Don't know how to handle bpdMom's anger

[wmm]

My mother finished a 10 week DBT course on Friday after going to hospital for feeling suicidal in November. She seemed to be doing it very well and our relationship was good. My dad told her he didn't want to do couple's therapy anymore. She wanted to change therapists after the therapist said my dad was the more stable one and criticized my mom for going out drinking (she's an alcoholic and is doing harm reduction).

My mom got in a fight with my dad and my brother. They said my mom had been on edge for the last week. I don't know why she's mad at my brother. I was supposed to go and stay at their place on Saturday night and then I got a text message from her telling me not to visit if I was going to take my dad and brother's side and she called me selfish for not wanting to get involved, saying I was a member of the family too. I have tried to not get involved in their disagreements for the last couple of years. My siblings and mother don't like it but I stressed in family therapy that it was important for me to set boundaries. The therapist backed me up and I thought my family had accepted it.

I emailed my mother this morning acknowledging her feelings and I told her that I loved her and hoped she felt better soon. I said in one sentence that calling me selfish had hurt my feelings. I didn't ask for an apology or anything. She responded by listing all the things she had done for me and given me and accusing me of never saying thank you. She said she always listened to my problems and I never did. I have listened to her when she talks about issues with her friends or people from her church and supported her. I do not want to hear about her fights with my father. I have always said thank you for everything she has done for me and the gifts she has given me. I wrote her a long card thank her and my father for everything they have done for me. I also leant my parents several thousand dollars when I was younger. She has forgotten this. She has a very selective memory. She said she doesn't want to talk to me for a very long time.

It really bothers me when my mother is mad at me. I have no idea why she lashed out. It is very triggering for me when she gets upset at me because it reminds me of my childhood. I don't understand why she is so mad at me and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to call her and try to fix things but the more rational side of me says to ignore her and let her get over it.

What should I do? My health is also bad right now and I lost all my shifts at work last week after I had to take time off because of my injury and needed accommodations for returning to work. It is going to be very hard for me to find new work because I can only work limited hours due to my condition. I am so stressed and don't know what to do to make things better.

[Choosinghope]

Hi wmm,

Wow, that sounds so much like my mom, and how I have traditionally responded to and felt about my mom. Rest assured that you are not alone in feeling triggered or upset when your mom is angry at you. I think it is a hardwired response. My T explained that feeling the loss of a parent triggers a fight or flight reaction in us, even when we are old enough to survive without them. Thanks biology...

Anyway, something I want to emphasize is that you can't fix this. You can't fix her. You can't make this better. All that you can do is fix yourself and make yourself better. I understand all too well the impulse to just call, apologize, and smooth things over. But think about it. You've done nothing to apologize for. Calling her and taking the blame for her feelings and behaviors is simply reinforcing that pattern and telling your mom that she can continue doing that. My advice: let her work through her feelings and take some space away from her to focus on yourself. With everything that is being thrown at you right now, you really don't need to give your mom anymore of your emotional energy until you are feeling a bit more settled. I hope that you are feeling better soon!

[wmm]

Thanks for your advice. I've decided I'm going to get space and not take the blame. I'm trying to prepare myself and I'm going to do research on how to set boundaries.