Need some help

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've read alot of the other post on here and feel like it might be cathartic to get my story off my chest. I've had to block my ex today and it hurts like hell, but I cannot take the disrespect anymore, and it's affecting my mental health now and I have to let it go.

He opened up to ways that he hadn't with anyone else, I was only one of a few that knew he had BPD, so I constantly made allowences for the things he did. For example, he once got jealous as we were at a party and I was dancing and chatting to everyone, the next time I saw him he walked past me holding another girls hand. I didn't want to cause a scene so I left, the next day I asked him what that was about, and he said I had been 'acting like dirt and he felt nothing for me cos I was trying to make him jealous all night'. Many of the people I was talking to were couples. This threw me for a loop, but I forgave him, I didn't want him to feel like I was abandoning him, maybe I wanted to prove that I could handle the BPD? But this was just the start of a rollercoaster.

There were many more instances of that, for his birthday I spent a fortune and made sure he had a great day, for my birthday I just got 'Happy Birthday'. I wasn't bothered about the money, but the lack of effort hurt. I didnt reply to his message for 12 hours as I needed a break, and when I did he cancelled our Christmas plans and said I had been playing games. I asked why it was okay for him to go days without speaking to me, but if I reply late he'll cancel Christmas. He said he always replys or apologises if he doesnt, which isn't true. But I started to doubt my own sanity, but I stayed with it, until he just didn't reply one day, and I was sick of chasing. So we hadn't spoke for a month when he pops up yesterday, I asked if this was him trying to talk to me again and he left me on read.

I've blocked him now, it'll stop my healing having him pop up unexpectedly again. I'm torn with how I feel, I feel like he should apologize, but I'll never ask and he won't admit he was wrong, he'll turn it around to be my fault somehow. Hopefully, I won't bump into him though.

I was debating sending him a message about how to treat me, but I've had about 4 serious talks about how he needs to respect me if he wants me to respect him. So I didn't bother, he clearly doesn't care or cannot understand my feelings.

I had a disagreement with his only close friend before, as the friend thinks make up is women's manipulating men. My ex agreed, so we had a tiff and the friend thinks I'm a 'stupid, loud mouth b*tch' so that should have been alarm bells too.

It ended up me being very co depenant and putting his needs before mine all the times. It helps reading others stories to know that I'm not the only one.

I hope he knows that I loved him, and I want nothing but the absolute best for him. It's amazing how much the good times made me forget all the bad sides. I feel like I'm giving up on him, but how much more can one person endure?

I always tried to hold him accountable for his actions, and now it's time I hold myself accountable for mine, I allowed this to happen and now it's my responsibility to heal myself.

If anyone has any advice to help the pain go away, I would be eternally grateful xx

[Jellyfish]

I've read alot of the other post on here and feel like it might be cathartic to get my story off my chest. I've had to block my ex today and it hurts like hell, but I cannot take the disrespect anymore, and it's affecting my mental health now and I have to let it go.

He opened up to ways that he hadn't with anyone else, I was only one of a few that knew he had BPD, so I constantly made allowences for the things he did. For example, he once got jealous as we were at a party and I was dancing and chatting to everyone, the next time I saw him he walked past me holding another girls hand. I didn't want to cause a scene so I left, the next day I asked him what that was about, and he said I had been 'acting like dirt and he felt nothing for me cos I was trying to make him jealous all night'. Many of the people I was talking to were couples. This threw me for a loop, but I forgave him, I didn't want him to feel like I was abandoning him, maybe I wanted to prove that I could handle the BPD? But this was just the start of a rollercoaster.

There were many more instances of that, for his birthday I spent a fortune and made sure he had a great day, for my birthday I just got 'Happy Birthday'. I wasn't bothered about the money, but the lack of effort hurt. I didnt reply to his message for 12 hours as I needed a break, and when I did he cancelled our Christmas plans and said I had been playing games. I asked why it was okay for him to go days without speaking to me, but if I reply late he'll cancel Christmas. He said he always replys or apologises if he doesnt, which isn't true. But I started to doubt my own sanity, but I stayed with it, until he just didn't reply one day, and I was sick of chasing. So we hadn't spoke for a month when he pops up yesterday, I asked if this was him trying to talk to me again and he left me on read.

I've blocked him now, it'll stop my healing having him pop up unexpectedly again. I'm torn with how I feel, I feel like he should apologize, but I'll never ask and he won't admit he was wrong, he'll turn it around to be my fault somehow. Hopefully, I won't bump into him though.

I was debating sending him a message about how to treat me, but I've had about 4 serious talks about how he needs to respect me if he wants me to respect him. So I didn't bother, he clearly doesn't care or cannot understand my feelings.

I had a disagreement with his only close friend before, as the friend thinks make up is women's manipulating men. My ex agreed, so we had a tiff and the friend thinks I'm a 'stupid, loud mouth b*tch' so that should have been alarm bells too.

It ended up me being very co depenant and putting his needs before mine all the times. It helps reading others stories to know that I'm not the only one.

I hope he knows that I loved him, and I want nothing but the absolute best for him. It's amazing how much the good times made me forget all the bad sides. I feel like I'm giving up on him, but how much more can one person endure?

I always tried to hold him accountable for his actions, and now it's time I hold myself accountable for mine, I allowed this to happen and now it's my responsibility to heal myself.

If anyone has any advice to help the pain go away, I would be eternally grateful xx

[otherlife]

Hi Jellyfish
I am sorry your going through this but no one can answer your question about feeling as if your giving up on him.   I think all the ex's have all felt that and in my humble opinion that's comes from a caring person who loves someone that at the moment is impossible to reach.  I asked myself that so many times and still have some residual guilt because I have compassion for the struggle PWBDP have.
 you stated
It ended up me being very co depenant and putting his needs before mine all the times. It helps reading others stories to know that I'm not the only one.

I think many of us became co-dependent because we focused so much on trying to fix our partners for two reasons, 1. it was difficult to watch someone in so much pain and confusion,  2, we loved them and wanted to get back to the beginning state of the relationship.  Many stories on this board demonstrate this is not possible, some find some half way place to have a different relationship but as to how much intimacy and true connection is in them is impossible to say. Only those in those relationships can measure that.  I tried for many many years but the goal posts constantly changed at first I knew nothing about BDP.  It is only now with knowledge and hindsight that I recognise that someone without a core sense of self is constantly looking for that self and will mirror people in their search.  It is truly tragic, lost wounded individuals who copy other people traits to try to become more whole and find acceptance, peace and love. 
When they start to feel attached it fills them with fear of abandonment, so we try to support and they push and pull.  At that point our co dependant behaviours develop which can in turn create engulfment fears in the PWBDP as they feel they are losing themselves.  They pull away, we pull back, they come back, they miss read or redifine situations so we pull away or pull back and so the cycle continues until one breaks away as the situation often becomes toxic.   
My ex knew something was wrong but claimed he could fix himself, he would not consider any form of therapy.  For me it was heartbreaking, if I set a boundary I was controlling, if I said to him to make his own choices it backfired as he blamed me for 'allowing'  him to do something.  Eg he wanted a new car, didnt need one but wanted one, he went on and on so much in the end I said get one if you want.  He did but one month later when the payment was due he asked me why I let him buy the new car, why didn't I stop him?  I was dammed if I did and dammed if I didn't.
I could also tell which friends he was associating with by his manners, actions and comments. He believed or trusted them more than me as the relationship deteriorated, so your comment below really resonated with me, you wrote 

I had a disagreement with his only close friend before, as the friend thinks make up is women's manipulating men. My ex agreed, so we had a tiff and the friend thinks I'm a 'stupid, loud mouth b*tch' so that should have been alarm bells too.

My ex's close friend told me my ex was a fool he had a diamond of a wife but he should never have married me.  He went on to say we were different cultures, different backgrounds etc and I was too observant for my own good.    He went on to say he should have married a village woman who would know her place.  He also had two other friends one was getting divorced and another had just become a father.  Well put the three together and where are we now, 2.5 yrs after split?
My ex is living with his new partner and had two children with a third on the way and not being very amicable in the divorce.  I  went NC in the first 3 months due to my health issues arising from the split, then he tried to become friends again but I still needed space however he did not tell me about his village woman ( sorry this is such a derogative term , not mine the friends) was already pregnant with child no one.
Its been a hard journey for me especially as I cant have children but I am starting to come out the other end.  something told me to go NC with everyone we associated with so I isolated myself and started to fix myself.  I dont know where my life will take me, yes I miss the man I thought he was and do have feelings for that man but I know I am not under constant anxiety or stress wondering about the relationship.  I do not feel any resentment towards the new woman, I suspect she is the womb I did not have.  I also suspect that life will not be easy for them all, its a little family now that is dealing with this monster BDP but I didn't create it.  I wanted so much for him to get help but he knew better. I dont know if the children are wanted for the right reasons or if they fulfill his abandonment needs.  I sometimes hope I  was just the wrong person for him and that triggered his BDP, I hope for the childrens sake they are happy.  However I feel I am still living in fantasy land (because I want him/them to be happy)and if I am then thanks to his friends and his choices all are in for a bumpy ride.  I sincerely hope that if the latter is correct he does at least try some form of treatment.  I am not filled with hate or anger, just compassion for them all.  At first I felt so very guilty still do at times as often think now with hindsight that perhaps things could have been handled differently.  The positive for me is that I am starting to find myself and starting to plan my dreams again.  I am still on that journey but progressing with decisions I make on my own without worrying about putting someone else first.

So I come back to you and ask you to really think what are your needs can this person meet your needs, can you meet theirs.  I think truly answering this question will give you some form of direction.  I wish I could have given you a more positive response, maybe others can but I have given you a true account of the illness coupled with 'well meaning friends' as in my case.  I hope you find the outcome you want, but remember self care is the most important in our out of the relationship           
 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jellyfish, Welcome!  Your story is quite familiar.

I was only one of a few that knew he had BPD, so I constantly made allowances for the things he did.

Right.  I was always covering for my BPDxW, which I find is an unhealthy dynamic.  I also pretended a lot that things were OK in our marriage when they were definitely not OK.  No more.  Now I strive for authenticity.

I suggest you return the focus to yourself and your needs.  What is the right path for you?

LuckyJim

[Rev]

If anyone has any advice to help the pain go away, I would be eternally grateful xx

Hi Jellyfish -

Grief is a different process for everyone - and the thing about being in a failed relationship with a pwBPD is that it's not a loss like any other.  That's because the person who you broke up with - they didn't exist.

For me - here is what I had to do and am still doing 8 months after a failed five year relationship.

I did CBT and now still have a T in my life.  I train my brain every day to think differently because the emotions I feel for my ex - they have no real context because she isn't who she said she is.

So - today I still feel the feelings but my mind is not associating with them. It feels like I've had something to eat that doesn't agree with me. When I get triggered, I need to change my immediate habits because I need to let the feelings pass.

Otherwise, normal grief work applies for me.

Hope this helps.

Rev

[Jellyfish]

Hello,

Thank you for the support. I made the mistake of unblocking him and saying I missed him, but now I'm blocked. I'm hoping it will say that way so I can fully move on, but I just don't feel ready to let him go. Even though he clearly has.

I think it's hard too because my friends don't understand BPD, and  it doesn't feel like a normal break up. They saw all the bad sides, my tears and his games and tests, so they think I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. In some ways I am, and I'm sure when I look back with hindsight I will be happy it's done. But right now I'm hurting.

I've started meditating & have referred myself for therapy just to help the process.

I just recall the first time we fought, I was crying and I knew right then I should end it, and I said that to him, that I don't want to be hurt and maybe we were better off as friends. But he looked me in the eyes and said we'll never not be friends, we have a connection etc etc, so now I'm confused as to why he couldn't have the decency to tell me he wanted to end it, rather than just not talk to me?

I am really happy I found this support group, it's nice to talk and be understood.

[Rev]

I just recall the first time we fought, I was crying and I knew right then I should end it, and I said that to him, that I don't want to be hurt and maybe we were better off as friends. But he looked me in the eyes and said we'll never not be friends, we have a connection etc etc, so now I'm confused as to why he couldn't have the decency to tell me he wanted to end it, rather than just not talk to me?

I am really happy I found this support group, it's nice to talk and be understood.

Hi Fish,

I am really happy you found us too...

I encourage you to persist with therapy. I certainly needed it to retrain my brain because I really struggled with the questions about decency.  It really boggles the mind because pwBPD do not process things the way others do.

They are very much in the moment - and what is true one second isn't true the next.

My mentor sat me down once and really put it in clear terms - Rev. you're going to have to learn to stop trying to have a conversation with someone who isn't really there.

I hope that makes sense and helps. Keep on keeping on with what you are doing. Eventually you'll get the hang of it, and it will become clearer. But remember, this is a skill you'll need to learn.  pwBPD do not live in the same world that you do.

Hugs,

Rev
 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jelly, Parting ways with a pwBPD can be extremely painful, as many here can attest.  On the other hand, staying in a BPD r/s can also be painful and self-destructive.  One factor to consider is that, in a BPD r/s, one can't have Dr. Jekyll without Mr. Hyde.  The charming person we love is also often an abusive persecutor.

they think I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. In some ways I am, and I'm sure when I look back with hindsight I will be happy it's done. But right now I'm hurting

Your friends make a good point, though I'm sure it doesn't feel like it at the moment.  As you note, you're hurting.  Leaving a pwBPD, however, can lead to greater happiness, which is what it's all about, right?

As Rev suggests:

Keep on keeping on with what you are doing. Eventually you'll get the hang of it, and it will become clearer.

LuckyJim