Feel lost Questions about help

[Lstrayed]

Hi! I have heard that sometimes people who have a family member with bpd or npd go to al-anon meetings for help. I was wondering if anyone has ever done that here? If so..did you find it helpful? I have ubpd mom and my father is also an alcoholic. He was sober most of my life but I know the alcoholic dynamics run deep and I come from a long line of alcoholism/addiction/dysfunctional family history. I honestly believe my mom chose my Dad because he was an alcoholic and he was easy to control. I have given up on him and have no relationship with him because he is nothing more than her puppet at this point. Im hoping maybe al anon will help even though most of my issues are with my mom and her bpd. We are also struggling right now with my husbands side of the family. He comes from a very dysfunctional family also. His Dad is currently stage 4 cancer. It is absolutely devastating! However, it has also opened up more contact and more caretaking than we can handle. My husbands Dad was the caretaker for EVERYONE in his family! His parents, his wife, and his ADULT kids. My husband is the only one who left. His siblings are middle aged and still at home financially and physically/emotionally dependent on thier parents. Im afraid when his Dad passes all of that burden will be put on my husband! Before his Dad got really sick he made my husband promise to take care of his mom and ADULT sisters! We have 3 CHILDREN of our own! Between this situation and the situation with my parents I feel SO lost and depleted right now! I have always felt like I was left to figure life out with NO guidance whatsoever! Ive done ok...my kids are amazing, funny, smart, happy! But I CAN'T take care of ANYONE else! I am used up! I have been used since I was a child! I was my moms caretaker and therapist since I was tiny kid! Now Im 32 with 3 kids to take care of...and both sides of our family need us in ways that aren't healthy! I cant take care of my parents or his parents or adult sisters! I have NO energy left. I went to the same therapist for about 6 years after my brothers suicide and dealt with alot of these issues with her as well. At a certain point we lost our insurance. When I went back to her she seemed overbooked and overworked and uninterested. I quit therapy at that point. I recently tried a few different new ones. I feel like they have no clue! I DONT mean to sound as if Im bashing therapy because I KNOW I probably wouldnt even be here right now without the years of therapy I have had and the LIBRARY of self help books I have read! It works WHEN you have the right one! I just cant seem to find that! Im almost humiliated to unravel the layers of dysfunction to these people as they sit there taking notes! I feel like Im ripping open wounds then sent home to deal with that alone until the next appointment. I have found alot of solace here on this board. I havent always participated but just knowing other people are working as hard as me to be better makes me feel less alone. Thats why I wondered about al anon or some sort of group where everyone has been through the ringer! In my life right now I feel like its just me and so I suffer in silence! Im trying to surround myself with healthy friends but I feel like Im faking it around them! And if they really knew what Im dealing with or how messed up things have been they would run for the hills! I didnt mean for this to turn into a rant...but it did! I just know Im TRYING SO HARD to be ok and it feels like Im the only one trying this hard and Im not feeling like Im succeeding! I know I need help right now..but I dont know where to turn!

[Harri]

Hi.  I haven't gone to Alanon but I know members who have and they have done very well getting support from the meetings.

Don't underestimate the help you can get by posting here too.  I did a lot of healing and learned a lot by posting on this board over the years and I am still learning.  The board, like therapy or al anon work best when used consistently, even when things are going well.

I wish I had more specific info about the meetings to share with you.  You can get a feel for the meeting format by checking them out online.

Try this link and see how you do:
https://www.the-alcoholism-guide.org/alanon-meeting-online.html

[Methuen]

Hi LStrayed

I'm sorry you are going through this - it sounds like an incredibly heavy load - too much to have time to look after your own well-being.

Before his Dad got really sick he made my husband promise to take care of his mom and ADULT sisters!

What does your H think about this?  Does he want to take this on?  Does he believe it is his responsibility, or does he feel resentment, or that it was an unfair demand by his father?  (I'm assuming by your language that it was a demand, and not something your H volunteered to.)  

Are you and your H both feeling the same, or do you and H have different feelings about how much he can be available for all those family issues (and still be available for his own family)?

When my mom was 14, her mother died from cancer, but before she died, she "made" my mother (14 yrs old), promise to always take care of her 8 year old sister.  Their father was a horrible abuser (physically, sexually, emotionally).  My mom did the best she could (she's uBPD), but decades ago she told me her mother should have never "made" her make a promise like that because it was unfair.  I have to agree.  It's FOGing, rather than a decision made of one's own free will.  In your H's case, his siblings are adults.  Seems to me those adults have a free will to exercise their own autonomy, even when the decisions made may be bad
 or unhealthy ones.  

[Mata]

Hi Lstrayed.
 I have not tried alanon, but I go to a weekly NAMI support group for family members of people affected by mental illness.
It has been really helpful. Maybe this would also be an option for you.  www.nami.org

[Lstrayed]

Harri- Thank you for the link. I registered for an online meeting coming up. Im going to give it a try first and then try out the in person meeting next week.

Mata-Thank you for the info about NAMI groups. I honestly never even knew they exsisted! There is a meeting near by and I think I might give that a try as well!

Methuen- Thanks for your reply. To answer your questions about how my husband feels about it all... I think he is in heavy FOG right now. When he initially told me about what his Dad said my reply was that we would help them in any ways that we can..but we do NOT have the time or financial means to "take care of them." I explained that while losing his Dad would be hard they will survive it and need to learn how to take care of themselves at this stage of life. We can be there for them in healthy ways but I will NOT take care of 3 capable adults. He initially agreed with me. At this point we have watched his Dad suffer for YEARS and as time goes on his guilt and feelings of obligation have inevitably increased..his mom, aunt and one sister are also very manipulative. The treatments havent worked and we are now at the end. He doesnt want to talk much about any of it but he has broken down a few times and told me how worried he is for them. His family has hoarding issues and my husband has tried to offer help since this all began. The issue is...none of them want to do anything. They also have had financial issues. I feel they will try to put all of this in his lap and I suppose I will handle that when the time comes. Im trying to support him and his decisions as much as I can right now. I know this is SO difficult for him and he is doing his best to do the right things. The issue is in situations like these its so easy to let down all those boundaries that were once built and get sucked in! Its difficult to know what the right thing to do is in a situation like this! I agree that his Dad should have never said that to him. Im trying to remind myslef that he didnt/doesnt know any better. He was the caretaker of his sick mother and alcoholic father. I know he loves my husband and his sisters and did the best he could..and is actually a really good man. He unfortunately didnt know he was worth more than taking care of everyone else and drowning himself. I see so much of myself in him and seeing it all unfold has been a sort of cautionary tale for me. Im trying to allow my husband the space to make his own decisions about how to handle all this..but I WILL draw a line once his Dad has passed if I need to. Im just so worn out by it all!