be strangers now. But I know I am mentally weak for any boundaries.

I just wish time would go faster, that one day I would feel like I can move on with my life. I know it will come, but now I am this dark place.

It really is a The End, I feel it this time. Before, I had a hope, even when i knew it was ending at one point. She is gone, forever.

I think I`m finally grieving. She was/is really special. There is no one like her.

Because of my boundaries, I made this to myself. So I am not pointing any fingers. I had opportunites to move on with my life, one breakup was enough. But I wanted more.

This 2 and a half years, I have been living a lie. I had 2 really nice girls between our breaks, who were healthy and loving persons. But i chose her over them.
Now I am lonely and depressed. But you know what, you live you learn.

I am going away for a week, work stuff. When I`m coming back, I will attend a therapy.

Just venting!

[SinisterComplex]

Thanos, "She was/is really special. There is no one like her. " - Please stop doing this to yourself. It is almost like you are trying to convince yourself of this. I will do you the solid of calling BS. I have to get real and say the whole idea of "the one" and thinking there is no one like her is just fear and a scarcity mindset setting in. Remember...Outcome Independence and the abundance mindset. Perhaps a more important thing I will point out to you and give you something to ponder...you want to say she is so special and there is no one like her right? Well how about this...maybe you are right and that is a good thing...I wouldn't want to meet anyone like that again who did me bogus. How about you are just going to find someone better. The bar is set rather low actually if you can wrap your head around the point I am making here.

You will do better. Just continue to grieve and heal man. Please continue to vent as well and from this point on...you know I got your back, but I will only respond if you ask for my guidance or support. Otherwise I will check in and just observe my friend. I want to see you happy and kicking $$ and taking names. Make 2020 phenomenal for YOU!

Cheers and best wishes to you my friend!

-SC-

[Thanos]

Just a little update.

Like you guys know that many our exBPD are cheaters and liers.

Today I got information from my friend, that he saw her at sugar daddy dating site called Seeking Arrangements.

Apparently she has been active from 2015. All the time when she was on the phone etc. She was talking with sugar daddys and who knows what else.

It makes me sad and angry. All the blaming for cheating her, it was all mirroring. It dosen`t matter if it was emotional cheating or physical.

I can`t stop thinking what life would that be, when we had a child. She would be seeking sugar daddys behind my back and I would have been a miserable miserable man, without a proper wife and a support.

Still stings alot but i dodged a bullet!

[Rev]

Still stings alot but i dodged a bullet!

I am discovering that our exes have these secrets - because the reason they reached out to us was based on lie of some kind.  So the secrets are already there.  They didn't just arise because of something we did.

I certainly dodged a bullet too.

Rev

[Teddy007]

i was also thinking about this today. To have a child with a person who lies, cheat, hates, have no trust in anyone including her self. With all the secrets and drama, how would a family life with a person like this look. It still stings for me as well, but so much of what i read on here is related to my ex behavior as well. She  was on a sex chat searching for "dark" men to have a treasome with... I mean damn... This is one secret that i have now find out about. Who knows how many dark secrets still lies in the shadows.

We did not dodge a bullet, we dodged a freaking atomic bomb =D

[Rev]

With all the secrets and drama, how would a family life with a person like this look. It still stings for me as well, but so much of what i read on here is related to my ex behavior as well. She  was on a sex chat searching for "dark" men to have a treasome with... I mean damn... This is one secret that i have now find out about. Who knows how many dark secrets still lies in the shadows.

We did not dodge a bullet, we dodged a freaking atomic bomb =D

No kidding... the secrets are almost always dark. I hear so many stories.

I have a friend who's ex had an affair with his father.  Another friend's ex had their son change his legal name. My ex's new supply is her biological half brother - she's adopted and she found him about a year ago.  

Nice.

Rev

[Cromwell]

Is the learning aspect as much about finding these discoveries and a sense of relief of dodging the bullet one part of it? I like to also think about how I fell in 'love', how I got emotionally so deeply attached prior to discovering these things. Is there a lesson here to be picked out? For me it does help and heal to find acceptance that I fell for her sooner than I would have liked to, more time could have also dodged the bullets that -did - hit.

The same goes from their side, the idealisation as a substitute for actually knowing the other, only to then face a rupture where reality punctuates it, leading to devaluation (also a substitute for truly knowing).

A bomb dropped on me, or shot at. Both of these are disempowering as if I was passive to it in a fateful sense. I lacked being open to awareness, those first months were too dream like, enchanting, drug like bliss to put a stop to, but willingly coming out of that ecstasy, inputting a form of braking technique - it was possible, I chose not to. Got carried away.

Im fine about it nowadays, reflected heaps, analysed factors - all experience, lesson learned. Lets face it, after all that - the pain overcome, the health restored - get another chance to avoid similar scenario.

When these secrets are revealed, they cease to become secrets. When I look back at the time line, the atomic bomb hit me 3 months in out of apparent nowhere. Are these performances that generate shock and grave upset uncovered by chance - was she too complacent to hide them - or were they meant to be found. A form of catharsis on her part.

My ex confided with me that a part of what made her BPD was having to internalise and keep secret aspsects of herself from her parents.

I cant help but feel that my principle role had really become that of a therapist and opportunity to be used as an emotional outlet. What is there to lose and everything to gain? Can always move on to the next and rinse and repeat the process.

[Thanos]

Is the learning aspect as much about finding these discoveries and a sense of relief of dodging the bullet one part of it? I like to also think about how I fell in 'love', how I got emotionally so deeply attached prior to discovering these things. Is there a lesson here to be picked out? For me it does help and heal to find acceptance that I fell for her sooner than I would have liked to, more time could have also dodged the bullets that -did - hit.

The same goes from their side, the idealisation as a substitute for actually knowing the other, only to then face a rupture where reality punctuates it, leading to devaluation (also a substitute for truly knowing).

A bomb dropped on me, or shot at. Both of these are disempowering as if I was passive to it in a fateful sense. I lacked being open to awareness, those first months were too dream like, enchanting, drug like bliss to put a stop to, but willingly coming out of that ecstasy, inputting a form of braking technique - it was possible, I chose not to. Got carried away.

Im fine about it nowadays, reflected heaps, analysed factors - all experience, lesson learned. Lets face it, after all that - the pain overcome, the health restored - get another chance to avoid similar scenario.

When these secrets are revealed, they cease to become secrets. When I look back at the time line, the atomic bomb hit me 3 months in out of apparent nowhere. Are these performances that generate shock and grave upset uncovered by chance - was she too complacent to hide them - or were they meant to be found. A form of catharsis on her part.

My ex confided with me that a part of what made her BPD was having to internalise and keep secret aspsects of herself from her parents.

I cant help but feel that my principle role had really become that of a therapist and opportunity to be used as an emotional outlet. What is there to lose and everything to gain? Can always move on to the next and rinse and repeat the process.

They know it, you are just a emotional trash bin for them. At the moment in the relationship, you lose. But in the big picture after relationship with BPD, you gain.

And about red flags. I remember how she said at our first date, "Don`t believe what others are talking about me". I heard storys, but i didn`t believe them. She was so "Innocent" and loving person.

It feels strange, that finally I know who she is. And that there wont be that person who I met, ever!
I am sure that she knows that too, finally. At least I hope so!

[Cromwell]

It feels strange, that finally I know who she is. And that there wont be that person who I met, ever!
I am sure that she knows that too, finally. At least I hope so!

I hear you Thanos, there is value given to her judgements - In short - it matters to you what she thinks and you hope she sees you different than she may have done before.

[Teddy007]

The first time the bomb dropped on me was about 3-4 months in. We had been together everyday from the day we meet. It was summer and it was really dreamlike crazy romantic. Never ever felt it in such intense way. But i remember so good as i read i few of the last posts here how i got so angry and was not that invested in her at the time. So i just wrote fine, and did not react. It took about 2 weeks and she was back. I asked her out about this and said that i really don´t want too continue if she is unsure. Surprise surprise! I was the love of her life. Things went smoothly from there on for about 3-4 months, then the same thing happen again, this time with the ghosting, silent treatment and triangulation. The guy she was doing it with well... The girl i knew would never had even looked at this guy. So a few weeks of hell back and forth and i she got busted. I confronted her and well she cut me of and moved in with this guy the same day. Lived wit him for a week  and then wanted to come back home.

As i think about it, how could i take her back then, and why did i do it. After that it was maybe 2 months and then it started again. The cycles got more abusive and shorter, and the triangulation with another guy started again. She would be with me for 4-8 days, then cut me of and was with him for about the same matter of days. This nightmare would go back and forth for about a month. And then she went with him. About a month later wanted to come back, at this time i was so trauma bond and in the fog that i took her back in an instant. Things were good or even great for about 2 months. Then she left me for the same guy again. And it has now been about 5 months, she has charm and trapped me a few times and said, done some really bad things!

I mean feeling much better and seeing things much more clearly just reading with i am writing confuses me. What was i thinking? It is truly some scary stuff. I have never lost my self this much in my life.

And after all it still stings, and i still think about her. But not in the same way. I really don´t even know why i felt like writing this right now. Just needed to went maybe?

Still i feel like i dodge an atomic bomb =D

[SinisterComplex]

I see progress, healing, and true venting. This is healthy. Keep it up boys!

Cheers!

-SC-

[LJLR]

Hey!
I had a very similar experience with my ex gf and for the first few weeks I put myself through absolute hell with checking up on everything she was doing, which was only making it worse and myself feel horrendous. I wanted her gone but as soon as she did and found someone else it almost killed me. Here are my top tips to help change your mindset.

1) If you are suffering from depression or any traits of OCD - go to the doctors and get on medication, it can do wonders, I was always really against this kind of stuff but I can honestly say it is one of the best things I have ever done.

2) Block and delete. Deactivate your Facebook. Make your Instagram private, block on all platforms. This does not have to be forever but you need to get strong again before you have access to this stuff. The world of social media can be crawl, don't put yourself through anymore  pain.

3) Block and delete your ex's number or change their number to your number.

4) Take a break from alcohol

5) Confide in close friends, open up about the relationship and how you are feeling.

6) Get up early, take a run, eat healthy

7) Remember the things outside of the relationship that made you happy and focus on those.

Look into self help books and if you have to remember all the bad stuff that happened during your relationship and think, if someone really loved you, would they act this way.

I hope this helps

[Thanos]

Hi all!

So today was the day, we met at the gym after 2 months of no contact.

As I was working out, she followed me at the gym, but kept her distance. Every time when we had eye contact, she turned her head around quickly.
Let me remind that I am still blocked on social media and probably on the phone too.
So I was stretching at the end of my workout and she came there, to stretch. We have alot of room there but she came next to me about 2 feet away from me.
I was thinking to myself what should i do? I had that voice in my head, be strong Thanos, don`t open any conversation with her. So I didn`t, neither did she. So she just walked away, thats it.

Now I have a mixed feelings. Because I feel like she is playing me. You know I would really like to just have some friendly conversation with her, because we had a really messed up breakup.
Like in the past, one thing leads to other. I don`t trust her at all, and I´am sure she knows I still care for her.
BUT at the same time I feel bad for everything, like I should atleast ask her how she is and maybe I can get my charger back.

My support said that I made a right choice, to ignore her. Because only thing she want`s is Valitation. And if i keep ignoring her, she will leave me alone.

It is hardest thing I have ever encountered. She looked so beautiful and sweet.

What do you guys think, should I stay this way and keep ingoring her?

[Rev]

 

What do you guys think, should I stay this way and keep ingoring her?

Thanos - we've been there... let me bottom line it for you.


YES!


Rev

[SinisterComplex]

Thanos...Have a laugh for a moment and how about you fill in the blanks for me as to what I would say. I think I have provided some material to serve as strong reminders and also great entertainment. I don't think I can one up myself any further. I got your back always amigo. ;-)

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Thanos]

Thanos...Have a laugh for a moment and how about you fill in the blanks for me as to what I would say. I think I have provided some material to serve as strong reminders and also great entertainment. I don't think I can one up myself any further. I got your back always amigo. ;-)

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Haha, Thanks mate!

Just venting after seeing her.

She is like a drug. I keep reminding that, keeps my head clear.

It's getting better, some days are harder, but that's okay.

I am building my frame day by day.

Thank you all, big love!

[Rev]

Haha, Thanks mate!


She is like a drug. I keep reminding that, keeps my head clear.

My mentor, herself a one-time addict, now clean, said to me about my separation to my now rather un-hinged ex - "Rev, you can't have just a little bit of heroin."

Have a great one!

Rev

[Thanos]

My mentor, herself a one-time addict, now clean, said to me about my separation to my now rather un-hinged ex - "Rev, you can't have just a little bit of heroin."

Have a great one!

Rev

Yes Rev, that is gold!


Friday I was at the gym. Was about to end my cardio, did some bag work and again saw her walking by. So to make sure I noticed her, she came next to me to warm up on ergometer.
She looked so depressed and sad, like she was having really bad anxiety. She noticed I was there after 1 minute and then just stand up and went for another exercise machine, which was really odd.

It was obvious she want`s me to talk to her. So I walked to her and asked "did you get my message about week ago, I need my charger back" (Yes I sent her a message).
She said "Oh, your number is blocked, so I didn`t get it. But I have it in  my car and you can get it back". So looks like she has been holding it in her car for some time and hoping I will contact her in some ways, like in the GYM as I am blocked from otehr communication options.

When I saw that anxious face, all the bad came back. And it reminded me why I LEFT. It was all wrote on her face, DRAMA and CHAOS.
I don`t want that, I just don`t.
I am painted black, she hates me, I felt it. But still at the same time is looking for some validation from me.

That`s fine, it`s better this way. I can be the "bad person" as long she finds her way, at some point. And if she needs me again, only thing I can to for her is guide her to therapy. As I am no longer her support!

As for now on, I will change my gym schedule, so I won`t be having contact or at least minimize it.

[Rev]

Yes Rev, that is gold!


Friday I was at the gym. Was about to end my cardio, did some bag work and again saw her walking by. So to make sure I noticed her, she came next to me to warm up on ergometer.
She looked so depressed and sad, like she was having really bad anxiety. She noticed I was there after 1 minute and then just stand up and went for another exercise machine, which was really odd.

It was obvious she want`s me to talk to her. So I walked to her and asked "did you get my message about week ago, I need my charger back" (Yes I sent her a message).
She said "Oh, your number is blocked, so I didn`t get it. But I have it in  my car and you can get it back". So looks like she has been holding it in her car for some time and hoping I will contact her in some ways, like in the GYM as I am blocked from otehr communication options.

When I saw that anxious face, all the bad came back. And it reminded me why I LEFT. It was all wrote on her face, DRAMA and CHAOS.
I don`t want that, I just don`t.
I am painted black, she hates me, I felt it. But still at the same time is looking for some validation from me.

That`s fine, it`s better this way. I can be the "bad person" as long she finds her way, at some point. And if she needs me again, only thing I can to for her is guide her to therapy. As I am no longer her support!

As for now on, I will change my gym schedule, so I won`t be having contact or at least minimize it.

Thanos - thanks for the smile. I have a similar incident. That holding on to our stuff to pretend like there is still a relationship - textbook NPD or BPD.  Mine showed up to my place of work with some of my stuff - while still having more back at home.  My lawyer slapped a 'cease and desist' letter on her.  Took care of that.

Love the way you handled all of this on your side.  Frankly I was feeling a little down this morning until I read this.

Right on!

Rev

[Snowdog]

Painted black. I have the same experiences as everyone else does here. It's like we all dated the same BPD . I laugh but I'm in pain. I too have never experienced a love like we had. I don't think I ever will again. They DO know how to love. Initially anyway. But that does set a bar you want to find again. It's been two weeks now. Blocked everywhere. I can't stop thinking about her. A lot of it IS because I was painted black. That hurts. And some of it is because I believe I've discovered 'how to do it better next time'.

I see so much that was not compatible...yet I make excuses and believe if I go in with my eyes open it will be ok. She doesn't clean...I could just clean more. She's addicted to FB and will chose it over me at times. She's controlling. She says mean things. She needs constant contact when I'm away. Extremely jealous...even if I look the way of another woman. I have to walk on eggshells. The list goes on and I should make a hard copy like REV suggested. (I think it was REV!) Yet I still want her. I want those moments of intimacy and connection that were like no other.

I leave for out of State work for 6 months in a few weeks. I just want to talk to her one more time...

[Thanos]

Painted black. I have the same experiences as everyone else does here. It's like we all dated the same BPD . I laugh but I'm in pain. I too have never experienced a love like we had. I don't think I ever will again. They DO know how to love. Initially anyway. But that does set a bar you want to find again. It's been two weeks now. Blocked everywhere. I can't stop thinking about her. A lot of it IS because I was painted black. That hurts. And some of it is because I believe I've discovered 'how to do it better next time'.

I see so much that was not compatible...yet I make excuses and believe if I go in with my eyes open it will be ok. She doesn't clean...I could just clean more. She's addicted to FB and will chose it over me at times. She's controlling. She says mean things. She needs constant contact when I'm away. Extremely jealous...even if I look the way of another woman. I have to walk on eggshells. The list goes on and I should make a hard copy like REV suggested. (I think it was REV!) Yet I still want her. I want those moments of intimacy and connection that were like no other.

I leave for out of State work for 6 months in a few weeks. I just want to talk to her one more time...

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

Been there, done that! Like most of us have.

But in my experience you have to listen to your heart. I can imagine how it would feel like to be away for 6 months, but at the same time thinking if you should have talked to her.

End of the day, we all have to go through this cycle of events. But keep in mind, it won`t get any better and one point you will understand that.

[Thanos]

She is evil. I feel anger and sad.

I am lonely on valatines day and she just comes to my gym and with some boyfriend.

That's just sad...

[In a bad way]

She is evil. I feel anger and sad.

I am lonely on valatines day and she just comes to my gym and with some boyfriend.

That's just sad...

I agree with you, me and my ex have been messaging each other day and night for over a week. She wanted to be friends, I've been helping her with some things, it was like it was before except we were still split up.
Then today she has posted things on facebook about valentine's day and how good it is to be single without me and she is looking for someone else.Things that are an indirect  dig at me without mentioning my name but it will be obvious to everyone ( I've not heard from her today). That she is taking the p**s out of me. I was sitting here thinking "what an evil b**ch and then I saw your post.

[Thanos]

I agree with you, me and my ex have been messaging each other day and night for over a week. She wanted to be friends, I've been helping her with some things, it was like it was before except we were still split up.
Then today she has posted things on facebook about valentine's day and how good it is to be single without me and she is looking for someone else.Things that are an indirect  dig at me without mentioning my name but it will be obvious to everyone ( I've not heard from her today). That she is taking the p**s out of me. I was sitting here thinking "what an evil b**ch and then I saw your post.

Thats messed up! Yes it is evil.

I said last time i will change my schedule in gym, but foolish me today I went there at the same time as before.
And there it was, a "Act". Have seen her 4 times in last month, everytime alone. Never speaked to me, only followed around when I was there.
And now when it is valentines day, she come with some guy, who is probably her new boyfriend. She laughed her ass off, to make sure I see her having best time etc.

She knows it will make me sad. She has been doing this with all her ex boyfriends. I have seen that, so it is not a suprise.
If I didn`t know what is going on with her and why she is doing that, I would go mental. Like many before me have.

I hope she feels proud now, she "accomplished" her mission. I AM OUT!
She lost me. Even that little amount of respect is gone now, what was left of it.

[In a bad way]

Thats messed up! Yes it is evil.

I said last time i will change my schedule in gym, but foolish me today I went there at the same time as before.
And there it was, a "Act". Have seen her 4 times in last month, everytime alone. Never speaked to me, only followed around when I was there.
And now when it is valentines day, she come with some guy, who is probably her new boyfriend. She laughed her ass off, to make sure I see her having best time etc.

She knows it will make me sad. She has been doing this with all her ex boyfriends. I have seen that, so it is not a suprise.
If I didn`t know what is going on with her and why she is doing that, I would go mental. Like many before me have.

I hope she feels proud now, she "accomplished" her mission. I AM OUT!
She lost me. Even that little amount of respect is gone now, what was left of it.

It's sadistic, they are deriving pleasure out of our pain. They know what they are doing and doing it to hurt us when they know we are already hurting.

[blue6314]

I believe that Seeking Arrangement has a high percentage of women with BPD. I was a sugar daddy on the site and developed a relationship with a woman over 2 years who I now believe has BPD. While I treated her like a girlfriend--she said she wanted to marry me, we spent a lot of time together--SA is basically sex work. The stories you hear about guys paying 5k per month just to be friends are BS. I know an unattractive guy in his 50s who just pays girls 250 to go up to his hotel room for 30 min for unprotected sex, and he hardly ever gets rejected. More on him later.

My SB, well, things started hot and heavy with us like we were real bf/gf, then she cut off all contact for one month - this was about 8 months in. She kept cycling back onto the site, even though we were supposed to be exclusive. She lied and denied it, said people were impersonating her (yeah, right). As a result, I went back on and she caught me. I went on because I didn't want to feel like I was being played - wrong, I know, but I did it. She found out and said she wanted to kill herself and self-mutilated with a knife. I think she splitted on me after that.

She went back on SA and, I discovered much later, went with the above guy TWICE even though she didn't need to as I was supporting her. Previously, when I told her about the unattractive guy, she'd laugh and say only desperate whores went with him, even though she had already had sex with him! Anyway, she was revenge cheating. She had SA dates set up with other guys too. I caught her with some, but probably not all. She also dated a regular non-SA guy - so, while seeing him, she was seeing me and cheating on SA.

She also developed severe bulimia, binging and purging multiple times a day. She was an alcoholic. I also saw her dissociate during stressful times, like she was an automaton. One time when I broke up with her, she freaked out at work and her sister had to go get her.

I finally broke up with her in December and she said - don't know if I believe her - she self-isolated and would just sit there shaking. The unattractive guy said she contacted him again, but he did not follow up. (He has an active rotation of 8 girls). But she moved in with a new boyfriend in January. I was checking up on her to see if she was okay (didn't know about all her SA sex romps) and she turned on me and said never to contact her and she didn't know me anymore. She blocked me on all social media and on phone.text. I didn't contact her, but she called my wife and left incoherent messages about our "affair." In response, I told her family about her sex work and she retaliated by texting awful things to my wife.

She has never been diagnosed with BPD, so far as I know. She has no education, works as a waitress, and has no close friends.

I put up with everything because it was an "affair." I would not have tolerated this in a regular relationship. I was not getting love and affection from my wife, but wanted it, and figured this was the only way short of divorce. I didn't know she was BPD and the dynamic of intense love followed by discarding and devaluing. I did recognize selfishness, self-harming behavior, and a lack of respect. Putting it all together, I now realize just how damaged some people are. I tend to believe they are just satisfying their own needs and that we are all fungible goods to them.

I have been no angel. I was a cheater - but no longer. What is painful is how you can feel you truly love someone with BPD but find out you got used and abused, that it was a lie... don't know how this matches up with your experiences.

Anyway, back to SA, one time I scheduled a coffee date with a girl. I was in the bathroom when she arrived, and even though it was like 1 minute past our meet time, she started blowing up my phone accusing me of standing her up. Other women will just meet you and have sex after 15 minutes of sharing a drink. There are a lot of damaged people on it - it is basically sex work. They all lie and say you are the first person they ever met, or that they didn't like other guys on the site, yet the women will meet guys over twice their age and have sex with them instantly. It's a screwed up place. I was in a bad spot in life and was vulnerable and went on. No more.

[Thanos]

Thank you for sharing your story and being so honest about it!

Its good to hear that you are in better place now. I can imagine what you have been through.

Not suprised about SA being sex work. As she was selling herself over there. She had a Bio full of sickening sentences, what she can offer to a man (I have a really attractive body and face), and what she is looking from man (Man who is ambitious and who is a little "aggressive" at the same time). The list goes on, it was really disturbing!
When I was reading it, I realized she knows everything how to manipulate man to like her. She knows what to "offer" how to be the "one".
I am glad that i found it, now i know it was a LIE! That she was satisfying her own needs.

As for me, I was coming out of fog. Last few months where really hard, with all the COVID-19 etc. Was feeling better till yesterday.
I was coming home from my bike ride, happy with my day. And just before my home she was walking towards me with her dog. I just rode past her and waved, nothing else (she didn`t say nothing or waved back). I had been in zero contact from 14. feb (we didn`t talk, she just came to my gym with her "boyfriend" to just hurt my feelings).
Let me say that she has many places to go walk her dog elsewhere.

Now i feel like shet. I have been blocked since November. And now she is stalking me again. It is like from textbook, every time the same steps. 6 months from breakup, then she finds a way to get to me. Then i feel like shet, contact her, we make up thinking it`s different this time and boom I am in pieces, trying to get my life back and she just goes on with her life.

I really get it, she is mentally ill and it is so sad, it really is! But i can`t help her, I have tried so many times. I can`t be a part in this sickening life, or I will end in coffin.

I have to change my place of residence. It`s sad, but this may be only way to get her out of my life.

I believe that Seeking Arrangement has a high percentage of women with BPD. I was a sugar daddy on the site and developed a relationship with a woman over 2 years who I now believe has BPD. While I treated her like a girlfriend--she said she wanted to marry me, we spent a lot of time together--SA is basically sex work. The stories you hear about guys paying 5k per month just to be friends are BS. I know an unattractive guy in his 50s who just pays girls 250 to go up to his hotel room for 30 min for unprotected sex, and he hardly ever gets rejected. More on him later.

My SB, well, things started hot and heavy with us like we were real bf/gf, then she cut off all contact for one month - this was about 8 months in. She kept cycling back onto the site, even though we were supposed to be exclusive. She lied and denied it, said people were impersonating her (yeah, right). As a result, I went back on and she caught me. I went on because I didn't want to feel like I was being played - wrong, I know, but I did it. She found out and said she wanted to kill herself and self-mutilated with a knife. I think she splitted on me after that.

She went back on SA and, I discovered much later, went with the above guy TWICE even though she didn't need to as I was supporting her. Previously, when I told her about the unattractive guy, she'd laugh and say only desperate whores went with him, even though she had already had sex with him! Anyway, she was revenge cheating. She had SA dates set up with other guys too. I caught her with some, but probably not all. She also dated a regular non-SA guy - so, while seeing him, she was seeing me and cheating on SA.

She also developed severe bulimia, binging and purging multiple times a day. She was an alcoholic. I also saw her dissociate during stressful times, like she was an automaton. One time when I broke up with her, she freaked out at work and her sister had to go get her.

I finally broke up with her in December and she said - don't know if I believe her - she self-isolated and would just sit there shaking. The unattractive guy said she contacted him again, but he did not follow up. (He has an active rotation of 8 girls). But she moved in with a new boyfriend in January. I was checking up on her to see if she was okay (didn't know about all her SA sex romps) and she turned on me and said never to contact her and she didn't know me anymore. She blocked me on all social media and on phone.text. I didn't contact her, but she called my wife and left incoherent messages about our "affair." In response, I told her family about her sex work and she retaliated by texting awful things to my wife.

She has never been diagnosed with BPD, so far as I know. She has no education, works as a waitress, and has no close friends.

I put up with everything because it was an "affair." I would not have tolerated this in a regular relationship. I was not getting love and affection from my wife, but wanted it, and figured this was the only way short of divorce. I didn't know she was BPD and the dynamic of intense love followed by discarding and devaluing. I did recognize selfishness, self-harming behavior, and a lack of respect. Putting it all together, I now realize just how damaged some people are. I tend to believe they are just satisfying their own needs and that we are all fungible goods to them.

I have been no angel. I was a cheater - but no longer. What is painful is how you can feel you truly love someone with BPD but find out you got used and abused, that it was a lie... don't know how this matches up with your experiences.

Anyway, back to SA, one time I scheduled a coffee date with a girl. I was in the bathroom when she arrived, and even though it was like 1 minute past our meet time, she started blowing up my phone accusing me of standing her up. Other women will just meet you and have sex after 15 minutes of sharing a drink. There are a lot of damaged people on it - it is basically sex work. They all lie and say you are the first person they ever met, or that they didn't like other guys on the site, yet the women will meet guys over twice their age and have sex with them instantly. It's a screwed up place. I was in a bad spot in life and was vulnerable and went on. No more.