Messing with my head in the bedroom

[Blast000]

I don't want to post this. I am hesitant. I don't know where else to talk about it. The post is about my sex life or lack thereof or I don't know. If that's something you don't want to read about, which I don't blame you, I understand.

I have been in a relationship with my wife for about six years. She was diagnosed with BDP less than a year ago but obviously had all the signs since before we met. When we first met things were passionate between us. A few months into it, things faded drastically. After a few months she started telling me about guys she had been with prior to me. She told me very specific information that I did not want to hear and that messed with my head. Mainly, it was about the frequency and quality of sex she had. I was hurt but kept on thinking that it was a sign that there was potential our romantic life would get better. It didn't really get better.

I told her that it hurt me and that I wish we could have a more healthy sexual relationship. Still, it didn't really get better.

So we have been living years like this. She rarely, rarely initiates and never really participates. This has completely crushed my self esteem, to put it mildly.

I have tried taking her out on excellent dates, being more romantic, being more aggressive, being less aggressive, being mildly aggressive, etc. I have talked to her about this as well. But there doesn't seem like there is much that I can do.

I feel horrible. Am I overemphasizing sex? Do I want it too much? Should I just stop pursuing it and wanting it (and if that is the case, how do I do that?)? Is it wrong to feel angry about this?

I have not had very healthy sexual relationships in the past. For the most part, I have only used women for my own physical needs. I think a sign that I've grown away from that is that I now want a woman who does participate. If I wanted to just use someone I could do that with my wife. But I don't want that. I'm tired of just accepting bare minimum.

The whole thing is messing with my head.

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[jaded7]

Just acknowledging your pain. I've been there with my suspected BPD girlfriend. Very much into it in the beginning, would talk about it, tell me "I'm distracted" when I tell her on the phone I'm going to take a shower, tell me how important being "connected" is, pushing me hard to go on a trip (another story) by saying we'll have "lots and lots of sex"...then she completely changed. Was very cold, lifeless during sex, critical during sex, and then simply stopped having sex rejecting me over and over again. It's painful.

[Blast000]

Was very cold, lifeless during sex, critical during sex

Critical, yes. Early on she yelled at me a couple of times. It's humiliating.  I got straight with her and told her that couldn't continue and she did stop. But damage was done.

Did anything help for you? Did it improve at any point?

[jaded7]

You can search my thread I started. It's long and complicated and painful. We are in the midst of what I think it is a breakup.

It's so weird, she was so complimentary and, seemingly, happy with our sex life in the beginning. But...then...she started snapping at me DURING sex. I mean, really snapping in a mean tone which I found really off-putting and scary. She told me she "told her friend it's the best sex she's had in 15 years" in the beginning, and then it just became more and more fraught. Like she was actually pissed off at me in sex, and as you'll read in my thread, mean and robotic and sometimes laying there acting like she was waiting for me to 'do' something 'to' her, no embracing, no kissing even

So no it didn't get better, it got worse. And I would show just serious frustration when she'd snap at me, the act would completely end and I'd say something like "I don't know what your asking me to do...I can't understand!"

[strugglingBF]

This is textbook to my relationship with my uBPDgf.  Was smoking hot at the beginning.  Telling me it is the best sex she has had.  Telling me she has never had an "O" in certain positions until me.  We were both open and honest about what we liked and wanted.  About 3-6 months in it all started to dissolve.  Sex became a chore for her.  We have been together over 5 years now and most of the time leads with a comment like "let's get this over with".  Foreplay is a thing of the past (and is also something I very much enjoy as part of the process).  Many times sex is worked in as a bartering tool for something else (this is an extremely damaging process I highly recommend avoiding).    It is what I can only imagine paying for sex would be like.  You can use my body for a while and then lets move on with the rest of the day/night.  The less intimate the better, and if she doesn't have to face me while we do it the better for her.  While I enjoy it sometimes, I hate it for the most part.  I have found myself not pursuing it as much, and at the same time I absolutely love it and want it as a regular part of my relationship.  Funny, because I have not pursued it as much she has noticed and she starts to get very suspicious of me, wondering if I am getting it elsewhere because she knows how badly I want it and it isn't adding up why I am not pushing for it more.  I am not going elsewhere for it.  The thought has crossed my mind to be honest, but it is not the person I want to be.  I have gone that route in the past and it isn't the right way to go about it.  I am just tired of getting either rejected or told to hurry up and get this over with. 

[jojo8786]

I went through something similar with my ex-girlfriend. Sex was nonstop in the beginning then began to fade a bit. Was in my relationship for little over a year for reference. We would still have sex, sometimes very passionate, other times a bit more one note and tame. I stopped constantly pursuing and that's when she became aware and tried to spark things up again. As I was dealing with my own depression and mental issues that were completed untreated, I found myself disinterested.

It goes to show that on both sides of the equation its about the individual having self worth and loving themselves for things to continue to be smooth and enjoyable.

I think anyone who brings up past experiences in the bedroom unprovoked is crossing a boundary. Unless you ask out of curiosity I don't believe a person has a right to compare you to past lovers. My ex brought up things she liked in an unprovoked conversation and while I actually wanted to try it, it still struck me as boundary crossing. Understanding your boundaries and sticking to them is absolutely paramount to getting your head right.

Set the boundaries you want and if she's unwilling to stick to that then you have to let her know there are consequences and that you will not put up with having your boundaries crossed. After doing a lot of research and work with my therapist, I understand that boundaries are key to living a full and enjoyable existence, including what goes on in the bedroom.