Started talking to me ex again but now she's stopped replying to texts & emails.

[magic78]

I've posted several times on these boards regarding the relationship with my ex who I suspected had BPD but in the end I wasn't really concerned with the label. What was clear was that our relationship wasn't healthy. I will try to summarise the events. We started dating in July of 2016 after speaking online for a number of years previous. I was very insecure at that time with extremely low self esteem 7 she showed me some attention so I was hooked.  Since I knew her she had always been what I would call a fiery woman. She would tell me exactly what she thought of me & didn't mind verbally abusing me. She was very jealous & insecure even before we started dating. She used triangulation an awful lot & other manipulation tactics. I ignored all this & put it down to immaturity as she was a few years younger than me. We eventually met & started dating for over 2 years. In those 2 years she broke up with me over 30 times, verbally abused me, called me some nasty horrible things, needed my constant attention & constantly accused me of cheating to the point I no longer used social media. I ended up feeling like I couldn't do anything right & my self esteem dropped lower than it had been. However, I did & still do truly love & care for her.

After 2 years & 30 break ups I put some boundaries in place & said that I could no longer go on like this & the next time she broke up with me then it was over. At the end of 2018 she broke up with me for the last time telling me she no longer loved me. I immediately went no contact & she tried charming me back in on numerous occasions. I was still looking on her social media & she was posting things to try & get a reaction out of me. I noticed that she was back chatting to the same circle of guys that she always kept around for validation. There was this new guy who appeared to be extremely soft natured & who you could tell really liked her. I had a suspicion that she would see this guy as a good next boyfriend. This was correct & she started dating him. At this point I deactivated my social media account as I was unable to move on.

Fast forward 10 months after the break up & I spotted her on another social media platform. She was notified that I had looked at her profile & I was then notified that she had looked at mine. I took the decision to send her a message & we started talking again. She said she was dating & he was amazing & she was glad we broke up cause it forced her to meet him. But she then started flirting with me & I pointed out that she shouldn't be doing this as she is dating. She made some excuse up & then she said she had broke up with him because he was chatting to other women which I thought was slightly hypocritical given she had been talking to me sexually.

We chatted on & off for the next few months but it was different. She didn't seem as needy or jealous. She said she wanted us to try again but I clearly said that at the moment I just wanted to be friends. She appeared to be ok with this. We had various conversations about our relationship & she really opened up & said that she was always scared of losing me & that's why she behaved in the way she did. She said she thought it all originated from her childhood & her father abandoning her. I was really took a back cause it appeared that she was able to see how she behaved. She said that she wasn't like this anymore & she had matured a lot. I was still very suspicious but at one point I was going to suggest that we could meet for a chat but I knew that if we did we would just start dating again.

Then 3 weeks ago she messaged me to tell me that she had just looked on my FB page & noticed a lot of likes on my profile picture from women which must mean I am talking to them all. I tried to laugh it off & explain that they are just likes but she got pretty angry & told me to F@*k off & to go away. She then asked me if I knew a certain woman because she had tried adding her on FB & it must be something to do with me & someone I am talking to which it wasn't as I am not talking to anyone. She the stopped answering my texts 7 emails. I texted her one last time asking if she had fallen out with me & what I got back was some ridiculous text as if it was from someone else with her phone. I have not heard anything now for over 3 weeks.

I know there is not much I can do now but I was actually hoping that we had turned a corner & we could maybe make things work again as she appeared to be able to see how she used to behave. But having said that even though she promised me she had changed our last exchange of messages took me straight back to how she used to be over 7 years ago when we first started talking. I suspect that she is either dating someone or she has removed herself from my life to avoid been potentially hurt.

What if anything can I do? Should I send one last email saying something just to let her know I will give her some space etc or just leave it?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

welcome back 

i would leave it.

a lack of a response to your communications is an answer that says "give me space". theres usually little to be gained in one more communication.

but assuming she does eventually respond to you, what next? any idea?

[CryWolf]

welcome back 

i would leave it.

a lack of a response to your communications is an answer that says "give me space". theres usually little to be gained in one more communication.

but assuming she does eventually respond to you, what next? any idea?

I agree with OR here, when people ignore us/or go cold. We automatically want to chase/text more to make things "work" but this is actually counter intutitive. Im not saying that people who go mia for hours or days is healthy either, but it helps you weed out people who want to try and make effort or not in a sense.

You have reached out and the ball is in her court.

From my experience, the less i pursued and chased, the more the other person appreciated me and was honest when it was right time for them to open up.

[bigbear007]

Do exactly what the two people above have suggested, I have BPD and when I am devaluing or want my space I find 99 times out of 100 if the person contacts me, messages me or tries to force communication it makes me split even more and feel nothing but further devaluation. When left on my own for a while without communication even when in a devaluation phase I find myself questioning it and wanting to make contact myself. |

It's a very strange and hard condition for other people to live with as it makes little to no sense most of the time - it makes little or no sense to me to be honest so god knows how someone without it must feel.

But yeah, the advice above is good advice.

[magic78]

welcome back 

i would leave it.

a lack of a response to your communications is an answer that says "give me space". theres usually little to be gained in one more communication.

but assuming she does eventually respond to you, what next? any idea?

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner.

I have left it now. I basically sent her one last email saying I respect her decision with regards to her not wanting to speak to me anymore & I will not hassle her any more I just hope that she is ok.

I do not think that she will respond now. However, if she does I have no idea to be honest. I miss her a lot but it is probably for the best.

[CryWolf]

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner.

I have left it now. I basically sent her one last email saying I respect her decision with regards to her not wanting to speak to me anymore & I will not hassle her any more I just hope that she is ok.

I do not think that she will respond now. However, if she does I have no idea to be honest. I miss her a lot but it is probably for the best.

I don’t think sending her another Responce after she didn’t reply to your other ones was a good idea. I’m only speaking from personal experience. So many messages I sent saying I respected their decision not to speak or wanting space was actually a way to getting them to reply looking back in retrospect.

I understand you’re hurting right now, and the fear of the Unknown of hearing from her again sucks. Do you have any hobbies to keep you busy?