Thank you so much to both of you.
Yes, I needed reassurance more than anything else. People that don't understand mental illness act like I'm facing a teenage breakup. It was getting very frustrating.
Rev, you hit the nail on the head with the projection to cover his lies and deceit. He did that through our divorce 3 and a half years ago and he is doing it again now. Even though it hurts, I do understand what/why he's doing it and I try not to take it too personally.
I am very fortunate that I've been protecting myself and separating him from his behavior for most of 2019. I tried counseling briefly about 8 months ago, but by the third session, the counselor asked me to talk about my relationship with my ex husband and I simply didn't want to. I'd been talking about HIM for so long and so many counseling sessions before. At the time of the counseling, he and I were separated due to my wish to work on myself and I wanted to leave the responsibility of his treatment up to him. I told him that and we went several weeks without talking and we both made progress in the time apart.
The shock of him leaving so abruptly after we both made great progress for a year really knocked me down a few pegs and at times it felt like I've forgotten everything I've learned about his illnesses, addiction, BPD, PTSD... It just went straight to my heart, and though my head was telling me the right things, my heart just wanted to hold him.
Katy, there truly is no worse feeling than children are involved and you are left out in the cold and replaced like you meant nothing. Oh do I understand that hurt. The truth of the matter is...you are probably/were too good for him and he knows it. This is the problem with the disorder. They know you are awesome. They know you are wonderful, but its like there is a demon inside that rewires their brain into telling them to go the opposite way a la Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).
This is exactly it. My kids' pain is what is truly driving my pain. And I do believe HE believes we are too good for him. He told me that three months ago, life with us was "too good to be true". We have a stable, loving home, my kids are respectful, faithful, loving, caring, forgiving kids and we do our best to live out our faith. I have never been a drinker or smoker, the only time I've touched a drug was once with him, first and last time! And he knows I'm a strong woman and good mom. One thing that drives him crazy is my faith. The biggest compliment he ever gave me, which was meant to be an insult, was "You just expect God to take care of everything!" And he's right. It's something he seeks but can't seem to find. My calmness drives him mad and he responds most to the times I do lose my cool. He likes those times because it makes him feel better about himself.
I've told my kids that he loves them so much that he wants to protect them from bad guys, the only problem is that in his head, he's the bad guy.
