S is back, asking to reconnect - I don't know how to respond

[Sandalwood]

In my last post I was wondering if I should apologize to my uBPsister. I wasn't really sure what I would apologize for. I think I was overwhelmed with FOG, and also maybe bargaining in the grief process. Thank you for comments on that post, which was in December.

My S and I have been NC for the better part of 2 years now, since she sent me a long, very nasty email that ended wth the statement that she didn't care about the consequences of the letter. I would say I had been discarded. She has had cancer and is now finished treatments and has been declared cancer-free. I'm happy for her.

She contacted me in the summer in a very general way and I didn't feel it required a response. She sent an ecard in October and I wrote about that one here. I didn't know what to do. In the end I didn't respond because it felt loaded.

On Sunday night I received an email with photos of the place where my husband and I were married, plus a photo of the 3 sisters together at my wedding shower. She surprised me by saying she wants to reconnect and try to rebuild our sisterhood.

I am floored. I have been split black by her for so long I just don't know what to think. I have been able to find peace and happiness during the long periods of NC, especially these last 2 years. I feel required to respond. The email is friendly. It seems like she is genuinely reaching out. I sent the email to my closest friend who has been by my side through all of the nightmare and she immediately responded that my S was being very manipulative. I didn't think of that. I think I was too busy fantasizing that it could be OK again. Charlie Brown and the football here. My other friend, who also has a BPs pointed out that it was my decision, but I need to protect myself. She gets it.

I wrote a response to my sister this morning, but I haven't sent it. I said that I was glad to hear she was well again. I acknowledge how hard the chemo must have been. Then I said that at this time I was not prepared to reconcile. That it doesn't mean ever, just not at this time.

I haven't sent it. I'm stuck here feeling guilty that she must be on tenterhooks, but I just can't respond just yet. It feels so final. And yet, I really can't see myself engaging with her and trying to start anew, after all I have been through with her. Yikes!

I appreciate any insights anyone may have. Thank you.

[Turkish]

PwBPD are driven by core shame ("I'm unworthy of love"), and emotions that are often uncontrollable.  The dysfunctional survival behaviors can seem manipulative, but they usually aren't consciously so.  She may really feel the way she's saying to you... at the moment. You're hesitant to respond since you've been hurt so much. I would be too.  If she's sincere in the moment, I would reach out, yet be wary that it could turn. 

[SarahUK]

Hello, Sandalwood. I'm fairly new to the site but I wanted to respond to say I can understand how difficult it must be to make this decision.

I like your idea of taking the opportunity to express your happiness that she has recovered while still setting a boundary - basically interacting on your terms and not hers. If you do send a warm, respectful, boundaried message to her I guess you will learn something from her response as to whether she is really ready to listen to what you say and show you respect in return? Then you can weigh up whether to have any future contact with her, or when, on that basis.

That said, if not replying is beginning to feel like the right way forward for you, that option is totally legitimate and available too. Your happiness matters.

[Sandalwood]

Thank you so much Turkish. I can never quite express my appreciation and gratitude for this community.
Thank you for the reminder that her actions have been mostly unconscious. I remember that when I am in shock at the things she says and does. It really is so much better when she is not in communication with me.
I have to wonder if she is simply caught in a survival program. My eldest sister, her enabler and rescuer, is getting older and I have learned from my brother, SIL and nephew that enS's mind appears to be deteriorating. My eldest sister and I have very little contact since she became uBPs's negative advocate several years ago, but it is friendly if and when we do connect at present. If eldest sister is unable to put out the fires and fight her battles for her then my uBP sister will be without anyone to lean on. uBPs is alone, a cancer survivor, and she has discarded both my brother and I.

So, I am extra wary. uBPs may be trying to get her ducks in a row for the future, and that includes getting me back on board.
Conundrum.

[Sandalwood]

SarahUK, welcome to this community. I'm sorry you have reason to be here, but your presence brings comfort and wisdom.
Thank you so much for your kind, supportive response. It is very helpful.

[Sandalwood]

Will wonders never cease?

In my last post I was struggling with whether or not to respond to my sister's unexpected request to reconcile. I am still grappling with it and haven't answered. I have written several drafts of a short response, but I keep changing my mind and losing sleep over it so nothing has been sent.

She decided to up the ante. Last night she sent an email apology for a vicious, terribly disparaging  statement she made about me 1 1/2 years ago. I wasn't supposed to see it. She was confronting my brother by email and she wrote that sentence about me. My brother was so upset he was sharing what she had written to him. We have supported each other through this quagmire.

She acknowledged how much it must have hurt me to see that! Is that empathy, or manipulation?  Yes the statement hurt, but in fact, it came after such a mountain of insults and abuse I didn't pay that much attention to it other than pointing out to my brother that it was Grade A projection.

Now all I can do is thank her for the apology and not go into what a huge surprise it is. In a lifetime with her (I'm in my 60s, she's in her 70s) she has only apologized once before for her odious behaviour and that was when I was able to prove in writing that she was off the rails. This time it is in writing again, so she can't escape that she said it.

I think I should be more open hearted to her, but I honestly am so suspicious of her motives I can't really believe what she is doing. As her little sister I loved her and was very close to her, but I also got very good at dodging her angry confrontations and insults. I loved her but never really trusted her. In this last decade, since my parents died, I have lost trust altogether.

She was a psychology major in university, lives and breathes psychology, and I have never known her not to have a therapist. She goes through them like revolving doors. Hence my suspicion that she is using her considerable knowledge to manipulate me with an apology.

I cried my eyes out last night. Thank goodness for my wonderful husband! Oddly enough I feel just as much a target now as I did when she was attacking me. I really don't like being on her radar, especially front and centre. I feel like I'm her project. It makes me very uncomfortable.

I feel I need to respond, but the eggshells are back in abundance and I'm stuck in place. I am self-employed and I have done very little work this week. This is consuming me, I'm afraid. I think if I respond I will have it behind me (for now) and I can get on with my work.

I'm sure it is acceptable to say "I don't know" about reconciling - because, I don't! I'm frozen!

Everyone here is so helpful and we are all in similar boats in many different scenarios. My heart goes out to every person who has come here for help and comfort. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the help and comfort you have afforded me. It means the world to me to be able to open up here and express what I hide on the outside.
 

[Panda39]

Hi Sandalwood,

I'm hearing a lot of Triangulation in your post...sister playing off of your enabling sister, stirring up the pot with your brother, with you...round and round you all go.

More on Triangulation...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Instead of looking at this in terms of how everything makes your sister feel how about looking at it from how a relationship or not with her makes you feel.  How have things been for you being no contact?  What has been difficult for you. What has been good? If you decided to go low contact instead, what do you think would be most difficult?

I have two step-daughters and each handles their uBPDmom differently.  D23 is no contact with her mother and D19 is low contact.  This is a big simplification but what I see is D23 has to manage guilt (and some anger at her mom too) and D19 has to set strong boundaries.

Think about you and what works for you.  This is not selfish it is self care.

Panda39

[Sandalwood]

Hi Panda,
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Yes, there has been triangulation. My brother and I are supportive to each other. He has been NC with BPs for almost as long as I have. I have almost no contact with enabling sis.

I appreciate the comparison you have made regarding your step daughters. That makes sense. I have been NC with my sister for 2 years. It was a relief when she discarded me... freedom! There was guilt though, even though she was the one who pushed me out. However, now she is back and I have to decide what the next step is.

It was a relief to write out my thoughts and fears in here today. It helped shift me along a bit. I am still flip-flopping, but from a stronger place. Thank you. 

[Sandalwood]

Sister,
I am glad to hear you remain cancer-free and that you are well. You have been through a very tough ordeal.

Your emails were unexpected. I apologize for the delay in my reply. I have had to sit with this. 

Thank you for the photos of Place. It has been 25 years.

Thank you for your apology.

You have made your negative feelings about me very clear, directly and indirectly. 

You have asked if we can build a new sisterhood and let bygones be bygones. This new development is a surprise to me. I appreciate the effort.

I find I am simply unable to answer at this time. That doesn't mean not ever, but at this time.

I just don't know.

Signed

[Sandalwood]

I haven't sent the above reply, but I think it is pretty much what I want. Any thoughts about it?
Thank you.