Starting to talk again after an episode

[CTMuse4277]

I suspect my roommate, who is also an ex, has borderline.  We haven't been officially together for quite awhile but boundaries have never felt settled.  After 3 years and some pretty fierce escalations I finally started researching what might be the issue.  She never dealt with things in ways that made sense to me and never seemed to even understand the concept that I might be upset with her.  After coming across a few YouTube videos and then most of the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" I found myself nodding to every checklist describing a person with borderline and how it feels to be close to someone with borderline.  I know I can't diagnose but everything I've read or heard describes my situation perfectly. 

I've read a lot of the strategies for how to diffuse situations and I feel like I understand them but when faced with them in reality I don't feel strong enough to implement them.  Holding my ground when boundaries are broken and saying "no" when she asks for things I don't feel okay giving feels like putting myself at real risk.  Staying calm and listening to her seems to make her angry because she can't read me so she has to provoke a reaction...which inevitably destroys any good that listening was doing in the first place.  I can see the struggle she faces not being in control of how she feels and I can even see her try to do things differently sometimes but it feels like even trying to encourage that tends to backfire.  I don't feel like I can just honestly talk to her which is how I've always dealt with conflict.  The only way I've been able to successfully avoid violent or self destructive rages is to remove myself from the situation...which of course triggers abandonment and makes it worse in the long run. 

Right now I'm in my office at 9pm because I fought with her after she went through my phone while I was in the shower yesterday.  A friend I hadn't talked to for 2 years texted me and we talked for a bit to catch up.  This caused intense jealousy when she saw the messages and the result was me running as fast as I could to work while my roommate screamed out the door, then a slew of texts lashing out.  I didn't even get a chance to talk to her about it, the jealous reaction was all I got.  I told her that I was blocking her number for the day while I was at work.  Later that evening (I have a regular activity that night so I usually don't get home until after 10pm) I told her that it wasn't okay that she went through my phone or the way she brought up the issue but that I wished she would talk to me about those things instead of go behind my back and she has yet to respond.  We live together but don't usually see each other on Friday morning but it is now Friday night and I don't want to go home knowing there's an inevitable fight waiting for me.  even if I could avoid it tonight we both have off tomorrow.  I've sent her a couple messages but no response, which ultimately gives me more anxiety.  I can't keep doing this.

I think what I really need is time to get back to being myself and maybe some support.  I've let old friends slip away and kept any new ones at a pretty solid arm's length.  We moved several states away a couple years ago and neither of us have close friends in the area.  I have my own triggers as well now; as soon as I hear the tone of her voice change and all I want to do is find an exit.  I think if I could build myself back up I might be able to handle this better but any effort to do that is quickly met with effort on her part to break me back down.  Understanding her situation helps with compassion and forgiveness but doesn't do much to repair the damage afterward and she doesn't really seem to understand the consequences of her actions either.  What do I do in the mean time when I'm trying to learn the skills to diffuse the situation?  How do I help someone that I can't even be honest with because how I actually feel is a trigger for her?  How do I go back to living my own life without abandoning this person I care about that can't even handle me having a conversation with an old friend?

Thank you for reading this, just that much helps.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.