AlphaOmega
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating/Partially Living together
Posts: 1
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« on: January 23, 2020, 01:58:25 AM » |
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Hi. I’ve never used anything like this before, so I do apologize if my etiquette is a bit off. I don’t have questions, or maybe I don’t know what to ask. I’ve never talked to anyone about this before in order to protect my girlfriend because I know that people don’t understand that her actions aren’t intentional. In order to get a clear picture I’ll have to start from the beginning.
We met towards the end of my senior year of highschool. We’re both 21 now. Technically we’d been going to school together since 7th grade but I never spoke to her until then. What started out as a summer fling before we both went to college blossomed into a full blown relationship after a few months of involvement. She stayed in our home town and I went to college about 4 hours away. Since I was so close we figured that long distance wouldn’t be impossible, and almost 3 years down the road we are still together. It started subtly. We were never really a couple that fought a lot, although we’d playfully bicker from time to time because it’s just in our personalities. During my first winter break home from school is when I started to notice something different about the relationship. For some reason we were beginning to fight a lot more. It struck me as odd because we never had a bad history and nothing had happened to challenge the strength of the relationship. I figured it was just a rough patch as some relationships have, and tried my best to work through it in the best way I could. The fights were never about anything worth fighting over. The slightest error by me would irritate her far more than what would seem reasonable and there was no course of correction. Once I had ticked her off she was in a bad mood for the rest of the day, and would snap and act extremely cold and distant towards me. She told me that she had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I always assumed that’s what it was. Very early on I grew thick skin and never took anything she said personally. In an effort to try and be more supportive and understanding I did research on dating someone with BP and that’s when I started to realize this was something more. Her symptoms seemed similar but from everything I read BP didnt seem to be the cause. I’m not a health professional so I shrugged it off as false information and moved forward accepting that diagnosis. The fighting never really ceased but I started to get better at avoiding them, at least for awhile. Our sex life started to diminish too but I won’t go into detail as I’m not sure what the rules are here. Things really started to get bad my sophomore year. I had began a routine of calling her every night while I was in school. Some nights when I wouldn’t call her until what she deemed as “too late” i.e. 8pm or so, it would start a fight. The only way to avoid upsetting her was calling and remaining on the phone for at least 3 or so hours. If I fell asleep too early it caused an issue. We fought a lot during that time. She threatened to leave me many times, but always came back after I pleaded. It was hard on me. I know I’m not a perfect person, but I love her dearly, and during this entire ordeal I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. The way she was acting wasn’t what was described in the symptoms of bipolar disorder, and she made it very clear that I was the one causing the issue. I begged and pleaded with her to help me understand what I was doing wrong. She always refused and told me she shouldn’t have to hold my hand. I just began apologizing for everything and anything. I don’t even bother trying to win arguments. I don’t argue. I always concede immediately and it’s never good enough for her. She keeps fighting and pushing and getting angry while I try my best to defuse the situation. We moved in together during winter break my sophomore year, and I now live with her when I’m not in school. This year is my junior year, and things are arguably the worst they’ve ever been. I went through an extremely rough year in 2019 with my mental health and life events. None of it was because of her, but juggling everything and trying to remain healthy in my relationship has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Due to some mental health issues as well as a head injury I missed out on playing my junior year of soccer and it took a very big toll on me. Just after finding out I couldn’t play, my girlfriend had a severe leg injury that rendered her bedridden for about 3 months. During that time I drove out every weekend to see her and take care of her. I missed entire weeks of school to stay with her longer. I got her food and groceries, I cleaned the house for her, and I sat in bed with her for hours upon hours of the real housewives in an attempt to support her through the ordeal. In October of last year I had what I can only describe as a manic episode that lasted almost the entire month. One day I woke up and decided I just couldn’t do it anymore and left school to go back home with my girlfriend full time. I didn’t attend one class that semester. Well, her temper got worse during that time. She’d constantly tell me that I wasn’t taking care of her well enough. I think she understood just how much I was going through to help her and was worried I was going to leave. When she’d get angry she’d kick me out of the house. Her family owns the house so there’s no lease. We just pay utilities every month and that’s it. Because of this I always had to leave when she told me to. She threatened to call the police and accused me of trespassing. I had no other choice but to go. It started out with me just going and sitting in my car for a few hours and waiting for her to calm down. Eventually it worked up to me sleeping in my car outside some nights, including the night before my birthday. I’m not one to burden other people so I never went anywhere when she made me leave. I also didn’t want to explain that she kicked me out because when I went back they’d never understand. The worst night was a few weeks before Christmas. I had just recently crashed my car and was kicked out only this time I didn’t have my keys. I asked and pleaded with her to give them to me so I could have some shelter for the night but she refused. I spent the night homeless sleeping behind a public pool house. After that I had been kicked out plenty more times but never overnight. She’d get even angrier when she made me leave, sometimes with physical outbursts. She has spit in my face and punched me multiple times. I’m a pretty big guy, so it was never really damaging, but I was really beginning to get concerned. I began questioning myself. I had to be a horrible person to make her feel that way. I started telling myself I deserved what was happening to me. I was only experiencing this treatment because I was doing something wrong. I stopped taking my anti depressants because I had been kicked out so often I didn’t have access to them regularly enough. I tried to kill myself in December. No one knows about it, and I’ve since then recovered immensely and I’m no longer in that place anymore. I made it back to school this semester, and I’m still with her. The last 3 weeks have been better. She’s been exercising, working, and eating healthy. Not to say that it’s been perfect. Still some fighting, but it seems that last month was the peak and it’s now mellowing out.
After reading that I know it must seem idiotic for me to keep putting myself in this situation and that I should leave, but now let me explain why I’m still with her.
Basically, I love her. Despite everything above, and even more that I had to skip over for sake of time, she’s the love of my life. She’s not constantly like this, and when she’s being herself she’s a wonderful, loving, sweet partner. We have a cat that we both absolutely adore, and spend time together constantly. I think that knowing the way she acts is out of her control is the only reason I’ve been strong enough to make it this long. I hate to say it but leaving her would make my life so much easier and I might be better off in numerous ways, but that’s not what I want. She’s such an incredible person despite her condition that I feel like she deserves someone to love her the way I do. There’s very few, if any, people who would still be with her after everything. I love her enough to tolerate being treated this way. I’m a strong enough person to put my emotions aside and shrug things off. Some days are harder than others. Some days I get frustrated and argue back and make things worse, but the stronger I get the less this happens. Today on the phone with her she said that her father had spoken to a friend of his who works in psychiatry and that he thinks her symptoms fit borderline personality disorder. She doesn’t believe that’s what she has and is still firm on bipolar disorder, but when I looked BPD I knew immediately. I began to cry just reading through the description of the illness. Years of self deprivation have been lifted off my shoulders. I realize now that it isn’t my fault. I had no issue typing this out but the minute the phrase “isn’t my fault” popped into my head I began tearing up. I just hope one day I can try and get her help. I’m afraid if I come to her now and try to talk about it she’ll feel attacked. She’s the love of my life and I’m almost certain I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I read that BPD spikes in early adulthood but can get better over time, and that’s what’s currently giving me hope. I’m not sure why I decided to write this out. I’ve never told anyone any of this. I’ve been handling it on my own for the last 3 years. I just wanted to see if there’s someone out there that maybe knows what I feel like even a little bit.
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