Hi Kermit!
I am tired a lot of the time and if I do go out I like to go to playgroups where my kids are entertained and social.
This is awesome, and exactly what you should be doing. Great job parenting!
She just cannot censor herself. She's very passive-aggressive.
"Mom, we took the kids skiing on the weekend." "Oh well, you must have lots of money don't you..."
So my suggestion here is to not share anything personal. With my mom, we talk about general topics, such as the weather, current events, and other than that, it's all about her. She's become somewhat narcissistic. If she asks something about me, and I start to answer, before I've even had a chance to finish, she starts talking about herself or changes the topic. It used to bother me, for the longest time It doesn't any more. I've just accepted that she doesn't care/isn't interested. So, if your mom wants to reply with those kinds of negative and "edgy" destructive comments, I would try avoiding disclosing personal info so she doesn't have any ammunition.
"Are you upset about something mom?" "No.No. I'll just schedule a time and hopefully, you can fit me into your schedule."
For this one I would suggest trying mindfulness, and a technique I've learned called "noting".
I spend a lot of time thinking about if I did something wrong, how I could make it better.
This is probably a waste of energy. How much time do you think she spends reflecting on what she could do to improve her own quality of life, or make
you feel better?
She wanted me to call every day/every other day to talk. That was exhausting because our conversations were always about drama: with my sibling, with my dad, negative, negative, people that she doesn't like, jealousy, trash talk, etc.
I'm guessing you've already communicated to her that you don't like this?
Quite a while ago, I told my mom I didn't like hearing about other people that weren't there to defend themselves, and
gossip. My mom loves gossip. I hate gossip. At the same time, I told her I didn't like talking about negative things because it did not make me feel better. She doesn't like it when I give a different way of looking at something eg. glass half full rather than half empty. I always give examples with her when she goes glass half empty on me. I will also often come out and say to her "that's a negative thing to say", and she doesn't like me pointing out her negativity either. Then I always switch the topic to something positive. I don't know if she's actually started censoring herself, or if it's just behavior modification at work (cause she really doesn't like having her negativity pointed out to her), but I get less negativity from her now than I used to. Until the next dysregulation. I'll take whatever I can get.
She wanted me to call every day/every other day to talk.
This is because of her emotional enmeshment. Honestly, you don't have time for that. My mother used to be like this too Kermit. I get it. How I got my mom out of the habit isn't a story worth telling here. Next time she says that maybe try SET.
"I care about you mom. It sounds like you are feeling alone and would like more social conversation. Maybe you could talk to _______ (friend or sibling or ...?)."
SET is a really amazing tool as it is designed to address the root of her emotion, which makes her feel validated. You are also providing a solution, right?
You have 4 kids, a husband, a house, and a million things that need to be done.If she can't respect that, SET may help you, as will setting boundaries. She needs to hear it's just not possible to talk to her every day. She will also like to hear you still love her, if that's something you are comfortable saying. If not, don't say it.
So I told her I couldn't talk all the time, I was busy during the day. AND now she doesn't call me at all. I'm exhausted.
Enjoy this "silent treatment". It probably won't last, but she initiated it, and it's a great way to break the habit of "talking every day".
Kermit, it is SOO OK to not feel guilty because of the silent treatment. You haven't done anything wrong. Just keep being there for your kids and H.
