Feeling lost and confused

[Depression = 72% of members]

So where do I begin. My exBPD and I were together 20 years ago and were together approx 1 year. He lives in the UK and I live in the US. Most of that time was long distance which was very difficult. We fell in love so I thought and made it work. He was undiagnosed at the time and he eventually broke up with me he said due to distance. We still remained in contact over the years.  4 years after we broke up he came to the states and we met up which was wonderful. It was like old times. When he came back a second time a few months later, he wanted to meet up again. This time he changed his mind as I was on my way to see him and said no do not come. Broke my heart again. I tried for years to move on from just the initial break up and it was so difficult. I ended up finally trying to move on. I got married and had  two kids. We still managed to talk on and off over the years just as friends though. Fast forward to now, I am going through a divorce. My exBPD and I have been speaking for 8 months again after not speaking for about 2 years. I contacted him because well it  never usually went that long without speaking and we were friends. There was some miscommunication when I contacted him this time and he hd thought I blocked him. He was just diagnosed around that time with BPD and I was the first person he discussed it with. I poured myself into educating myself on it. We have become very close again and I asked him why he did not want to see me that last time?and he told me because he was afraid that we would get back together? I was confused about that and just let it be. Since his BPD diagnosisI felt like I have been so supportive, gave him his space. He would thank me all the time for being there cause noone else was.  I helped  him get through some really tough days, and I was always there.  It was almost like old times. We were planning on spending some time together in a few months which would be 15 years since we last saw each other. Last week i said how happy he made me and it has been a downfall since then. He said we need to rethink our situation and he does not see how a relationship would work because he lives in UK and I live in US plus I have two kids now and that he was sorry for hurting me.  I was very hurt and said some very mean things I shouldn’t have. He cut me off completely for a few days and then started speaking to me again after I initiated it. Took  days of apologizing and validation. I asked if it could be sexual again and he said He does not see it happening anytime soon. I then told him I would like to discuss the boundaries he mentioned and that he was right about alot of stuff we discussed because well he was. Now he has cut me off again within a day of coming back after I asked him about the boundaries  and I am at a loss as to what to do, do I just let him be? I have always loved him more than anyone, even after all of these years. I want to support him because he really is a good person when you separate him from the BPD. He is starting therapy soon which I hope he will stay with. Even after researching what I should do, I still feel lost right now.

[Ambam82]

So where do I begin. My exBPD and I were together 20 years ago and were together approx 1 year. He lives in the UK and I live in the US. Most of that time was long distance which was very difficult. We fell in love so I thought and made it work. He was undiagnosed at the time and he eventually broke up with me he said due to distance. We still remained in contact over the years.  4 years after we broke up he came to the states and we met up which was wonderful. It was like old times. When he came back a second time a few months later, he wanted to meet up again. This time he changed his mind as I was on my way to see him and said no do not come. Broke my heart again. I tried for years to move on from just the initial break up and it was so difficult. I ended up finally trying to move on. I got married and had  two kids. We still managed to talk on and off over the years just as friends though. Fast forward to now, I am going through a divorce. My exBPD and I have been speaking for 8 months again after not speaking for about 2 years. I contacted him because well it  never usually went that long without speaking and we were friends. There was some miscommunication when I contacted him this time and he hd thought I blocked him. He was just diagnosed around that time with BPD and I was the first person he discussed it with. I poured myself into educating myself on it. We have become very close again and I asked him why he did not want to see me that last time?and he told me because he was afraid that we would get back together? I was confused about that and just let it be. Since his BPD diagnosisI felt like I have been so supportive, gave him his space. He would thank me all the time for being there cause noone else was.  I helped  him get through some really tough days, and I was always there.  It was almost like old times. We were planning on spending some time together in a few months which would be 15 years since we last saw each other. Last week i said how happy he made me and it has been a downfall since then. He said we need to rethink our situation and he does not see how a relationship would work because he lives in UK and I live in US plus I have two kids now and that he was sorry for hurting me.  I was very hurt and said some very mean things I shouldn’t have. He cut me off completely for a few days and then started speaking to me again after I initiated it. Took  days of apologizing and validation. I asked if it could be sexual again and he said He does not see it happening anytime soon. I then told him I would like to discuss the boundaries he mentioned and that he was right about alot of stuff we discussed because well he was. Now he has cut me off again within a day of coming back after I asked him about the boundaries  and I am at a loss as to what to do, do I just let him be? I have always loved him more than anyone, even after all of these years. I want to support him because he really is a good person when you separate him from the BPD. He is starting therapy soon which I hope he will stay with. Even after researching what I should do, I still feel lost right now.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi Ambam and welcome.

Thanks for sharing your story with us, I know that can be difficult.

You mentioned you have done a lot of reading about BPD.  What have you read?  Have you had a chance to check out any of the resources here or are you just taking a breath for now?

We get it here.  The back and forth that can happen in these relationships can make your head spin until you learn what is going on and even then it is difficult.

Right now, can I suggest you give him some space?  A lot of times pwBPD (people with BPD) will pull away in relationships when they get too close or even when fear of abandonment kicks in, they can pull away in an effort to avoid the hurt that can occur if you do leave them.  (Hope that made sense.) 

Anyway, when you can, read other threads and check out the How to get the most out of this site thread that is tacked to the top of this board.

Share more when you can.  Jump into other threads too.  You can learn a lot that way.

Again,

[Ambam82]

Thank you! I have read a few books “Loving someone with borderline personality disorder” and also “ I hate you don’t leave me” although I did gain alot of knowledge, I still feel it is not enough. These books have really helped over the past few months however I feel I have hit a wall. I have also googled alot and read alot of forums. That is how I found this place , and I hope to learn more.  I am giving him his space. Thanks