How did they react when you said you were leaving?

[Boll2017]

I left a year ago.  I came back after a suicide threat.  I am preparing to go again.  This time going NC to prevent exposing myself to her emotional blackmail.

I am struggling with the idea of leaving a note.  I left one last year.  It didn’t say much.   She accused me of emotional abuse.  I hate to say it but I have this shame about not telling her face to face.

But she has a history of blocking the door.  Lots of acting out drama when raging.  I expect her to drop to the floor and pretend to faint.  I ask myself what then?  Call 911?   So much for heading out the door.

Has anyone else agonized how to leave?   How did the bpd SO react?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Boll2017, 

I'm so glad you asked this question! I have also been separated for a year.

I think it's really important to have a plan, a safety plan. As you indicated, "she has a history of blocking the door."  I think it's not at all about shame and finding a way to tell them before you leave. Your safety (and mine when I left was) is the biggest concern. We cannot predict how they'll respond, and when emotional regulation for them is so tough, the notice that you're leaving may cause extra drama. I had a plan in place that my T helped me put together. I planned ahead on where to go and be safe. It's a big decision!

So, tell me what your thoughts are about a safety plan? I look forward to brain storming with you. Where will you go?

Wools

[Rev]

Hi Boll2017,  

I'm so glad you asked this question! I have also been separated for a year.

I think it's really important to have a plan, a safety plan. As you indicated, "she has a history of blocking the door."  I think it's not at all about shame and finding a way to tell them before you leave. Your safety (and mine when I left was) is the biggest concern. We cannot predict how they'll respond, and when emotional regulation for them is so tough, the notice that you're leaving may cause extra drama. I had a plan in place that my T helped me put together. I planned ahead on where to go and be safe. It's a big decision!

So, tell me what your thoughts are about a safety plan? I look forward to brain storming with you. Where will you go?

Wools

I could not agree more. Wools is very wise. There is no way for this not to be messy. I planned for weeks.  In my case it was to confront her in the quickest way possible and provoke what needed to happen so that she felt in control.  But once I was out, I just kept going. She tried to charm me so many times - at least half a dozen in two months.

I did Cognitive Therapy because my emotions were all over the place. Soo much grief and regret and shock at what I had discovered. And the so much wanting to not be true. There was one day that I almost relented and agreed to meet with her. Thank God I didn't.

During all of this, I took as much coaching from my mentor as I could handle. Pretty much everything my mentor told me to do was for my own protection - this is not the time for feelings - its the time for safety - physical and psychological.  

Now, some 9 months later, I see the wisdom in doing some of things I was coached to do that seemed very cold hearted at the time.  Now that I see my ex for who she is objectively (a predatory abuser) I am so, so glad I had a plan. Had I given in, I would likely had a nervous breakdown.

Looking forward to hearing from you. Wools is right. This is a hard decision. We're here for you.

Rev

[Harri]

Hi there Boll.  I am so sorry things have reached this point for you.  I do want to reinforce what others have said about safety and having a plan.

We have a Safety Plan here that is quite detailed.  Not everything may apply but it is good to go through as it can help you anticipate things you may not have thought of. 

I am also going to move your thread to the bettering board, not because I want you to stay in your relationship or try to change your mind.  Rather it is so you will get help from people who are actively using the communication and relationship tools that will be vital as you plan your exit and while exiting your relationship.

Please check out the safety plan when you can.  We can help you work it through.

 

[Boll2017]

Thanks for the replies.  Today has been really difficult.  She had an episode last night where she was reliving a past slight from a friend of ours.  I think she senses something and is acting out in front of me.

I feel so much anger and resentment.   When I get this stressed my back goes out.  So now I can barely walk due to the spasms.

My plan was to take some more stuff out this morning.  But she wanted to stay home and take care of me.  I encouraged her to go. When I did she got this terrified look on her face.  I quickly relented and expressed appreciation for her concern. 

ThAnks for listening. I will post more about my exit plan.   With each passing day I want to be closer to escaping but when I think about it I am so anxious.

[Rev]

ThAnks for listening. I will post more about my exit plan.   With each passing day I want to be closer to escaping but when I think about it I am so anxious.

My friend … no problem whatsoever.  One day, you will be on the other side helping the next person. The anxiety is normal - which is why it's important to do whatever you can to stay in your rational self.

Be conscious about what you eat, drink (I stayed off of alcohol while I was getting out), go for walks, whatever.  Stay the course of what you feel you need to do.   

Tell yourself whatever you need for you to know that once you get to where you are safe, physically and psychologically (men tend to downplay emotional blackmail as a form of control, but that's what it is), then you will be better equipped to deal with what is in front of you.

You got this my friend.

Rev