Bit by freaking little bit. Combating your learned false thinking

[Imatter33]

Rewiring my brain.
I’ve got to find a way to take the drama out of my life but more specifically my thought processes. I can’t tell you guys how many times I think something and then I am flooded with anxiety at even thinking it!
Example:

The thought: Gee, I’d sure like to know how my youngest brother is doing.

Triangulation thought:
Well YOU CANT DO THAT. “ you haven’t even checked on older bro in over two months!” “Don’t you care how HE is doing?

And your sister is mad at you. (No proof)

And I’ll bet your youngest brother doesn’t want to hear from you bc you’re not talking to mom.

Better not say anything to him.

It’s not allowed. And it’s really quite unfair to everyone else.”

Anyway posting this to give validity to the repetitive and Obnoxious nature of these thoughts.

I decided to text my younger brother a simple sentence to check in on him...because guess what I am allowed to!

[Choosinghope]

Yes, yes, and yes! This has been my thought pattern for months without even really realizing it was triangulation. Thank you for sharing! And yes, you are completely allowed to text your brother because that relationship is completely independent of your relationship with anyone else.

I've had to very actively fight against this mental trap every time I think about contacting one of my FOO. So pervasive, and yet so silly once you write it out and see what exactly you are thinking.

[Imatter33]

ChoosingHope,

Thats exactly why I posted. I thought I cannot be the only one. Our text exchange has been brief as is his way but its loving and made me feel good that I did it! 

[Imatter33]

I think I had an epiphany.

Triangulation is in effect in all family systems but becomes toxic in BPD family situations often.

I personally define triangulation as unspoken restraints and rules on speaking freely /behaving freely within the family unit.  This is how I feel I see  triangulation play out in my family.  It is more detailed as this resource shows. https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Breaking free would mean: Independent conversation/activities  that flows amongst members no matter the familial factors.  
I deserve  a sense of complete ease and freedom to talk to whoever I want, whenever I want, the toxic triangulation  feels like an elephant on my chest.

Epiphany

I need to stop perpetuating toxic triangulation  every opportunity I have. The old way is so ingrained in me it will take a lot of purposeful reprogramming.
Yesterday was evident to me. ( I will talk to my youngest bro, he's not involved in the slightest in my drama).

TODAY. I CAN and WILL talk to my sister again because of our drama!
My last communication was that my door was open to her. SO I do not HAVE TO wait for an response, apology. or acknowledgement of anything. I need to live by convictions and new truths.

IF I really want to stop triangulating I can show that by continuing to try with my sister, vs shutting her off because of her personal feelings about mom.

She can feel her feelings, and I continue to live life like I want to.

Always hope my posts come across more succinct than rambling but... Does this make sense?

[Harri]

Always hope my posts come across more succinct than rambling but... Does this make sense?

Yes, you make sense.  To me it sounds like you are realizing you have choice or agency and that the actions of others, or what we assume they will say or do, do not have to rule us.     That is fantastic!

That speaks to self differentiation. 

I need to stop perpetuating toxic triangulation  every opportunity I have. The old way is so ingrained in me it will take a lot of purposeful reprogramming.
Yesterday was evident to me. ( I will talk to my youngest bro, he's not involved in the slightest in my drama).

I like so many things about what you wrote here.  First, you distinguish triangulation and toxic triangulation.  (Triangulation happens all the time for all people and is actually healthy and can strengthen families and any kind of relationship.)

You recognize that you do participate in the toxic triangulation of your family.  Yes, it is a learned behavior and not something you choose to do but you can recognize it and change it.  You do not have to be hobbled by old lessons, fears and learned behaviors.  Change is possible.

And then you just added icing when you said:  "it will take a lot of purposeful reprogramming."  Exactly!  Healing / changing is an active process that requires deliberate choices and acts by us.  We can't get there by reading or writing or even just feeling.  We have to make choices and actively change our behaviors. 

 

[Harri]

BTW, we have another more indepth discussion article about the drama triangle titled : The Three Faces Of Victim:  Overview of the Drama Triangle

It can be a hard read but I find it very helpful in remebering that all roles lead to victim.

[Spindle0516]

Imatter 

Just wanted to say that it is clear you've been working so hard, and I feel excited and proud for you! 

[Imatter33]

  Thank you for the encouragement .

[Choosinghope]

Something that I'm slowly internalizing is that all of my interactions with my family up till now have been familiar and comfortable, albeit sometimes unhealthy. What I am now fighting more than anything else is the discomfort of change. The article Harri posted recently spoke so much to me. I keep finding myself wanting the comfort of familiarity. If I just makes things right with mom, everything will go back to how it was before and I'll be ok. With everything I've learned though, now is most definitely the time to hold. I'm trying to settle in for a long time of discomfort as I hold my new boundaries and try to "reprogram" my brain about what is acceptable and good and important in my FOO. Thanks for sharing Imatter!

[Methuen]

Hi imatter
I can't remember if you see a counsellor or T, but CBT might be something to consider, because it works to "rewire the brain" by developing skills to help you recognize negative thoughts, and develop more healthy thinking patterns ourselves.
I'm slowly working my way through a work book called Mind Over Mood.  
https://www.mindovermood.com/
It might not be for you, but I thought I would post it, since it slowly and methodically takes you through a brain re-wiring process that might be helpful for the type of example you gave at the beginning of your post.  Although I see a T, I'm really working my way through the book on my own (recommended by my T though), so it could be done independently, and still be helpful I think.