Anyone else go through a hard time getting over their blaming tactics?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all,

 I posted my full story the other day, but I didn't get many replies - assuming bc I was venting and it's pretty long . So this is a MUCH shorter version. Thank you for your time and help, I truly appreciate it.       

 How did you get through the guilt after they blamed you? And, where are they now/how did their next relationship(s) workout. If someone completes a DBT class, are they better? I cannot remember if she told me she went through DBT or not when she told me she had BPD. But, I'm guessing she did not follow through with it and vaguely can remember her saying 'it was years long' and expensive, and with school she couldn't find time.

 Even though logically, I know i tried to make it work, and I was/am far from perfect, but I tried so damn hard. I even started a joint bank account with her to move closer to her family, took time off work to take her to doctors appointments, was always there for her, always. She was my entire life, and now that she's gone, the plans for the future and stuff I had with her are also gone and I just feel lost.

Also, I cannot explain it, but I have this feeling that I will hear from her again, and semi-soon especially with me getting in shape/good career trajectory etc., my father, friends, and even therapists also believe I will hear from her again at some point.





 A little about me since the breakup: I went to therapy for a year, was put on an SSRI short term (I got off of it after 6 mos. because I didn’t want it long term to begin with, and it made me feel weird/numb). I’ve lost over 60 lbs. Quit smoking cigarettes right around when she left, and just very recently vaping. Quit drinking in excess, and actually completely various times of 30-60+ days to focus on mental clarity and losing weight. I got a job in the industry I wanted to get into, made a name for myself, but ultimately resigned because of it not being a healthy work environment. Boss was a severe narcissist, laughed and joked about firing people, constant threats, etc (3 other people have left since as well, out of an office of 10 people). I needed out for my mental health, which I just worked so hard to restore in the months before, so made sure it was financially feasible for me to do, and walked away. Got a new apartment shortly after ex left, but, soon after my mom passed away, I stayed with my dad because he was lonely and a mess, and I was worried about him. So I paid rent for an apartment I didn’t even live in. And when I was ready to move back in when my dad was better, my roommate said his gf basically moved in, and wanted to talk to me but knew I was going through a lot, if I could leave when the lease is up so they could make it official. I didn’t want to lose a friend, so I congratulated them and said sure, as long as they pay everything for now on, and agreed that I could leave my stuff there for a couple months while I figured out my next move. 

 Started dating about 6 mos. after it ended and realized I wasn’t ready even though I made some connections and hooked up with a couple. Recently started again, and things are good so far. So now, I am staying with my dad, continuing to get in shape and exercising daily, eating right, and looking for my next career move. This time, it was my decision, and was planned out – I completely understand it’s a slight regression short-term, yes, but long-term, I think it’ll be for the best and come this summer, when I get a new apartment, and I am in shape – physically, mentally, and emotionally, have paid off debt, and have a career trajectory I like, it will have all been worth it.


My summarized story:
 
 Like all of you - it evolved fast, and she pursued me, she soon said it was destiny we'd met, and we were soulmates, I was the love of her life, and her dream guy. Official after 3 weeks, Talks of moving in at 3 mos. (I said no), eventual ultimatums of terminating relationship if I decided against moving in. Various outbursts of rage and abuse (hit me in anger maybe 5 times), keeping contact with exes saying they're just friends (met up with one or two, but told me nothing happened), or new guys mostly from work, who just wanted to get in her pants, and she'd play dumb and act naive to that fact. She did tell me she had BPD one night and was diagnosed. I can't remember if she went through DBT or not, or if she even said she didn't have it anymore. I believe she said it was extensive, expensive, and with school she couldn't find time, though. She explained it to me as an anger disorder, and when she was upset, she just needed an hour or two of space to calm herself down. At one point she did say to me 'why do I always mess up everything good in my life.' as she grabbed her head in frustration to an argument we were having, and I was considering leaving, but she told me a sob story to get me to stay.

 My ex left me at my lowest point in life, completely out of the blue and blamed me for absolutely everything (things that made no sense, but I believe she was doing to vilify me like being unemployed, yet financially stable, even for her missed workout classes, softball games, etc. due to my mothers illness). Mostly things she didn't bring up before like an adult would have, and rather than talking things through, just ended it all. My mother was just diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer (she said she'd be with me through it all), I had recently been laid off (never asked her for a penny, and paid my bills - also had plenty of savings and took a severance pkg and wanted to switch industries anyways), we had recently moved into a new apartment together under an extended long-term lease (lived together prior as well), and my parents had just spent thousands on new furniture for us, which she picked out.

 She visited her family for a long weekend in her home state, came home and ended it. We talked, and I agreed to change, and then she ended it a day later for good, even though I had (and still have) kept to my word. Before she came home I had asked her to call because I could sense something was up given her timely responses. She did, and said: 'I'm having such a great time with my family, I miss them. And with everything going on with your Mom, and then needing to be there for your Dad afterwards, we won't be able to move for a while. But, let's talk about it when I get home.'

 She expected me to move out and live with my dying mother and stressed out father, and leave her the apt. Friends and family when told the story advised me to kick her out, which was beyond difficult emotionally me to enforce that, but I did, and she quit her job, and moved back to her home state, which I think is what's keeping me hung up is that guilt. Her dad even texted me at 2am the Saturday after she did it asking me to work with him instead of his daughter in regards to the lease, whom was harassing me, provoking me, and coming to the apartment trying to pull an element of surprise to give in to her demands, luckily I wasn't there. She had me sign a notarized lease termination agreement, even though I had been a man of my word, had paid for 85% of relationship things and didn't complain (she also left when I asked her to start spending more for like dates), and was $14k in debt. She showed little remorse, and like she enjoyed seeing me cry and suffer like I deserved it.

 She deleted me from social media 2 days later as well as our pictures together, and I noticed she refriended all of her exes again, at that point I unfollowed her too.

 After the fact, and having a legally binding agreement (bizarre), I was obligated to follow through. But, she would still reach out ordering me to spot what she owed and then take that money she owed me for a bill out of the security deposit we'd get back months later, I said no. Weeks later then asked how my mother and I were. I didn't respond. Sent unsolicited bill requests via venmo for things I had already paid, late on weekend nights. As well as an email to the landlord regarding the security deposit. Once I finally got it, I sent her an email explaining the bills, that I got her a refund check and it was on its way to her for one bill, and asked her not to contact me again.

 My mother died a week after that e-mail, and I posted wake/funeral times on social media, and a friend must have told her. She sent me an email receipt from our 'in lieu of flowers, donate to this charity' link, 5 minutes after the posted wake time, luckily I didn't see it until later. I didn't respond. A few weeks later she sent me a 3 page hallmark card, about her, and how devastated she was over my mother passing. The entire card was 'I I I', 'ME ME ME' etc. and halfway through the last page she wrote that her love for me was real, and if she could take away my sadness that she would. Also said she was there for me to talk if I needed, but not respond or acknowledge the card if it wasn't right for me. I didn't. I went out one night and blacked out months later, thought I may have reached out and told her off, but can't be sure bc I was on an SSRI and was having dreams of conversations with people and stuff that never happened but seemed so real (got off those btw). But, a refund check randomly came to my parents house, so I sent that to her parents with a quick note thanking her for her card, etc. In case I did go off on her.

 Other than that, no responses from me, and completely NC. Haven't looked at her social media in 8 months. I was an idiot and after blocking her I did keep an eye on her with a fake account, which I finally realized was insane of me and stopped doing and deleted it. I noticed she posted more after she left, told friends she was happier without me, and was tagged in posts with a previous ex as well. Posted before and after pics where she lost 8-10 lbs., and said she was the healthiest both emotionally and physically she'd ever been and was the happiest she'd ever been in life. Also noticed she started going out drinking a lot more, which from what she told me she didn't enjoy anymore, and 'didn't miss the single life at all' in her words.

 A mutual friend also told me she heard when a couple 'friends' (she calls them her best friends, but even when she lived here she complained about them and didn't really hang with them, she doesn't have many 'friends' and the ones she has now are losers. Anyways, that friend told me 2 people went to visit her, and upon arrival my ex asked them if she could use their hotel room to have sex with a guy she hasn't seen in a while. They said she could use their shower, but not their beds. She followed through with it. Which, btw is insane to me, she's an adult using her visiting friends hotel room to have sex. So, either she's cheating on a guy she lives with, or she lives with her parents in the suburbs 90 minutes from that city, which, you'd think she'd have a part of that hotel room anyways, etc. Just insane.

 So, my question is, does this sound at all like normal behavior to anyone? I can't help but think I lost her, and it was all my fault, that she'll live happily ever after with the next guy, and that I was the problem as she stated. That I am to blame, and the guilt and ruminations eat me alive. Even though rationally it seems like it was just a stressful time, and she was selfish and just left and didn't even think of me.

 I could and have posted much more in another thread here if you're interested - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343088.0


Way more in other thread in post 3 relating to behavioral traits, but here is her past as well. I know logically I'm basically not following my own advice, but as we all know - it's different when it's 'us' in it.


Her Past Relationships:
I realized after she left me, that it was her 3rd (maybe 4th actually) complete reset in life where she'd move, change a job or college, and leave a relationship all in one fell swoop   
•   Broke up with hs bf (about a year or so) when they unexpectedly went to same college. She met new guys and then dumped him while walking to class. Then went back and asked for lunch money which he gave. And laughed about it as she told me and said her family laughs about him still
•   Slept with ‘a lot of different guys’ that year in her words
•   Bf sophomore year (about a year to year and a half I think), lost his job he was older, had to live with her for about a month, she said he was lazy and dumb, and dumped him when she was moving back to her parents for summer before transferring schools told him that then too. Had a summer fling with a hs flame she rekindled with before she broke it off. He sent her love letters for 9 mos. Which she laughed about to me and said he was pathetic. Also said her family still makes fun of how dumb he was
•   Met a guy on family vacation, long distance, about a year long, neither wanted to move. I think he ended it but she said it was mutual. She met someone else (‘friend’) a month later. Reconnected with her ex and she dumped the new guy for him. Then I believe she dumped the ex this time, and went back to the other guy.
•   Open relationship with that guy after a while. Then dumped him to accept a job in my city.   
•   Hooked up with quite a few people in the 8 mos. she lived here before I was even in the picture she told me. Even asked the open relationship guy to date if she moved back, because she didn’t like my city at first, he said no. but she still went to visit him for a couple weekends.
•   Slept with a former hs guy in my city, said nothing happened before here, and she would use him for his air conditioned apartment.
•   Also slept with the open relationship guy and would laugh with her roommates that she was going to an amusement park and could get free passes from him if she slept with him.

[Trynadeal]

Hi all,

 I posted my full story the other day, but I didn't get many replies - assuming bc I was venting and it's pretty long . So this is a MUCH shorter version. Thank you for your time and help, I truly appreciate it.       

 How did you get through the guilt after they blamed you? And, where are they now/how did their next relationship(s) workout. If someone completes a DBT class, are they better? I cannot remember if she told me she went through DBT or not when she told me she had BPD. But, I'm guessing she did not follow through with it and vaguely can remember her saying 'it was years long' and expensive, and with school she couldn't find time.

 Even though logically, I know i tried to make it work, and I was/am far from perfect, but I tried so damn hard. I even started a joint bank account with her to move closer to her family, took time off work to take her to doctors appointments, was always there for her, always. She was my entire life, and now that she's gone, the plans for the future and stuff I had with her are also gone and I just feel lost.

Also, I cannot explain it, but I have this feeling that I will hear from her again, and semi-soon especially with me getting in shape/good career trajectory etc., my father, friends, and even therapists also believe I will hear from her again at some point.





 A little about me since the breakup: I went to therapy for a year, was put on an SSRI short term (I got off of it after 6 mos. because I didn’t want it long term to begin with, and it made me feel weird/numb). I’ve lost over 60 lbs. Quit smoking cigarettes right around when she left, and just very recently vaping. Quit drinking in excess, and actually completely various times of 30-60+ days to focus on mental clarity and losing weight. I got a job in the industry I wanted to get into, made a name for myself, but ultimately resigned because of it not being a healthy work environment. Boss was a severe narcissist, laughed and joked about firing people, constant threats, etc (3 other people have left since as well, out of an office of 10 people). I needed out for my mental health, which I just worked so hard to restore in the months before, so made sure it was financially feasible for me to do, and walked away. Got a new apartment shortly after ex left, but, soon after my mom passed away, I stayed with my dad because he was lonely and a mess, and I was worried about him. So I paid rent for an apartment I didn’t even live in. And when I was ready to move back in when my dad was better, my roommate said his gf basically moved in, and wanted to talk to me but knew I was going through a lot, if I could leave when the lease is up so they could make it official. I didn’t want to lose a friend, so I congratulated them and said sure, as long as they pay everything for now on, and agreed that I could leave my stuff there for a couple months while I figured out my next move. 

 Started dating about 6 mos. after it ended and realized I wasn’t ready even though I made some connections and hooked up with a couple. Recently started again, and things are good so far. So now, I am staying with my dad, continuing to get in shape and exercising daily, eating right, and looking for my next career move. This time, it was my decision, and was planned out – I completely understand it’s a slight regression short-term, yes, but long-term, I think it’ll be for the best and come this summer, when I get a new apartment, and I am in shape – physically, mentally, and emotionally, have paid off debt, and have a career trajectory I like, it will have all been worth it.


My summarized story:
 
 Like all of you - it evolved fast, and she pursued me, she soon said it was destiny we'd met, and we were soulmates, I was the love of her life, and her dream guy. Official after 3 weeks, Talks of moving in at 3 mos. (I said no), eventual ultimatums of terminating relationship if I decided against moving in. Various outbursts of rage and abuse (hit me in anger maybe 5 times), keeping contact with exes saying they're just friends (met up with one or two, but told me nothing happened), or new guys mostly from work, who just wanted to get in her pants, and she'd play dumb and act naive to that fact. She did tell me she had BPD one night and was diagnosed. I can't remember if she went through DBT or not, or if she even said she didn't have it anymore. I believe she said it was extensive, expensive, and with school she couldn't find time, though. She explained it to me as an anger disorder, and when she was upset, she just needed an hour or two of space to calm herself down. At one point she did say to me 'why do I always mess up everything good in my life.' as she grabbed her head in frustration to an argument we were having, and I was considering leaving, but she told me a sob story to get me to stay.

 My ex left me at my lowest point in life, completely out of the blue and blamed me for absolutely everything (things that made no sense, but I believe she was doing to vilify me like being unemployed, yet financially stable, even for her missed workout classes, softball games, etc. due to my mothers illness). Mostly things she didn't bring up before like an adult would have, and rather than talking things through, just ended it all. My mother was just diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer (she said she'd be with me through it all), I had recently been laid off (never asked her for a penny, and paid my bills - also had plenty of savings and took a severance pkg and wanted to switch industries anyways), we had recently moved into a new apartment together under an extended long-term lease (lived together prior as well), and my parents had just spent thousands on new furniture for us, which she picked out.

 She visited her family for a long weekend in her home state, came home and ended it. We talked, and I agreed to change, and then she ended it a day later for good, even though I had (and still have) kept to my word. Before she came home I had asked her to call because I could sense something was up given her timely responses. She did, and said: 'I'm having such a great time with my family, I miss them. And with everything going on with your Mom, and then needing to be there for your Dad afterwards, we won't be able to move for a while. But, let's talk about it when I get home.'

 She expected me to move out and live with my dying mother and stressed out father, and leave her the apt. Friends and family when told the story advised me to kick her out, which was beyond difficult emotionally me to enforce that, but I did, and she quit her job, and moved back to her home state, which I think is what's keeping me hung up is that guilt. Her dad even texted me at 2am the Saturday after she did it asking me to work with him instead of his daughter in regards to the lease, whom was harassing me, provoking me, and coming to the apartment trying to pull an element of surprise to give in to her demands, luckily I wasn't there. She had me sign a notarized lease termination agreement, even though I had been a man of my word, had paid for 85% of relationship things and didn't complain (she also left when I asked her to start spending more for like dates), and was $14k in debt. She showed little remorse, and like she enjoyed seeing me cry and suffer like I deserved it.

 She deleted me from social media 2 days later as well as our pictures together, and I noticed she refriended all of her exes again, at that point I unfollowed her too.

 After the fact, and having a legally binding agreement (bizarre), I was obligated to follow through. But, she would still reach out ordering me to spot what she owed and then take that money she owed me for a bill out of the security deposit we'd get back months later, I said no. Weeks later then asked how my mother and I were. I didn't respond. Sent unsolicited bill requests via venmo for things I had already paid, late on weekend nights. As well as an email to the landlord regarding the security deposit. Once I finally got it, I sent her an email explaining the bills, that I got her a refund check and it was on its way to her for one bill, and asked her not to contact me again.

 My mother died a week after that e-mail, and I posted wake/funeral times on social media, and a friend must have told her. She sent me an email receipt from our 'in lieu of flowers, donate to this charity' link, 5 minutes after the posted wake time, luckily I didn't see it until later. I didn't respond. A few weeks later she sent me a 3 page hallmark card, about her, and how devastated she was over my mother passing. The entire card was 'I I I', 'ME ME ME' etc. and halfway through the last page she wrote that her love for me was real, and if she could take away my sadness that she would. Also said she was there for me to talk if I needed, but not respond or acknowledge the card if it wasn't right for me. I didn't. I went out one night and blacked out months later, thought I may have reached out and told her off, but can't be sure bc I was on an SSRI and was having dreams of conversations with people and stuff that never happened but seemed so real (got off those btw). But, a refund check randomly came to my parents house, so I sent that to her parents with a quick note thanking her for her card, etc. In case I did go off on her.

 Other than that, no responses from me, and completely NC. Haven't looked at her social media in 8 months. I was an idiot and after blocking her I did keep an eye on her with a fake account, which I finally realized was insane of me and stopped doing and deleted it. I noticed she posted more after she left, told friends she was happier without me, and was tagged in posts with a previous ex as well. Posted before and after pics where she lost 8-10 lbs., and said she was the healthiest both emotionally and physically she'd ever been and was the happiest she'd ever been in life. Also noticed she started going out drinking a lot more, which from what she told me she didn't enjoy anymore, and 'didn't miss the single life at all' in her words.

 A mutual friend also told me she heard when a couple 'friends' (she calls them her best friends, but even when she lived here she complained about them and didn't really hang with them, she doesn't have many 'friends' and the ones she has now are losers. Anyways, that friend told me 2 people went to visit her, and upon arrival my ex asked them if she could use their hotel room to have sex with a guy she hasn't seen in a while. They said she could use their shower, but not their beds. She followed through with it. Which, btw is insane to me, she's an adult using her visiting friends hotel room to have sex. So, either she's cheating on a guy she lives with, or she lives with her parents in the suburbs 90 minutes from that city, which, you'd think she'd have a part of that hotel room anyways, etc. Just insane.

 So, my question is, does this sound at all like normal behavior to anyone? I can't help but think I lost her, and it was all my fault, that she'll live happily ever after with the next guy, and that I was the problem as she stated. That I am to blame, and the guilt and ruminations eat me alive. Even though rationally it seems like it was just a stressful time, and she was selfish and just left and didn't even think of me.

 I could and have posted much more in another thread here if you're interested - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343088.0


Way more in other thread in post 3 relating to behavioral traits, but here is her past as well. I know logically I'm basically not following my own advice, but as we all know - it's different when it's 'us' in it.


Her Past Relationships:
I realized after she left me, that it was her 3rd (maybe 4th actually) complete reset in life where she'd move, change a job or college, and leave a relationship all in one fell swoop   
•   Broke up with hs bf (about a year or so) when they unexpectedly went to same college. She met new guys and then dumped him while walking to class. Then went back and asked for lunch money which he gave. And laughed about it as she told me and said her family laughs about him still
•   Slept with ‘a lot of different guys’ that year in her words
•   Bf sophomore year (about a year to year and a half I think), lost his job he was older, had to live with her for about a month, she said he was lazy and dumb, and dumped him when she was moving back to her parents for summer before transferring schools told him that then too. Had a summer fling with a hs flame she rekindled with before she broke it off. He sent her love letters for 9 mos. Which she laughed about to me and said he was pathetic. Also said her family still makes fun of how dumb he was
•   Met a guy on family vacation, long distance, about a year long, neither wanted to move. I think he ended it but she said it was mutual. She met someone else (‘friend’) a month later. Reconnected with her ex and she dumped the new guy for him. Then I believe she dumped the ex this time, and went back to the other guy.
•   Open relationship with that guy after a while. Then dumped him to accept a job in my city.   
•   Hooked up with quite a few people in the 8 mos. she lived here before I was even in the picture she told me. Even asked the open relationship guy to date if she moved back, because she didn’t like my city at first, he said no. but she still went to visit him for a couple weekends.
•   Slept with a former hs guy in my city, said nothing happened before here, and she would use him for his air conditioned apartment.
•   Also slept with the open relationship guy and would laugh with her roommates that she was going to an amusement park and could get free passes from him if she slept with him.

[Lucky Jim]

How did you get through the guilt after they blamed you?

Hey Tryn, Those w/BPD are experts at shifting the blame from their plate to yours, because in general they are unwilling to take responsibility for their role when problems arise in the r/s.  Your task, I suggest, is to decline to shoulder the blame.  If you think about it, it's obvious that you are not 100% at fault, yet that's how a pwBPD presents it.  I have a saying, "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."  In other words, don't internalize the blame; instead, let it roll off your back.

LuckyJIm

[In a bad way]

Projection

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Trynadeal,

A pwbpd idealizes a romantic partner at the beginning of the relationship and may believe that their partner will be the one person who can fix their negative feelings inside and "heal" them. This is, of course, impossible, and so when a partner inevitably fails to live up to the idealistic image the pwbpd created, the pwbpd blames the partner instead of realizing that they are placing unrealistic expectations on another person. They want someone who can without fail fill up the empty space inside of them and that is not possible for another person to do.

Also- you can't love another person into wellness. You may have gone above and beyond and done everything under the sun for this person, but it will not heal her. Many of us fell into the trap of thinking that we should have done something more, something better, changed this, changed that, and our relationship would have stayed the way it was at the beginning. That simply is not true. There may have been mistakes made and ways in which we contributed to the dysfunction or conflict, but there is nothing any one of us could or can do to keep the mental illness at bay.

[Trynadeal]

Hey Tryn, Those w/BPD are experts at shifting the blame from their plate to yours, because in general they are unwilling to take responsibility for their role when problems arise in the r/s.  Your task, I suggest, is to decline to shoulder the blame.  If you think about it, it's obvious that you are not 100% at fault, yet that's how a pwBPD presents it.  I have a saying, "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."  In other words, don't internalize the blame; instead, let it roll off your back.

LuckyJIm

@LuckyJim, thank you for your response. While cruising the site before posting, I've noticed your name a lot, and have seen how knowledgable and astute some of your posts are - so I appreciate your time in reading my account and giving me some sound feedback.

You're right in that logically and rationally I know I am not completely to blame. But, the sheer fact it all happened abruptly, out of nowhere when we were making plans and investing in our future together, and at the worst possible time i've ever experienced thus far in life... It just makes me think maybe there's something to it. After all this and researching more, remembering she made me aware of her BPD, etc. (although I can't recall if she said she didn't have it anymore), and going down that rabbit hole.. I started to internalize everything. Intellectually, I have always understood depression, anxiety, grief, etc. But, never really experienced them all, never mind all of them simultaneously for various different reasons.

Other than my OCD (which was explained to me at a young age as just being 'anal about certain things'), it wasn't until my therapist shed more light on the fact that it was an anxiety disorder, I felt like a moron for not looking more into either of these things, and just believing people and thinking something was wrong with me. My ex believed that because I could be emotional, and vulnerable at times, that I had BPD, or bipolar, or something. My mother and sister have made comments in the past as well. So, I went into therapy believing they must be right, since I am the common denominator and thinking they wouldn't lie. I thought I was a narcissist or something at first. My therapist and psychiatrist both laughed at that. I urged them to go through the DSM and test me for various personality/mood disorders. Which they did after saying they'd never been asked to before, and they ultimately said that other than my OCD, and my life falling apart within a short timeframe (lost job, gf, mother, home, future all within 5 months), that I only had MDD and GAD, but they were short-term and easily beatable, which ultimately I did and finished therapy. I've even gotten rid of OCD for the most part, and my rituals have dropped severely by about 95% to the point I barely exhibit traits anymore.

Anyways, dealing with all of those emotions at once was debilitating and being blamed by her for another failure just felt like par for the course at that point. I know I'm not perfect, but I also know I deeply care about people, have many long-term friends and wouldn't ever impose false beliefs on them, especially of matters regarding mental health. But, I am also very trusting, open up too quickly, and that leaves me vulnerable to be taken advantage of. I guess that after this experience, I just didn't know it was possible to treat people so poorly, be so selfish, and just lie/lead people on. That's barbaric!

She begged me to stay at one point, and I did, because I believed it was worth working on, and was willing to put in the work. Only now (although I am still somewhat in the FOG), can I see that the relationship was rather one-sided, I was, and somewhat am, still living for her. In a way I still want that validation from her, although it may never some. I know she does go back to exes, and even long distance ones, so it's not out of the question that she'll turn up at some point. But, even that kind of scares me. I remember shaking when I saw her name pop up on my phone after it ended before. Panic attacks are no joke.

Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that I personally would never have just ended like that, and at the very least would have had a conversation and spoken about things, and given time to see if things changed. Not just say, well xyz, its over. Bye, I gotta run to softball. Oh, and btw can you leave and live with your dying mom? I am glad my friends were there for me, and although it was incredibly hard - urged me to basically kick her out, which forced her out of my state, when she was manipulating me even then, even though it was her choice, and choices come with consequences, that she told me I didn't really care about her like I had said I did since I was giving her the boot. She just expected me to roll over and bend to her will. I am happy I kept my dignity in that regard.

Plus, seeing how she immediately went to chatting up exes once she ended it, it was a bizarre experience. No empathy, and no remorse for me at all. She even said when we met at the notary, 'I just want you to know that this was the hardest decision of my life. There was a chance that I wouldn't have a place to live.' Even that statement which at first I thought was some semblance of closure, showed she only cared about herself, and her outcome. Barely showed me a modicum of respect, yet here I am picking up the pieces still, and getting my life back on track. While she's already started over, and is using her visiting 'friends' hotel room to have sex with 'people she hasn't seen in a while'. I just feel so used.

Trust me, I know how that sounds. But, I still in my foggy brain think I am to blame for some reason, and I'm delusional in thinking she's got it all figured out, and is happy without me. When in reality, she's going out drinking a lot because she's depressed and lonely (like she was before we dated), and is really posting a lot in hopes of creating that facade that she made the right decision, and is the happiest she's ever been in her life, and it's because she chose to leave and reset her life yet again, for the 4th time. I think getting that point across is important to her. Also, if she is with a previous ex... the odds of that working out are basically slim to none aren't they? Given the friends hotel room story, many of my friends were baffled, and said she's clearly unstable, and that she isn't doing well, and is more than likely cheating on someone if she needs to resort to those measures.

Thoughts?

[Trynadeal]

Projection

It's bizarre how mentally damaging this in fact is.

Hi Trynadeal,

A pwbpd idealizes a romantic partner at the beginning of the relationship and may believe that their partner will be the one person who can fix their negative feelings inside and "heal" them. This is, of course, impossible, and so when a partner inevitably fails to live up to the idealistic image the pwbpd created, the pwbpd blames the partner instead of realizing that they are placing unrealistic expectations on another person. They want someone who can without fail fill up the empty space inside of them and that is not possible for another person to do.

Also- you can't love another person into wellness. You may have gone above and beyond and done everything under the sun for this person, but it will not heal her. Many of us fell into the trap of thinking that we should have done something more, something better, changed this, changed that, and our relationship would have stayed the way it was at the beginning. That simply is not true. There may have been mistakes made and ways in which we contributed to the dysfunction or conflict, but there is nothing any one of us could or can do to keep the mental illness at bay.

Thank you! So, what you're saying is basically in agreement with my psychiatrist, that it was inevitable and there was legitimately nothing I could have possibly done to avoid this outcome?

You're right... I keep thinking 'if only I did this, or said that, then maybe...' etc. My therapist basically said that with the changing of goal posts constantly, it would have never been enough. I just don't understand how that's any way to live. Plus, claiming she was unhappy and depressed at the end. Does this mean they only live for the honeymoon stage, and once that's over and things get 'real' they just can't deal and physically and emotionally must leave to protect themselves, then blame their partner for their own unhappiness to vilify them and free them from their inability to cope, then flee in hopes of catching that 'forever happy/sunny/rainbow' type love that does not exist? Basically, that no matter what they do, or whom they're with that the cycle will ALWAYS repeat? I do not understand for the life of me how someone can want happiness so badly, yet, not be willing to grow and put in the necessary work to get there, because couples that don't fight... well, they don't really exist. No matter what anyone tells you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tryn, You're welcome.  Here are a few brief comments:

I started to internalize everything.

See above: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."

Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that I personally would never have just ended like that, and at the very least would have had a conversation and spoken about things, and given time to see if things changed. Not just say, well xyz, its over. Bye, I gotta run to softball.

Agree, I doubt you would have ended it that way, but you don't suffer from BPD.

Plus, seeing how she immediately went to chatting up exes once she ended it, it was a bizarre experience. No empathy, and no remorse for me at all.

Those w/BPD have a fear of abandonment, which causes them to look for replacements.

I think getting that point across is important to her.

I doubt that she will be open to hearing your analysis, so I suggest you let it go.

Hang in there,
LJ

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi again.

Pwbpd struggle very much to see their own part in relationship issues. They also have a tendency to view things as being "all good" or "all bad". This, aka black and white thinking, means that they can't see an imperfect relationship as still having value even though there are things to be worked on. They act upon emotions in the moment, extreme emotions. The relationship is either perfect, or it is toxic to them. The good parts make them feel like you're their soulmate, the not good parts make them feel like you are the worst person ever.

Without sincere effort in therapy and treatment, these patterns do not simply resolve themselves.

Here's an article about Devaluation that might give you more insight.

No, it doesn't make sense to us, but that's part of why it's a disorder.

[Lucky Jim]

they can't see an imperfect relationship as still having value even though there are things to be worked on. They act upon emotions in the moment, extreme emotions. The relationship is either perfect, or it is toxic to them. The good parts make them feel like you're their soulmate, the not good parts make them feel like you are the worst person ever.

Nicely said, I Am Redeemed!  Bouncing between these two extremes can get exhausting, in my experience.

LJ

[once removed]

detaching is ultimately about reaching acceptance that the relationship failed.

part of that process is understanding why.

before that can really happen, we have to detach a bit from the feelings and the wounds, so that we can look at it more objectively.

So, what you're saying is basically in agreement with my psychiatrist, that it was inevitable and there was legitimately nothing I could have possibly done to avoid this outcome?

i know this question, and the feelings surrounding it, very well. in my recovery, and especially as i learned about BPD, there was nothing i wanted to hear more. people did say that to me, many times, but the more i heard it, the more i needed to hear it, and ultimately, it did not help me heal.

was there something i could have done? yes, many things. thats easy for me to see now, years later, as someone who detached from those wounds. today, those are valuable lessons i can take into future relationships. at the time, the thought, or the suggestion, sent me into a total tailspin.

is any of that to say that we never would have broken up, or been a better couple? no. there were deep incompatibilities between us. some of them were related to her BPD traits. some were related to my own issues. some of them just boiled down to the fact that we were different people, with different values, who wanted different things. we loved each other, but we werent meant to be. like all of my other exes, there is someone out there that is better for her. there is someone out there that is better for me, too.

questions like "am i completely to blame?", "could i have done something to save this?", "will she do better with someone else?" are a common part of the Bargaining stage of grieving. to state the obvious, they are a sign that we are struggling with the outcome and havent fully let go, which is to be expected, mind you.

youve been through a lot in a short period of time, and youve been through a hurtful breakup, really hurtful, at a low time in your life. take good care of yourself. it does get better, and there is another side.

[Trynadeal]

questions like "am i completely to blame?", "could i have done something to save this?", "will she do better with someone else?" are a common part of the Bargaining stage of grieving. to state the obvious, they are a sign that we are struggling with the outcome and havent fully let go, which is to be expected, mind you.

youve been through a lot in a short period of time, and youve been through a hurtful breakup, really hurtful, at a low time in your life. take good care of yourself. it does get better, and there is another side.

Thank you and I hear ya, thanks for the comment. The weird thing is it's been over for a while at this point and I feel as though I'm over it. It's just the blame and guilt she left me with that kills me. As if driving the knife as deep as possible to make me feel like even more of a depressed failure at a point I was already getting beat up by life left and right, was necessary for her to do, and she acted as if I deserved it. She manipulated me into thinking she was innocent and I was this monster of a person. It just felt like par for the course at that point.

Researching BPD/NPD/HPD, etc. has been like finding out vampires and werewolves are real honestly. It's hard to come to terms with the stuff I read and watch. It's like learning about new universes and civilizations, and finding out Atlantis is real and people are living underwater somewhere.

I remember saying to people 'She quit her job, and moved 1000+ miles away from me, it's like she had to get away from me and I was a monster to her. I deserve this, it's all my fault.' To which they would said - 'it wasn't your fault at all, she's selfish, immature, and showed you zero empathy. She doesn't deserve you, and it's better it happened now rather than down the line with kids, and a mortgage in a far away state where you'd be trapped, then your life really would be over. With how abruptly she did this, and when she chose to, she's disturbed, and this would have happened eventually. You dodged a bullet.' Thoughts?

And I know she's been with other people, and probably has been in a relationship for a while. I mean, using her visiting friends' hotel room (shower) for sex with someone, that doesn't sound like someone who's 'happy' and has it all figured out, it sounds like someone who's probably cheating on a bf she lives with, and is just running the same game she always has and hasn't changed.

I'm proud of myself for at least standing up for myself at the end, and not just being a doormat and leaving her the apt. Also for going NC as suggested right away. And for not looking at her social media (eventually, admittedly I did go through a 'stalking phase'), knowing it would just do me more harm than good. Also, for dealing with it as healthily as I could, going to therapy, quitting drinking/smoking, exercising, dieting, etc. I know a lot of people who just drown their sorrows by drinking and getting out of control, etc. And I've been guilty of being that person in the past as well. Happy I didn't resort to that this time.

Thank you for the kind words, and others have told me that as well. I just have a habit of focusing on that instead of the good I have accomplished for some reason. I'm continuing to try to reframe though. It's a process.

black and white thinking, means that they can't see an imperfect relationship as still having value even though there are things to be worked on. They act upon emotions in the moment, extreme emotions. The relationship is either perfect, or it is toxic to them. The good parts make them feel like you're their soulmate, the not good parts make them feel like you are the worst person ever.

Without sincere effort in therapy and treatment, these patterns do not simply resolve themselves.

No, it doesn't make sense to us, but that's part of why it's a disorder.

Thank you!

Intellectually I understand all of this, but logically it still makes zero sense. I think that's why I have a hard time accepting it. Through the extensive research I've done on PD's, I realize there is no cure, and at best the symptoms become 'manageable', however, they never 'truly disappear'. Like rages and stuff, sure they can get better at them, but they'll still experience them at some point.

From what I've read, not even the perfect partner could make it work/last with a BPD person, at least not 'happily' for the non. At some point in life, something will happen, whether its a stress trigger, maybe some perceived slight (incorrectly, and jumping to conclusions), or really just anything and they won't know how to deal with it. It seems as though their defense mechanisms are what are truly damaging to their nonBPD partners (clearly myself included here). I.E. blame shifting, hypersensitivity, manipulation, gaslighting, deflection, projection, etc.

Their 'emotional skin' is so thin, that a slight gust of wind could cut them to paper mâché and then its game over for the partner. How can anyone live like that day in and day out longterm? I remember walking on eggshells, rehearsing what I would say in my head before saying it out loud, making sure to steer clear of topics she regarded as 'off the table', really just waiting on the other shoe to drop. And it seemingly always would at one point or another. It seems inevitable that it will always end at some point. I made the mistake of thinking it wasn't a big deal, not looking into it more, and believing that I could handle it, fully investing myself to prove my commitment to making it work, willing to move far away for her happiness, living according to her timetables, and still it wasn't enough and she left. Once a stressor was brought into the equation (my moms illness), she just selfishly gave up, blamed me (and was really convincing), and cut bait to flee the scene.


And @LuckyJim, Thank you! But, I meant that I believe the image she portrays to the world is important to her, that she's happy. Not that I want to share my analysis with her. I know that would be a lost cause.

As for the replacements comment as well. That's what gets me, and trust me, I understand eventually everyone moves on in time, thats healthy. I think its the fact that she (and most from what i've read) is bold enough to state she's in the best physical, emotional and mental states of her life... like 6-7 mos. after the end of our relationship. That makes zero sense. No person can change in that amount of time, and that's 'normal' people.

This is where I think the 'patterns' and 'cycles' I constantly read about come into play. How can someone who puts in little to no real effort, or serious amount of time be healthy for the next person/people? They would just bring the same personality, and the same, if not more baggage into the next relationship wouldn't they? I think this is where we normally (and lets be honest, most hope to see) their next relationship(s) fail as well. This is what I meant by, the facade she posts, and the happiness she swears by is all fake, but at the same time is of the utmost importance for her image, and to be seen as normal, and making great decisions by her 'online friends'. Thoughts?

[once removed]

It's just the blame and guilt she left me with that kills me. As if driving the knife as deep as possible to make me feel like even more of a depressed failure at a point I was already getting beat up by life left and right, was necessary for her to do, and she acted as if I deserved it.

its a really immature and hurtful thing for her to put all of the blame on you. its the kind of thing that causes deep, often long lasting rejection wounds.

'it wasn't your fault at all, she's selfish, immature, and showed you zero empathy. She doesn't deserve you, and it's better it happened now rather than down the line with kids, and a mortgage in a far away state where you'd be trapped, then your life really would be over. With how abruptly she did this, and when she chose to, she's disturbed, and this would have happened eventually. You dodged a bullet.' Thoughts?

you have good friends, trynadeal. my friends said the same thing to me.

it doesnt feel like you dodged a bullet though, does it? it feels like you got shot right in the heart.

when someone makes the fault about you, it feels nice to hear that it isnt. it may feel nice to hear that its hers; it did for me.

coming to terms with a breakup means its really no longer about fault. you dont have to carry fault anymore. but as you may have found, it isnt so easy to let go of. because it means we have to let go of all the promises, all the loving expressions, along with all the times we were scum, and the worst human being (or less!) on earth.

and its hard. and it hurts. hanging onto fault though - theirs or ours - just keeps us hanging onto that hurt.

[Lucky Jim]

hanging onto fault though - theirs or ours - just keeps us hanging onto that hurt.

Agree with once removed: recovery involves letting go of the fault.   It's a moot point for purposes of moving forward.

LJ

[Trynadeal]

its a really immature and hurtful thing for her to put all of the blame on you. its the kind of thing that causes deep, often long lasting rejection wounds.

you have good friends, trynadeal. my friends said the same thing to me.

it doesnt feel like you dodged a bullet though, does it? it feels like you got shot right in the heart.

when someone makes the fault about you, it feels nice to hear that it isnt. it may feel nice to hear that its hers; it did for me.

coming to terms with a breakup means its really no longer about fault. you dont have to carry fault anymore. but as you may have found, it isnt so easy to let go of. because it means we have to let go of all the promises, all the loving expressions, along with all the times we were scum, and the worst human being (or less!) on earth.

and its hard. and it hurts. hanging onto fault though - theirs or ours - just keeps us hanging onto that hurt.

You're completely right. Thank you for that view on things.

That's why it hurts, logically I know it isn't true. But, it was just the kicking me when I was already down that really hurts. Especially with everything else going on in my life at that time. It seemed like it was important for her to have me carry the blame, and I begrudgingly obliged her I guess. Then had to deal with 11 other things concurrent with this.

I bolded your quote above that really spoke to me, that's what I think people don't get, and 'snap out of it' doesn't help. But, it's true, in reality I know I dodged it, but at the same time, the guilt trip exposes me to think that 'maybe I did blow it like she said, and I deserve to be miserable while she's happy.' I think its manipulation obviously, but thank you for that. You put in words what seems simple, but has been perplexing to me, I thank you for that.

And finally, yes, the letting go, I'm doing much better... But, I still get caught up in the future faking and promises of a future, and how she was so happy with me, when in the end she said the exact opposite. To throw something I fully invested in, and thought she did too, so easily and without any true remorse baffles me. I think it was the disorder, the stress of my situation, and her family talking in her ear about giving her a false sense of justification for her actions.

It's still a bit hard to put those promises behind, my therapist asked me once 'so, what does trynadeal want to do now? What makes you happy and excited for the future?' I didn't have an answer, because all of my plans, in actuality were 'our plans' together, and when it ended, I didn't know what I wanted nor did I know how to get it. I've made tons of progress though, even with my current situation, which I put myself in for the time being and take complete responsibility for, I know this slight regression will set me up for better outcomes and opportunities in the future. Meanwhile? I'm just rolling with the punches, taking the ups with the downs, knowing that although I can't really see it, the plan I'm working on will come to fruition in the next few months. Then, the regression, and all the work currently putting in and I'm doing now, will have been for something, it will have been for my benefit, and a brighter future. It's just hard seeing the light at the end of the tunnel at times. Thoughts?

Thank you again for your response, it was very honest and eye-opening in a way. I truly appreciate your thought process, and taking the time to comment and help me. It's people like you, and places like this that make me see that humanity is still alive and well, and not all people are selfish.

Agree with once removed: recovery involves letting go of the fault.   It's a moot point for purposes of moving forward.

LJ

I agree, I've come to realize this is the last hurdle I must conquer. I accept its over, it has been for a while. I need to let myself off the hook though, the mental anguish hurts. I understand my OCD drives these thoughts, and my efforts to subside my OCD have worked, but not completely. I've lost a ton of weight, and get much more attention than I ever have honestly before from women, which is great for my confidence, but, I accept I'm not fully ready for that yet. I will be soon, but not right now... I need to iron out a few things in my life first before my next relationship. All the effort and everything I am doing now is so I am my best self for the next woman, and will not bring baggage into that relationship. I will be the best me physically, emotionally, and mentally... Soon enough!

[once removed]

That's why it hurts, logically I know it isn't true. But, it was just the kicking me when I was already down that really hurts. Especially with everything else going on in my life at that time.

lets walk this through a bit.

My ex left me at my lowest point in life, completely out of the blue and blamed me for absolutely everything (things that made no sense, but I believe she was doing to vilify me like being unemployed, yet financially stable, even for her missed workout classes, softball games, etc. due to my mothers illness). Mostly things she didn't bring up before like an adult would have, and rather than talking things through, just ended it all. My mother was just diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer (she said she'd be with me through it all), I had recently been laid off (never asked her for a penny, and paid my bills - also had plenty of savings and took a severance pkg and wanted to switch industries anyways), we had recently moved into a new apartment together under an extended long-term lease (lived together prior as well), and my parents had just spent thousands on new furniture for us, which she picked out.

 She visited her family for a long weekend in her home state, came home and ended it. We talked, and I agreed to change, and then she ended it a day later for good, even though I had (and still have) kept to my word. Before she came home I had asked her to call because I could sense something was up given her timely responses. She did, and said: 'I'm having such a great time with my family, I miss them. And with everything going on with your Mom, and then needing to be there for your Dad afterwards, we won't be able to move for a while. But, let's talk about it when I get home.'

when my ex and i broke up, she mentioned some of these things. i was unemployed and living with my parents. we got together when we were 21, broke up when we were 24, and she told me at the time that she didnt want to be in the same place when we were 27, with an unemployed guy living with his parents. ouch. never mind that she couldnt hold a job, and her parents were paying for her place along with everything else.

when i was 18, i had a girl that really broke my heart. i think she was the first real, quality gal that i dated, she was really into me, and man, my confidence was at an all time high. first she complained that i didnt have my drivers license yet. fair enough; i got it. then she complained that she was bored. she was tired of our routine, and wanted more fun, more adventure. i tried to give that to her, and frankly, it didnt go all that well. about a month later, she left me for her ex. i was devastated.

women, in general, place a lot of priority on these things, in men as partners. on us having things on the ball, on us having it together. over time, it can weigh on them. it can start to look like we arent committed, or arent serious.

But, I still get caught up in the future faking and promises of a future

women with BPD arent any exception to that. if anything, they can be even more hyper in tune about this sort of thing, even to the point of taking it very personally; any little thing. they push for big commitments, fast, and hard, and that comes from an insecure place, looking for security.

im not sure it was fake, so much as it was impulsive and unrealistic. selfish, too.

im here to tell you man, being broken up with over it is humiliating. it cuts deep. before, you were the best guy in the world, and could do no wrong, and suddenly, its as if you werent good enough; thats hard to square. you figure at the very least, you deserved the benefit of the doubt. after all, you gave it to her plenty of times.

but thats not where she was coming from. every time moving in was delayed, she quietly grieved the relationship a little. every time something came up, she quietly felt like less of a priority and pulled away. even when she got what she wanted, it was too little, too late. while youre thinking now that you may want different things, she was questioning that at the time. we can all be impulsive and unrealistic in the early stages of a relationship, people with BPD even more so. the confusing (and hurtful) thing about BPD is that they can be all over the place when they come back to earth. for example, when theyre having doubts, they may push even harder, declare their love even more strongly.

the hardest part of detaching, for me, was realizing that my ex and i were on very different pages toward the end, but that she was, in fact, coming from a rational, if not selfish, place. romantic partners, when they break up with someone, often are.

the important thing, for both you and i, is not that having our ducks in a row would have saved the relationship; its a hard lesson to learn for the future, and detaching is really synonymous with understanding, objectively, where our exes were coming from, but the truth isnt where our exes were coming from, or where we are coming from, but somewhere in between.

the reality is, expectations didnt meet reality for either party.

[otherlife]

Hi Trynadeal
Im so sorry your going through this many of us could write the same story, unfortunately this is the nature of the beast.  I often felt as if I was dealing with two different people one warm, loving and vulnerable and the other cold, selfish and distant.  Thats the push pull and for us its intermittent reinforcement that causes us our own personal trauma.  
I really think they mean what they say when they are saying it but they swing back and forth, they do recognise this but the the beast inside them grows stronger as the abandonment issues rise.  They have a hard time trying to keep their emotions in check and many act out as both a defense mechanisms and a distraction from the emotional pain they are constantly in.  I think they delude themselves at the start of each new relationship thinking things are going to be different this time, this time its going to work they will achieve unconditional love.  You cannot love someone unconditionally this is unrealistic especially if our boundaries are different.  Many have multiple coping strategies to make them feel alive or escape the emotional pain and some use sex as a way of connecting but it does not last for long.  They are forever searching for the connection they never got when they most needed in their childhood, thats the emptiness they feel.  
Its also easier  to put the blame on someone else otherwise they would have to face reality, thats too painful for many, hence reluctance to get into therapy.
I also think that them leaving or creating more distance when we have emotional needs is because they cant cope with their own so adding someone else's to their own is just too much for them to bear.   Indeed my own situation involved 4 major deaths in my family which resulted in me being away for a while, being depressed and needing emotional support from my ex, all to much to ask in reality.
I really think they want things to work but they have to feel like they feel in the honeymoon phase as that idealisation phase is when they think the BDP has stopped because they feel better, its exciting, they feel loved and alive.  Once the relationship moves to next natural stage it triggers their abandonment issues and they go in search of a new ideal partner or quick fix if they still think the existing may be able to help them.  It is all about them because they are so damaged, its all held internally and so hard for us to understand and comprehend.  Our memories tie us in coupled with their vulnerability and their emotional pain but there is nothing we can do to stop it because they love us then they hate us and the cycle continues.  They are seeking to fill a hole that no one but themselves can fill but they either dont understand that or its too terrifying to cope with that reality.  Sometimes letting go is the kindest thing you can do for them and for you.  
I hope this helps.