context:
your wifes daughter, at the age of 14, has been through two separations of her parents.
a first is devastating, life changing, life altering. the first time, there are so many questions, mostly regarding how they are at fault.
a second is a deep, deep reinforcement of those questions, those feelings.
i think you are wise to ask your daughter to cut back on her responses.
your daughter has a deep sense of loyalty to you. shes inclined to take your side.
likewise, the same for her daughter.
so messages about try(umph) and the problem being her attitude, as good as the intentions are, are likely to be mighty invalidating, and to an ill equipped person full of questions, likely to equate to fault.
She’s saying “They’re just kids, they shouldn’t be doing this. You and <ex-H name> said it." I had to hold her up on that…I didn’t say that…and she’s bringing her ex into this….again.
you may be arguing minutia.
your wife has a real problem, and real experience with this. the point is less about "you vs her ex", and more about what her daughter is going through.
incidentally, shes communicating to you that she sees this as the end of the relationship. that may not be what youre trying to get across, it is how shes taking it.
1. is that the message you want to send? are you cool with it if thats how she sees it?
2. i would go overboard in communicating to DD14 that this is not her fault, not her role, not her attitude.