Burnout + Guilt (brother with BPD)

[Firefly2019]

Hi guys. I have been LC with my brother with BPD for several months. This happened because I felt emotional burnout from trying to support him through a divorce and so I tried communicating boundaries which made him so angry that he backed off a lot. Now months later he is texting my husband asking if everyone hates him, he feels so alone, etc. I did not plan for the LC to be long-term, just until I recovered from the burnout... but it’s been months and I still feel emotionally exhausted just thinking about it. But I feel insanely guilty and selfish. I am just seeking some advice on how to handle the guilt of deciding not to play an active role in his support system... (though I don’t know it can be called a support system when he isn’t actively looking for positive support in terms of growth. It seems to me he’s just looking for someone to pull into the BPD storm).

[Thanks]

Hi. you know your brother so well, so it's likely you are 100% right that he is just trying to suck you into that dysfunctional interaction again. There are plenty of support people out there for him, especially therapists who could treat him. It's possible that if you get back in touch, it would be enabling to his abusive behavior. It may just be that you are doing the most loving thing by keeping him away from you. It's so hard - my sister has been like that for decades.
Good luck! Put yourself first -

[Firefly2019]

It may just be that you are doing the most loving thing by keeping him away from you. It's so hard - my sister has been like that for decades.
Good luck! Put yourself first -

Thanks for this. I feel it is a constant struggle to remind myself that support and love can look like a lot of different things, including keeping my distance. And it’s a whole other struggle to actually believe that when I do remember it.

[Thanks]

I know what you mean! Struggling to feel like you are doing the best thing for your brother by keeping distant. It's so counter-intuitive. Usually being close is best in a caring relationship. Keeping distant is more like tough love; we know it's good for them and we have to do it. But it feels unnatural.
 
I have felt that way for many years about my sister. Every now and then when she does something that seems nice, I start to get drawn in. Then she gets more and more intense, and the nastiness begins shortly. If I keep her more at arm's length, it doesn't get that far. Either way, I know she will decide I am evil and dangerous, and try to convince others of that (usually succeeds only briefly if at all, at this point.) So either way I lose, but if I keep her distant, I haven't been hurt and abused as much. That's as close to a win as this gets. I'm so grateful for the positive people in my life! Those relationships help me keep balanced.

[TelHill]

I know what you mean! Struggling to feel like you are doing the best thing for your brother by keeping distant. It's so counter-intuitive. Usually being close is best in a caring relationship. Keeping distant is more like tough love; we know it's good for them and we have to do it. But it feels unnatural.

It feels unnatural and painful to be distant from a problematic sibling. I will be going NC in another 15 days with my brother. I have to wait until his daughter’s (my niece) wedding.

My parents are gifting his pregnant daughter and soon-to-be SIL with my dad’s old car. I was friendly with my brother today & he told me to handle the DMV title transfer. It was very smooth how he said it. I said no politely. The car is a gift to your daughter and fiancé. They need to handle the title transfer.  This is not my job.

He’s asked me to do other grunt work for him many, many times over the past 20+ years.  I’ve been friendly and have done social things (dinner & movies) when my husband was alive with my brother.

My brother has always had some chore or passive aggressive dig at me. Am good at dodging the chores.  I kept trying hoping things would change. It feels painful to be treated like a throwaway maid.  He is very disrespectful towards his only sister.