First post - living at BPD mother's again in my 40s...

[SarahUK]

Hello, and thanks for this wonderful site, which I discovered and joined only yesterday.

I'll summarise this as briefly as I can. I'm 46, and my mother has always been BPD (my interpretation, not a formal diagnosis or something that's acknowledged by anyone except me and one or two enlightened relatives I can discuss it with). She has waif/queen elements, and some hermit tendencies as she gets older, and occasional severe witch outbursts (but the potential for them is constant). It's only in the last few years I have come to understand her in this way, despite years of therapy and reading on my part.

I also suffered sexual abuse in childhood from an extended family member.

Currently, because of a mixture of factors - income / housing market, health issues - I'm back living medium term at my mum's. It's a long story about exactly why this has happened but trust me it has been a last resort and I am looking hard for other options I could afford while I'm not well! On one level, it's good of her to let me be here, and I do pay her a decent amount to cover bills, and she is definitely trying hard to be her better self, but of course with BPD in the mix it can be very difficult. Straightforward sharing and mutual recognition are of course a pipe-dream. And the requirement with my mum is that we pretend the BPD isn't there, she's not unreasonable, black is white, etc. She also has elements of OCD and (I'm learning) OCPD, minus the workaholism (she finds things that require her to make a strong effort to be a personal affront!). I'm living out of a couple of suitcases because all the cupboards in this four-bedroom house are full of her things. My food supplies are in a towering pile on a work surface in the utility room because they mustn't intrude further than that. And so on.

I'm back to walking that tightrope between invisibility and persecution again, and in fact I guess I never really stopped doing that in my head, so, looking at this positively, perhaps this can be a catalyst for me to heal from this more fully?

So that wasn't very brief after all! Thanks so much for listening and for providing this supportive space for me to turn to.

[zachira]

I am sorry to hear that you have had to move back in with your mother with BPD. I too had to live with my mother with BPD for a few months while in my 40s. Unfortunate circumstances can sometimes happen to anyone. You are on the right track thinking about how you are going to spend this time to heal and make the best of things, while looking at the end goal of being on your own again. I would say that the key is to set boundaries with your mother, not expect her to change, and tell her as little about yourself as possible. When I lived with my mother with BPD, she got very upset if I talked about myself or if I asked her questions about herself. It seems that having a regular conversation with her whether about me or her, was threatening because it implied that I was a separate person from her, and I would abandon her. I would say to stay as present as you can while noticing your feelings, and share the feelings in a safe place like on this site. You are welcome to post as often as you feel the need to be heard and supported. There is no limit on the length of posts. What are some of the boundaries you think you might want to have with your mother?

[SarahUK]

Thanks for your lovely and wise reply, Zachira. I guess I'm not the only one to find herself in this situation, but then again I'm sorry you went through it too! Do you now have a settled base of your own? And is your mother still around / in your life?

What you say about your experience with your own mother rings bells, although my mum's touchiness shows up in slightly different ways. Sometimes she objects to hearing too much about me, but then sometimes accuses me of being secretive or unfriendly if I don't tell her 'enough'! Then again, she has a great capacity to smile and say superficially nice things when I tell her what's going on for me (the sort of things you'd say to someone you know a little bit if you met them in the street) and then carry on as if it's all just a story on the TV that she doesn't have to take too much notice of. She would bristle at that description, but that's because she filters everything through the assumption (invisible to herself) that other people's stuff is never quite as important as her stuff.

But as you say, it's a question of me being present with the feelings and not reacting overmuch to all the moving goalposts. I think the challenge for me here is of having a sense of self-worth - if I can hold on to one in this situation, that's quite something! So I need to be constantly running my own definitions of who I am and what I'm worth. I do need to set boundaries as well, but it's probably a case of emotional boundaries like those, as an antidote to the boundaries / barriers she is constantly putting up against me being at home here, or acting like I count, or being emotionally close.

It really helps to type all this out and feel someone is listening. Thank you.

[zachira]

My mother died this summer and it has been many years since I moved out of her home after living there for a few months while looking for a job. You are wise in understanding who your mother is, what kind of behaviors you can expect from her, and that how you are affected emotionally by her perhaps being the biggest challenge. While my mother was alive even though I was no longer living with her, I had to constantly work on not being too emotionally overwhelmed by how she treated me. Probably the most important boundary for you will be to create as much personal space for yourself as you can while surrounding yourself with people that value you for who you are, and not be around your mother as much as possible, so you are not as easily bothered by her moods, which is challenging. We are naturally affected by other people's emotions, and it takes a strong inner core to not take on the feelings of someone who is inappropriately emotional and blaming uncomfortable feelings on others. What are some of the activities, places, and people you enjoy that will help you to be out of the house more and will support your self esteem? I admire your courage and how you are approaching the difficult situation you are in right now. You are taking action, being realistic, and reaching out. We care so please keep us posted on how you are doing, no matter how things are going.

[SarahUK]

Many thanks again, Zachira. Your reply is full of kindness and good sense.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. That's never easy, even when the relationship with the person wasn't easy either.

Thanks too for the positive feedback. Yes, it's mainly about what is going on in my head and heart - thankfully, my mother doesn't generally do things that create physical risks (with the occasional notable exception!).

There are several activities I can take part in - arts events and some spiritual things. Cinema with friends. Etc! It's partly a question of finding the time, money and energy around work and health issues. And also about approaching activities in a way where I'm not just carting around this internalised idea that I need to 'catch up' and prove my worth, which is just taking the problem with me, and no doubt complicating my health problems, and limiting my friendships and relationships.

I'm addressing all of this moment by moment and it feels like possibilities are already opening up. And yesterday I turned down an invitation from a friend who is also quite unstable, possibly also BPD. He's one of the last unstable friends I have still been having contact with in recent years. I said no because even though I have some fun times in the groups he gathers around him, he also says quite hurtful things to me now and again when he's triggered, and I don't want to be around that or even the risk of that right now. Time for things to change! I'm also going to an event tonight and a friend is giving me a lift - he is very kind and well-meaning but also someone I need to set boundaries with, as he's a bit inclined to be nosy and to 'organise' others. So that's another good challenge to rise to, or to learn from if it turns out to be difficult.

 

[zachira]

You are doing what the wisest people do, learning from a very challenging situation and doing everything you can to bolster your self esteem. I too have struggled with feeling I have to catch up and find my self worth. One thing that has helped me is to realize that I am a survivor, that most people would not have fought as hard as I have to find their self worth and instead would have given up. I have had many health issues, both physical and mental, throughout my life in addition to being quite immature compared to most people. I have spent most of my life looking for self affirming experiences and finally have reached the point where I feel I no longer have to apologize for my past. With your willingness to be present, to observe what is going on with the people around you and how that affects you, you too will get to the point, where you will feel comfortable being who you are most of the time, and will give yourself a well deserved pat on the back for how you are facing all that is happening to you. It takes great courage to not be a victim, to not blame other people and circumstances for how we are feeling, and to look at what we can do to make a better life for ourselves and others.
You are wisely examining your friendships, and what kind of people you want to be around and what boundaries to set with them. I am sure there are many people who admire your courage and perhaps you have not chosen to open up to them because of fears of what they might think. I have found that the most successful happy people have often overcome terrible tragedy and trying circumstances in their own lives, and are often the most compassionate in understanding about other people's pain and challenges. I often talk to those people nobody pays attention to, like people in wheel chairs, and have found their company far more rewarding that being with more able bodied people.
You are keeping your head up in the most difficult of circumstances. What do you feel you need the most help with right now?

[SarahUK]

Thank you, Zachira, for sharing your own experiences so generously. I am very glad you have reached the point where you are so much more sure of yourself and not dependent on others' opinions for your sense of self and your happiness. That's a long road to have travelled.

I find it interesting to compare 'victim mode' with self-validating mode. I've tended towards victimhood in my lifetime because of a lack of validation - validation of past suffering, but also just of my experience of reality in general! That validation isn't available from a pwBPD, of course, and having a mother who doesn't acknowledge your separate personhood and your take on reality is really tough. The thing for me to do, as we have been discussing, is to take care of the (totally legitimate) need for validation myself.

I admire you for taking the creative and empathic approach in company of talking to people who are often overlooked. It's a great ability to be able to see past off-the-peg judgements of people's worth to their genuine qualities.

I can't name anything specific I need help with right now, other than to feel supported, which being part of this forum is already talking care of, to be honest!  Thanks again, Zachira.

[SarahUK]

I wanted to add that now that I've had support on here and started seeing things more clearly, my feelings of being trapped and having a 'wasted' or 'impossible' life have eased up a LOT.

And my behaviour towards my mum has changed and it's really eased the dynamic. I'm absolutely not going to assume that all problems are now solved, but my mum has responded well to me privately providing my own validation. She seems relieved, as if she's being seen and accommodated. Well, she is, because I'm accepting the reality of how she is. I'm not constantly operating like she should really be someone she's not. I have some empathy for her again because I'm not hurting so much, which is because I'm being seen and accommodated too - also by me!  ;-) And even a little by my mum, when she can.

This improvement leaves me in a better position to improve my health and earn more and eventually move on.