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Author Topic: Adult son won't get treatment, am at wit's end  (Read 766 times)
Loveson

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 16


« on: January 24, 2020, 11:33:40 AM »

Hello, I'm  new here and would greatly appreciate feedback.

My 35 year old son moved back home 2 months ago, which have been very rocky. He doesn't see himself as a Borderline and is doing nothing to help himself with depression, anxiety, fighting with us, extremely low self-esteem, no friends.

I've read that it's not good to insist upon treatment, but it seems like nothing is happening.

Am tired of him staying up all hours, sleeping during the day, being so touchy I can't say a word without him saying "I can't do anything right", crying.

I try very hard to be only supportive. I'm partway through the video on this site by Dr. Amador, so possibly I'll learn more through him.

Thank you!  I feel so alone and so tired.

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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
wendydarling
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Relationship status: Mother
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« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2020, 01:15:36 PM »

Hello Loveson  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Welcome back, I remember your DS was living independently, though relying on you financially and you found out he was using heroin.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) I'm sorry to hear DS won't get treatment. Yet! We are forever hopeful.

Loveson I recommend after you finish his video you read I am Not Sick | Xavier Amador, PhD. I only read it late last year trying to understand why some of our children do not embrace helping themselves, it was both enlightening and truly touching Xavier's personal relationship with his brother, how he got on the same page. I learnt a lot.

I'm wondering what led to your DS's return and if he's off drugs?

It can be a wiggly road to a better place, a change of approach.

Hang in there, we've got you!

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Loveson

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 16


« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2020, 03:35:06 PM »

Thank you Wendy! I had completely forgotten that I'd posted before.

He is off of heroin, after I cut him off financially. Of course a rocky couple of years after that, but has stayed clean. Now he smokes weed and some alcohol, so that's an improvement.

He was planning to move to Texas with his band, whom he lived with for the prior 2 years, but at the last minute the other guys bailed out, saying it "wouldn't work out" - not surprising to me, as my son has so much trouble with relationships.  So he had nowhere to go.

I'm shocked at how difficult life is for him - since I hadn't been around him physically for 13 years while he lived in other states, I had no idea how much he suffers. It was heartbreaking at first to watch.

I have the book you mentioned, having ordered it years before.  Thanks for the reminder.

Basically I need to consciously be more of a listener and try to build a working relationship with him, so that he feels safe - I'm figuring that actual steps towards improving his life may have to wait until I can get him to trust me more. I've always been supportive, but it was always over the phone - omg, a whole different world from when he starts a fight at 10 pm when I have to get up and go to work!

I have a therapist, but can't see her until April because I'm working long, long hours until then. When he first moved home it was one of the first things I did Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you so  much for replying - I feel better knowing that there are people who understand.

At this point, I feel like I can't even bring up the subject of him getting a job (he's been fired from every one he's ever had) or therapy without a huge blowup, so I'm going to read the book and take it slow.

  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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FaithHopeLove
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Relationship status: Shaky
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« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2020, 04:07:10 PM »

Hello Lovesome. I join the others in welcoming you back. As your name suggests you really do love your son. It is important that you love yourself too. I am glad to hear you have plans to see a therapist. What else do you think you can do in the way of self care and personal boundaries so this whole situation of having your son live with you might be less overwhelming for you?
 
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radioguitarguy
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Relationship status: Happily Married For 37 Years
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« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2020, 04:13:40 PM »

Wow, Wow, Wow! Can I relate to that! Our 35-year-old son is also a recovering heroin addict and has been sober now going on three years. He also hasn't been able to hold on to any job he's worked since he was 16, and it's always because he doesn't do the job well enough which he doesn't seem to understand.

Thank God he does not live with us. He's a singer/songwriter and a frontman in a rock n' roll band and does some solo gigs as well. He writes all of the band's tunes and they really are very very good but he never writes down any chords or lyrics to any of his songs. He's able to memorize everything instantaneously even the cover songs so he's able to play three hours of music and never forget a lyric! BUT if something unexpected happens that's stressful that's part of life like maybe a flat tire, he will call me sobbing saying "I don't know what to do! Tell me what to do!" In case you haven't noticed, there's some debilitating anxiety at work here as well.

He does buy into his BPD and has been working with a therapist for a couple of years now. I have chosen to financially subsidize his music career. I was in that same musician type situation for 8 years back in the '70s, but I worked part-time to help make ends meet. I'm convinced he's alive because he lives for writing and playing music.

This is my greatest fear. In the next 3 to 5 years, my wife and I are going to retire. When that happens I've already informed him that I won't be able to financially support him anymore. That pretty much scares the livin' daylights out of him. Just thinking of that happening, fills me up with anxiety. I really don't know how he will survive. We are in the beginning stages, with the help of his therapist, of implementing some strategies to help him deal with the typical stresses of everyday life.

My apologies for making my reply all about me. 
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Loveson

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« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2020, 03:56:16 PM »

What an incredible coincidence! Or maybe not - BPD's are highly creative I've read, and most are also quite intelligent.

My son is also a musician whom I've helped financially for many years, thinking it would "come together" someday, but now my husband and I are a couple of years away from retiring also. My son has told me that the only thing that keeps him sane is music, but now that he's moved home he can't play (too loud) - he could get a practice space, but I want him to get a part time job to pay for it. It's a catch-22, because he says that emotionally he's not ready to work. Too many triggers at home from the past, he says.

It's so good that your son recognizes that he can get better! To me, that's huge.

How did it come about that he agreed to treatment? That's where things are not evolving right now. I also can't seem to find a therapist who knows about BPD - and it would be nice to find one who specializes in it and DBT therapy.  Any tips on finding a therapist who knows what they're doing? It doesn't help a whole lot that my son is on Medicaid - I'll probably have to pay for a therapist if he will go.

All the books I read say that with the right treatment they can get better - and that there's a 50% remission rate after 2 years of therapy, 80% after 10 years.

Amazing that these sons are so capable musically, but struggle so much in the rest of their lives. At least your son can keep gigs and not get fired. Mine was fired from an international tour, and his band broke up with him.

I wish I could find success stories somewhere!  Maybe I'm missing them on this site?

Thank you for your reply! I don't feel as alone about this!
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Lollypop
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« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2020, 05:07:04 AM »

Hi Loveson

Excerpt
At this point, I feel like I can't even bring up the subject of him getting a job (he's been fired from every one he's ever had) or therapy without a huge blowup,

Oh boy, I know that feeling. It's hard to untangle the mess of emotions going on for both them and us.

You're doing brilliantly by reading as much as you can. Information will give you better understanding and power. You can change this scenario. I found things got better once I understood my priorities and, like you it seems, it was to improve my relationship with my adult son. He had to feel safe first to nurture trust. This gave us a firm footing for all the other "life" stuff.

I just wanted you to know you're not on your own.

LP
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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
livednlearned
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« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2020, 09:08:47 AM »

Hello Loveson  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

There are positive stories on this site that might lift your spirits and give you hope. On this board, there is Good News, Breakthroughs, and Tiny Little Changes.

And on Bettering Relationships there is Success Stories.

The late Dr. John Gunderson also published a compilation of essays written by BPD sufferers in recovery called Beyond Borderline: True Stories of Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder

I can't emphasize enough how important it is to take care of yourself and not get pulled down by the undertow as much as possible. I have three adult step kids and one biological child, 3 out of 4 of them are neurodiverse (one is BPD, two are on the spectrum).

The silver lining of all this is learning to care for my own garden while they figure themselves out. More of a "watch me" as opposed to a "do this," if that makes sense.

One of the books that helped me create a verbal boundary that straddled both acceptance and change was "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better." Especially the part about asking validating questions.

Metaphorically, asking validating questions allowed me to stay in my garden while being curious about what was going on outside. And if I had to do something to keep things growing and healthy in my garden, that came first. Then, if asked, I could offer some thoughts on what was going on over there.

Being in therapy for yourself is a wonderful way to get him to consider treatment  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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