feel like she's destroying me

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello, new and much-needed friends.  This is my first post.  I just returned from a visit with my adult daughter who lives out of town.  Although we have had worse visits by far, I ended up crying uncontrollably all the way home (for five hours).  Felt like I was having a breakdown.  It was hard for me to figure out why I was so upset.  I finally figured out that it was partly because I felt like I was being emotionally abused throughout the visit.  I want to see my daughter, but every time I do, I end up beside myself--furious, worried, agitated.  It makes me feel like running away from my family but there's nowhere to run, and of course I know that I wouldn't gain any relief by doing that.  Anyone out there in a situation like this?

[Guido]

Hello, new and much-needed friends.  This is my first post.  I just returned from a visit with my adult daughter who lives out of town.  Although we have had worse visits by far, I ended up crying uncontrollably all the way home (for five hours).  Felt like I was having a breakdown.  It was hard for me to figure out why I was so upset.  I finally figured out that it was partly because I felt like I was being emotionally abused throughout the visit.  I want to see my daughter, but every time I do, I end up beside myself--furious, worried, agitated.  It makes me feel like running away from my family but there's nowhere to run, and of course I know that I wouldn't gain any relief by doing that.  Anyone out there in a situation like this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Guido and welcome. We are glad you joined us. You are not alone. We have all felt the kind of pain you are experiencing. People with BPD or BPD traits often say horrible things to others. It comes from the pain they feel inside that they need to project outwards. Those closest to them like parents are often the primary target. How can we support you as you go through this?

[Done-er Stepdad]

Yeah, I developed PTSD, a drinking problem, and left my wife for a while. And that kid could care less.

You must do whatever you have to to protect your heart, your health and your sanity, whether it's therapy, meditation (was helpful for me) or limiting contact. You are obviously a loving person and should not be destroyed.

Believe me, I get that 'destroyed' is by no means an overstatement.

[Guido]

Thanks for your response, I really appreciate it.  It helps to hear from other people who can relate to the toll that's taken on our own emotions and sanity. I wish I could help my daughter but I do realize that I have to protect my own well-being.

[FaithHopeLove]

You really do have to put your own well being first.

[Sillyusername]

It’s a normal reaction to be saddened by the situation.. every time you meet you likely think it will be different..

Have you got access to some support? Talking doesn’t always help unless you’re helped to acceptance.. cbt could help? I’m doing compassion based therapy where I become more self compassionate. I was sitting home all weekend worrying whilst my son was out partying! I realised no amount of worry or sadness would change the situation so I’m gradually introducing more stuff that’s kind for me. Dancing classes and meeting up with friends and not talking about my troubles. Keeping a gratitude log. Eating well. Caring for myself..

Small steps - can’t change things but can change our reactions

[Thanks]

I can't add much of any advice to the good points already made by others - just want to let you know that you deserve better and no one should have to feel like that.

For what it's worth - I let my adult BP D set the pace of our relationship - in other words, besides a weekly friendly "Hi" by text, I don't initiate contact. If she initiates positive contact, I respond in kind and we occasionally see each other. I keep those visits brief, and limit exposure to her, to what I can manage. If she initiates negative contact, I shut it down.

We live in the same town, at the moment. I guess if she lived far away and I decided to see her, I'd get a hotel room and make plenty of other plans for things to do in the area, in case she went on one of her rants.
 
When I don't hear from her, I figure she is doing me a favor. Went through this with my sister for many years, so I have learned to appreciate the "off" times.

Best of luck. Treat yourself, please.