Decided to move on, am I doing the right thing?

[Nongler4545]

So I have been mulling this for a few weeks and I’ve decided to detach from my bpd ex, I’m writing this with a lump in my throat as it’s so upsetting but I have to take back my power and love myself.
My bpd ex and myself have been split for 9 months and it’s been push pull ever since, sleeping together, falling out etc but at the moment we are on great terms, however she is also sleeping with a lot of guys and not great ones at that, mixture of ex’s and tinder special cases!
I’m losing so much respect for her that I have to detach before I start hating her.
I’ve written a letter explaining why I am moving on and I’m planning to hand this to her as well as telling her to her face, is this the right thing to do? Or will she not even register what I’m doing?
I love her to bits but right now she isn’t healthy and I can’t be her comfort blanket anymore.

Can anyone tell me if this approach is the way to do it or am I wasting my time and should just not respond to her anymore?

[Rev]

Can anyone tell me if this approach is the way to do it or am I wasting my time and should just not respond to her anymore?

We are not supposed to say - stay or go.  But you say here that you have decided to go. So I am going to assume the following things -

1) You have given this some serious thought
2) You are leaving - not because of who she is as much as what your values are for yourself.
3) You are not running away or blaming her - you are making a detached and rational decision.

If you can honestly say yes to these three things - then a simple good by with as few words is what is necessary for you to stay in this rational space. No contact means no contact.

My own mentor said it so well - you can't have only a little bit of heroin.  BPD relationships are not like any other. They can run deep into your emotional psyche and have an addictive quality to it. My T kept reminding me as I resisted charm and after charm (and yours will come) - Rev, stay in your rational mind.

Good luck and be strong. You will need it. The emotional triggers can be powerful.  If you think that you are the cause of her pain by leaving and this causes you guilt. - please think again. She is - sadly - already in so much pain from the disorder that you can only hope that you leaving will provoke her to get the help she likely needs.

Rev

[I Am Redeemed]

What did you say in your letter as far as the reason you are giving for moving on?

It may be better to keep it simple and just say that the status quo of the relationship is not working for you.

[SinisterComplex]

"Can anyone tell me if this approach is the way to do it or am I wasting my time and should just not respond to her anymore?" From the little detail you have provided this is elementary to me and this almost comes across as a rhetorical question. So let me ask...where are you truly at in your mind? If you are truly at the sh*t or get off the pot point well then make a decision and then stick with it. No waffling. Have confidence in yourself. If you half-@$$ it you will just hurt yourself and then essentially start back over from the beginning with an emotional whirlwind one way or the other.

"I’m losing so much respect for her ." - Yeah saying you're "losing" respect...be more decisive and say you have lost respect. How do you respect someone who doesn't respect his or her self? The answer...you don't. It is ok to be blunt and tell it like it is. You will not be judged here.

I know this is incredibly torturous for you. I can see the struggle. I can empathize with your pain. I cannot tell you what to do or how to make your decision...You must do that all on your own, but I will support you in your decision and I will tell you to keep coming back and vent as much as you need to.

Please lighten up on yourself and don't place so much undo stress on yourself. Be kind to YOU.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Nongler4545]

We are not supposed to say - stay or go.  But you say here that you have decided to go. So I am going to assume the following things -

1) You have given this some serious thought
2) You are leaving - not because of who she is as much as what your values are for yourself.
3) You are not running away or blaming her - you are making a detached and rational decision.

If you can honestly say yes to these three things - then a simple good by with as few words is what is necessary for you to stay in this rational space. No contact means no contact.

My own mentor said it so well - you can't have only a little bit of heroin.  BPD relationships are not like any other. They can run deep into your emotional psyche and have an addictive quality to it. My T kept reminding me as I resisted charm and after charm (and yours will come) - Rev, stay in your rational mind.

Good luck and be strong. You will need it. The emotional triggers can be powerful.  If you think that you are the cause of her pain by leaving and this causes you guilt. - please think again. She is - sadly - already in so much pain from the disorder that you can only hope that you leaving will provoke her to get the help she likely needs.

Rev

I said yes to the 3, I do love her but I love myself now.

Thanks for your kind words and I know she will try and charm me which is going to take so much strength for me to resist, I have friends ready for this to keep me occupied. I do hope this will make her realise she needs help, I really do but that’s for her to decide and do. I can’t be a caregiver right now.

I did see her this morning and she told me her best friend has got engaged to be married and I just know this has hurt her, not that she is happy for her friend but emphasises where she is in life currently, she wants the marriage and The babies but she just isn’t stable enough to do so, I’m expecting her to lash out on this news. My letter is not going to be welcome for sure.

[Nongler4545]

"Can anyone tell me if this approach is the way to do it or am I wasting my time and should just not respond to her anymore?" From the little detail you have provided this is elementary to me and this almost comes across as a rhetorical question. So let me ask...where are you truly at in your mind? If you are truly at the sh*t or get off the pot point well then make a decision and then stick with it. No waffling. Have confidence in yourself. If you half-@$$ it you will just hurt yourself and then essentially start back over from the beginning with an emotional whirlwind one way or the other.

"I’m losing so much respect for her ." - Yeah saying you're "losing" respect...be more decisive and say you have lost respect. How do you respect someone who doesn't respect his or her self? The answer...you don't. It is ok to be blunt and tell it like it is. You will not be judged here.

I know this is incredibly torturous for you. I can see the struggle. I can empathize with your pain. I cannot tell you what to do or how to make your decision...You must do that all on your own, but I will support you in your decision and I will tell you to keep coming back and vent as much as you need to.

Please lighten up on yourself and don't place so much undo stress on yourself. Be kind to YOU.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thanks for your reply, I have actually said in the letter that I lost respect, which I have. I’m scared for her, really am but I’m trying to detach from the charm she has over me, I need to see things clearly and I can’t while I’m being charmed on a regular basis

[Nongler4545]

What did you say in your letter as far as the reason you are giving for moving on?

It may be better to keep it simple and just say that the status quo of the relationship is not working for you.

It just said that I had tried for 8 months but I have decided to move on and look after myself, I told her I love her and I’ll miss us but the relationship has ended and I’m going to live my life now.

I haven’t blamed her etc, just stating the fact

[once removed]

have you given her the letter?

[Nongler4545]

have you given her the letter?

Hi, no not yet as I’m away with work, she has my dog currently whilst I’m away (we had 2 dogs and we both kept one) since the split we have always helped each other out with the dogs when one of us is away, she has been sending me videos of my dog, just being really attentive with things, just overly nice, it’s pulling at my heart strings again and I’m trying to disconnect, she did this back in July, August and Sept, also making sure I know she isn’t seeing anyone etc

I’m trying not to work out what she is up to as who knows! But I’m expecting a lot of pics and videos of her with my dog over the next few days.

Plus she told me today that her best friend has got engaged, so I’m expecting this to trigger her and maybe that’s why she is overly friendly

[Lucky Jim]

My bpd ex and myself have been split for 9 months and it’s been push pull ever since, sleeping together, falling out etc but at the moment we are on great terms, however she is also sleeping with a lot of guys and not great ones at that, mixture of ex’s and tinder special cases!

Hey Nongler4545, Only you know when it's time to get off the roller coaster.  I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  On some level, you already know what is right for you.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

im not sure i would send such a letter.

if your goal is to detach, i might put my energy there, slowly, but consistently.

what do you think?

[SinisterComplex]

Nongler4545, is your goal to detach? I am sensing so much torment and conflict coming from you. Also realize you can only be charmed if you allow it to happen. If you want to detach and let go then be like Nike and Just Do It! There is no trying to disconnect. You either do it or you don't. Have the resolve to make the healthy decision to choose yourself above all else. You are the only one who can change the dynamic of this relationship.

The bottom line here...what do you really and truly want the outcome to be? At this point I don't think a letter is really worth the effort or time. Set a goal. Plan the steps to achieve that goal. Take one step at a time. Make it happen.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Blast000]

I would say that it entirely depends on what giving the letter will do, for you, without considering her feelings or recent ups and downs.

Will giving her the letter help you move on?

If you are trying to get a certain reaction from her, other than simply stating your feelings, then it's probably a waste of time.

[Rev]

I would say that it entirely depends on what giving the letter will do, for you, without considering her feelings or recent ups and downs.

Will giving her the letter help you move on?

If you are trying to get a certain reaction from her, other than simply stating your feelings, then it's probably a waste of time.

Totally agree with this - in fact giving her the letter may instigate a reaction completely opposite to what you are looking for. To the question - will this letter help you move on? - I would add: Will giving her this letter make sure she leaves you alone in the future? 

There's a reason why the "no contact" rule exists.

Rev