New Here and Ready to Retake my Life

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello. I'm new here (have been lurking for a few weeks) and thought I ought to introduce myself.     I'm 44 years old with a mother with BPD and bipolar disorder.  She was diagnosed as 'manic-depressive' when I was 2.  Her psychiatrist diagnosed BPD when I was away at college, about 23 years ago.

My primary coping strategy was to move far away from home and return for only short visits.  But about 3 months ago, my mom moved to my town, and into a retirement/assisted living place.  My H and I encouraged the move, because she was living alone, in very poor health, with no family (my 2 sibs moved away and my dad divorced her long ago), no friends and only a shady neighbor helping her out. 

I seriously misjudged what her living near me would be like. I feel like I ruined my life.  All the crap from my dysfunctional childhood has boiled to the surface. I feel like I'm drowning in an emotional tsunami, and realize I have no actual coping skills. I feel like a 10 year old child again, just trying to survive.  My gut reaction is to sell my house, find a new job and move far far away...  But that isn't realistic.  I love my job, house and town!

So I've gotten into therapy (just 2 weeks ago) and have decided I need to stop trying to fix her, and instead fix me. This is a huge paradigm shift for me. I've internalized this idea that when I can make her feel better, then I can feel okay.  But I can never do enough to make her better.  And I'm not okay.  I'm depressed and anxious and physically sick.  So I'm here, trying to figure out how to uncouple my emotions from my mom's existence, and live my own life.  I feel like there are two components to this - one mechanical (what to say and do and not do with her) and one emotional (how to think in a healthier way).

I feel sad and angry that I'm just now starting to realize how much being raised by a BPD mother messed me up, and how unhealthy my relationship with her is.  I also feel terribly sad for her, and get confused by my feelings of guilt and obligation. But I'm hopeful. 

Tonight she sent me a long text, talking about how she is suffering due to some medication changes.  When she texts or calls me, I get an immediate physical response, feel dread and get shaky.  So I tried something new.  I didn't respond right away.  I sat down and took deep breaths, then went to my workout corner and moved around a bit to get my heart rate up to work out the anxiety.  After I calmed down some, I sent a short message back trying to use SET.  It's not an intuitive way for me to communicate, (maybe it gets easier with practice?). I ignored most of what she said (I usually try to correct her misperceptions, or offer to "help") and I tried to validate her feeling of suffering and encouraged her to go see her Dr tomorrow.  I then tried to accept in my own mind that she is feeling suffering tonight, It sucks, but I can't change it, except to offer a wee bit of support.  I feel calm - which is awesome because typically I'd ruminate on her problems and be worked up for a hours after a 'text-bomb.'

So, yes feeling hopeful. But oddly nervous at the same time, like maybe I'll make her worse.  Man, this stuff is hard!

[Mata]

Hello. I'm new here (have been lurking for a few weeks) and thought I ought to introduce myself.     I'm 44 years old with a mother with BPD and bipolar disorder.  She was diagnosed as 'manic-depressive' when I was 2.  Her psychiatrist diagnosed BPD when I was away at college, about 23 years ago.

My primary coping strategy was to move far away from home and return for only short visits.  But about 3 months ago, my mom moved to my town, and into a retirement/assisted living place.  My H and I encouraged the move, because she was living alone, in very poor health, with no family (my 2 sibs moved away and my dad divorced her long ago), no friends and only a shady neighbor helping her out. 

I seriously misjudged what her living near me would be like. I feel like I ruined my life.  All the crap from my dysfunctional childhood has boiled to the surface. I feel like I'm drowning in an emotional tsunami, and realize I have no actual coping skills. I feel like a 10 year old child again, just trying to survive.  My gut reaction is to sell my house, find a new job and move far far away...  But that isn't realistic.  I love my job, house and town!

So I've gotten into therapy (just 2 weeks ago) and have decided I need to stop trying to fix her, and instead fix me. This is a huge paradigm shift for me. I've internalized this idea that when I can make her feel better, then I can feel okay.  But I can never do enough to make her better.  And I'm not okay.  I'm depressed and anxious and physically sick.  So I'm here, trying to figure out how to uncouple my emotions from my mom's existence, and live my own life.  I feel like there are two components to this - one mechanical (what to say and do and not do with her) and one emotional (how to think in a healthier way).

I feel sad and angry that I'm just now starting to realize how much being raised by a BPD mother messed me up, and how unhealthy my relationship with her is.  I also feel terribly sad for her, and get confused by my feelings of guilt and obligation. But I'm hopeful. 

Tonight she sent me a long text, talking about how she is suffering due to some medication changes.  When she texts or calls me, I get an immediate physical response, feel dread and get shaky.  So I tried something new.  I didn't respond right away.  I sat down and took deep breaths, then went to my workout corner and moved around a bit to get my heart rate up to work out the anxiety.  After I calmed down some, I sent a short message back trying to use SET.  It's not an intuitive way for me to communicate, (maybe it gets easier with practice?). I ignored most of what she said (I usually try to correct her misperceptions, or offer to "help") and I tried to validate her feeling of suffering and encouraged her to go see her Dr tomorrow.  I then tried to accept in my own mind that she is feeling suffering tonight, It sucks, but I can't change it, except to offer a wee bit of support.  I feel calm - which is awesome because typically I'd ruminate on her problems and be worked up for a hours after a 'text-bomb.'

So, yes feeling hopeful. But oddly nervous at the same time, like maybe I'll make her worse.  Man, this stuff is hard!

[Methuen]

Hello Mata

Welcome, and it's good to have another voice join us.

My gut reaction is to sell my house, find a new job and move far far away...  But that isn't realistic.  I love my job, house and town!

  This was me six months ago

I feel like there are two components to this - one mechanical (what to say and do and not do with her) and one emotional (how to think in a healthier way).

Bingo!  From my experience in the last six months, and although the two kind of go hand in hand, I feel that for me the first one is the easiest, and brings results from the onset, but the second one is the kicker and is going to be a longer run.  What I'm finding is that as I peel away the layers, I'm starting to question some things, and feel some things that I could not have anticipated.  But I'm putting faith in the gurus on this board, as well as life observation, that it is worth it in the end, to sort this "stuff" out now.

 

just now starting to realize how much being raised by a BPD mother messed me up, and how unhealthy my relationship with her is

I know right?  I used to think I was reasonably put together, but this humpty dumpty kind of fell off the wall last summer, which honestly came as a bit of a surprise.  Kind of working on gluing my pieces back together again.

So I tried something new.  I didn't respond right away.  I sat down and took deep breaths, then went to my workout corner and moved around a bit to get my heart rate up to work out the anxiety.  After I calmed down some, I sent a short message back trying to use SET.  It's not an intuitive way for me to communicate, (maybe it gets easier with practice?). I ignored most of what she said (I usually try to correct her misperceptions, or offer to "help") and I tried to validate her feeling of suffering and encouraged her to go see her Dr tomorrow.  I then tried to accept in my own mind that she is feeling suffering tonight, It sucks, but I can't change it,

Holy smokes friend, you're doing so great .  You will get to a better place because you're already putting the effort in. It takes time, but for me it's been worth it, because I'm now more peaceful in my daily life, and when BPD mom does trigger me, my reactions aren't as strong, and I recover more quickly.
I had a little trigger last night, and got over it in about 45 min  My H and T both tell me I'm in a better place to manage her next full-on rage.  It's not about our BPD changing, it's about us changing how we respond to them right?  

I feel calm - which is awesome because typically I'd ruminate on her problems and be worked up for a hours after a 'text-bomb.'

 You described some great working strategies here! You don't sound like a newbie at all.  That is so amazing. There's going to be bumps in the road, but as long as we keep moving slowly forward, we can feel good about that right?  I hope you find all the great resources on this board, and feel the support of so many good people the way I have.  It's really been helpful.

But oddly nervous at the same time, like maybe I'll make her worse.

So this actually made me laugh! Oh my gosh.  Laughing because I can relate, but when I hear you say it, it sounds funnier than when I feel it myself... I still sometimes push that feeling aside because I think it takes a long time to unlearn those unhealthy thought patterns.  Think of it this way instead:  You're not gonna make her worse.  You're going to make yourself better!    

[Person2]

Hi!

I’m new too (and I also posted for the first time today). I REALLY relate to your post. I feel that we are at a similar stage of life, though our circumstances are somewhat different as I’m not planning, at this point, to involve myself in my mother’s aging process.

You are obviously an extremely kind, loving person and I feel that I can learn a lot from your approach to your situation. Thanks for sharing!

[Mata]

I used to think I was reasonably put together, but this humpty dumpty kind of fell off the wall last summer, which honestly came as a bit of a surprise.  Kind of working on gluing my pieces back together again.

This so accurately describes how I feel!  I thought I was a well-adjusted, healthy person...right up until we loaded her uhaul...and at that moment is when I fell off my wall.   

It takes time, but for me it's been worth it, because I'm now more peaceful in my daily life, and when BPD mom does trigger me, my reactions aren't as strong, and I recover more quickly.

This is what my goal is!  Thanks for your encouragement!

[Mata]

Hi!
You are obviously an extremely kind, loving person and I feel that I can learn a lot from your approach to your situation. Thanks for sharing!

Thank you, that is kind of you to say.  It is interesting to me how many people here seem to be around the same age/place in life, and are just coming to terms with a BPD parent.  It's been really nice to know I am not alone!