Am I in the wrong?

[purekalm]

   I believe I'm writing this for validation or to be told differently if I'm in the wrong.

    To try and make a long story short, I've had an online friend for a bit over two years. I did something unlike myself and reached out to him after reading some posts he made on a different website because I could feel the pain in his words. I fully expected to be told off or ignored but he responded and we got along well. That is, until I noticed things about him that made me think they were red flags, but I wasn't sure.

   After his first explosion, I was really distraught and wondering how I connected so quickly to someone that could be this way. It was truly painful and I was confused because I hadn't even realized I had connected so strongly. I keep my distance. Anyways, he came back after a time and we hesitantly went back to being friends because it was all truly a simple misunderstanding that he magnified into something it wasn't. This continued to happen many, many times throughout this couple years with the most recent time of him leaving a couple days ago.

   This time it was because I stood up for myself. I have had a hard time lately and honestly, a mental breakdown and rebuilding. In which, I kept my distance from him and told him so because he's blunt and I was feeling really fragile. I started talking again when I felt more stable and I was a bit frustrated with a family member and kind of wanted to vent a little but I know him and you never know if you'll get caring or downright mean. Because of this, I was a bit hesitant but told him in a way that I was not trying to talk down the person, just frustrated. He then said that he was "relieved"  because he thought I was having an incestuous relationship with this family member, "sorry." I was, I believe, understandably upset. He then proceeded to tell me basically to "just deal with it" about my frustrations. I was too angry to continue so I told him I was and that I'd be leaving for the night.

   I decided to write him an email to better explain why I was upset. It was the fact that not only was it way out of my character, what kind of person did he think I was to have that thought or suggest it? Why would he think that I wouldn't be upset? He flew off the handle any time he perceived I was saying something out of his character, calling me names, cussing at me, most recently calling me spiteful before this blow up. Why was it not ok for me to be upset?

   He wrote back angry and projecting saying I have "a massive victim complex" among other things. I've been through many things but I don't claim to be a victim, never have. It's also not the first time he's accused me of this. I replied and at the end I told him I was tired of fake love and that I won't walk on eggshells for him anymore wondering if what I text or say will tick him off. I knew that would be it. I knew he'd get angry and leave. He brought up what he's done for me after being upset at my comment about fake love and said he was out and to "go away".

  For the first couple days I felt guilty, like, where's my long suffering? I know he has issues too, couldn't I have just let it go? Etc. Then, I thought about all the things he'd say that he'd later deny, rarely apologizing for hurting me purposely with his words and what he knows about me, fishing and testing for information, not being equal, dishing out blunt and hurtful advice but won't even attempt to look at himself, always blaming me for what went wrong, etc. Yes, he seemed to truly care sometimes and he was there for me at times, but I never knew how long it would last and the "knife" would come from nowhere whenever I'd get comfortable enough to let my guard down.

   Part of my guilt is because I felt this huge relief when he left this time. I felt this cringe and knot in my stomach when he sent his last email. I hadn't looked yet, but knew he sent it. He said he hated drama but he created so much. Just for posting here he'd say that I'm just trying to find someone to kiss my butt and all that.

   After growing up with my dad treating me like this but to an extreme, my only romantic relationship being this way (possibly divorced this year, he left me and my son almost 4 years ago) and this and a different previous friend acting like this, I've realized a lot of patterns and what it is about myself that got me into the ones I had control over. They always flip if I push back and am not 100% agreeable. I know I'm responsible for the pain I've been through because it couldn't have happened if my boundaries were firmer from the beginning. I feel as though anyone that feels familiar I should steer clear of. The people who haven't felt familiar have been good people.

Thank you for anyone who read my rambling thoughts.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey purekalm, There's a book out there called When I Say No, Why Do I Feel Guilty, which could be the title of your post.  You might want to check it out.

Parting ways with a friend and/or romantic partner is bound to be challenging.  I suggest you get away from your need to determine whether you were in the wrong or not.  In my view, there's no "right" or "wrong" about a b/u; relationships don't work out for lots of reasons that are neither right nor wrong.

If the friendship/relationship no longer works for you, then it's time to move on.  Don't beat yourself up about it!

LuckyJim

[purekalm]

Very true. I couldn't think of a title and couldn't leave it blank so just asked the question. Haha

I will look that up. Thank you for the recommendation. I don't feel the guilt like I used to. I've been able to healthily detach from family and others who did make me feel that way to a panic inducing or giving in degree. I sometimes still struggle with it, just not as deeply.

I hear you and hadn't thought of it that way. That's why I wrote here, for an outside perspective. I do truly love my friend and wish things were not this way, but I also don't want a friendship that doesn't work both ways.

 I do have a couple healthy friendships, one in person and another online. It helps sometimes to balance out what has went on with this friend to the healthy ones. It keeps me from ruminating on questions and scenarios because I'm like, wait, no, that wasn't a healthy way to do that. I'm not perfect by any means, but I don't purposely hurt people and act like I didn't. I feel terrible if I did on accident.

That's great advice, because I'm good at that. I've always been told I'm my own worst critic. Though, I've come a long way from actually hating myself to accepting it's ok to make mistakes and it doesn't mean I'm a horrible person, I'm just a person.

Again, thank you. Sometimes I just need a different perspective.  =)

[Lucky Jim]

it's ok to make mistakes and it doesn't mean I'm a horrible person, I'm just a person.

Right, purekalm.  Hey, you're human, like the rest of us.  I suggest your embrace your imperfections as part of who you are.  Took me a while to figure out that self-love and self-acceptance are keys to recovering from my marriage to a pwBPD.  Self-love sounds easy, but is actually pretty hard for us Nons.  I would add that it's easy to judge oneself harshly, yet takes effort to accept oneself.  Your healthy friendships, as you note, provide a point of comparison.

LJ