Heartbroken: will get none of my mom's things

[zachira]

I have just found out that I will be getting none of my mother's things. The lawyer apparently sent me an email and letter about the division of my mother's things in December neither of which I received. It is now too late because the estate has apparently gone through probate, and I will apparently get cash for my third. My brother with BPD insists I am lying about never receiving the letter and email, and will not let me have anything even though everything is still at mom's house and nothing has been officially divided up. I am heartbroken as there are so many small remembrances I would like to have from my childhood, nothing valuable. I am also heartbroken because I would like to have ended things with getting along with my two siblings with BPD while continuing to maintain low contact.
My brother with BPD has made completely false allegations against me for years, and now accuses me of doing everything to get in the way of settling the estate, even though I made many concessions to keep the peace. If I ask for one thing, than I am a trouble maker. In my FOO, my role has always been to be invisible and never ask for anything or express an opinion, and to be the person to blame. While reading one of my mother 's cards recently, I read "you are my consternation". I am indeed the consternation for picking my battles, and occasionally speaking up. For example, when my mom first started getting home health care, I insisted my brother stop sending the home health care staff home early. They were all retired women who signed up for a specific shift at the house, and badly need the money. They were extremely kind to mom, yet at a certain point she would tell them to get out, that she did not need them anymore, usually an hour or so before the shift was up. My brother was angry about my saying anything, insisting that all the home health care workers were glad to leave early, while it was obvious these women were just barely making ends meet, including my being told this by some of them. I could not go along with my mother and brother abusing these kind caring women. So this is how things go. I try to be careful and say little, yet it is inevitable that I am human, and sometimes can not go along with things as they are. Any ideas about what to do about what has happened with not being allowed to have any of my mother's things? I haven't slept all night and I need to get back to baseline. There is so much heartbreak and I feel so alone most of the time. I have wonderful friends and some close family members, yet I try not to talk with them too much about my problems, even though they are indeed very supportive and good listeners, as I want most of the time spent with friends and family members to be about enjoying each other. I feel for the rest of my life, I will always need to take time to grieve the losses of growing up in such an abusive dysfunctional family. Thank you for reading this. I always appreciate your responses.

[Methuen]

Hi Zachira,

It must be such a terrible shock for you to hear this bad news that you will not receive a single item of your mother's, and then be treated so badly about it by your brother.  Especially when the stuff is still in her house, and you are denied access.

I am heartbroken as there are so many small remembrances I would like to have from my childhood, nothing valuable. I am also heartbroken because I would like to have ended things with getting along with my two siblings with BPD while continuing to maintain low contact.

I am so sorry you have to bear all this pain.

The lawyer apparently sent me an email and letter about the division of my mother's things in December neither of which I received. It is now too late because the estate has apparently gone through probate

It is quite a coincidence that neither the email nor the letter arrived.  When I have not received an email or text someone says they sent, there have been a number of times it wasn't actually in their sent file, but they thought and believed they had sent it.  Next time you visit the lawyer, would you feel comfortable asking him to show it to you from his sent file?   At the same time, I would ask the lawyer if the letter was sent registered mail, since it is obviously an important piece of communication.  That way you would have to sign for it, and such an important piece of mail couldn't get "lost".  The final thing I would ask the lawyer, is if s/he attempted to make any personal contact with you via phone when you never responded.  Do they not have some duty to make personal contact with something as important as a Will?  

Sending you an email and a letter which you never receive, and then saying there is nothing they can do when you don't reply, seems a little "weak" to me.  Maybe that's truly all a lawyer has to do, but they are professionals, and I feel like they must have some duty to establish a personal contact so that this exact situation cannot arise. i.e. you reply to an email, you sign for a piece of registered mail, or you answer his/her phone conversation.

With the email, is it possible it could have gone to your junkmail or spam file because it wasn't from a known or trusted source?  Could you look there for it going back to December?  Your family members (eg brother) sound deliberately nasty.  Is it possible that there is any way that letter could have been intercepted?  It is just very strange that you received neither piece of communication.

It doesn't sit quite right with me.  It doesn't feel "just" or "fair", and it's made worse by the fact that its coming from a lawyer.  Or is it?  Who told you nothing can be done because its gone to probate?  The actual lawyer, or your brother, or some other family member?

I dunno Zachira.  I haven't entirely given up hope that perhaps you may still get be able to get a few small items.  Anybody would have a strong reaction to that terrible news, but I am hoping that once the reaction settles some, that there is a path forward through this once you are able to feel calmer again, and that maybe, just maybe, there is a way you can still access a few momentos.  It just seems completely unjust and unreasonable that you can't have that.

I have wonderful friends and some close family members, yet I try not to talk with them too much about my problems, even though they are indeed very supportive and good listeners, as I want most of the time spent with friends and family members to be about enjoying each other.

I am so glad to hear you also have some good people in your life.  I hear you about not talking too much about your problems, but this goes beyond the kind of family problem I think you are referring to.  People may have thoughts or suggestions or experience.  When it comes to lawyers, I have no experience, and I know nothing.  But I'm a reader, and in many novels, I have read about lawyers reaching a long lost family member on the other side of the world about a Will, so it seems to me this lawyer should be responsible for confirming actual contact with you.  I would hope a way through this quagmire for you somehow.

Do you do meditation at all?  I have a meditation app that I use when I can't sleep.  The longest I have had to use it for is maybe two hrs.  It's usually a lot less.  The app works for me, but that's not to say it would work for you.  But when your hurting brain can't let go of something so difficult as this, finding a strategy could be helpful because sleep is going to be super important for you right now, to help restore you back to baseline.

 

[Methuen]

My brother with BPD has made completely false allegations against me for years, and now accuses me of doing everything to get in the way of settling the estate, even though I made many concessions to keep the peace.

Probably because you think rationally and thinking rationally gets in his way.  Does he by any chance have issues with control?

[zachira]

Methuen,
Some great ideas. I am going to call the lawyer and ask her to send me a copy of the letter certified/registered mail. She never sent me anything certified/registered which is extremely unprofessional on her part. This is my first step. Then I am thinking of contacting the State Bar Association once I have the letter. I definitely agree that such an important piece of communication should have been sent in a way that it was made sure I received it.
I have decided that whatever I get out of the house, as I do have some things there that are mine, I will have to have someone come with me. My sister is suggesting that they will have to go and get the things that belong to me (that are not part of mom's estate) will probably have to be picked up by her and my BIL. My brother is just crazy, paranoid as all get out, truly BPD all the way! He has accused me of everything from child abuse (of him) to elder abuse of my mother ( when in fact he was the one that abused my mother.) I realize he is unsafe to be around and could possibly accuse me of something that never happened and call the police. When I go this summer, I will have to take into consideration my personal safety. Based on all that has happened, I want to go permanently NC with my brother ASAP. I have suffered all of my life dealing with my mother with BPD and other dysfunctional relatives, and I need to lead a normal life.
Thank you for your reply. I am keeping all things you have suggested as options to try. Thank you. I am needing to post now so I can get all my sadness out and get back to baseline. At some point, I am just going to sit down and cry my eyes out, as that always helps me to move on.

[zachira]

Methuen,
You are right on that my brother with BPD has issues with control. Several years ago, when my youngest brother, the kind one, was dying of cancer, my brother with BPD got terribly upset when I went shopping with my sister and bought my brother with cancer some new clothes. (My brother was terminal, could die any day with most of his clothes not fitting and living in ragged clothing. I asked him if her would like some new clothes and he said yes. He thanked both me and my sister for the clothes.) My brother with BPD got angry because two pairs of the pants were too small, accused me of putting my brother on a diet in hopes he would lose weight. Shortly afterwards, my sister communicated to me that she and my brother (the one with BPD) felt it would be best if I did not come and see my brother with cancer anymore. My brother with BPD was apparently upset that I did something for my brother with cancer, that I was somehow taking over my brother with BPD's role as the caretaker and hero. I feel that a similar dynamic was operating with my mother. My brother with BPD hated my mother with BPD for years and wanted nothing to do with her. Then when mom got sick, my brother with BPD became her caretaker. He got very mad when I did anything for mom, eventually kicked me out of Christmas, and made it clear he did not want me to visit her at all. It all started with me checking in with him for Christmas about when I was coming and him saying it was okay. Then several days after I had bought my non refundable airplane ticket, he blew up and made it clear he did not want me to come at all, and I didn't which resulted in losing the money on the plane ticket. The next Christmas, he refused to give mom a Christmas ornament I bought her (I always decorated the house for Christmas until I was not allowed to come anymore. ) So yes, there are control issues, and it is helping me to get back to baseline just writing about this and getting your helpful thoughts.

[Methuen]

Zachira,

I'm so glad you found my reply helpful.

I have decided that whatever I get out of the house, as I do have some things there that are mine, I will have to have someone come with me. My sister is suggesting that they will have to go and get the things that belong to me (that are not part of mom's estate) will probably have to be picked up by her and my BIL.

Yay, yes to this!  Perfect!  Not going alone is a WISE decision, and I'm so glad to hear your sister has offered to pick up your things.

I am going to call the lawyer and ask her to send me a copy of the letter certified/registered mail. She never sent me anything certified/registered which is extremely unprofessional on her part. This is my first step. Then I am thinking of contacting the State Bar Association once I have the letter.

Yay, yes to all this too, including the State Bar Association.  Don't "think" it, but "do" it.  A respectful letter asking the right questions is needed, perhaps if only to hopefully prevent this from happening to someone else.

 

I realize he is unsafe to be around and could possibly accuse me of something that never happened and call the police. When I go this summer, I will have to take into consideration my personal safety. Based on all that has happened, I want to go permanently NC with my brother ASAP. I have suffered all of my life dealing with my mother with BPD and other dysfunctional relatives, and I need to lead a normal life.

I think it is very wise for you to "realize" or "accept" this.  It is probably a hard thing to accept about one's own brother.  NC ASAP sounds like a good decision.  Yes, you need, and deserve, to live a normal life.  

 

[Methuen]

You are right on that my brother with BPD has issues with control.

I am not surprised to hear this.  I picked up on it because it was sounding and feeling familiar as my H has a sister with behavior similar to your brother in some ways, but not as severe as the examples you have reported.  Enough to be able to recognize it as control though.  His mental illness and control issues sound severe Zachira.  The story about buying the clothes for your brother with cancer, and the Christmas story about the plane ticket must have been so incredibly difficult for you to live through.  And that stuff keeps coming back up at times like this.  

My brother with BPD was apparently upset that I did something for my brother with cancer, that I was somehow taking over my brother with BPD's role as the caretaker and hero.

Yep, instead of just seeing it as you wanting to do something kind for your ailing brother, he probably took it as a personal criticism against him that he should have done the clothes shopping.  Then he reacted emotionally.  A sign of an unhealthy person.

In another thread you asked if your brother could have BPD?  It's sounding like it could be BPD with these examples.  He seems to react to things emotionally, and has issues with control.  I wonder if he felt any abandonment after your mom died?

My brother with BPD hated my mother with BPD for years and wanted nothing to do with her. Then when mom got sick, my brother with BPD became her caretaker.

Interesting.  

You are a good person Zachira.  You did the best you could under difficult circumstances right? Thats all that matters.  You tried to do what was right by your mother when your brother started sending home care workers home early for your mom, and when you and your sister went clothes shopping for your brother with cancer.  

it is helping me to get back to baseline just writing about this and getting your helpful thoughts.

Glad to hear it.   Write as much as you like.

[zachira]

Methuen,
Thank you for supporting my decisions and ideas about what to do, some of which I have decided based on your input which is so valuable because it really helps with the gas lighting that I endure from my family members with BPD and other dysfunctional disorders. I have often posted about how the scapegoating and gas lighting has gone on my father's side for 6 generations and exists in my mother with BPD's family as well. It is all so ingrained. I have talked about in previous posts how my maternal aunt, my paternal aunt, and paternal uncle were all family scapegoats whom many members talked very badly about, and who were extremely kind to me. I grew up listening to hundreds of hours of my parents talking badly about their scapegoated siblings who were always kind about me. What my parents said about their siblings was not all that relevant, true, or just grossly exaggerated things that happened sometimes as much as 60 years ago. My scapegoated aunts and uncle could never get any credit for so many of the wonderful things they did. I remember one time my aunt came and stayed with my siblings and me as teenagers for a week or so because my father had a heart attack on the other side of the country. She fed us dinner every night and spent the night. My mother had an absolute meltdown when she found out her SIL had been there and my father was also angry. This was my aunt who got pregnant as a teenager and she only wanted to protect her niece and nephews, help our family in a time of need. I am far from a perfect person, have made many mistakes in my life, have many times had to apologize to people for not treating them right, yet I am not the monster my brother with BPD claims I am. It just scares me all the things he has accused me of and some of the dirty looks I get from family members that do not know what is really going on behind the scenes. I am now working on moving to an area, where I will be with family members that have little contact with my immediate family and more closely related relatives, yet I know I will be welcomed and invited to holidays. I have been invited for years to visit them and was so embarrassed by how my sister took advantage of them which they have complained about. I clearly like them and they like me, and I know one of my challenges is to stop being so embarrassed by how my family members act, and not avoid contact with relatives that have indeed been kind to me, and who do not judge me for how my sister behaves.

[zachira]

"His mental illness and control issues sound severe Zachira. "
Yes, indeed, and this is what hurts probably the most. I have nothing but good intentions with my brother with BPD most of the time, and he sees me as someone out to harm him and my mother when she was alive. I would so much like to help him yet know I can't. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about all the relatives I have with BPD and other personality disorders, different serious mental health disorders, and Aspergers. What is certain, is that people with mental health disorders, and developmental disorders like Aspergers, tend to marry each other. I never had children, and have compassion for those that post on the children's board knowing that if I had had children, I might very well have had a seriously mental ill child that needed life time care.
My BIL suggested a few years ago, that my siblings and I buy a house with my brother with BPD, because he would be unable to live on his own after mom died. My brother with BPD has chosen to buy mom's house, and accused me multiple times of wanting to buy the house, and that I was preventing him for buying the house. I let him buy the house without any problems yet he continues to be terrified of having me in the house. I really did not want him to buy the house not because I wanted it, but because I think it is unhealthy for my brother to continue to live in the house where he was abused all through childhood and the many years he was mom's caretaker. I have kept these thoughts to myself. The choice to go NC as soon as I can with my brother is painful. I do believe in helping family members yet I know it serves no purpose to burden my life with someone who wants to ruin mine. Hopefully, it will help my brother to not have me around to blame, yet I fear he will isolate himself and slowly commit suicide. There is really nothing I can do at this point to prevent my brother from continuing on his path of self destruction. He currently lives alone, has no friends, sleeps most of the day, and surely is depressed with lots of paranoia. So sad and so painful, yet there is nothing more I can do.

[Methuen]

I have been invited for years to visit them and was so embarrassed by how my sister took advantage of them which they have complained about. I clearly like them and they like me, and I know one of my challenges is to stop being so embarrassed by how my family members act, and not avoid contact with relatives that have indeed been kind to me

Yay and yes!  This is easy to support, as I believe it's helpful to surround ourselves with positive people, and avoid the negative influences where we can.  When we can't avoid the negative influences, we have BPD friendly tools we can use to reduce the risks, and also protect ourselves.

It sounds like you have a rough plan moving forward since the shock of the news about the Will.   This is good to hear!

[Methuen]

he sees me as someone out to harm him and my mother when she was alive.

You were the scape goat.

I really did not want him to buy the house not because I wanted it, but because I think it is unhealthy for my brother to continue to live in the house where he was abused all through childhood and the many years he was mom's caretaker.

Right, your intentions were good, but BDP brother is seeing things from a distorted, irrational, and emotional point of view.  As you know, there is nothing you can do to change that.

The choice to go NC as soon as I can with my brother is painful. I do believe in helping family members yet I know it serves no purpose to burden my life with someone who wants to ruin mine. Hopefully, it will help my brother to not have me around to blame, yet I fear he will isolate himself and slowly commit suicide. There is really nothing I can do at this point to prevent my brother from continuing on his path of self destruction. He currently lives alone, has no friends, sleeps most of the day, and surely is depressed with lots of paranoia. So sad and so painful, yet there is nothing more I can do.

It sounds like you have moved into the "acceptance" stage.  This sounds like progress on the path to looking after yourself, and moving on with your life.  Good for you Zachira.  

[zachira]

Methuen,
Thanks once again for listening and your kind reflective responses.
I know that I have to take the high road. I am right now in crisis mode, and keep crying off and on, yet I am doing things today that will help me to move to another area, start a new life, and not be so dependent on my disordered family members for validation and family life. We have to take the high road when the worst things happen to us. I know I cannot tolerate any more abuse from my brother. I have been naive in thinking that I could possibly tolerate a low contact relationship with him. I am now feeling hopeful, know the next few months are going to be hard, yet I am feeling optimistic about being happier in the long run as I grieve the loss of my relationship with my brother and other family members who scapegoat me and the other family members who are undeserving targets of the BPD malicious gossip chain.

[Methuen]

You are welcome Zachira.  

I'm still quite bothered by the lawyer not making personal contact with you in any way.

I don't see how the lawyer sending an email and/or a letter can be considered making contact, if there is no confirmation from you of receipt of these communications.  In fact, until you reply to the email, or sign for a piece of registered mail, I would take that to imply NO contact has been made, from the law's point of view.  So how could it go to probate if there was no confirmation from you, but you were named in the Will (since you are getting 1/3 cash).  I'm at a loss to understand this, since the "law" is always about objective evidence. What has happened here seems very unjust.

If it was your brother who gave you this information, I would not believe him, and I would contact the lawyer directly with your concerns.  If the info came from the lawyer, then a formal complaint process to the Bar Association seems warranted, because it all just feels "off" and wrong to me, and I am someone who has no vested interest in the outcome.  Just a citizen who knows nothing about estate law, and absolutely no experience with lawyers in my life other than having my own Will drawn up.

I know that I have to take the high road. I am right now in crisis mode, and keep crying off and on, yet I am doing things today that will help me to move to another area, start a new life, and not be so dependent on my disordered family members for validation and family life.

   

 

I am now feeling hopeful, know the next few months are going to be hard, yet I am feeling optimistic about being happier in the long run

Yes Yes!  

[Spindle0516]

Zachira- I am by no means an expert, but I worked for a law firm through college that handled estates and estate planning. Whenever we handled communication regarding these matters, we always sent it via certified or registered mail. If it hadn't been signed for we did not assume the person received it. I agree with Methuen- further communication with the attorney seems warranted. I hope that contacting them can provide some clarity and resolution, but if it doesn't, exploring it further with the bar association seems reasonable to me too.

Also, I really believe that we all deserve to be around people that help us be the best versions of ourselves- not perfect people, but people who love and support us and people who allow us to love and support them.

Now family can be extra complicated, and it is rarely simple, but it makes me glad to know that there are people who have shown love and kindness to you. And it warms my heart that you can be in a place where they are close and accessible to you.

I know that deciding to go NC with your brother must be more painful than I can possibly imagine, but it seems very clear that you have tried so hard to make it work, and now it is time to take care of yourself. 

[zachira]

Spindle0516,
Thank you. I agree with you and Metheun that such an important communication should have been sent by certified or registered mail. I am going  to contact the lawyer first. I also plan to contact the Bar Association. This lawyer had just retired when my mother died and she made it clear she no longer wanted to be working and just get the estate settled. I am sure it did not help that my brother with BPD has filled her ears with all kinds of dirt about me.
Yes, the good part is I will be making  some big changes by moving to another state. I had been thinking about this for awhile, and now I know is the time to do it.

[Harri]

Hi zachira.

I am sorry this is going on.  It all sounds so painful and unnecessary.   

I do want to say that even as sad as you are right now, you sound freer to me than ever before.  Not sure if you can feel that or see that right now so I figured I would mention it.

 

[Turkish]

The lawyer apparently sent me an email and letter about the division of my mother's things in December neither of which I received

Your brother is lying. 

[zachira]

Harri,
I think you are right about my feeling freer than before. This time that my brother has been so abusive, I have not found myself paralyzed like before and though I have shed quite a few tears, I am taking active steps to go NC with my brother. I now know there isn't any hope of ever having a functional relationship with him. I am glad though that I listened to my therapist years ago when she told me not to cut off my family, and the work we did helped me to become a separate person from my enmeshed family members and get to the point where I am ready to go my separate ways as soon as most of the family business is settled.
My cousin told me the same thing that this is all so unnecessary. Somehow my brother cannot face that he was abused by mom even in her later years, and he instead accuses me of abusing both him and mom.
Thank you Harri. I appreciate your insight. This is all a process and we get better in doing what we have to do with practice and time.

[Notwendy]

Zachira- I am sorry for your loss. I understand this as BPD mother didn't let me have mementos from my father. It was a horrible shock at the time of his death to have her do this. She meant to be this cruel- she was angry at me and knew it would be hurtful.

People react to loss in different ways. Even in families without BPD, dividing estates can be crazy- that's why there are lawyers and I agree with the others to contact yours.

For a while after my father's death, my mother "used' his possessions to manipulate me. She'd decide I could have something and then when I was there, change her mind. Eventually she did allow me to have some things.

My mother's decision had consequences I don't think she intended. She was used to being abusive and then expecting everyone to forget, kiss and make up, and she gets a free pass. I would not say I am holding a grudge over them, but her decision changed my perspective of her. She knew how much I cared about my father and my emotional attachment to some of his possesions. I was grieving the loss of my father and her decision was cold and calculating. There was the shock of the decision and then- the shock that my family member could do such a thing.

Zachira- could this be a part of it? You knew there were issues with your brother, but I think we all hold on to some tiny bit of hope that at such a time, the family member would at least consider doing the right thing or show some slight glimmer of empathy. There's the loss of the person ( your mother) then the loss of the mementos- but what was also a loss was the loss of my idea of what I thought my family was. Knowing your brother could do such a thing is a shock.

Time helps. It doesn't change the loss, but it does help with coping. I say that because as much as my father's mementos are precious to me, at first, they were a form of hanging on for me. I didn't want to let go of him, and I still miss him. But over time, the reality that he's gone has been more apparent, and his possesions feel that way too. I am glad I have them to keep and pass on to the kids. It's also been an adjustment as his death changed our family dynamics. He was a sort of glue that kept us connected, and without that, the emotional disconnect between me and my mother appears to be larger without him. For you, Zachira- this change is also a loss. Take care of yourself.

[zachira]

Notwendy:
Thank you for your response. You really understand that my brother is being deliberately cruel to me, because I am not responding the way he wants. He is like your mother in that he expects to be able to treat me badly and then act as if he never did any of the terrible things he did.

"Zachira- could this be a part of it? You knew there were issues with your brother, but I think we all hold on to some tiny bit of hope that at such a time, the family member would at least consider doing the right thing or show some slight glimmer of empathy. There's the loss of the person ( your mother) then the loss of the mementos- but what was also a loss was the loss of my idea of what I thought my family was. Knowing your brother could do such a thing is a shock."

You really hit the nail on the head with this one. Yes, I have become increasingly shocked by how my brother has been more cruel to me than I can ever could imagine possible. Last fall, my brother called me and he justified how he was mistreating me by telling me the following: He claims I was abusing my mother and he was going to call Adult Protective Services on me the last time I stayed at mom's house for Christmas in 2016. This was based on my turning down the thermostat one to two degrees because mom was sleeping nearly all day every day and I thought having the heat too high might be a contributing factor. I calmly responded by saying that we both abused mom (which I didn't). Then I told him how he abused mom which he did: by refusing to feed her for weeks on end when mom was starving to death eating a few hundred calories a day due to her depression which mom's best friend was very upset about, by not getting medical help when mom was unable to get out of bed for several days, maybe weeks,  (After that I arranged for mom to have home health care.) and by doing everything to intimidate me so I would not come to visit mom. He also told me that one of the reasons he refused to come pick me up at the airport anymore was because of how my other brother went to pick me up at the airport (some 30-40 years ago) and I did not show up. He also accused me of abusing him as a child (which I didn't). The point with all of this is my brother's attacks on me have escalated since mom died. I think I am the natural target as the scapegoat, and at this point, it is dangerous for me to have anything to do with him, so I need to cut my losses and protect my safety. I am really feeling some relief in realizing that once I do not have any direct contact with my brother, I will no longer be directly abused by him. I really prefer knowing the score than being worried about what could happen. This is all reminds me how I first started going to therapy when my mother abused my brother who was dying of cancer and the social services had to get involved. I now know who my brother is (He is just like mom in what he is capable of doing to others, in particular blaming others for his own unhappy state.) I am anxious to get my things out of my mother's house this summer and hopefully my sister and BIL will follow through as she suggested in going to mom's house and picking up what is mine. I will not get any of mom's things that are part of the estate though and that is far better than being part of the ongoing cycle of abuse perpetrated by my brother with BPD. There is hope for a better life for me, whereas there is none for my brother. So sad, and it is what it is. I am not helping him by being the dumping grounds for his unhappiness. My spirits are lifting and I am going to be okay though always will have moments of sadness about how my family members have mistreated me.

[zachira]

Today things have really started to turn around. I woke up depressed and feeling like crying after two days of feeling stressed and two nights of having trouble sleeping. Then I got the most wonderful phone call. For years I have participated in an HOA in which the people running it were abusive and disrespectful. I was particularly disliked by many of the members because I would call out the abuse, particularly in meetings when I or another member was being disrespected and rudely treated. I thought things would never get better. Last summer we got a new President. We recently had two really productive respectful meetings. After the first meeting, some members told me how much they appreciated my contributions. The  phone call today was from the new President and she called me to say how much she appreciated how I had contributed to our second meeting and she gave me some specific examples. This call just meant the world to me, at a time when I am being abused by my brother for speaking up, and to have some of mom's things.
I sent out an email yesterday asking one of my distant cousins about moving to their area. She sent out another email to her branch of the family asking them to help me figure out where to move in that state. She also let me know they would be delighted to have me live in their area. I have since heard from several of the cousins, with all kinds of helpful information with answers to my questions and letting me know I would be welcome to move to their area. If I were to do so, I would be with a branch of the family, that does not see so much of the branch of the family I am from. All of this has  warmed my heart.
I tried to call the lawyer for the estate today, and have not heard from her. She made it clear after mom died, that she wanted to settle the estate quickly so she could enjoy her retirement. The phone number I have for her voice mail does not identify who the phone belongs to. I have also called the state Bar Association and the state agency responsible for disciplining lawyers. I feel that I am standing up for myself. If I do not get a response from the lawyer at some point, I will file a complaint against her, if nothing else to make what happened to me to be less likely happen to others: Lawyers should be required to send all important legal letters that require a response by certified and registered mail. If I had gotten the letter, I would have agreed to what the lawyer supposedly proposed according to my sister, which would be to take pictures of all the items on the list and then make a list of what I wanted. I realize now that going to mom's house for anything just sets my brother in panic mode because he is just plain paranoid, and I think his mental health is deteriorating rapidly with mom and her caretakers no longer around.
Also another distant cousin from another branch of the family called me last night to see how I was doing. So I have two branches of the family that are not that much involved with either of my siblings, nor do I believe particularly fond of either one of them, who have always welcomed me into their families.
The next few months will be hard as I prepare to move and hopefully get my personal belongings from my mom's house which my brother bought last fall. Yes, all in all I feel relieved and optimistic at this moment while sad it has come to eventually going NC with my brother and not being able to have some of mom's things.

[TelHill]

zachira,

I am sorry these hurtful things happened to you. It’s smart to contact this attorney, via email and phone call, first to request copies of the email, letter and USPS tracking number since it should have been sent certified at the very least.

Also, ask her which email address and street address she sent these documents to. Your brother may have given her a false “change.”  That happened to my mother from a nephew who wanted her share of a property. The lawyer heard nothing & my cousin stole this from her.  It was retrieved, but created a big mess.

Did the sibling who is friendly with you receive documentation in December?  Is it possible to have them send you a copy of what they received?

Hope it works out!

   

[GaGrl]

Have you entirely given up on asking your siblings for  one or two especially meaningful items?

When my step-grandmother died, having changed her will to completely disgusting my mother. Her best friend inherited and, being a right -thinking human being, graciously ensured that my mom got some meaningful family items.

[Notwendy]

I'm glad you are feeling better. It makes sense that if a pwBPD isn't able to manage their own uncomfortable feelings and they project them outward, that an event like this would result in them escalating their projection behaviors. It's tough to lose a parent. A dysfunctional person would "cope" with the tools they have.

My mother also escalated her behaviors when my father passed away. It makes sense that she would- it was tough on her too. But that didn't give her the right to be abusive. You don't have to accept this behavior from your brother.

Yes, it's a shock. Although my mother was abusive, I think my father's presence kept in in check some. He did a lot of emotional caretaking and gave her a lot of support. It was shocking to see how cold and calculating she can be.

On the other hand, my father was also a connection between me and my mother. If I wanted a relationship with him, it meant I had to tolerate her behaviors and allow her to do whatever she wanted. Setting any kind of boundary with her caused friction between me and my father. Now, I have boundaries. I am not cruel to her and I still do many nice things for her. However, any boundary is perceived by her as wrong. She doesn't like them. Our relationship has changed, and sadly, it feels distant. I also think this is the way it has always been, but that my father's warm personality and connection somehow mitigated this.

I think any change like this will change the family dynamics as well. My father was a stablizing and connecting force. Perhaps your mother was too. But you, Zachira- are who you are and can choose who to relate to and who not to relate to.

[zachira]

Help! The lawyer has retired and she does not respond to phone messages or email. She is no longer at the law firm, and the State Bar and disciplinary boards have no other contact info for her than the law firm she once worked at. She retired in October. My siblings refuse to help, and will not send me the letter that I was supposed to sign. My sister with BPD has already picked out what she wants, all the best things, even though all are still stored at mom's house. My brother with BPD has called up yelling saying I am lying about not receiving the correspondence and email from the lawyer. I am hurt beyond words. Nobody cared, neither one of my siblings or the lawyer whether I got anything from her house and did not bother to contact me when they did not hear from me. The lawyer should have at least sent the letter certified and registered. Any suggestions or ideas would be welcome. I am so sad that my mother's wishes are being disrespected. Mom had many beautiful things, often talked about how she wanted these things divided up among her children.

[GaGrl]

At this point, you'll need to address the legal questions to one of the law firm's partners.

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343410.msg13102772#msg13102772

Thank you.