He can't be pleased

[eggshellfiancee]

My husband ( uBPD) cannot be loved. The more I try to love him, the further he pushes me away. We are at a point where we haven't slept in the same bed for most of the past year and I even left for a month because he told me I had to (only to then be mad that I followed through).

He cycles thorugh this frequently, only it used to be that when he came back up from the downs he idealized me. Now he just "tolerates" me when he's on an up.

Some examples:
He asked me EXPLICITLY not to so much as touch him - not to hug him, not to put my hand on him when we are out to dinner, nothing. And yet just now he texted me telling me that one of the ways he knows I dont love him is that I havent even tried to come into the bedroom he sleeps in to satisfy him physically. This after he has pushed me away when I've tried to touch him and has straight up told me that he has no desire to sleep with me.

I tell him I love him and he says I'm not allowed to say that anymore because it's self serving and manipulative.

he will tell me things he wants me to do to show that I love him, like take initiative on household duties that I have defaulted to him to do, etc. And then when I do that, he gets mad and says it's self serving and that I ultimately just want to make myself look good.

I don't know what else to do with him.

He gets really manic at times and like, the other day he was talking about moving and getting all excited about it and trying to get me excited. We literally JUST moved cross country a year ago and the only reason we would be moving is because he can make more money as an Uber driver in this other city - because he gave up on finding a full time job because "I'm just not motivated anymore and I like the schedule I have doing this." It was stressing me out, but I couldn't express the stress because then it would make me "self centered." So i just kindof sat there while he went on this manic rant.

I'm losing my mind. every time I think we are making progress - a few good days where we are being nice and spending time together and taling about the future, i'll be at work (like just now) and get a text telling me how awful I am and askng me never to come home again.

I've reached a point where I"m tuned out when he acts like this- becasue I know it will pass. it's clear he WANTS to be loved, but he will never let someone love him. I was friends with him through his previous relationships and saw how he pushed away the good ones and found reasons to blame them. It was one of the reasons I was hesitant to date him at first, but then once I did I thought he'd see that I"m not going anywhere. Almost four years later (and two of them married) here we are and I'm jut getting pushed further and further away.

I cant imagine a life without him in it, and I know it's just a desperate cry for help, but I no longer know how to help him. Even me saying "I want to help you feel better," becomes "oh, YOU WANT to help me, this isn't about what you want"

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can hear your exhaustion. The push pull is enough to give you whiplash.

I cant imagine a life without him in it, and I know it's just a desperate cry for help, but I no longer know how to help him. Even me saying "I want to help you feel better," becomes "oh, YOU WANT to help me, this isn't about what you want"

I read through your previous posts and you share pretty consistently that you want to work this out with him, but it seems like everything you try, fails. BPD is so hard on relationships. So hard.   

I'm fairly new to BPD so hopefully others will be along with wise advice and tools. In my abusive relationship, I found myself becoming smaller and smaller. He took more space, so I gave up mine. He needed, I sacrificed. He demanded, I stopped asking. I reached a point where I wanted space again but I'd backed up so far, I felt like I had no power left. Have you ever felt that way?

From what you've shared, you've been incredibly patient and loving. I'm so sorry you're accused of being the opposite. That's not what I see at all.

Big hugs. I hear you. Share more when you can.
pj

[eggshellfiancee]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can hear your exhaustion. The push pull is enough to give you whiplash.

I read through your previous posts and you share pretty consistently that you want to work this out with him, but it seems like everything you try, fails. BPD is so hard on relationships. So hard.   

I'm fairly new to BPD so hopefully others will be along with wise advice and tools. In my abusive relationship, I found myself becoming smaller and smaller. He took more space, so I gave up mine. He needed, I sacrificed. He demanded, I stopped asking. I reached a point where I wanted space again but I'd backed up so far, I felt like I had no power left. Have you ever felt that way?

From what you've shared, you've been incredibly patient and loving. I'm so sorry you're accused of being the opposite. That's not what I see at all.

Big hugs. I hear you. Share more when you can.
pj

Thank you - I'm really trying to make it work. He is truly a good hearted person wrapped up in so much hurt. I obviously only end up posting the bad stuff here because I come here when I need support or to vent, but he is a truly kind person. He is the type of person that scans a room looking for the person no one is talking to and approaches that person to make them feel welcome. Even when he's pissed at me he makes sure I have coffee in the morning or that I have the things I need to get through the day.

[eggshellfiancee]

Here's what just happened - all day today he's texting me that he wants me not to come home if I cant list for him all of the ways I've "worked on things" and prove to him everything I say I'm doing for him, etc... and that he's also cancelling our plans this weekend becuae he doesn't want to be around me. I have learned to sortof disengage from such behavior. Not to be reactionary - like, old me would have gone ahead and re-sold the ticket to the event we hve tickets for (because I know someone who wants them and they're expensive), but I didn't. I just kindof held out.

Then sure enough I got a text form him stating "Just forget everything. I can't win and fighting for what I need is futile. forget this whole conversation. it's pointless."

Yes, it is. you telling me how horrible I am is definitely pointless and isn't going to get you what you need. You spending time with me will.

[pursuingJoy]

He is truly a good hearted person wrapped up in so much hurt. He is the type of person that scans a room looking for the person no one is talking to and approaches that person to make them feel welcome. Even when he's pissed at me he makes sure I have coffee in the morning or that I have the things I need to get through the day.

This warmed my heart. I love that even when you're hurting, you appreciate that he has some great qualities. It makes total sense why you're invested.

What if we take the latest texts and think tank.

He sent the emotionally needy, albeit unfair and demanding texts.
You remained calm because you've learned not to kneejerk react.  

He came back and, in his way, retracted the message, which on some level indicates some understanding that he was wrong. I see an effort to self-soothe.

He didn't apologize for how it made you feel, his retraction sounds hopeless, he sounds overwhelmed with his emotions, but he did backtrack.  

I know this is hard work. He's not where you need him to be, and sometimes small steps are frustrating because they come at a time when you need them to be so much bigger. I wonder if there's something we can do with his effort, somehow reinforce the behavior, to push the needle in a better direction.

Or maybe there's nothing to do but simply accept what is and take time to really build you up so that you have the strength you need. What do you think?

 

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Eggshell,

I am new here and still figuring out how to manage my uBPDH, so can’t offer advice.

That said, I did want to let you know I’ve had that same conversation with my H about making a list of what I’ve done for him (tons, not that he would see)/what I can or will do to prove my love/reasons he should stay. They are painful and confusing and for me, drive a wedge which seems counterintuitive to his need for a list. I have been made to feel like I haven’t been enough or done enough, but that’s not true. I am FAR from perfect but I am kind and compassionate and will help.

So, really no advice but wanted to let you know you are not alone and this scenario has played out for me too!

Just a little funny on the canceling plans in dramatic fashion.  My H was getting to the point when we’d take a vacation he would start midway thru with the vacation is over (he was bummed to go back to work), that then became a couple days in and the vacation was over. This last time, he was complaining about it almost before it started. Ugh, do you hear yourself?  I just ignore it now, but honestly it still takes a toll. Another way someone or something didn’t live up to his expectations.

You are not alone!