I cannot leave and my bpd refuses to go

[fed_up]

I sold my home that I owned free and clear to move to another state to be with her. I signed the mortgage papers, we moved in and now, almost 1 year later, it is a living hell. I have no idea, where to begin, but the mood swings, episodes of blaming me for everything under the sun.. accusing me of cheating, I'm not allowed to have friends or talk to people. I'm being financially exploited, things like food and laundry are withheld if I've misbehaved.
I have found myself waist deep in this, and my sanity is truly wearing thin. She has become physically abusive, and the abuse outreach place I was working with shut their doors unexpectedly before the start of this year. She has taken full advantage of my car being broke down, refuses to help me get to the auto parts store and she will not stop spending my social security check, leaving me in debt every month. I have reached out to family and what friends I have left but the things I try to explain make me sound like I'm the crazy one. She gaslights me to the point that I give in and pacify her, only to make her abusive rants stop. I am stuck in this cycle and I cannot get out. I've asked her to leave, told her I no longer wanted this relationship, and I've been met with threats such as physical harm and she has told me that if I reported her she would beat herself up and claim self defense. I have struggled with my own mental issues in the past, adhd and depression. I was suicidal as a teen. I'm in my 40s now, and was stable and thriving until I met her. She knows about my past, using it to her advantage. I have her on video telling me that she's been waiting for me to hang myself from the tree in the backyard. I've never been so bewildered in my life. I have become a doormat and I'm not proud of it. I tried to seek advice from a new friend and when she found out I'd been talking to someone other than her she became loving all over again, promising to do better. My stupid self took the bait and now she is worse than ever. I know that no one is coming to the rescue, I have never been the one in distress, so finding myself like this is new territory.
I don't want anything bad to happen to her, I just want her to get out of my house and leave me alone.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

Dear Fedup, I am so sorry you are going through this! You must have a strong character to have survived it so long.

 I am worried about your situation, the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when trying to leave. Can we help you with a safety plan? You can read about it here if you like: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

We are here to listen and support you. Please check back in and let us work together to get you through this.
Many 
Khib

[Cat Familiar]

Though it may seem counterintuitive, I'm moving your post to the Bettering board. There you will learn strategies to calm things down and give you breathing room as you plan how to deal with things.

[Boll2017]

Hi fed up

I was sucked back in after a suicide threat.  Lots of promises to change.  A few months later back to her old self - distorting the past and chastising me for not defending her when she fought with people.  The gaslighting is incredible.  Yes I feel like a door mat too.  Just giving in to stop the abuse.  I am worn down.

 I am working on leaving now and going no contact.  There is good guidance on the board on no contact.  

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way


Best to you.  Keep us posted