How do you decide between Low contact or No contact

[stargazer95]

hi friends,

As I mentioned in my introductory post, one day after my mom did her usual threat to leave my life forever and I can do whatever I want (which she nevers means, it was just always what would trigger me to feel loads of guilt and beg her forgiveness) I decided if she wants to really be out of my life, then let her be. Just for context, this happened after I had tried setting a firm boundary and she was attacking it. When I stayed firm with the boundary, this was her reply.

Since then which was around 6 months ago, I stopped replying to any messages from her. At first it was just becasue I was tired and emotionally exhausted but later I just loved the freedom I felt from anxious feelings that often accompanied any interaction I had with her.
My husband also is supportive of this no contact situation as my mother is really manipulative specially with my children and we feel like this is best for the kids.

I should mentioned before that we were trying low contact but my mom was never happy with that and kept attacking it and I also would get very nervous and anxious whenever I had to talk to her.

But I am wondering how realistic is no contact long term. I am an only child. My parents are in their 50s and still healthy. Can I just stay no contact for a long time until perhaps they need my help and I have no other choice?

Also emotionally, what happens to us, borderline parents children, when we go no contact long term? Will guilt and shame become tolorable? will I feel like I am a traitor? Has anyone experienced these feelings with no contact and how do you deal with them?

I guess overall I am trying to weigh in my options of no contact and low contact and see which has less pain as I am sure both will involve emotional work. I appreciate any experiences and insights you all can share.

Thanks BPD fam!

[zachira]

You are wondering how to decide between going low contact or no contact with your parents. First of all, there is no one size fits all when deciding whether to go no contact or low contact. There are usually stages of no contact and low contact. Sometimes low contact become permanent and sometimes it doesn't. Do not put too much pressure on yourself to decide whether no contact with your parents is forever. Time will tell, and you will know if there comes a time when you want to go back to low contact, and if you want to maintain the low contact or go back to no contact. It is especially stressful to go no contact when you are an only child in some ways. Many times we feel guilty about not treating our parents the ways others do, and it can be especially hard when others who do have a loving relationship with their parents do not understand that we don't have a loving relationship with our parents.

[TelHill]

Hi Stargazer,

I’ve had long periods of NC and LC over the years. LC & NC have worked for me when I live in an area where it’s hard for dBPDm to drive to. Otherwise, they would pop over unannounced.

If LC, I do SET. Also,  am very friendly like one would be at work- happy face, but keeping private life to myself. I don’t trust her.

In my case, my parents seem much happier when I’m lighthearted. I think this equals acceptance from me without the pressure of having to be a parent. Asking for emotional support sets off the manipulation & gaslighting.

My parents are economically self-sufficient. My enabler dad folds to all of her whims, except for money.  And she never asks me for it. She also doesn’t threaten suicide or have mind-altering addictions. Those makes things less dramatic.

[Methuen]

Hi Stargazer95

I decided if she wants to really be out of my life, then let her be.

Yes Stargazer  This sounds like progress.  It's not an easy realization to come to, but it doesn't have to be permanent right?  I am learning that it is best for the BPD to experience natural consequences from their decisions.  I'm guessing we all feel that our BPD's repeatedly make poor decisions.  I have come to understand they make their decisions based on emotion, and when humans are emotional, they are notorious for making bad decisions and saying hurtful and damaging things.  Your mom was probably angry and reacting to the boundary you had set to keep yourself feeling safe, so she said responded emotionally by saying she wanted to leave your life forever and you could do whatever you want.  I believe this is a classic example of BPD.  From all my reading about BPD, we can't protect our pwBPD's from their own decisions, they have to learn their own way.  Keep your boundaries.  Although my situation is different, my journey is similar because I too am letting my mom experience the consequences of her own (poor) decisions.  (Eg. Refusing to put a bath mat in her tub despite it being recommended for "fall" prevention by a health care worker).  Normally this is where we would JADE - argue and explain why a mat is necessary.  But we all know JADING doesn't work with BPD's, and only invalidates their feelings and inflames the situation.  Instead it is better to use SET.  So yes, let her experience the consequences.  On the other hand, when my mom gave me the "silent treatment", I also understood that she was NEVER going to apologize or reach out to me.  So as the "adult" in the relationship, it was always going to be up to me to reach out with the first move to contact.  I do this in "safe" ways, such as having a third party present, or inviting her to "coffee" in her favourite coffee shop.  But it was my choice to re-establish contact.  The reasons for why I came to that decision could be the same ones you are wrestling with now..

At first it was just becausee I was tired and emotionally exhausted but later I just loved the freedom I felt from anxious feelings that often accompanied any interaction I had with her.  My husband also is supportive of this no contact situation as my mother is really manipulative specially with my children and we feel like this is best for the kids.

Good for you Stargazer.  There is a lesson in this.  I experienced this too after taking a "time out" from my mom last autumn.  I discovered I needed the "quiet time" without mom, just to find my "center" and stop living in such a heightened state of fear and resentment.  In that time, I started learning new strategies such as SET, using validating questions, and letting her make her own decisions and experience the consequences. Since I have changed my approach with her and started using these strategies, and although I still have lower contact with her than I used to, things are better for both of us now.

we were trying low contact but my mom was never happy with that and kept attacking it and I also would get very nervous and anxious whenever I had to talk to her.

I am not surprised she pushed back against LC.  I don't have a lot of experience with that though.  My mom tends to just stick with the "silent treatment" until I reach out.  Although sometimes she has pushed back too.
 Ultimately, it is necessary to look after ourselves first.  My mom was making me sick - anxious, crying, terrified really.  So I first had to go NC for that to settle, and then my T worked with me after that.  Do you have a counsellor/therapist by any chance to help you work through this period of change?  Of course this board forum is amazing support, but it has also been an extra layer of support for me to have a local T as well.

But I am wondering how realistic is no contact long term. I am an only child. My parents are in their 50s and still healthy. Can I just stay no contact for a long time until perhaps they need my help and I have no other choice?

I think this is going to be different for everybody.  I am also an only child.  My situation is such that I didn't feel it was realistic to go NC forever, so I have worked on changing myself because I know my mom isn't going to change (she's 83 and getting worse instead of better).  However, my mom's BP behavior and your mom's BP behavior while both damaging, could still be very different, and because you and I have different DNA and life experiences, how we resolve our strife with our BPD mom is going to be different.  One approach (LC vs NC) is not better than the other.  One person is not managing it better or worse than another.  Just the situations are different and thus may need different responses.  

It's the FOG that's so hard right?  

My cousin (our mother's are sisters) has been NC with her mom for about 8 years now, but the difference is that there is a sibling, and her mother went to live with the sibling.  I don't think that has worked out too well (for either the sibling or the mother).  It is harder for us "onlies" because there simply is no other child for the parent to rely on or "use" to have their needs met.  But we also have to remember that our parent is an adult, and since your parent's are in their 50's, they are clearly responsible for themselves.  Not you.  

Can I just stay no contact for a long time until perhaps they need my help and I have no other choice?

The "no other choice" bothers me a little, because it sounds it sounds like FOG.
I have dealt with a lot of FOG, and still am, probably always will.  But I am hopeful that as we use more of the strategies recommended on this site for dealing with BP's, the FOG lifts some.  I doubt that it will ever go away completely, but I think for me it is getting better slowly (at least for now, or until the next time my mom falls).  However to get back to the "choice" part, I think we always have "a choice".  But we have to work for that choice by protecting ourselves with strategies, if we decide to maintain contact.

I guess overall I am trying to weigh in my options of no contact and low contact and see which has less pain as I am sure both will involve emotional work.

For me, the approach is lower contact, emotional detachment with care, letting her make her own decisions, not feeling responsible for her emotions, and supporting her with what feels safe for me.  Right now it feels like a healthy low contact and is working.  That will probably change as some new event happens, and I may have to change and evolve when that time comes.  For now it is ok.

After my initial period of NC with my mom, I knew that if I wasn't comfortable with NC forever, it was going to have to be me that initiated contact.  We all know that BPD's never apologize, or try to resolve conflicts.

For me lower contact with my newly learned BPD friendly strategies is working for now.  For others on this forum, the only answer for them in their situation is NC.  Both are OK.  I think we just all have to muddle our way through our own situations and figure out what works for best for our well-being.   

[Person2]

Just wanted to say that I’m new to this site, and reading this post and the replies has been incredibly informative and helpful.

One thing that I’m curious about is SET, as it relates to the above replies. It’s unclear to me how one is both supportive while at the same time not being supportive of their decisions and not being involved in those decisions? Just curious what that looks like.

Also, what if you aren’t at a point where you honestly feel supportive? Is that part of the self work, to get to a point that you feel supportive?

[Methuen]

Hi Person2:

Try these links for SET:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all

also:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all

Note that validation and support are NOT the same as agreement.  I believe Randi Kreger talks about this in her book Stop Walking on Eggshells as well.

 

It’s unclear to me how one is both supportive while at the same time not being supportive of their decisions

Right...this is called "not validating the invalid", and I think is addressed in the links above.

what if you aren’t at a point where you honestly feel supportive?

Right.  Very important point.  Don't use SET if you aren't feeling in a safe place or it's not genuine.  As someone on this sight pointed out to me, if it's not genuine, the BPD will see through that, and the situation can get worse.  It has to be genuine.

[stargazer95]

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and examples. After reading them and thinking about my situation, I think I will continue the NC until I feel ready to be the adult in the relationship. I need the time to just focus on myself and my family. Once I feel more secure in my place in life, I think maintaining a relationship with her will be easier.

[zachira]

You have made a wise thoughtful decision to continue the NC for now and work on focusing on yourself and your family. I think everyone who has a parent with BPD needs considerable time away from the self esteem destructive environment of the BPD to build their inner sense of self so that they do not take on the negative emotions and blame dumped on them by the person with BPD. Do you have some specific plans on how you are going to spend this time and how you are going to deal with the upsetting memories when they come up?

[formflier]

  I think I will continue the NC until I feel ready 

I want to join others in applauding this decision!

Make your relationship choices about you, not FOG.

I would advise that when you do feel ready you try out some LC. 

I'm essentially LC with most of my inlaws, after a period of a few years of NC.   For me I figured dealing with one borderline (who is much better by the way) was enough... 

As you would expect I have lots more energy and time in my life...satisfaction with life is way up!

Again...massive applause for your decision!   

Best,

FF

[stargazer95]

Do you have some specific plans on how you are going to spend this time and how you are going to deal with the upsetting memories when they come up?

Thanks for raising these questions. You know I am learning to identify patterns of thinking that are a result of being raised with a BPD parent. So originally when I started NC I thought, ok I should really now prove myself in some career or a skill. I was pushing myself so hard trying to discover my interests that I started not being motivated. Then I thought, wait a minute. Is this my mom's voice for whom I was never good enough and  I had to prove myself to over and over again? Perhaps the time can be just spent doing what feels right at each moment, like journalling, playing with my children, being on this forum and educating myself about BPD. Its hard though.

And for a way to deal with painful memories, please do help me. I just posted this question on a new post about how to deal with these emotions. I dont know. I am trying to learn to not shut them down and ignore them or distract myself (which was mmy primary way of dealing with them before).

[zachira]

You would like to know how to deal with the painful memories. I hope you don't mind my sharing what worked for me. I was left in the crib most of the day as a baby and had terrible disassociation. I was unable to be present or face the memories on my own, and just avoided the feelings until they overwhelmed me. I did EMDR therapy with a wonderful therapist specialized in EMDR which helped me to face the memories and get to the point that now I can deal with the memories on my own. Now I use mindfulness and try to take quiet time every day to look at my feelings so no feeling becomes too overwhelming. Many members have recommended Pete Walker's book: "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" as being really helpful in dealing with flashbacks and painful memories.
You are not alone in having to deal with painful memories. We are here to listen and support you.
 

[stargazer95]

You would like to know how to deal with the painful memories. I hope you don't mind my sharing what worked for me. I was left in the crib most of the day as a baby and had terrible disassociation. I was unable to be present or face the memories on my own, and just avoided the feelings until they overwhelmed me. I did EMDR therapy with a wonderful therapist specialized in EMDR which helped me to face the memories and get to the point that now I can deal with the memories on my own. Now I use mindfulness and try to take quiet time every day to look at my feelings so no feeling becomes too overwhelming. Many members have recommended Pete Walker's book: "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" as being really helpful in dealing with flashbacks and painful memories.
You are not alone in having to deal with painful memories. We are here to listen and support you.
 

Thank you so much for sharing your story and what has worked for you. I had not heard of that. I will ask my therapist about it and check out the book.