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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: To my abuser, Dear J ...:  (Read 280 times)

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 16

« on: February 13, 2020, 01:13:01 PM »

Dear J,

I wasn't looking to date. I was on Coffee Meets Bagel nonchalantly browsing on Valentine's Day 2018, when you connected with me and we hit it off with messages. I haven't dated in a while, and I was nervous to meet you. When I met you, you were this introverted, shy and adorably nerdy software engineer. My "must-haves" were non-smoking Christian. You told me you were a non-smoking Christian. You told me were you were originally from the South, that you moved up here to pursue a better job opportunity.

In the next few weeks, you went on dates with other women and proceeded to lie to me about them. You revealed that you just "happened" to be in touch with an ex-girlfriend who is 11 years your senior who "happened" to live nearby. It was also revealed that you haven't stepped foot in a church in years, that you carried a vape and emergency cigarettes, and that you were in a long-distance relationship with this ex and moved up here a couple of months after you two broke up. It was then revealed that you saw this ex and talked to this ex often, and even though she didn't want a relationship with you, she peppered you with questions about me, stalked my social media, and you planned brunches, concerts, baseball outings, and dinners with her. I never saw one planned date with me coming from you. You told me about not having a will to live, how you drown yourself in gin and upwards of 12-14 hours of sleep a day to avoid the pain. You told me about the abuse you endured as a child, coming from a military family and a father who has PTSD and bipolar disorder. I've seen you try to set your sleeves on fire, bashing your head against hard objects to knock yourself out, pull a knife to your wrist, telling me you would shoot yourself and hang up on me. For two years, I endured you sneaking behind my back to see your ex, blocking my phone number each time I questioned you about something shady, picking fights with strangers in the supermarket, picking fights with people on the road, raging about how everyone in this city is under Satan's influence, splitting on my pastor and calling him evil when he tried to get you to seek mental health counseling and to stay away from me.

I endured you kicking me out of your car because I threw a fit that you bought two pairs of concert tickets with the intention of asking your ex to go with you, and not me. I endured you telling me to shut up at a bar because you didn't want to hear me talk anymore. I put up with you calling me childish and irrational when I asked you each time why you were suddenly busy, knowing you do nothing besides work and you would tell me you were hanging out with a "friend." You have no friends here, except for your ex. In December 2018, we talked about exchanging gifts, even though I said clearly, "no pressure." You insisted, and we had dinner reservations set before you flew home to see your family. The dinner reservations got cancelled because you didn't feel like driving into town and had no back up plan, and you didn't buy me a gift. I handed you a gift that I hand picked for you, and I told you that I was upset, not because you didn't get me a gift, but you never prioritized us. I told you that we would talk about the state of our relationship after the holidays. In a rage, you got upset and told your family you weren't going home because I was upset. Your family pinned me as the culprit, and your youngest sister raged against me, calling me a b*tch and a sl*t and a gold digger. I never met or talked to her before this, and now I see how you were all raised.

In February 2019, I put up with you shoving me against a wall and forcing kisses and inappropriate touching the day I found out you were with your ex the night before, taking her to a jazz concert and dinner, instead of working with me to plan Valentine's Day and our anniversary. When I refused your advances, you cursed at me and threw my things out of your apartment. When I got you to confess that you were with your ex the night before, I tried to leave, and you physically pinned me down to prevent me from leaving. A week after, we argued and you smashed a beer bottle at my feet to get me physically away from you. I tried to leave that night and then you threatened suicide on me. The day after that, you split on me and told me that I have no self-respect, that you weren't in love with me and to get out of your life. You discarded me, and I was left to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart. I tried to confront you a couple of months later about the PTSD, but you blocked me on all fronts.

You contacted me during the summer of 2019 to tell me how sorry you were and that you were going to seek help and change. I didn't believe you, but I let you back into my life. From there, you started to go on Lexapro and Prozac, you went to a couple of introductory sessions, and then you quit on all three. You still let your ex influence your life, and the abuse continued. During the fall months, you've kicked me out of your place multiple times, barring me from leaving during arguments when I wanted to leave, you've stopped your car in the middle of the highway and turned it off to scare me into silence, you bruised/fractured my finger when I tried to take your phone away from you, and you threatened to get my Bichon euthanized, claiming she bit you, when in fact, she couldn't hurt a fly. In December, I made up my mind to file a police report, and you threatened to extort me by releasing nude photos of me on the internet, and then you pretended like you never said it. I've been in nothing but a rage against you for the last 6 months, cursing at you for everything you've put me through, turning into a person I despised. I was turning into you.

During Christmas 2019, your ex contacted you, blaming me for sending her nasty texts to stay away from "her man." It wasn't me, so your ex has been pissing off some other women. She has done nothing but bash me nonstop, and you never defended me. The final straw came, when we decided to have coffee and lunch on MLK day, and you got mad that someone honked at you on the highway, so you threw two cups of coffee at the van, with the second cup of coffee splattering all over my favorite coat. You wanted to drop me off on the side of the highway, and you only brought me home out of fear of legal repercussion. I ignored you after that and you threatened to self-medicate or "talk to someone who won't ignore you." Eventually, I flipped out and blew up your phone out of anger, you deemed me as the crazy one, and after we both calmed down and decided to hang out each other on Super Bowl Sunday, you ghosted and blocked me. Most people would ask why I stayed - I stayed for those false glimpses of hope that things would get better. I stayed for the times you took care of me when I was sick, took care of my Bichon and told her you were her "daddy," for the sweet compliments, for always being down to do something fun with me. I stayed through your insistence that you loved me and you were willing to get help. And now I am discarded again with the silent treatment, a typical narcissistic abuse tactic.

 I pray to come to a place where you will never get the best of me, and I will be so happy you are out of my life for good.

Happy Valentine's Day J.
« Last Edit: February 14, 2020, 10:08:40 AM by Harri, Reason: edited for confidentiality pursuant to guideline 1.15 » Logged
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5926

« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2020, 10:18:29 AM »


Wow, it must have been both difficult and cathartic to write that note.  Are you planning to send it or was it for your own benefit?

What you describe is pretty intense and some of it was violent.  You are not alone in that and it is often a good idea to get some help to work through what happened and how things got the way they did with a professional.  Did you ever talk with someone about being in an abusive relationship?   Are you safe now?

Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth. ~ Pema Chodron
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Shaky
Posts: 1614

« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2020, 01:00:22 PM »

HelloDiscarded I am glad to meet you although sad for the circumstances. Valentines Day can be so triggering for people. I am sorry your memories of this day are so painful. We are here for you anytime you want to talk. Like Harri said, safety first

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 22

« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2020, 02:37:27 PM »

Sorry to hear all that you went through. I'm sure that was cathartic to write out, and hope you feel better after doing so.

I will say, it seems like you have endured a lot of abuse. I'm glad you're free from all of that now. I hope you are too. I know it can be hard to stop ruminating about the 'good' aspects, and maybe even some of the bad given their manipulative projection tactics that seems to absolve them of any sins. I will say, you seem to be very intelligent.

With that said, in time, you will get everything you truly deserve in this life and find that 'joy' we all so desperately search for and struggle with. I believe this only comes when complete radical acceptance comes to you, when you're able to see everything for what it actually was, and what they did, versus what they said. Actions are key. I am still just realizing this, and like all - it's easier to give advice than believe it when it comes to my own circumstances. I am working on this diligently.

Once you truly understand your value and what you offer, good things will happen for you in time. We are all valuable here, and truly empathic souls, not perfect, but each valuable in our own unique ways. I am new to posting but have been a ghost gaining insight from these boards for a while now. Relationships aren't 100/0, or even 50/50. I myself, am just starting to realize this. They must be 100/100. You deserve to be adored, not tolerated. Don't you ever settle for anything less.

Be well,
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