Don’t know how to communicate with partner

[Aden]

It is so hard to be heard by my bpd partner. I’m always having to explain and re-explain my feelings or thoughts bc she always takes it the wrong way...mostly negative. It’s like talking to a child. It’s so exhausting.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[2Loyal2Long]

Hi Aden, and welcome to your sane family here!

Take a look at the Tools on this site.  I can only imagine how confusing and hurtful this is.  We’re all learning a different approach to our BPD’s.  Anything can set them off.

One thing is to make sure you don’t JADE (justify, apologize (unless you were in the wrong and only apologize once if you do), deny, or explain).  Look at Stopping the Bleeding (I believe that’s what it’s called) on this site.  We have to stop making things worse before we can make things better.  That advice was given to me by a senior member of the group early on.  He’s right.

A BPD feels unheard and JADEing feels invalidating to them and then comes fear, anger, shame, abandonment, and down the spiral goes.

Others with more experience will be along soon.  I wanted to welcome you, I’m still very new myself.

Make sure to add as many details as possible about your all’s interactions.  More feedback can be given by us based on things we might see that you may not.  Each of us is too close to our own situation to view things objectively.

Again, welcome!  I commend you for being proactive and reaching out for help!

[pursuingJoy]

Aden, I want to join 2L2L in welcoming you! I can definitely relate to not feeling heard, the BPD taking things the wrong way, and the negativity, and exhausting childlike behavior. It is draining, isn't it?

You'll feel heard here. It's a very supportive group of people that have been in your shoes or similar. Finding sources of support outside of my relationship with my H has been stabilizing and energizing. I want that for you, too!

Can you share more about what's going on? Like 2L2L suggested, sometimes talking through a specific story can give us a better idea of how to help.

pj