Too many and too much.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have a question about my UBPDM.  She is aging, and her negative behaviors have drastically increased.  Is this common for BPD?
A little glimpse into our life.
I have a DSchiz adopted son, a DBP DIL who is unmedicated and acting irrationally. 
My schiz son was advised on the sly by the DIL to go off his meds.  It did not go well.  He’s finally been released from the hospital after 3 months of inpatient and outpatient care.
The DIL “made her escape from our family” last year.  In the mean time my DS has found enough in the computer and house, that i firmly believe she is UBPD.  Her unusual choices and behaviors now make sense

The more challenging issue though is my UBPDM.   , (82).  she was previously on meds for BP.  That helped to a point.  As kids she displayed to us the witch and queen behaviors of BPD.  I didn’t have a word for it as a young woman, but sought counseling to help myself with a general anger problem.  The counselor sussed out the issues with my M.  Suggested she was BPD.  That thought helps make sense of the unusual responses I had from my M as a child. 
What I’m seeing now though is a return to those behaviors she had sporadic control over.  The deception for gain, the cunning vindictiveness and turning people from white to black for a perceived slight.
We are in the midst of setting up care for my D, and she is undoing it as we go. He’s had a serious stroke.  She will only accept one of the children coming to their rescue.  Not in home help.  Suggested we all take turns with 2 weeks in their home 700 miles away.  Her kids have moved away, and we’re all at least 500 miles away.   We’ve set up care and she cancels it. Having no idea how hard it was to set up.  None of us can take 2 weeks off work right now.  Even if we could, 2 weeks at a time, with our jobs, none of us would have jobs at the end of 3 months.  It’s not feasible. 
We (3 of 4 sibs) agree on our course and are sticking to the plan.  She has cut us out and is now working on the 4th sib.  The 4th sib is more malleable at this point.   
It’s disturbing to be back at this point.  We went no contact for 3 years about 20 yrs ago.  And then my sisters went no contact also.
I have good boundaries.  I’m just heartsick that she’d use my dad as a pawn in this game.  He is a brilliant man, who has loved and also put up with the terror and drama.  I know it was hard for him too.
Now though he needs our help, and she’s truly back to her worst.
Do these behaviors get worse as a BPD person ages?   Are there predictive cycles.  Like how some illnesses are worse during hormonal changes. 
If you have suggestions ?  I’m so tired of all the impact MI, and the PD have had on my life.  But I do want to help that sweet kind man, my dad,  who was a shelter in the raging storm of my BP/UBD M.  It’s funny I realize I my DH is the calmest, kindest man, not reactive at all.  I know I chose someone who was safe.  Thank you for reading this.

[Shenandoahgirl]

I have a question about my UBPDM.  She is aging, and her negative behaviors have drastically increased.  Is this common for BPD?
A little glimpse into our life.
I have a DSchiz adopted son, a DBP DIL who is unmedicated and acting irrationally. 
My schiz son was advised on the sly by the DIL to go off his meds.  It did not go well.  He’s finally been released from the hospital after 3 months of inpatient and outpatient care.
The DIL “made her escape from our family” last year.  In the mean time my DS has found enough in the computer and house, that i firmly believe she is UBPD.  Her unusual choices and behaviors now make sense

The more challenging issue though is my UBPDM.   , (82).  she was previously on meds for BP.  That helped to a point.  As kids she displayed to us the witch and queen behaviors of BPD.  I didn’t have a word for it as a young woman, but sought counseling to help myself with a general anger problem.  The counselor sussed out the issues with my M.  Suggested she was BPD.  That thought helps make sense of the unusual responses I had from my M as a child. 
What I’m seeing now though is a return to those behaviors she had sporadic control over.  The deception for gain, the cunning vindictiveness and turning people from white to black for a perceived slight.
We are in the midst of setting up care for my D, and she is undoing it as we go. He’s had a serious stroke.  She will only accept one of the children coming to their rescue.  Not in home help.  Suggested we all take turns with 2 weeks in their home 700 miles away.  Her kids have moved away, and we’re all at least 500 miles away.   We’ve set up care and she cancels it. Having no idea how hard it was to set up.  None of us can take 2 weeks off work right now.  Even if we could, 2 weeks at a time, with our jobs, none of us would have jobs at the end of 3 months.  It’s not feasible. 
We (3 of 4 sibs) agree on our course and are sticking to the plan.  She has cut us out and is now working on the 4th sib.  The 4th sib is more malleable at this point.   
It’s disturbing to be back at this point.  We went no contact for 3 years about 20 yrs ago.  And then my sisters went no contact also.
I have good boundaries.  I’m just heartsick that she’d use my dad as a pawn in this game.  He is a brilliant man, who has loved and also put up with the terror and drama.  I know it was hard for him too.
Now though he needs our help, and she’s truly back to her worst.
Do these behaviors get worse as a BPD person ages?   Are there predictive cycles.  Like how some illnesses are worse during hormonal changes. 
If you have suggestions ?  I’m so tired of all the impact MI, and the PD have had on my life.  But I do want to help that sweet kind man, my dad,  who was a shelter in the raging storm of my BP/UBD M.  It’s funny I realize I my DH is the calmest, kindest man, not reactive at all.  I know I chose someone who was safe.  Thank you for reading this.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Shenandoahgirl
I'm sorry to hear you have so many challenges on your hands.
As far as BPD behaviours go, I have only ever seen them escalate with age. I have an undiagnosed BPD mother as well as several uBPD friendships and my bff has  uBPDm as well.

Mostly what I have seen is increasing displays of histrionics to get attention, increasing fears of abandonment as age takes its toll on the tools they previously used to get attention (eg looks, jobs, charm etc)
They become more dependent on their long standing sources of attention/stabilisation (in your case probably your father) and they resent that dependence and lack of attention from others.
I have noticed that the children are manipulated more fiercely (as in the case of an uDBPD woman I worked with for 3 years - she grew more and more jealous of her eldest daughter who is quite beautiful and friendly) and her nastiness toward her (underscored by extreme jealousy over her daughter's beauty especially in comparison to her own fading looks and increasing signs of age) became intensely hostile - bordering on psychopathic.
With my own mother, her manipulation has increased in intensity and frequency but is much more visible which prevents others being caught up in it as easily. her attention seeking however has tapered off as she runs out of people willing to listen to her endless me me me conversations.

I'm not sure if that helps you, but all I've seen and heard leads to one direction - ageing intensifies personality disorder and augments it with panic which leads to ever more instability of mood and erratic behaviour.
Ziggiddy

[zachira]

You are asking if the behaviors of a person with BPD get worse as the person ages. My mother with BPD passed away last summer and I have two siblings with BPD. Based on my experience, I would say as life becomes more challenging with aging, the person with BPD is less able to hide behind their facade of being a nice person that they present to most people except the family members they are closest to. I am sad that you are having to deal with an aging mother with BPD and a son challenged by mental illness as well. I have found it helps to make self care the number one priority so that the dysfuntional ways that family members inappropriately blame others for their own distress takes less of a toll on you.

[Shenandoahgirl]

Thank you both Zachira and Ziggiddy,
What you shared is exactly what I am seeing.  I so wish I’d seen a page like this when I was 30-40 yrs old when my UBPD M used to compare herself to me, asking others to judge between us.  I’ve lived with that so long that I’m just used to it.  She seems to relish when I struggle, or have a physical issue.  Unless it’s to compete , and has often feigned medical issues. Her kidney stone was bigger and her arm infection was ... Her situation is always bigger, worse, grander, better. 
It wasn’t until I was older and saw other families interacting that I realized just how unusual this from other moms. 
As for my dad, we decided to talk directly to his Dr.  But have yet to have the courage to do so.  It just feels like so much risk with no reward.

I really do appreciate your take on this.  I feel I walked from that life, and hate being thrust back into it during this crisis. It feels so much more Yuck (suffocating, Isolating, controlling, painful) after LC. 

I really appreciate seeing that the behaviors can get worse. Not that I want it.    I was doubting myself and she’s laying on guilt as best she can.  Through this all I’ve decided to see a T to figure out a better game plan.  It’s just fatiguing.  She’s begun splitting the sibs, and only one of them sees the BPD.  The others she’s convinced I”m driven by bitterness.   I had sort of hoped this could be something else, and “no that never happens”.  Truth is better though.  Now on to a game plan

[zachira]

All of us with a family member with BPD wish we had known sooner about BPD. It certainly takes a toll on the quality of our life especially when a parent, especially a mother, has BPD. Many of us have been to years of therapy and found it helpful. Certainly knowing the score helps, though there will always be sadness about having a mother with BPD. I had similar experiences with my mother with BPD, that she had to be number one and resented my achievements and youth. I am sorry your mother is unable to appreciate you for the fine human being you are and have become despite having a mother with BPD. We appreciate you on this site and are here to support you in any way we can.
It really hurts when your siblings don't understand that your mother has BPD, and it is hard to make them understand when your mother is so vested in making sure she can control them. I have experienced a lot of heartbreak with my siblings due to the splitting, and just want to say I know it hurts and makes dealing with your mother with BPD all the more taxing.