Indifference

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Its been a few months since I have been on these boards, probably been burying my head in the sand or planning for my retirement in a couple of months but I think I have also realised slowly but surely that 'indifference' has crept into my thinking.

I have lived with my pwBPD for 15 years, during which time we have had our fair share of ups and downs, he accepts he has the illness, has 'toyed' with therapy but always opted out before it has been effective. I have done my best to be supportive but also holding onto my values and beliefs although I confess at times doing 'anything for a quiet life' - not a good attitude with BPD.

I have 'enjoyed' the coping mechanism of my career which often takes me away from home and hobbies that keep me grounded and on the whole apart from the occasional crisis (usually when I could do with support or help) things have been OK - just OK, and I have accepted the illness for what it is and tried my best to be supportive whilst ensuring I did not become 'enmeshed' (maintaining contact with family & friends even though this is seen as threatening to my partner.

Over the past few weeks his condition has deteriorated or maybe just follows a familiar pattern and I have no doubt my impending retirement plays its part.

Last week (away with work) i got a long call explaining how he is indifferent to me and everyone else and wants to pursue his own life, he had not slept for 48 hours and I did not react merely saying that this was not something we could discuss on the phone but we could talk when i got back. No discussion took place face to face as he simply stated that I should ignore his comments as he was not thinking straight.

Now today, same call but with the addition that he never wants to see anyone, that our planned holiday to celebrate my retirement is something that he does not want to come on and that he would be better off never seeing anyone again.
Again rather than reacting I simply said I am home in a couple of days so if you want to talk things through we can, reaction was 'whats the point'.

Now I could feel angry, upset or emotional but to be honest just feel cold and yes indifferent. I have no desire to talk through with this dysfunctional thinking and frankly have no compassion anymore - I used to love him but now begin to realise that I don't - I deserve better and think its maybe the time to move on.

Indifference is stronger than anger or hate, I just do not care anymore and whilst at one level that hurts at another its a kind of relief.

[ortac77]

Its been a few months since I have been on these boards, probably been burying my head in the sand or planning for my retirement in a couple of months but I think I have also realised slowly but surely that 'indifference' has crept into my thinking.

I have lived with my pwBPD for 15 years, during which time we have had our fair share of ups and downs, he accepts he has the illness, has 'toyed' with therapy but always opted out before it has been effective. I have done my best to be supportive but also holding onto my values and beliefs although I confess at times doing 'anything for a quiet life' - not a good attitude with BPD.

I have 'enjoyed' the coping mechanism of my career which often takes me away from home and hobbies that keep me grounded and on the whole apart from the occasional crisis (usually when I could do with support or help) things have been OK - just OK, and I have accepted the illness for what it is and tried my best to be supportive whilst ensuring I did not become 'enmeshed' (maintaining contact with family & friends even though this is seen as threatening to my partner.

Over the past few weeks his condition has deteriorated or maybe just follows a familiar pattern and I have no doubt my impending retirement plays its part.

Last week (away with work) i got a long call explaining how he is indifferent to me and everyone else and wants to pursue his own life, he had not slept for 48 hours and I did not react merely saying that this was not something we could discuss on the phone but we could talk when i got back. No discussion took place face to face as he simply stated that I should ignore his comments as he was not thinking straight.

Now today, same call but with the addition that he never wants to see anyone, that our planned holiday to celebrate my retirement is something that he does not want to come on and that he would be better off never seeing anyone again.
Again rather than reacting I simply said I am home in a couple of days so if you want to talk things through we can, reaction was 'whats the point'.

Now I could feel angry, upset or emotional but to be honest just feel cold and yes indifferent. I have no desire to talk through with this dysfunctional thinking and frankly have no compassion anymore - I used to love him but now begin to realise that I don't - I deserve better and think its maybe the time to move on.

Indifference is stronger than anger or hate, I just do not care anymore and whilst at one level that hurts at another its a kind of relief.

[Cat Familiar]

I can understand how after many years, you can run out of sympathy for the never ending mental chaos pwBPD can create. And when presented with the newest iteration of his drama, you've run out of cares.

Your life is going to profoundly change with retirement and it's likely that is worrisome for both of you knowing that it will disrupt a familiar pattern.

It makes sense that with this transition you might want to seriously rethink whether or not you'd like to continue this relationship, as you've realized that it's not as fulfilling as you had once hoped.

His language however is concerning. Do you think that he might feel suicidal?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Ortac-

Yea... I’m sorry... though I can feel the calmness in your words at this point.  Almost as if your indifference and resignation are spilling through. 

I guess it gets to the point where we’re so used to validating everything all the time, that what’s the big deal in validating that a partner wants to leave?  Ok, let me help you leave... please... leave.  Just leave.  Then you begin to PRAY that your SO holds the thought that they want to leave the relationship.

I think it’s amazing you’ve been able to maintain contact with family and friends over the last 15 years in spite of objections from your pwBPD.  You know MANY nons become extremely isolated.

You’re the strong one, Ortac, the “leader” in this relationship.  Maybe with the change in your circumstances- your retirement, it’s time to REALLY decide how you want the next phase of your life to look.

If you’ve entered into indifference (completely understandable), what DO you want?

And how do you think your SO will behave with you being home all the time? 

How will your freedom and choices be affected going forward?

What does your partner do with HIS time?

Let’s talk.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

 

[ortac77]

Hi Cat & Gems

Thank you for the reply, I really appreciate it.

Firstly, no I don't think he is suicidal, this language is familiar to me having heard it many times - it does not imply suicidal more like a child sulking when he cannot get his own way - problem being he/therefore I don't know what he wants anyway and any attempt to elicit information is, from experience, pointless!

So point one of indifference for me is I am not a mind reader so if he cannot/will not communicate there is little point in talking.

The problem being that he does nothing, has no real friends or when he does they last only until the 'mask slips'. He usually sleeps during the day & is awake all night spending most of his time on the computer. We do occasionally go out together and he seems to enjoy it when we do but more often any plans to go get changed at the last minute - I used to get upset, now I just go on my own.

So point two of indifference is that whilst I would still prefer his company I have had to get used to doing things myself, if he stays home & sulks that really is not my problem anymore.

We had a lovely holiday which we both enjoyed back in December and talked about a holiday to celebrate my retirement but now I am told he does not want to go ...anywhere/ever and bizarrely that its because of Coronavirus! This however is normal with plans - he seems keen when we talk about it, then tells me I am making him do something he never wanted to but as the event approaches he has always come on holiday.

So point three - as his worries make little sense (we aren't going to China!) and I am 'blamed' for making him do something he does not want to I am actually indifferent to him coming on my retirement trip. Although deep down it hurts because in my 'non' way of thinking we do things to support those we love especially when it is a significant milestone in their life.

I have made a point of keeping in touch with friends/family despite attempts to prevent me although I always have to meet them at theirs or neutral ground as although understanding of my situation they have all experienced his black side therefore have no desire to see him.

Retirement is of course a big change for me, after over 40 years working in a highly engaging and satisfying career I have had to carefully mentally prepare for the change, thus have started a couple of voluntary jobs and plan to try some hobbies which hitherto I have not had the time. I am thus not going to be around the house all day which would not suit me at all. However I do approach it with some trepidation and a realistic assessment that it may take some time to adjust.

I have of course tried to engage on this but am met by his 'indifference' - "do what you want - whatever" being a favourite phrase. Of course that changes when he 'needs' something and historically I have usually given in to those needs for a quiet life - and yes I know that never works.

The truth of course is that now my income will be reduced in retirement and he no longer has the house to himself so much he resents, if anything I suspect he will just isolate more and spend more time engaging in his mythical physical illnesses and downloading crap onto his computer. In reality he will never willingly move out given he has a comfortable home to live in and no real responsibility - something I regret in hindsight but that was before I knew the real Jekyll & Hyde behind BPD.

For me, at 65 years old I just want a peaceful but fulfilling retirement and believe I am already making steps towards this, volunteering, new hobbies and yes some travel plans, one life and I don't want to waste it. I know that all of these will cause resentment on his part although he will portray feined indifference knowing that is his best tool to upset me, which is probably why I have come to realise that being subjected to it for so long has resulted in:-

Point 4 - it has made me realise that actually I am indifferent to him, its his choice to live his life the way he does, no amount of care/love on my part will make any difference as he will not help himself.

I have suggested that if he finds living with me uncomfortable he might consider making life on his own.I am more than happy to validate his choice to leave and in fact actively encourage it, what becomes of him in the future cannot be my concern anymore although its going to be hard work and I await the manipulative and threatening behaviours that lie barely concealed under the surface because he is not stupid and has had it too good for too long.

For me easy does it - it is hard for me to come to terms with but I have come to realise that life without a partner is almost certainly better than a life with one who drains.

Ortac

[Cat Familiar]

So you’re coming to realize that there’s not much of a partnership there and that he’s been getting basically a free ride with you for many years and that he would be reluctant to give that up willingly.

You’re off to new adventures in your retirement and are realizing that a partner who constantly creates drama perhaps is less desirable that being alone.

Looking down the road five years from now, how do you visualize your life?

[ortac77]

Hi Cat

Pretty much sums up my feelings at the moment.

As for visualising 5 years ahead I find that quite difficult, retirement being a big change I find it hard to visualise 5 months ahead :-)

However adopting a principle of 'one day at a time' and 'take it easy' helps - by which I mean I am trying out some new hobbies and also courses to ensure that I maintain both mental/physical activity but also social engagement. Where those might lead we will see but they are opportunities to find me, something I am aware that has got a bit lost by spending too much time focussing on both work and more on the constant roller coaster of dealing with BPD.

As for relationship, well I am feeling that the main relationship that matters at the moment is the one with myself, not in a narcissistic way but in understanding that I have spent far too much time trying to help another and that has been at great personal cost to my own needs.

I am not at my age looking for anything other than understanding and companionship and I will not get that with my partner sadly, I have to let go the desire that he may change.

[CHChuck]

Ortac - I can see your calm wisdom in your words. You possess an energy I am trying to acquire in my interactions with my pwBPD. 

About 6 years ago, in an effort to have a career of my own and to provide her an outlet as a professional, I founded a nonprofit organization. Consequently, we spent a large portion of most days together. My escape was travel for work, but I was met with substantial backlash when I'd get home.

My major point is our relationship took a huge turn for the worse when I started spending more time at home. While our organization is changing lives for the better around the World, our relationship has suffered greatly, maybe beyond repair.

I am finding ways to get out of the house or be away from the office most days now. I hope seeing each other less and my developing better communication strategies will help. I love that you are planning to be out of the house as well.

[ortac77]

Wisdom - well maybe? I think of it more as an internal battle! That of course is due to FOG and what I acknowledge now very much as my co-dependence and I find it very hard to change.

Indifference is perhaps a 'stepping- stone' to find my way out of the FOG, for too long I have, perhaps sub-consciously absorbed the ...lets be frank here ... abuse I have experienced from my pwBPD. I say abuse because it is emotional abuse and I have no doubt at times retaliated in kind.

Whilst there is little sign of the rages from the past the 'silent treatment' 'eye rolling' and just downright refusal to accept any responsibility has got me to the point that I just don't care about him anymore. That been hard for me to acknowledge after 15 years but it reaches a point when I know I have gone as far along a road as I can - approaching retirement has perhaps brought some clarity as I no longer have my work as an escape.

We had a holiday booked in April to celebrate my retirement, I have cancelled it as I realise I don't want to spend that time with him, I have reached the 'end point' before and usually my co-dependence has won and I have backtracked and we have limped forward for a while before it all happens again.

I feel that is no longer an option, this is about me clearly seeing my default position as wrong, that I am worth a lot more and that my future cannot be one of just limping along and putting up with it.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s good to have clarity about what you want for your retirement years. How do you envision the next steps?

[ortac77]

Hi Cat
Well after days/weeks of the silent treatment and passive aggressive behaviour the straw that broke the camels back was last night. Having returned from a stressful weekends work I was treated to a cacophony of noise designed to disturb my sleep. He said he wanted to upset my sleep as revenge for disturbing his ... quite how when I was away!
I have said enough, told him that I no longer wish to have him in my life, that I have cancelled the holiday and that I do not include him in any of my future plans.
So I envision some nastiness in return given his history or maybe he will self harm - in either event the police or emergency service will be called.
I can longer do this and really would rather move forward on
My own and am reading up on the advice on ending relationship with BPD

[Cat Familiar]

Have you looked into that book by Bill Eddy Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

[ortac77]

Thanks for that Cat - I will get a copy