BPD Mother, Father unscathed?

[Whit Huntington]

I'm very grateful for this supportive community.

I have a strongly uBPD mother.  She was a nightmare of emotional abuse, unpredictability, screaming, criticism and paranoia growing up.  We are an Indian family.  My mother was severely traumatized starting at age 2 by the partition of India, and the traumas spiraled out throughout her young life.  For me and my brother childhood was an unpredictable roller coaster and sometimes nightmare.  Also, the values of "tiger parenting" heavily enabled her to justify her criticism.  My parents engaged in all night screaming fights, I got a stress induced weight problem for about 7-8 years and was severely bullied, until I lost the weight before high school, thank God.

My older brother was also affected, but he went to a boarding high school his sophomore year, met a girl there, and smartly never looked back.  He had to save himself.  But in doing so he also left me behind.  He treated our family as an evil unit, and it was him and his girlfriend versus us.  Can't blame him, he was young.  They are now married with  3 kids, he is 45 years old.  He is highly competitive with me and constantly engages in sideways put downs, but will never admit to that.  He and his wife also constantly try to drive home to me how perfect their relationship is, and I don't know why.  I always root for his happiness, openly and in my heart.  But I did finally find out he can go "cold" and be extremely cruel.  As a woman I would not have stayed married to a man who acts as he does.

All my life I was very grateful for my father.  He was always happy and joking, making me feel better, and I was so grateful that I had one ally in the world.  He told me to ignore her.

Only recently did I come to realize he was an enabler of the abuse.  He would tell me every awful thing she would say about me, and then he'd say "ignore it kiddo, be happy!"   If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have known most of the horrible things my  mother said about me when I wasn't there.  He used me as an ersatz partner and triangulated things.  In the last couple of years, this realization has begun to eat away at me.  I am so angry and lonely and depressed inside.  I am angry that I need medication to survive, and they do not.  My brother occasionally takes anxiety medication, that's it.

What I do not understand is this: How is it possible that he is happy?  For decades, literally every book I have read, the well-researched books, and every article on surviving BPD/narcissistic abuse, and every therapist I ever talked to says a partner must LEAVE an abusive relationship or they will wither inside and suffer.  If a person stays with an abuser, they will suffer, become depressed, they MUST leave or they could end up sick or dead.  It is driven home time and time again and again, over and over.  So my question is...  how come my dad is fine?  He is happy, laughing, hangs  out with friends, and has a normal happy life.  He is still married to my mom but works and avoids being at home as much as he can.  Neither he nor my brother has to take the anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds that I have to take.  My mom has no friends and lies in bed all day, and my interactions with her are now brief and shallow.  But... I just do not understand this cognitively or from a clinical perspective: how come my dad, who has been with my mom for 5 abusive decades - is just fine and happy?

ps - he is not hiding his pain from me, that is not it.  I laughed out loud when someone suggested that.   My dad has overconfided in me since the beginning of time, he has tons of friends, watches funny movies, he literally has indestructible baseline contentment and joy.  According to all the research and books, this should not be possible...

Confused.

[Spindle0516]

HI Whit!

You have definitely come to the right place! This site has helped me feel so much less alone and I have learned and am learning so many useful coping skills in dealing with my uBPD MIL.

Only recently did I come to realize he was an enabler of the abuse.

I am sensing that this has been a difficult thing to realize especially since you've always had a close relationship with him. It seems that he loved you a bunch and also didn't know how to protect you from what was happening. 

My husband and I recently realized that we were allowing ourselves to be on the receiving end of a lot of verbal abuse from my MIL and learning how to protect ourselves from that has been a huge relief for us.

But... I just do not understand this cognitively or from a clinical perspective: how come my dad, who has been with my mom for 5 abusive decades - is just fine and happy?

The thing is though, we never really know what is happening in someone's head and how they process and cope with what is happening around them, do we? Is it possible that because things were difficult at home that is was vital for him to have all those other sources of joy for him to survive?

[Turkish]

Hi WH,

Culturally, divorce is strongly frowned upon, especially of their generation, yes?

I think he's provided the answer on why he is happy: he's emotionally divorced himself, to an extent, and filled the void with what he tells you. Unfortunately, he's also filled that void by making you his confidante which I think indicates that he might not be as happy as he seems.  As you feel, thats very unfair to you, and especially unhealthy if he started doing so when you where a child.

As the only adopted child of a single mother, I was my mother's confidante. It wasn't until decades later that I realized that she told me a lot of things that were age inappropriate, or better left unsaid though the dynamic was different since I had no father.

[Notwendy]

It was also hard for me to realize that my father enabled my mother's abuse- of him and of us kids. I saw him as the "normal" one and even as a victim of her behavior, but now, I realize he was her enabler ( he is deceased).

It was only when I worked on my own co-dependent behaviors that I began to understand his situation. Co-dependency has its own issues behind it.

Families seem to work in a system and I also played a role in that balance. I was the scapegoat child. I also had to help manage my mother's feelings and she confided in me.

I think your anger and shock is part of the process. Then also comes forgiveness in time. My parents only did the best they could with what they had as relationship tools and support. There was little known about BPD at the time. I think my mother also experienced some childhood trauma but mental health was not discussed then and issues were hidden and fraught with shame. My father had the responsibility of work, and a mentally ill wife who needed a lot of attention.

I think the best we can do is now to work on ourselves. We have resources and counselors. We can change for the better. I think it is normal to be angry and sad over what happened, but keep hope and positivity that we can gain understanding and make changes for the better when we work on ourselves.

[pursuingJoy]

Whit, what you're feeling about your brother and dad makes sense. I too have witnessed impossible happiness in a completely dysfunctional relationship. Notwendy mentioned something important about family systems, and Turkish talked about perspectives of divorce. If life is functioning successfully, as your dad understands and defines success, I guess it makes sense that he would be completely content. The fact that he avoids life at home and like Turkish pointed out, used you as a substitute partner are strong indicators that he's not as happy as he lets on.

In a weird way I understand your brother's actions. I questioned the family system and left, too. My brothers stayed within the system and berated me for leaving. Things are better now, they've backed off and I feel stronger, but when I see them I still feel some childlike panic and defensiveness, and misguided judgment, because 'they should have left, as I did.' I feel a strong need to prove that I'm happy and settled, that I made the right choice in leaving the system. I have to work constantly, sometimes in the moment, to address the hurt behind all of these feelings, find my center, grieve the loss and let go of the anger. If your brother isn't taking these extra steps he may be stewing and locked up, trying to manage suppressed emotions.

I know it's not fair and it's normal to feel the way you do. You are processing some difficult things very well. You're going to be far, far better off in the long run. Anxiety meds are a stepping stone, a way to care for your emotional health, not a weakness. 

pj