Quiet BPD friend

[LonelyOne616]

Hi.
I've been lurking here for a while and I saw some posts recently about relationships with people who had quiet BPD. Thought I'd join in, I'd like to vent.
He and I were (online) friends for years. Initially it was all great, he even wanted us to be together. But at some point he changed his mind and only wanted us to be friends, which I was fine with. And so we continued as friends for a few months.
Then he simply disappeared. No goodbye message, no nothing. I was heartbroken, kept asking myself what had happened. After a few weeks of blaming myself for it all, I sent him a friend request which was accepted. He didn't exactly explain it but he did say it was his fault and asked if we could still be friends. I still loved him so I obviously said yes.
It was really great... for some time. Fast forward to this time a year ago, he stopped responding to messages. He'd sometimes ignore some of my attempts at communication, so I didn't think too much of it, but at some point I realised something is wrong. I openly asked if everything was still ok between us 'cause I noticed he was withdrawing. I was left on "read".
I tried to reach out a few more times over the course of next months to no avail. Finally I gave up, sent him a long goodbye letter and ended this friendship. The problem is, I can't seem to detach from him. I keep thinking of him almost every day, I  wonder how he is, whether he's happy, whether he ever thinks of me, etc.
I just wanted to vent, I guess. Sorry it was long. I'd appreciate any insight.
Last thing: he was never diagnosed, at least as far as I know. But he did have the symptoms from what I gather.
Thanks for reading
Darkness

[once removed]

hi Darkness, and

it sounds like this was a choice that, after a lot of thought and care, was still hard on you.

it sounds like there may have been some feelings here that complicated things?

do you think you want to be friends with him again?

[LonelyOne616]

Yes, I still care deeply for him. If I had been given a choice,  I wouldn't have let this friendship die like that.
I guess what I don't understand is how he can change from "I can't imagine life without you" to "you aren't even worth a response". :/
I think I wouldn't let myself get that close to him again if he messaged me, but I'd be happy to talk. Fool me one, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice...
Darkness

[once removed]

I guess what I don't understand is how he can change from "I can't imagine life without you" to "you aren't even worth a response". :/

this is one of the hardest and most painful things for someone who loves someone else with BPD traits. quite often, you are either the best person in the world, or the worst.

and regardless of all of that, it really hurts to lose a long term friend, with zero explanation.

[LonelyOne616]

Thank you for the reply, Once Removed.

I got a random message yesterday, a message I didn't expect. I immediately thought it was him, and I opened it as soon as I could. It wasn't him, obviously, .
I kinda wish he told me to PLEASE READ off or something rude or mean. Then I'd be 100% sure that's how he feels. Simply "not being worth a response" makes you question everything, and not in the right way. Goddamn.