Talked to my ex, lost control

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

BPD ex broke up with me close to a month ago. I've been sitting on my feelings ever since. I was just trying to say and do the right things for her. She told me that she had to be alone to work on herself and I was heartbroken but always supportive. We agreed to remain friends.

I guess I never really got closure. I try to keep myself occupied but end up checking to see if she's messaged me all the same. I truly believed that it was only a blip and she'd come back. We had such an intense romance... I've never had someone depend on me that much for love and affection before. It's still all so fresh in my mind I actually can't process how someone can suddenly end a relationship like that.

I was entirely codependent. I have no friends, my only real interests are the computer game we both play, I work from home so I just talked to her all day. She was my life and even then it seemed like she couldn't get enough of me!

So I've been trying so so hard to keep my feelings in check the past month. But recently I've felt anger rising up. I'm not an angry person, infact I'm the calmest person you will meet. I also knew this anger was unjustified because she's BPD, she processes emotions differently and I shouldn't blame her for it.

Anyway we haven't spoken for a week so I send her a casual "hope you're ok". I notice she's online but doesn't answer. This is the straw that breaks it and I get triggered. I say "I'll take that to mean you're fine then" and then when she replies I come back with "I'm just shocked at how well you're coping" and then we get into it, and I let everything I've tried so so hard to hold in spill out.

I imply she's a horrible person by moving on so fast, by reducing our relationship to nothing in her mind, by causing me so much heartbreak.

It ends with her getting hurt, giving me a very copy and paste talk on how to deal with breakups, and then she calmly blocks me.

I feel like an awful human now and have destroyed any chance that we will remain friends.

I love this girl so so much. I've never given or received love so intensely in my life and then for it to just vanish... my mind can't process it. I don't know how she can just stop loving me. Was it all an act? My feeling are all over the place and I feel broken.

The one positive is that now I can finally start to properly greive.

[cosmical]

BPD ex broke up with me close to a month ago. I've been sitting on my feelings ever since. I was just trying to say and do the right things for her. She told me that she had to be alone to work on herself and I was heartbroken but always supportive. We agreed to remain friends.

I guess I never really got closure. I try to keep myself occupied but end up checking to see if she's messaged me all the same. I truly believed that it was only a blip and she'd come back. We had such an intense romance... I've never had someone depend on me that much for love and affection before. It's still all so fresh in my mind I actually can't process how someone can suddenly end a relationship like that.

I was entirely codependent. I have no friends, my only real interests are the computer game we both play, I work from home so I just talked to her all day. She was my life and even then it seemed like she couldn't get enough of me!

So I've been trying so so hard to keep my feelings in check the past month. But recently I've felt anger rising up. I'm not an angry person, infact I'm the calmest person you will meet. I also knew this anger was unjustified because she's BPD, she processes emotions differently and I shouldn't blame her for it.

Anyway we haven't spoken for a week so I send her a casual "hope you're ok". I notice she's online but doesn't answer. This is the straw that breaks it and I get triggered. I say "I'll take that to mean you're fine then" and then when she replies I come back with "I'm just shocked at how well you're coping" and then we get into it, and I let everything I've tried so so hard to hold in spill out.

I imply she's a horrible person by moving on so fast, by reducing our relationship to nothing in her mind, by causing me so much heartbreak.

It ends with her getting hurt, giving me a very copy and paste talk on how to deal with breakups, and then she calmly blocks me.

I feel like an awful human now and have destroyed any chance that we will remain friends.

I love this girl so so much. I've never given or received love so intensely in my life and then for it to just vanish... my mind can't process it. I don't know how she can just stop loving me. Was it all an act? My feeling are all over the place and I feel broken.

The one positive is that now I can finally start to properly greive.

[Trynadeal]

Hi cosmical,

Sorry to hear about what you're going through man, it's tough and trust me - you're not alone.

Before I respond, how long was the relationship? And did you ever meet in person? Videochat? etc.?

[cosmical]

Hi cosmical,

Sorry to hear about what you're going through man, it's tough and trust me - you're not alone.

Before I respond, how long was the relationship? And did you ever meet in person? Videochat? etc.?

Hey.

We knew eachother for a year and we met in person twice, both times we flew to romantic destinations in Europe. Maybe the fact that we only met limited times contributes to how idyllic my memories of us are.

[cosmical]

I tried to tell this story before but I'll try again. I think it's therapeutic to spill my guts...


I met her playing a videogame. I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time, per say, but I noticed she had a pretty cute voice and a clumsy but adorable way about her, so I thought I'd help her out with something.

Before I know it we're exchanging pictures. I remember her vividly calling me the most handsome guy she'd ever seen before. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bad looking at all, but I've never had this kind of reponse before. I guess at this very very early stage she had already focused her tractor beam on me.

Over the following months we would get closer and closer, spending progressively more time on voicechat while we gamed. It wouldn't be unusual to spend 8 hours talking per day since our schedules allowed it. She was an amazing conversationalist and I've never felt time disappear so fast before. I was completely enamoured. She told me all about her BPD, her childhood and I built up what seemed like a complete picture of this girl. She was troubled, yes, but I've never been captivated by someone like this and I wanted to be there for her.

Things progressed steadily over a few months. We started sharing more and more pictures of our lives, and they gradually became more personal until videochats and snapchat became a regularity.

It seemed like our chemistry was off the charts, so the natural next step was to meet in person. We decided on a relatively spur of the moment trip to Florida. We were just about to book up an AirBnB for two weeks time but she pulled out and called the whole thing off.

She told me she wasn't ready for a relationship and that I had misinterpreted all the signals she had sent me. I was confused and hurt and it got a little ugly as I looked for answers, and it ended with us parting ways as friends. The problem was even as a "friend" she was nothing like the girl I had known. She was cold, distant, hyper judgemental. I told her that I didn't want to talk to her at all if this is how it would be.

A few days later she reached out to me and apologised. Things went back to normal and a month later we booked a trip to France, this time with more forethought. This was going to be super romantic, we'd spend two nights in Paris then take the train to Montpellier for a week. She was going to attend language school in the mornings in Montpellier to reduce her anxiety. If she felt like she had an ulterior motive for the trip then she wouldn't get cold feet.

The date of the trip came and despite being uninvited and then reinvited in the week leading up to it, I got on the plane to meet her. Paris was interesting to say the least. The weather was perfect and we had a wonderful time exploring together. We slept separately to take things slow but on the second day she came to me crying and said that she wasn't ready for this and that she wanted to proceed to Montpellier alone.

I was pretty devastated by this but I held it together and immediately booked my flight back home for the same day. There were no hard feelings at all between us and this wasn't the end, we were just taking things slow. Her train left before my flight so we went to the train station together. We were early so we found a quiet seat and she layed her head on me (our first real contact), and then I walked her to the train platform and we shared a really passionate kiss.

Reluctantly we parted ways, and I made my way home.

The next day she snaps me from Montpellier. She thanks me for being the perfect gentleman and before long she's wishing that I was there. She knows it's crazy but hey, the flight costs less than a bus ticket so why the hell not. So I flew back down and we had what I can only describe as the best 4 days of my life.

We had such an amazing time. The inhibitions and anxiety of Paris were gone and we were totally revelling in eachothers company. The weather is perfect and we explore, we have deep conversations, we make love. I couldn't have wished for a better time and I left feeling closer to her than I've ever felt with anyone. This still feels like yesterday to me and it breaks my heart.

We get home both feeling so great about the trip, and immediately start planning to see eachother again in 2 months. This time she wants to come to my house so we can have a more casual visit, where we just do regular everyday things like go to the gym, cook meals, watch netflix, as opposed to being touristy. We book this up but then things start to change.

As perfect as our first meeting was, things don't seem to go back to the intensity that they once had. We didn't have the ridiculously long voice chats, we didn't send as many naughty pics, but I guess this is only normal. The honeymoon period of a relationship never lasts, but that doesn't make it bad. Some of the initial excitement and intrigue is lost but you gain a deeper love.

I did start to notice her becoming more critical though. It was a slow process. In the months leading up to trip number 2 I found it increasingly difficult to get on her good side. I'm not an expert but this seems like the BPD was causing her to push away from me gradually.

Nevertheless, we had the trip booked so I thought as long as we get there then we will be able to rekindle everything. But when the date arrived, everything that could went wrong did go wrong!

Firstly, her period was late. She was staying for 5 days and arrived only a couple of days into it. Actual worst possible timing. She was anxious, in pain, and anything physical was off the menu. This really really sucked because sex has always been really important to us, and while we couldn't do anything it felt like there was a wall there that we just couldn't knock down. Sex makes all the little insecurities go away. When she's been critical and doubts herself as a good partner, it gives her the acceptance she needs to love herself.

The weather was also absolutely terrible, so it ended up just being a miserable week despite our best efforts. We did get to be intimate on the last two days but it felt too late. Still, I never imagined this would be the end of out relationship. We had deep love for eachother and amazing shared experiences, so I was sure we would make it work.

A week after she's home she breaks up with me. She tells me she thinks she's abusive (yes, she's critical sometimes but I've always accepted that part of her. It does drive a wedge between us occasionally but I love her, she loves me, and we'll work at it, right?). Nothing I can say changes her mind and I know from experience that arguing the contrary only makes her more steadfast in her opinion. But I really regret not having a voice talk at this point... when it's just text messages it's so easy to think that she's not completely serious, or that she'll come around in a few days like she did before.

We agree to remain friends. It still hadn't sunk in for me and I logged in everyday expecting to see her message, how she's sorry and that she loves me and will be better. I wait for weeks and this doesn't come, instead we have a few very matter-of-fact conversations. She's in her friend mode and I don't recongise this person. She asks if I'm back on tinder, if I want to send her pics for approval, also mentions that she's been hit on at work.

I feel so much pain, frustrating and finally anger. I know she has her demons, but why did she give up on us like that? Does she not think that a real connection is worth fighting for? How is she so calm and "over it" already?

I try to supress these feels because I know it's her BPD. I know she can't control the way she processes emotions. I finally get triggered when she doesn't respond to me and I lash out. I make her "feel like a monster". I'm just so frustrated that I never got to really talk to her about what was bothering her until she broke up with me, and even then she still didn't really explain to me. I just wish she would have told me she doesn't love me or that we're too different or something. Being told that we're breaking up because "she's not good for anyone" is the most frustrating thing to hear.

Now I'm blocked and that chapter of my life is almost certainly closed.

I'm sure one day I'll look back on it fondly but right now I'm just so so hurt.

[Trynadeal]

Hey man,

I'm truly sorry you're going through this. I know how that goes.

I will say though, and I apologize in advance as I don't think you'll agree with me right now, but at some point you will and you'll see it more clearly...

You're lucky. Very, very lucky. I understand you thought you had something, and were building something, and it felt real. I can honestly understand that fully.

... But, again, you're lucky. 'Why am I lucky, I'm heartbroken!' is probably what you're thinking to yourself. But let me tell you why.

1. This was clearly a long distance relationship, with love bombing from the jump.
2. From the beginning, she told you she had BPD and opened up right away.
3. You only actually hung out in person a couple of times.
4. Think about that for a second, within a year... you saw each other twice.
5. Continue on that thought process for a moment, not only did you only see each other twice, but, when you did meet (after constant mental gymnastics to even have those meetings happen), things weren't great.
6. Imagine that, you're so happy to meet... And she's saying she doesn't know if she's ready yet (red flag 1), but she does.
7. You do meet finally, and within 48 hours she tells you she needs space. Are you joking?
8. Then, she says actually no, come, after you give in, and spend money to leave. (push-pull)
9. You do, you have sex, and what you consider a good time.
10. She's so happy, so are you, and you're planning your next visit. Which will be the second, and last time you see each other, unbeknownst to you.
11. Soon enough, things are falling apart, the attention level is dwindling.
12. She comes to meet, but surprise surprise, she's dealing with something and isn't in the best mood. You, understand this, she, living off feelings, doesn't. 'Why is it different now?' she's probably asking herself. And you're asking yourself.
13. You can finally have sex again, but let me remind you what you said... 'sex was important to us.' Let me ask you a question, how can sex be an 'important' aspect of your relationship when you've only met twice, and if you're being honest with yourself, probably only had with her maybe a few more times than a handful?
14. You spend time together and try to make the best of a bad weather situation, which normal couples have to go through. Without sex though, you mention it was difficult and her anxieties would go haywire basically.
15. You said: "she's critical sometimes but I've always accepted that part of her. It does drive a wedge between us occasionally but I love her, she loves me, and we'll work at it, right?"
16. Let me ask you something, this is the second time you've seen this person, in a year or so, and she has the balls to be critical of you? That is the definition of emotional abuse, and from a distance especially. Thinking you can work it out is natural, you understand honeymoon phases end. This is normal thinking. I'm still having difficulty understanding how BPD live for the honeymoon, and cannot for the life of them grasp the normalcy of a relationship. Once the butterflies wear off, so does the allure of the relationship. Think about that for a second. It's not at all normal.
17. She ends it, and tries to be friends. (attachment difficulties, she already spent a year on you, she doesn't want to lose that investment)
18. But, she also isn't interested in maintaining even the slightest form of communication again, aka, she wants you as a backup (which I'm really sorry to say, but it seems like you probably were the entire time, and that's not fair to you).
19. She wants you at a distance again, where she's in control, and can reach out when it fits her schedule.
20. Asks you if you're on tinder, then mentions a guy flirting with her. She knows you're hurt and not even thinking of moving on. But, in her delusional mind, that's normal to do so quickly 'on to the next' mentality.
21. You said : "I feel so much pain, frustrating and finally anger. I know she has her demons, but why did she give up on us like that? Does she not think that a real connection is worth fighting for? How is she so calm and "over it" already?"
22. Again man, I'm truly truly sorry to say this, because I know you're hurt. But, what was she really giving up on? You guys only saw each other twice. 2 times.
23. pwBPD don't really think of connections, they think of emotions, and you guys were already long distance. In her mind she was probably doing you a favor she thought (AND, HONESTLY SHE WAS!)
24. She's over it because that's what they do. 'On to the next one' mentality.
25. I understand the lack of closure, it stings. It really does. And, I don't mean to sound harsh, I am trying to get you to see it a bit differently is all.

You sound like a nice and caring person. I'd suggest also blocking her, so, when she feels like it, she doesn't have the option to reach out again and toy with your heart strings again. You sound genuine, and that's a great quality, fantastic even. It's rarer than you'd think.

I think since your situation is a bit different and unique... You should figure out what led you to pursuing a romantic relationship with someone long distance, before meeting them. Therapy is a great place to start.

You mentioned you don't have many friends, and that's fine. But, I'd suggest trying to break out of your comfort zone a bit and getting some more fresh air as well. I'm sure you could find a local gaming group or something in your area, where you can meet people in person. If gaming isn't an option, what other things interest you, maybe search for those things to meet people. If you search for something online, I am sure you can find something with other people in your position, looking to meet more people. Once you do this, and get your confidence up. I'd suggest finding a girl who lives in close proximity to you, so you can spend actual time with them, and perhaps buy another controller to turn your one-player into a multi-player game.

The last bit I'll add is this - what was the end-goal for this relationship? What did the future look like in your mind? Would one of you move to the other one? How long would that have taken to accomplish - a year, two, five, more? Could you really have been satisfied with a long-distance relationship where you only see each other a couple times a year? Most people I know who've tried long distance (all failed eventually btw), they saw each other about every 6 weeks or so, that would be the maximum length they'd go. I know you're hurt, cosmical, and I understand that. I just don't want you to keep going down the rabbit hole of hurt for this girl, she simply isn't worth it. She did you a favor, you just can't see that yet. But, you will.

Let me leave you with this... and really think about this... This girl could barely 'be with you' when you were actually in each others presence the couple times you met... How would she be there in your time of need? (here's the answer: she wouldn't be.) That's not a 'life-partner'.

I lived with my ex, she left me out of the blue after I lost my job, and my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I had plenty of money, I was fine financially. I didn't ask her for anything, other than her love, which she said she'd always give and always be there for me. We got a new apt (lived together prior as well), and new furniture, we just went on vacation. And she still left me, at my lowest point.

Think about how your ex would have reacted, my guess is similarly. Look at all the other horror stories you read about on this site as well. Be happy you don't have to go through THAT kind of betrayal. You'll be fine man, be well.

[Las1604]

Hey man,

I'm truly sorry you're going through this. I know how that goes.

I will say though, and I apologize in advance as I don't think you'll agree with me right now, but at some point you will and you'll see it more clearly...

You're lucky. Very, very lucky. I understand you thought you had something, and were building something, and it felt real. I can honestly understand that fully.

... But, again, you're lucky. 'Why am I lucky, I'm heartbroken!' is probably what you're thinking to yourself. But let me tell you why.

1. This was clearly a long distance relationship, with love bombing from the jump.
2. From the beginning, she told you she had BPD and opened up right away.
3. You only actually hung out in person a couple of times.
4. Think about that for a second, within a year... you saw each other twice.
5. Continue on that thought process for a moment, not only did you only see each other twice, but, when you did meet (after constant mental gymnastics to even have those meetings happen), things weren't great.
6. Imagine that, you're so happy to meet... And she's saying she doesn't know if she's ready yet (red flag 1), but she does.
7. You do meet finally, and within 48 hours she tells you she needs space. Are you joking?
8. Then, she says actually no, come, after you give in, and spend money to leave. (push-pull)
9. You do, you have sex, and what you consider a good time.
10. She's so happy, so are you, and you're planning your next visit. Which will be the second, and last time you see each other, unbeknownst to you.
11. Soon enough, things are falling apart, the attention level is dwindling.
12. She comes to meet, but surprise surprise, she's dealing with something and isn't in the best mood. You, understand this, she, living off feelings, doesn't. 'Why is it different now?' she's probably asking herself. And you're asking yourself.
13. You can finally have sex again, but let me remind you what you said... 'sex was important to us.' Let me ask you a question, how can sex be an 'important' aspect of your relationship when you've only met twice, and if you're being honest with yourself, probably only had with her maybe a few more times than a handful?
14. You spend time together and try to make the best of a bad weather situation, which normal couples have to go through. Without sex though, you mention it was difficult and her anxieties would go haywire basically.
15. You said: "she's critical sometimes but I've always accepted that part of her. It does drive a wedge between us occasionally but I love her, she loves me, and we'll work at it, right?"
16. Let me ask you something, this is the second time you've seen this person, in a year or so, and she has the balls to be critical of you? That is the definition of emotional abuse, and from a distance especially. Thinking you can work it out is natural, you understand honeymoon phases end. This is normal thinking. I'm still having difficulty understanding how BPD live for the honeymoon, and cannot for the life of them grasp the normalcy of a relationship. Once the butterflies wear off, so does the allure of the relationship. Think about that for a second. It's not at all normal.
17. She ends it, and tries to be friends. (attachment difficulties, she already spent a year on you, she doesn't want to lose that investment)
18. But, she also isn't interested in maintaining even the slightest form of communication again, aka, she wants you as a backup (which I'm really sorry to say, but it seems like you probably were the entire time, and that's not fair to you).
19. She wants you at a distance again, where she's in control, and can reach out when it fits her schedule.
20. Asks you if you're on tinder, then mentions a guy flirting with her. She knows you're hurt and not even thinking of moving on. But, in her delusional mind, that's normal to do so quickly 'on to the next' mentality.
21. You said : "I feel so much pain, frustrating and finally anger. I know she has her demons, but why did she give up on us like that? Does she not think that a real connection is worth fighting for? How is she so calm and "over it" already?"
22. Again man, I'm truly truly sorry to say this, because I know you're hurt. But, what was she really giving up on? You guys only saw each other twice. 2 times.
23. pwBPD don't really think of connections, they think of emotions, and you guys were already long distance. In her mind she was probably doing you a favor she thought (AND, HONESTLY SHE WAS!)
24. She's over it because that's what they do. 'On to the next one' mentality.
25. I understand the lack of closure, it stings. It really does. And, I don't mean to sound harsh, I am trying to get you to see it a bit differently is all.

You sound like a nice and caring person. I'd suggest also blocking her, so, when she feels like it, she doesn't have the option to reach out again and toy with your heart strings again. You sound genuine, and that's a great quality, fantastic even. It's rarer than you'd think.

I think since your situation is a bit different and unique... You should figure out what led you to pursuing a romantic relationship with someone long distance, before meeting them. Therapy is a great place to start.

You mentioned you don't have many friends, and that's fine. But, I'd suggest trying to break out of your comfort zone a bit and getting some more fresh air as well. I'm sure you could find a local gaming group or something in your area, where you can meet people in person. If gaming isn't an option, what other things interest you, maybe search for those things to meet people. If you search for something online, I am sure you can find something with other people in your position, looking to meet more people. Once you do this, and get your confidence up. I'd suggest finding a girl who lives in close proximity to you, so you can spend actual time with them, and perhaps buy another controller to turn your one-player into a multi-player game.

The last bit I'll add is this - what was the end-goal for this relationship? What did the future look like in your mind? Would one of you move to the other one? How long would that have taken to accomplish - a year, two, five, more? Could you really have been satisfied with a long-distance relationship where you only see each other a couple times a year? Most people I know who've tried long distance (all failed eventually btw), they saw each other about every 6 weeks or so, that would be the maximum length they'd go. I know you're hurt, cosmical, and I understand that. I just don't want you to keep going down the rabbit hole of hurt for this girl, she simply isn't worth it. She did you a favor, you just can't see that yet. But, you will.

Let me leave you with this... and really think about this... This girl could barely 'be with you' when you were actually in each others presence the couple times you met... How would she be there in your time of need? (here's the answer: she wouldn't be.) That's not a 'life-partner'.

I lived with my ex, she left me out of the blue after I lost my job, and my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I had plenty of money, I was fine financially. I didn't ask her for anything, other than her love, which she said she'd always give and always be there for me. We got a new apt (lived together prior as well), and new furniture, we just went on vacation. And she still left me, at my lowest point.

Think about how your ex would have reacted, my guess is similarly. Look at all the other horror stories you read about on this site as well. Be happy you don't have to go through THAT kind of betrayal. You'll be fine man, be well.

I have to agree as well. I only dated my ex for 6 months. We saw each other for more than half a week each week during that period; she left stuff at my house, crashed, we did a lot of stuff together. I count myself lucky it was only 6 months and not 6 years. My relationship with her looks like Barney compared to some of terrible things that happened to members here.

Be a little thankful you only saw her in person a couple times. I know it's horrible, and I can never fully grasp how you felt for her - but truthfully it could've been a lot, and I mean a lot worse. Hang in there - it does get better!

[cosmical]

Damn, that's an in depth analysis if ever I saw one.

I understand your perspective and agree on a lot of things, but I would argue on one point and that is a LDR can be just as emotionally fullfilling to a RL one if you're wired that way.

If you are socially isolated and spend the majority of the day talking, gaming, camming with one person and then snapping them when you're not at the computer, it can feel just as real as anything else.

Regarding sex being important, again you can have shared experiences while not together that can make you feel very intimate. Sometimes the fantasy of what you would do together is even more satisfying that the real thing :P.

I guess I have a different lens for all this because my closest friends and many of my sexual partners have originated online.

Long term it's not a great game plan though. When the love bomb was still in full force we had discussed moving, but when things started to break down I guess it was never really an option. Imagine moving to a new country and then getting abandoned... you could only have yourself to blame for that.

It's really hard to get her out of my system because the last year has felt like one huge lovebomb (give or take). I neglected other parts of my life because she was so fullfilling. I guess I was happy to close my eyes to the big picture because having her was temporary bliss. Now I have to wake up. Thank you for your (somewhat harsh) perspective, it definitely helps a little.

Regarding what drove me to persue a LDR... We just met in an online game, it wasn't planned. I wasn't really looking for a relationship at the time. I was really happy being single because honestly I'm a codependent type and when I get involved with something I get attached in an unhealthy way. It feels like more pain that it's worth sometimes so I'm happy to just chill with my cat. Then I get lovebombed out of the blue and the plan went out the window!

I def need to build more of a network IRL but it's so hard. I'm part of the garbage generation that didn't build any social skills because they were too busy looking at screens. I'm awkward and invisible to most people. I'm not bad looking.. I'm probably a 7/10 on a good day and take really good care of myself, but actually being myself around other people is something I really struggle at. I just have to get out there and practice... It's the only way

[Trynadeal]

Regarding what drove me to persue a LDR... We just met in an online game, it wasn't planned. I wasn't really looking for a relationship at the time. I was really happy being single because honestly I'm a codependent type and when I get involved with something I get attached in an unhealthy way. It feels like more pain that it's worth sometimes so I'm happy to just chill with my cat. Then I get lovebombed out of the blue and the plan went out the window!

I def need to build more of a network IRL but it's so hard. I'm part of the garbage generation that didn't build any social skills because they were too busy looking at screens. I'm awkward and invisible to most people. I'm not bad looking.. I'm probably a 7/10 on a good day and take really good care of myself, but actually being myself around other people is something I really struggle at. I just have to get out there and practice... It's the only way

I wouldn't say that's necessarily true. But, you're right, some people are wired differently. That said, I'm noticing a lot of (albeit somewhat soft) self-deprecating comments.

I think if you decide you really want to make a change, therapy would be a great first step. You're not going to become Superman, and problem-free overnight. But, it's a place you can voice your feelings openly and freely, without judgement. A qualified therapist will help you figure out things about yourself, and potentially have some recommendations that have helped others.

They will be able to help you figure out why you have certain tendencies, and can help you to slowly get out of your comfort zone at a pace you're comfortable with. It's your choice man, but I think this could be a changing point for your life, where this break-up, just may the best thing that'll ever happen to you, if you let it be, and work on yourself in the 'now'.

[cosmical]

You're right about the self-deprication. You can imagine that when 90% of your conversations over a 12 month period are with your BPD that your esteem can take a hit. Not that it was ever off the charts before all that.

Atm I'm trying to find a healthy way to remember her. Yeah, in the grand scheme of things you can clearly see the manipulative patterns, but I don't believe she did any of it consciously and she was genuinely a very sweet, kind and thoughful person.

It would be so much easier to grieve if I could just hate her but that would be entirely irrational and unfair. Even when she broke up with me I can see she had genuine guilt and remorse (with a healthy dose of coldness but I think she was really trying) and from what I've read from other stories on here that's not necessarily a given.

[Jbombjas]

Long distance relationships are often ideal for BPDs. They can fulfill their needs for attachment and “love” without facing their bigger fear, enmeshment. They get intimacy without intimacy if you get that. Once real plans are made to be together more permanently and life begins is often when they freak and run. I’ve seen and read that kind of example many times.
I’m sorry to hear about your sadness. The things that many of us non disordered go through as a result of their non intended manipulation can take a serious toll, even if it was two times you met up with her (you spent a lot of time on and with her). Clearly you got some kind of emotional support out of the relationship even tho she wasn’t entirely providing it for you. At least that’s what I suspect. Been there.
Good luck. Glad you found this forum.

[cosmical]

Long distance relationships are often ideal for BPDs. They can fulfill their needs for attachment and “love” without facing their bigger fear, enmeshment. They get intimacy without intimacy if you get that. Once real plans are made to be together more permanently and life begins is often when they freak and run. I’ve seen and read that kind of example many times.
I’m sorry to hear about your sadness. The things that many of us non disordered go through as a result of their non intended manipulation can take a serious toll, even if it was two times you met up with her (you spent a lot of time on and with her). Clearly you got some kind of emotional support out of the relationship even tho she wasn’t entirely providing it for you. At least that’s what I suspect. Been there.
Good luck. Glad you found this forum.

Yeah, I can see that. We've met twice and now it might feel like the future has to start... plans have to me made, decisions have to be taken. I never at any point pushed the relationship (I learned my lesson when I first suggested meeting) and was happy to just go with the flow and let her drive things, but I guess this is what she could have been feeling all the same.

Yeah we were always there for eachother emotionally... we would talk about everything and she would always do things to show she was thinking of me. It didn't matter that we weren't together physically. Suddenly not having her to talk to is such a horrible feeling, like losing a limb. It also makes me feel so replaceable like I was just there to scratch an itch and my company was nothing special to her. When we talked last she was like "you're a nice guy and I'm glad I met you". That especially made me so sad because I know I was so much more than just a "nice guy" to her and yet this is how she now thinks of me, as just one of the masses.

Still trying my best to remind myself that her love was mostly an illusion, as real as it felt, and that it was only ever going to end this way. The mind does not like to listen to reason though.