The Impact of the BPD Parent on the Life Potential of Their Child Part 2

[Person2]

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is located here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342617.0;all

Thank you so much for sharing your observation about your experience with hobbies and your mother growing up. I’m so happy to hear you have been able to deal with the effects of this in therapy!

It’s really helpful for me that you brought this up. Although, I did not have a similar experience as you, I’m seeing now that it is helpful for me to consider what my experiences were with hobbies and activities in my youth, and how they were viewed by my mother (I never thought to do this).

As I’ve read on other posts, at home growing up, I too spent most of my time outside or alone in my room (it’s so wild, that in these last decades, my mom primarily identifies as a mother). Memories I have of being at home, even as young as 3 or 4, are of me doing things on my own. She didn’t seem to feel the need to interact with me about what I was doing to occupy myself. On the other hand, she was a very strict authoritarian. I was kept on a very short leash, and I’d catch hell for any transgression, including imagined (these last decades, she has all these fond memories of being a mother, wants to hug and be touchy-feely, and it creeps me out).

In my youth, I learned guitar, played basketball and softball, listened to records (and the new fangled FM radio - ha!), did crafty things (embroidery, crochet), played chess and read books. I did these things on my own, without any discussion about them.

One time, when I was in my 30’s or 40’s, in front of other people, she made a teasing remark about me playing my guitar in my room when I was young. It really surprised me; firstly, that she had noticed, and secondly, that her reaction was to tease me about it now that I was an adult.

It’s hard for me to know how my youthful experiences with hobbies/activities impact my current experience, but I’m thinking that one outcome could be that I have an issue assigning value to these type of pursuits.

[Spindle0516]

Person2, I am glad you started this thread! I've been thinking about this since your initial post and how this concept might apply to my husband being raised by his uBPD mom.

When he was young, her solution to any anxiety or nervousness that he felt, was for her to physically be there. He went through a period where he was scared to sleep alone at night, so her solution was to let him sleep with her for years. When he had anxiety about going to school, she became a substitute teacher at his school, so she could be down the hall. She never taught him how to soothe himself or that he would be okay and could make it on his own without her. I'm realizing that this may also be because she never knew how to soothe herself. When she was scared as a kid, she said her parents told her to sleep in their doorway, so she swung way too hard in the opposite direction. When she is anxious, she wants someone with her, so her solution to her son's anxieties was to be as phsyically close as possible.

I actually asked my husband yesterday if he felt limited in his potential because he was raised by his uBPD mom. I found it interesting that he said yes, but it was in regard to his writing. My husband loves to write and his long term goal is to be able to support himself as a writer. He works so, so hard at it, but he said that he always feels like he can't write for too long without feeling like he has to check on his mom. He said when he was a little younger, there was a period of time when he felt like he couldn't write at all because it took away time from ensuring she was okay.

What I find so interesting about this is that his mom actually cultivated his creativity and imagination. She encouraged his love of reading and books. Like what many have just described, my husband preferred solitary play when he was a kid, and this was how he occupied his time. When it became something he really wanted to focus on as a possible career, it then became something that took him away from her, and thus became problematic.

I also find it interesting that when I first read this thread, I thought of how my husbands potential might have been limited emotionally, but when I asked him about it, he focused immediately on his ability to focus on something that he loves and wants to pursue as a career. I don't know if that is telling of anything, just interesting. 

[Person2]

Spindle0516 - reading about your husband’s experience is so interesting. Wow, it really provides a lot of insight into his struggles; his mother created such a highly symbiotic situation! It also highlights what an empathetic and kind person he is.

One thing that stood out for me in reading your post is, although he and I were raised with a different attachment style (his sounds like a preoccupied/anxious style while I think mine was a unresolved/disorganized style), both produced children that have a preoccupation and issue with differentiating with their mother.

Have you both done any reading regarding parent-child attachment types? I think he would find it helpful in his healing process.

I thought of how my husbands potential might have been limited emotionally, but when I asked him about it, he focused immediately on his ability to focus on something that he loves and wants to pursue as a career.

In reading your post, it’s hard not to think that on some level his potential is impacted. I say this because it requires a lot of time spent with one’s self mentally, and I’d think that being preoccupied by his mother would be limiting on many levels. This is one of the primary reasons I’m working on this issue for myself. It was only after retiring that I became aware of how much she’s in my head! Until I can resolve and put to rest some of these issues, I don’t have the quiet I need to be me.

[Choosinghope]

Hi Person2!
I am relatively young (27), but I've been making some realizations about potential. I am doing very well financially, am very stable, have a masters degree in my field, and have a very good career. So, that's all good. A lot of that drive and determination came from an underlying fear of disappointing my mom and having her write me off. In that regard, she actually helped me quite a bit in realizing my potential. This past year I made the connection to an incident my junior year of high school which really returned me into a workaholic perfectionist. I took the ACT a total of 5 times in high school, per my mom's insistence. My fourth time I took it, my score dropped from a 32 to a 30 (yes I know, shocking). My score report came in while I was at a summer camp, and when I got home, my mom didn't talk to me for about a week because she was so angry at me for not trying hard enough and throwing away my future. Her whole reaction made it very clear to me that my current best was nowhere good enough, and I about killed myself trying to prove that I was good enough after that. I graduated 3rd in my class of 700 and got a full-ride scholarship to my university. All of my 4 years in college, I worked basically non-stop, taking a full course load, working three part time jobs, and completing two very difficult degrees. I remember that I would always feel guilty at night when I was going to bed if I chose to read a book for fun for 15 minutes instead of using that time to study, and I could never really justify doing something for fun if it wouldn't help me succeed in some way. As you may imagine, I burnt out quickly and became very depressed for about a year.

 When I talked to her about it years later, she of course denied it and said that she did everything because she cared about me. Whatever. Anyway, since identifying that incident as an underlying cause, I've been making great strides in overcoming some of my more personally destructive tendencies, like perfectionism and workaholism. Though they have certainly helped me to achieve success and stability in life, they've definitely not helped me as a mentally or physically healthy person. So thankful that I'm getting over those tendencies and finding peace with myself  

[Person2]

Hi Choosinghope!

It’s inspiring to hear of your achievements but sad to hear how your motivations were manipulated by your mother. I get what you’re saying though, that a motivator is a motivator. Wow - you worked really hard to get to where you are! Sorry to hear you ended up suffering from burn out, but it’s understandable!

When I talked to her about it years later, she of course denied it and said that she did everything because she cared about me.

It’s so unsatisfying to try and have any type of conversation that could bring about any closure or even validation, right? There’s no one ‘there’.

since identifying that incident as an underlying cause, I've been making great strides in overcoming some of my more personally destructive tendencies, like perfectionism and workaholism.

This is so great! If you don’t mind my asking, what are some of the things you’re doing to help with these issues?

I recently read How to be an Imperfectionist by Stephen Guise and I found it helpful, especially this thing called mini habits - “ A mini habit is a very small positive behavior that you force yourself to do every day; its "too small to fail" nature makes it weightless, deceptively powerful, and a superior habit-building strategy.”

I’m really enjoying reading all these posts regarding life potential among this group, such as what, if anything, they felt limited by in their upbringing plus how they feel in retrospect about their achievements and path, like you communicate in your post.

Also it’s interesting for me to compare the differences of the BPD parent that gets too involved/enmeshed in their children’s education vs. those that don’t get involved at all, such as mine. For both, we miss out on appropriate support for developing our selves.

[Choosinghope]

Hi Person2!

This is so great! If you don’t mind my asking, what are some of the things you’re doing to help with these issues?

The biggest thing that has helped me has been adopting the mantra of, "That's good enough." Those are very powerful words for me because I am usually so driven by "It has to be perfect." Being able to set down the work, walk away from the task, not spend that extra hour, etc. and still be content with myself has been freeing.

Another thing was honestly having a bit of a break-down in college. I was working on a violin performance degree, and that is the kind of program where no matter how much you practice, you truly are never good enough. Eventually for my mental health, I decided to drop the performance aspect and just complete a music degree--something that allowed me to learn how to love music again and be content with where I was without the stress of performances. Looking back, I realize that was an important move for me because it really allowed me to adopt a healthier mindset towards many things in my life. I don't have to be the best or perfect at something as long as I am content, happy, and healthy. I love music, but I don't have to be the best. Now, I can very honestly look at my violin skills and say that I am content with my skill level.

Meeting my husband was also an important step. He very actively encourages me to stop working all the time, rest, relax, have fun, and really enjoy life. It definitely created some tension at first, because it went against my nature, but he's been helping me to approach a much healthier attitude towards work and achievement.

I have a hard time saying that this was all my mom's fault because it wasn't. I have a very type A personality, and I think that her actions where just the catalyst I needed to really embrace latent personality traits lurking underneath the surface. Still, after analyzing a lot of how I was raised, especially in regards to education and money, I have made some pretty clear decisions about how I would like to raise my own children. That's definitely something I can thank my mom for 

[Methuen]

Interesting thread.

As an only child, I oscillated between being white and black.  I would do anything to avoid being black.  Thus I was a "good well-behaved" child who did not bring any problems to my uBPD mom and NON dad.  I did not act out in school.  I was not a troublemaker.  Instead, I became an over-achiever at academics and music.  Looking back at it, I can see that uBPD mom groomed me to be like this because it benefitted her by bringing her attention.  As an adult, I was a work-a-holic.  I can see now how mom benefitted, which of course bothers me.  It wasn't unconditional love.  On the other hand, her BPDness drove me to achieve my potential in some ways, while still  hurting me in others.  It's the silver lining I guess.  Now that I'm retired, I'm finding balance in my life.  Slow learner.