The Impact of the BPD Parent on the Life Potential of Their Child

[Person2]

I’m curious to hears others thoughts about the following; I feel that the relationship with my uBPD mom has impacted me in a way that has limited my potential in my life; by this I mean that, first, the impact of being raised by her (being taught to focus on her), and secondly, the amount of bandwidth I’ve allowed her to have in my mind as an adult, has diverted energies that would have been available for my own development.

As I head into my 60’s, I know that my life potential at this phase of my life means something very different from earlier phases of my life (and this does make me feel sadness/grief); however, I continue to have the desire to explore my own potential (though I struggle so much with self-realization).

I’m wondering if there are any here who, once they’ve learned about BPD, and developed themselves to a point where their relationship with the BPD is no longer a major issue/focus, have made progress in realizing their potential? If yes, I’d love to hear some examples of what that looks like.

[pursuingJoy]

Person2, I've been thinking about your post all day long. My parents didn't have BPD but my dad was NPD, but since there was parallel abuse, I'd like to share my story.

I was conditioned to believe that my use was in first serving my dad, then serving my husband and having children. Art was pointless, speaking up was selfish, dressing well was vanity. I remember looking at my reflection as an adult and feeling shame at my curves. I always made choices I thought my dad would approve of, but I never had his approval...so I stayed hungry.

I enrolled in college, majoring in something non-useful, picked an abusive guy, married way too young, and dropped out when I got pregnant.

My emotional development was arrested somewhere between 13-16 until I "woke up" in therapy at the age of 28. When I left the abuser, he laughed when I said I was going to get a job.

I got an entry-level position at 28 with very little work experience. I learned that not only am I intelligent, I learn quickly and I'm a great asset to a team. I excelled, even as a single mom, and was continuously promoted over 8 years. I'm now in my 40's, successfully propelling and managing major projects and initiatives where I work. I am really good at training adults (who knew?). My healing from abuse and understanding of people actually gives me an edge as a trainer.

I'm enrolled in school again and have 15 credits to go to get my undergrad. I hate algebra. 

I read about a 90 year old that just wrote and published a book. The possibilities are endless. You're just getting started Person2! What is it that you're dreaming about? I'd love to hear!

[Person2]

Pursuing Joy - thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. It’s always so great to hear about how others have prospered despite adversity. There are many things about your early adulthood that I can relate too.

As I’m assuming was the case for you, there were no expectations for me beyond marriage. Neither of my parents had graduated from high school. I was very serious about graduating from high school, and I expressed a keen interest in going to college, but I was very clueless about how to go about it (and I was left to my own to figure it out, both logistically and financially - painfully, my dad’s income level blocked my getting financial aid at that time). I went to community college for many, many years on and off, and ended up finally getting an AA a few years ago.

I'm enrolled in school again and have 15 credits to go to get my undergrad.

Yeah! 

It’s heartening to me to hear that you’ve had a satisfying career. I can really relate to what you say about initially becoming aware that you were intelligent. I remember the first time I realized this about myself. For instance, due to living with my mom during my early education, I could never pay attention in school. I was always deeply troubled and distracted by my home environment. My performance at school lead me to believe I wasn’t very intellectually capable. Once I was on my own, and in community college, I was so surprised to realize that I could actually excel in my classes.

Time has really brought to me how much I’ve self-identified with my parents, even though I’m very different from them (like I allowed myself to impose some kind of limit on myself so that I don’t “outshine” my parents).

I’ve no doubt that age isn’t limiting as to what can achieve (as in your example). I’m just looking to hear about the experiences of others that have been able to move beyond devoting their thoughts and energies to their BPD (or in your case, NPD) parent plus felt they were finally addressing their potential (what that looks like for them).

As to myself (what my thoughts are on my potential), I really struggle with this. I love learning, and I’m an avid reader. I realize this will sound negative, but I never found any satisfaction in my work life (I’m now retired).

The upside in my current life status is that I do finally have some space to explore my potential. Having this space quickly made me realize that I first need to deal with the relationship with my mom, as it became apparent to me how much real estate she takes up in my mind (which contributes to blocking my self-realization). I’m still at that phase of the process, but I’m also working on getting to know myself. No clear “dream” at this point, just a desire to explore.

[madeline7]

I was raised and conditioned to put my uBPDm"s needs before everything else. And my enabler Dad made sure we all put her needs first. So I find my self now in my 60's, Dad gone, BPDm widowed and elderly, and he created a monster by reinforcing her unrealistic expectations. But I have done the work, and have detached to some degree, and finally putting my needs first. It is a push/pull but I am staying focused on me. What I did find was that the toll is not just emotional, but now that I am older, there is a physical toll to being a doormat. And my Doctors have outlined why it is necessary for me to have good self care. A struggle at times, but worth the work. And my kids are happy to see me finally taking care of myself. I'm trying very hard to be compassionate towards my Mom, how sad her life if, and I don't want to waste any more time being sucked into her toxic web. I recently started a few hobbies, and make my schedule around what I want to do now, not what Mom needs me to do.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Person2, 

I don't think I've had the chance to welcome you yet, so this is my tardy greeting. So glad you have found us.

I can so easily echo the responses already given. We walk a parallel journey as we heal from being so invisible as a small child growing up under the influence of a pwBPD. I remember early on in T my counselor asked me to describe a picture of myself and the world around me. I described the colors (they were dark and stormy), and where I imagined this picture to be (outdoors). I didn't include myself except for the notion that perhaps I was that tiny flower struggling to make it. He said it is not unusual at all for someone who had a BPD parent to leave themselves out of the picture but rather to describe their surroundings. I was shocked and he was so right. I couldn't see myself because my existence was all about taking care of others emotionally and physically.

I went back to college when I was 46 and got my Associate's degree. I never knew I was smart and intelligent until I found myself at the head of the class. Since starting in the workforce (other than working for my DH for 25 years and that's another story for another day), I suddenly find myself being incredibly valuable to each organization I've worked for, so much so that I often have to pause mentally and say that it's okay that I'm good at what I do. It's a challenge to me to be able to be front and center for many things because it was always safer to hide away from any spotlight. You know I'm sure, like the rest of us, that drawing attention towards ourselves would result in unhappy consequences, often physical and/or verbal abuse for me. 

The healing I've experienced as I've been in T and worked through so many things has left me to be such a different person than I was even 7 years ago. I don't see the world the same. There is joy and color and lightness that has replaced the darkness, and I continue to explore who I am, who God created me to be long before the world began. You will get there. Keep at it!

Here's a great book that has been very helpful to me that can help you to explore and discover new things about you and how you see life:
Surviving a Borderline Parent

 
Wools

[pursuingJoy]

Person2 congrats on the AA!  I'm muddling through school with a lot of positive self-talk. It helps to hear that others have made it.

Time has really brought to me how much I’ve self-identified with my parents, even though I’m very different from them (like I allowed myself to impose some kind of limit on myself so that I don’t “outshine” my parents).

Wow this is deep insight, Person. I need to chew on this.

I remember a general sense of just not knowing - not knowing what I wanted, who I was, or where I was going.

The upside in my current life status is that I do finally have some space to explore my potential. Having this space quickly made me realize that I first need to deal with the relationship with my mom, as it became apparent to me how much real estate she takes up in my mind (which contributes to blocking my self-realization). I’m still at that phase of the process, but I’m also working on getting to know myself. No clear “dream” at this point, just a desire to explore.

I can't help but be excited for you! As I heal, I become creative - I see solutions where there were only blocks before. I think of places I want to see, things I want to try. I find things funny. I can totally relate to what Wools said about color - I notice colors. I hear and smell things. It's crazy to realize the toll emotional damage takes.

The healing process and working through this stuff with your mom is so worth it because you have a full life to explore.  What do you like to read? Any other hobbies you're considering?  

[Person2]

Hi madeline7 - Your post is very inspiring.

But I have done the work, and have detached to some degree, and finally putting my needs first.

Yeah! I love the word “detached”. That’s exactly what I’m seeking to do. For example, any time that I spend with my mother, it’s so apparent in the things that she says, that she views me as an extension of herself. Intellectually, I view this as the cr#p that it is, but it’s so insidious that I’m sure that some aspect of it lurks around in my subconscious.

What I did find was that the toll is not just emotional, but now that I am older, there is a physical toll to being a doormat

I very much relate to what you’re saying here (being diagnosed with a disease, and learning how much stress of this sort can contribute to it, is one of the things that made me realize I really have to address this). The really sad part is having a mother that doesn’t understands this, can’t provide support, and is very much a contributing factor - so strangely non-maternal.

And my kids are happy to see me finally taking care of myself

This is so great. I don’t have children, but I imagine it is so important for their sake that you’re the most mentally and physically healthy that you can be. Win, win for all.

I'm trying very hard to be compassionate towards my Mom

I’d love to hear more about what you find useful, how you’re working on developing this? One thing I now regret is that I let things go on for way too long. Prior to the current break I’m taking, these last 5 - 10 years, I only see her in person a few times a year (she lives in a different state), inter-mixed with monthly phone calls. During this time period I became increasingly shut down. I really can’t stand being around her or talking to her on the phone. I was only interacting out of a strong sense of obligation. These years have been so damaging and have left me devoid of any feeling towards her. I take responsibility for allowing myself to ignore my own feelings so much, and I know that by doing so, I became a person that I no longer want to be (I hated the person I was with my mother). This to was a major reason for me to force myself to address this.

Anyways, I’m really interested to hear how you are seeking to have compassion towards her - I know this is very important, just hard to navigate.

Great to hear about your progress!

[zachira]

You have come to the right place to ask about the impact a parent with BPD has on the life potential of their child. There are many of us on this site, who have discovered quite later in life that our parent had BPD and how it has affected us. My mother with BPD died this summer. She did not want any of her children to have separate lives from her and did everything she could to interfere with her children getting married and being successful in other areas of their lives. She especially resented my sister and me succeeding professionally. Out of four children, only my sister got married and my mother treated my wonderful BIL terribly even though he was very kind to my mother. I would say the key is discovering the impact that having a parent with BPD has had on your life, and then working to become emotionally separate from that parent, to not take the mean things personally that your mother unfairly blames on you. When we are children, we think something is wrong with us, when we are mistreated by a parent. As an adult, we have the capacity to see that no child deserves to be mistreated, and to realize it was not normal for a parent to use their child as a target to dump their dysregulated emotions on. Many members on this site with a mother with BPD have learned that it is never too late to make a life that is healthy and separate from a mother with BPD. The first step for many is working on having boundaries with the parent with BPD. I have become healthier and happier over time, through many years of therapy, and no longer get too upset for too long over how my mother with BPD has affected me or how my siblings with BPD are behaving. I now have my own life filled with nice friends, and no longer feel so sad about all the lost opportunities because my mother opposed me becoming an adult. You will get there too. It is normal to grieve having a parent BPD, and by doing the work of grieving you will start to feel better and able to have a happier life. We are here to listen and support you on your journey. Do keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Person2]

Hi Woolspinner2000!

Thank you very much for the welcome! I’m am very glad to have found this site.

I have to say that your post made me feel very emotional (in a good way).

What you shared about your early therapy experience is quite powerful. It sounds like you had a great therapist - yeah!

I also really enjoyed reading about your work experience, that it’s been such a positive, beneficial experience. I’m so happy for you! It really speaks to a lot of hard self-work on your part.

I suddenly find myself being incredibly valuable to each organization I've worked for, so much so that I often have to pause mentally and say that it's okay that I'm good at what I do. It's a challenge to me to be able to be front and center for many things because it was always safer to hide away from any spotlight.

What you’re saying here is something that all of us here must really reacon with. It’s extremely limiting to one’s career to not put oneself forward when appropriate, and I’m sure many of us suffer from the consequences of not doing so (mainly, unsatisfying careers).

For me, in addition to this, I’m a highly sensitive introvert (as I’m sure is also the case of some others here). Combining my upbringing with my innate temperament really impacted my work life satisfaction (as I never was able to get past the limiting aspects of these).

The healing I've experienced as I've been in T and worked through so many things has left me to be such a different person than I was even 7 years ago. I don't see the world the same. There is joy and color and lightness that has replaced the darkness, and I continue to explore who I am, who God created me to be long before the world began. You will get there. Keep at it!

This is the part of your post that really gets to me - makes me well up a bit. Your sharing this means so much to me; really offers me hope (plus you worded it so beautifully).

Just one other thing that I wanted to share, is the thing that I experienced that instigated my writing my original post here. I was watching an interview about a new documentary being shown at the Sundance Film Festival. It was with a young women of color who is an MIT student. She’s does work with AI (artificial intelligence). While working on a facial recognition project, she discovered that the current programs have issues with recognizing non-Caucasian faces.

The thing that really struck me was noticing how engaged she was in her life (she’s involved in a lot of interesting things) and how much it showed in her person. It really caused me to feel emotional and I tried to imagine how it would feel to be that engaged in my own life. It definitely gave me what kind of a feeling I’m seeking to bring into my life. Obviously the real work is figuring out what on earth that would look like for me, but I feel like if I can just hold onto the knowledge of that feeling, it’s something.

Thanks for the book recommendation too. I have read a few books now on this topic - I need to double check if that’s one of them.

[Turkish]

P2,

I've done well considering where I came from.  That's not me, but in so many words people who have known me told me so. 

My mother was a product of her times. In the late 60s, she graduated with an RN from the top nursing school.  She had an IQ of 137, certainly smart enough to get an MD, but the times... and her BPD. She could do long division in her head which impressed me while shaming me because I couldn't. 

In high school, I took Honors classes due to my teachers, not my mother. Senior year, she kept telling me I needed to go to university (at least state college), yet she was zero help.  I daw a black cliff once a graduated high school. I thought about killing myself. I moved out on my 18th birthday. 

My BFF's mom was a re-entry student at the community college and told me about a tech program.  Signed up, up, to my mother's shame. A.A. with a technical certificate, the only undergrad microscopy program in the USA at the time. My cohorts in my senior honors class went to UC Davis and UC Berkeley. I didn't do so well on the SAT but did on the ACT. I could have matriculated to a state school easily. No help, no vision, and I felt like crap about myself. My mother was in the midst of a mental breakdown. Her baby was leaving. She was lost and I was adrift. I took control of my life as I felt my mom was worthless even if I felt that she wanted the best for me.  She was limited. 

10 years ago, she was visiting our home.  I was working on my spreadsheet. She walked in, and apropos of nothing, said, "toy should go back to school to complete your BA/BS." I toggled over to my 401(k) balance and said, "I think I'm doing ok." She didn't say anything and backed out of the room. 

Two babies and me the primary earner and I'm a loser who's supposed to give that up to get a BA because she didn't and was shamed that I didn't? No. After all of those years, and after she waa zero help to me,  even still claiming me on her taxes which precluded me getting financial aid, and she tried to shame me? No.

Go the distance. For you. 

[Person2]

Hi again Pursuing Joy,

As I heal, I become creative - I see solutions where there were only blocks before. I think of places I want to see, things I want to try. I find things funny. I can totally relate to what Wools said about color - I notice colors. I hear and smell things. It's crazy to realize the toll emotional damage takes.

I love reading this! It’s so motivating and speaks to living life rather than just reacting to it.

Your statement brings up a couple of things for me. I’m temperamentally inclined to the activity of fixing things. Seeing problems and finding solutions (I love the brainstorming activity) was one thing I felt that I excelled in during my work life years. However, I’ve realized, over time, that the expectations I attach to this process has not served me well (I’ve allowed myself to get really bogged down in the frustration and futility of not being able to solve the unsolvable). I think that it all ties back to the BPD parent experience. Your statement brought back to me the positive aspect of “ I become creative - I see solutions where there were only blocks before.”

The other is your saying “I find things funny.” YES! I completely relate to this. For me, humor is SO important! I can’t imagine a life without it.

As far as reading (one of my favorite activities), my interests are all over the place. I’m currently on a literature and (obviously) self-help binge (plus I’m a longtime New Yorker junky). An excellent book I’m currently reading is Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life by James Hollis, Ph.D. Strangely, there’s quite a bit in it that speaks to the damage done by not receiving adequate acknowledgement and attention by one’s parents.

As far as hobbies, I tend to mostly try things and move on (I’ve not landed on anything long-term). I’m currently attempting to learn Tai-Chi through watching a DVD that I purchased. My goal is to first get comfortable in the basics so that I can try and join a group in person.

What about you? What type of things do you read and what are your hobbies?

[madeline7]

To answer the question regarding how I am coming around to be more compassionate, I was fortunate to find a free 12 week workshop last year for family of people with BPD. I thought I 'Knew" everything, but went anyway. I learned the latest information, (finally there is more research than when I first looked into it in my 30's). The thing that helped the most was realizing there may be a predisposition to an overactive amygdala. That is the thing in your brain involved with the experience of emotions. I was floored to understand that she really is mentally ill, and not just mean and manipulative. How horrible to live in an aroused state, where the amygdala is always firing and always feeling agitated. I still get angry, frustrated, sad, but I want to be a better person, I do not want to be like her. So compassion, although not easy esp. with her as she rages and blames me, leaves me feeling better, and more like the authentic and kind person I hope to be.

[mdl5046]

For me, I am fairly successful both despite of and because of my BPD mother. She wasn't a terrible mother. She did things that made me feel awful and like I needed to constantly chase her approval. She always compared any issues I had to issues she had. If I struggled with math in high school, she told me she went to law school with two children so I could figure out math. Not particularly helpful, but I figured at the time that was how people parented. She never really helped me with anything. She just told me to figure it out because no one ever helped her, which as I got older I realized was categorically untrue. She was always using people and preying on their kindness until they got burnt out with the one way relationship. When I bought my first car my mother got depressed and mad at me because her daughter had a nicer car than her. I thought that was a little strange, but that was just the beginning. But it's always like that especially now that I am adult, I can't celebrate any success with her because she'll just give me a cursory "that's great" and then launch into how awful her life is. I still can't get her approval. When I sucked at things, I was disappointing and she was angry with me. Now that I am successful, it's just depressing to her. It's like she saves all her happy moments for someone else. What is really lost is the "normal" parent/child relationship, not your potential. I'm not sure how to fill that gap, but it feels like my parents are dead in that regard. Continuing to engage with them just opens wounds, but I don't hold any animosity towards either of them so I can't bring myself to cut ties. It would just be nice if we could have a normal conversation where we both talked instead of me just listening to her drama. The bottomline is you don't need them (the parent) to be successful or define your success or potential. It has to be up to you, right?

[pursuingJoy]

Person2, I just want to let you know that I'm thankful you joined us. I've enjoyed reading this thread and getting to know you. I find you very interesting and thoughtful.

Tai chi? I love it. I've never thought about trying it but it sounds wonderful. Keep me posted, I'd love to hear if you end up joining a group.

The thing that really struck me was noticing how engaged she was in her life (she’s involved in a lot of interesting things) and how much it showed in her person. It really caused me to feel emotional and I tried to imagine how it would feel to be that engaged in my own life. It definitely gave me what kind of a feeling I’m seeking to bring into my life.

My gosh I can relate to this. I felt this way for so many years. I guess I just decided I wasn't one of those people.

Then I started healing and coming alive. I am an introvert too, raised in a very conservative family, terrified of dancing. At 28 I went to an east coast swing dance with a friend. I. Laughed. So. Hard. Oh my gosh it was amazing. I don't freestyle or do hip hop but I love dancing if I can learn the steps. I got into it and ended up competing in West Coast Swing. Next week we're trying belly dancing and line dancing.

People half my age have degrees and titles. Sometimes I get jealous. But this is what I have, this is who I am.

I appreciate this opportunity to explore this topic, Person. Thank you for the way you've engaged with each of us and made us feel important and individual. 

pj

[stellaris]

On the one hand, I have accomplished a lot.  By some measures, literally everything I have set my mind to.  Most important I have a wonderful and loving wife, and two delightful sons,  They are my everything.

On the other hand, I have failed a lot.  Failure is necessary I think, failure is what leads to growth, but I have a hard time with it. And I feel a fundamental vulnerability to failure and setback - they hit me hard, and lead to a kind of paralysis I have a hard time overcoming.

The hardest thing is relating to and relying on other people.  I don't have a real community, just two childhood friends left, who I see sadly rarely.  Everything else is quite transient.  Perhaps this is because life itself is transient. 

As I push through upper middle age, I find myself going back more and more to find little touchstones from childhood, particularly early childhood, when I felt safe and stable in the world, before my mother's mental illness just took it all away.  The internet is good for that.  These things validate my memory, which helps to take away some of the internalized maternal craziness.

[Person2]

Hi zachira!

You have come to the right place to ask about the impact a parent with BPD has on the life potential of their child. There are many of us on this site, who have discovered quite later in life that our parent had BPD and how it has affected us.

That’s great to hear!

Sorry to hear about your mom passing. I bet that’s a complicated psychological experience.

Out of four children, only my sister got married

Sounds like your mom was quite a force!

working to become emotionally separate from that parent

This to me is the most exciting - what I’m really focused on. I’m really able to see that my not doing this has been so damaging to both of us (even though she doesn’t want this separation).

Many members on this site with a mother with BPD have learned that it is never too late to make a life that is healthy and separate from a mother with BPD. The first step for many is working on having boundaries with the parent with BPD.

Great to hear! One thing I’m curious about; I’m currently on a break with my mother but plan to reconnect in the next few months (when I’m feeling that the time is right for me). In your point-of-view, do you feel it’s worthwhile to actually discuss with them the concept of boundaries and how they can improve our relationship or is it better to just introduce boundaries, without a lot of discussion (just do it)?

I now have my own life filled with nice friends, and no longer feel so sad about all the lost opportunities because my mother opposed me becoming an adult

Yes! Music for my soul. I’m very happy for you and I REALLY appreciate your sharing all this with me 

[zachira]

Person2,
You would like to know my thoughts on whether to discuss introducing boundaries with your mom or to just introduce boundaries. I think the less you discuss with a person with BPD,  the better, as they really are impaired in understanding another person's point of view, especially those people closest to them like their own children. I would just set the boundaries and stay firm with them.
Thank you for your kind thoughtful reply to my story.

[Person2]

Hi again madeline7,

Thank you so much for your information/experience about compassion. It’s really helpful (it really makes sense/resonates, what you are saying).

The thing that helped the most was realizing there may be a predisposition to an overactive amygdala. That is the thing in your brain involved with the experience of emotions. I was floored to understand that she really is mentally ill, and not just mean and manipulative. How horrible to live in an aroused state, where the amygdala is always firing and always feeling agitated

I feel that viewing their condition as a real physical brain impairment, does drastically change my attitude, and that I can actually see myself being able to develop some compassion based on that.

I want to be a better person

I too want this! You really hit the nail on the head. What a challenge though.

[Person2]

Hi mdl5046,

I’m a newbie too. It’s great to hear from so many that are thriving.

She always compared any issues I had to issues she had.

I hate that aspect of BPD. For me, it comes up in every conversation I have with my mother, and it shuts me down every time. Hopefully, I’ll develop a better response.

She never really helped me with anything. She just told me to figure it out because no one ever helped her, which as I got older I realized was categorically untrue.

The maternal instinct really seems to suffer with this disorder, right?

She was always using people and preying on their kindness until they got burnt out with the one way relationship.

It’s so painful being one of those witnessing this behavior. At this point in my life, I’m just doing what I can to not be the prey. Is this something you also navigate?

I can't celebrate any success with her because she'll just give me a cursory "that's great"

Since I’m new to this site, I continue to be surprised by how similar our experiences are. I’m the same as you, in that at this point in my life, I no longer share any accomplishments. Telling the checker at the grocery store would get me more acknowledgment than telling my mother - ha!

What is really lost is the "normal" parent/child relationship, not your potential

I get what you’re saying here. I do think that for some of us, it’s not so much that there is a lack of potential, it’s that our ability to know what that is, what that means for us, is damaged by this relationship.

You sound like you’ve made a lot of progress in learning how to live with your situation. On wards and up wards!

[Person2]

Hi stellaris,

jiminy cricket - cool!

Most important I have a wonderful and loving wife, and two delightful sons,  They are my everything.

I’m so happy for you. I feel exactly the same about my husband. We met later in life, and our relationship has positively impacted me like nothing else in my life.

I feel a fundamental vulnerability to failure and setback - they hit me hard, and lead to a kind of paralysis I have a hard time overcoming.

Sounds like many of us here suffer from being very hard on ourselves. Developing self-compassion is so hard.

The hardest thing is relating to and relying on other people.  I don't have a real community, just two childhood friends left, who I see sadly rarely.  Everything else is quite transient.  Perhaps this is because life itself is transient

I feel the same! I know that a sense of community is so important (and that the few times in my life that I experienced a sense of community were so stimulating). More often though I find the complexity of dealing with developing new relationships or continuing olds one too much (I’m easily overwhelmed). Perhaps this stems from our BPD relationship issues. I’m sure there’s a whole set of skills that went unlearned in our childhood that would benefit us in interacting with others now.

One thing that I’ve learned about myself is that I actually require a pretty low amount of social interaction. Even though I’m an introvert and a loner, I’m pretty friendly when I’m out and about. I enjoy taking to strangers, and when I return home, I’m good (that was enough).

As I push through upper middle age, I find myself going back more and more to find little touchstones from childhood, particularly early childhood, when I felt safe and stable in the world, before my mother's mental illness just took it all away.  The internet is good for that.  These things validate my memory, which helps to take away some of the internalized maternal craziness.

That’s beautiful that you’re revisiting that feeling! It sounds like a very positive thing that your self is bringing up for you!

[TelHill]

Anyone can start working on short or longer term goals for fun or work. Besides being accepted into med school or being an Olympic athlete (the caps for those are late 20s or 30s), anything else is doable.

I was effected by my mom’s harassment when I was a child & teen. (I don’t know what else to call her incessant put downs.) I have work skills that I like, but I would have chosen something else. I didn’t think I was good enough. I was in a hurry to make money to support myself. The job I would have preferred takes years of grad school and an apprenticeship.  Not fair, but life goes on.

I was in college over 30 yrs ago and there were put downs for women from male students & professors. I used to hear- oh, you are here for your MRS. & crazy things like that.  The atmosphere was a little anti-female.   If you are in that age range & female, society wasn’t doing us any favors! It’s much better now, thank goodness!

[Person2]

Hi TelHill,

I really enjoyed reading your post and hearing about your experience.

As women, we’ve made tremendous gains, as far as being taken seriously in attaining a college education. I met an older female doctor recently, and while we were chatting, she mentioned that she was the only female graduate of her class at medical school. So much has changed these last decades.

For me, I acknowledge that, even later in life, there are plenty of opportunities available to me (and that I witness examples of folks continuing to engage in meaningful pursuits post retirement). My issue lies in discovering what is meaningful to me. Obviously, this is a common issue, but I feel that children of BPD’s particularly struggle with finding their passion

[Methuen]

mdl5046:

It would just be nice if we could have a normal conversation where we both talked instead of me just listening to her drama.

Holy this sentence jumped right off the page at me because it hit home so hard. Every moment I spend with my mom is consumed by this behavior.  I hate it.  You really hit a nerve, because my mom has trained me to feel that if I don't meet her needs (including listening and sympathizing with her), I don't love her.  In the last half year, I've started looking after myself.  I can't stand these conversations where my 83 yr old mom just talks about herself and her friends, gossip, drama, all their illnesses, death ...blah blah blah.  She would go on like that for as long as I would be willing to sit there and listen to her, and every day too.  I probably sound harsh, but it's the ONLY thing she talks about.  If I even say a sentence about me, or her grandchildren, or news or politics, she finds a way to switch it back to herself.  So I started setting some new boundaries for myself.  When I  see she is on autopilot and talking about herself, I change the topic.  Without fail, she will always find a way to twist any new topic to the dark side, so I switch topics a lot.  Thankfully she is ADHD so it works well for me.  Shorter visits help.  Sometimes I have excuses to  "get going".  I know that with my mom, it's imperative I NOT reinforce her behavior by being a willing audience to this negativity.  I will no longer play along (by being polite and kind) and let her dump her drama or dark thoughts on me anymore.  Sometimes I come right out and tell her in a cheerful voice how I'm turning a negative thought she just had into a positive one.  If she keeps going dark, it's time for me to say "I gotta go mom"!  

P2:

In your point-of-view, do you feel it’s worthwhile to actually discuss with them the concept of boundaries and how they can improve our relationship or is it better to just introduce boundaries, without a lot of discussion (just do it)

A good question to ask!  Answer: just do it!  Definitely NOT worthwhile to discuss the concept of boundaries with BPD ahead of time: I think she will boomerang back at you with a response that will blow up badly in your face.  At least my mom absolutely would.  Discussing the concept of boundaries would work with a rational person (a cognitively thoughtful person who analyzes and reflects and problem solves and has some self-awareness).  I don't think BPD's are rational.  Instead, they are emotional.  Trying to have a rational discussion with a person who becomes emotionally charged will be unsuccessful 99.999999% of the time.  Just start setting your own boundaries, the purpose of which is to manage your own well-being.  Case in point:  my example above, of how I set a boundary in conversations with my mom.

As for the topic of discovering one's own potential, I feel very fortunate by the fact that my mom actually supported education (because education and becoming an RN after nursing her mom through illness and death at the age of 14, probably saved my mom's life), so I was fortunate to have the opportunity to go to university because she actually wanted that for me.  I give her credit for that.  Once there, my eyes opened up to a whole new world in a hurry.  I got my degree and had a successful career.  But I never had time for "self-care" because the career was demanding (60+ hour work week), I had two kids to raise with all their activities, a house to manage, and a BPD mother that I catered to hand and foot.  Looking back, I think I was probably pretty enmeshed, and FOGged out.  So now that I'm retired and becoming detached from my mom, I am exploring new interests such as learning to paint (couldn't even draw a good stick man all my life), volunteering in my community in a variety of ways, and working on building strength and flexibility in my body before I age very badly the way she has (she falls all the time).  (I've always been small and weak, and had osteoporosis when I was 40 probably in part because of anorexic BPD mom who underfed me as a child, and attempted to poison me with body image issues when I was a teenager.)

I encourage you to make a bucket list of things you would like to try.  My first few paintings were REALLY REALLY bad, but I just keep trying because I'm just driven to work with colour.  I'm just in love with COLOUR!  Now my family  recognizes what I'm painting, and even "occasionally" tells me something looks good.  Honestly, I don't even care if they look good.  I just paint for fun and colour, and when I'm painting I forget about everything else, which is so awesome!
 If learning is your thing, maybe a continuing education course at a college could be an option, and see where that takes you.  When I was at university, there was a student there in her 80's getting a first degree. Who knows what her story was, but I'm sure she had one.  Start with a bucket list.  Whatever you pick, try to focus on whether it makes you feel good (the process), and not the "product" (my work at the gym has not changed how my body looks, but I am stronger, and I feel better during and after activity). My paintings will probably never hang on a wall, but I'm having fun exploring that new hobby and learning about colour.

You now have the freedom to do whatever you want.  Go exploring!

[Turkish]

My ex realized that her mother was like that Methuen.

One thing that I think initiated my ex going off the reservation was yet another of her dad's affairs.  My ex caught her dad in bed with another woman when she was six. All of the kids told tjeir mom to finally leave their dad. The other woman had eben showed up at the house demeaning their mom, telling her that why would their dad want her when he had a younger sexy woman.

In the end, their mother chose to stay in the marriage. Being a victim was her role, and she could continue to criticize her husband (admittedly, he deserved it) without taking any action on her own.  And my ex, starting as a young child in Mexico while their dad was working in the USA, was her mother's emotional confidant. 

At one point, my ex (by then) told me that sometimes she had to leave or not visit because her mom would just unload her own problems on her daughter.  Given an emotionally detached and violent father and a likely emotionally incestuous mother, their daughter's emotional needs as a person were never met. She never received healthy mirroring. No wonder she was angry!

When she first split from her husband, bemoaning paying almost $2k/ month to rent a one bedroom, I told her that moving back with her parents was an option. Her sister returned from another state with her little boy and did that. My ex was horrified, "I'd never hear the end of things from my mother!"

Her struggle is additionally complicated in that Mexican culture is like Old World and Eastern cultures: Motherhood is almost deified. And you defer to whatever your parents say no matter what. Patriarch first, then Matriarch. Familia is everything, but the family system in dysfunctional families spills blood that is implicitly forced to remain unseen.

[TelHill]

Hi TelHill,

I really enjoyed reading your post and hearing about your experience.

As women, we’ve made tremendous gains, as far as being taken seriously in attaining a college education. I met an older female doctor recently, and while we were chatting, she mentioned that she was the only female graduate of her class at medical school. So much has changed these last decades.

For me, I acknowledge that, even later in life, there are plenty of opportunities available to me (and that I witness examples of folks continuing to engage in meaningful pursuits post retirement). My issue lies in discovering what is meaningful to me. Obviously, this is a common issue, but I feel that children of BPD’s particularly struggle with finding their passion

You are welcome, Person2! I hope you find vocations and avocations which interest you.

This may be off base, but am mentioning in case you or others went through this. I suffered from anhedonia for some years as an adult. My mom stopped me from having hobbies as a kid. She thought I would die if I took swimming lessons, thought dogs and cats were dirty, refused to teach me to knit because I was too dumb to get it, etc.  Every request was shot down for some reason.  I got the message that I had to stay by my mom’s side and deserved no fun. I was successful in therapy in overcoming that to a good degree.

[Harri]

This thread reached the max post limit and has been locked and split.  The discussion continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343229.msg13100899#msg13100899

Thank you.