how to do

[anonymous2122112]

Hi All

Married for 11 years, maybe I am not the perfect husband. Just bringing money home and trying to spend time with my OH.
Had some great times and also bad times, as every family.

We have a daughter who is 13 months old, a wonderful baby.

Since the baby is born my wife (stay-at-home mother) is rejecting me, saying wild things. Having wild mood swings such as
-(came back half an hour later from work): you should not have come back
-(I asked her once not to shake the baby) - if you don't like me let us divorce and fight for custody
-(she was looking for work and I sent to her some job ads) - if you don't like me go find some other woman that is rich.
-If you say this and this I'll throw you out of the house
Then we had again some good moments.

Yesterday I asked her if she would consider going to yoga to relax. She replied to me she needs a husband and that I love our baby more  than her, and she is done and over. Not wanting to discuss the issue.
Now what am I personally doing?
-going 42 hours a week to work
-taking out the trash
-vacuum cleaning the house, cleaning the bathrooms
-shopping for groceries
-trying to get in dialog with my wife, asking her everyday how is she feeling, how is she doing, chatting her from work
-trying to get a smile from my wife
-taking care of the baby when I am home
-not bringing work home
-leaving every morning sugar and milk in the coffee cup to be ready when she gets up
-leaving the toilet seat down so this does not bother her

I am a tolerant person and low profile
I am being served not only the cold shoulder but outright rejection. what to do to improve things?
I fear even talking to her because I fear her reactions and mood swings.
I do not fear for myself. But I do not want my baby to raise in a broken home and far from me. I just want to fix things.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BeardedRadical]

Hey anonymous2122112,

Just wanted to jump in here and say congratulations on the kid and that I hope she can bring you great joy in life, as I hope you do the same for her.

If I can make a recommendation? There's a book called "Walking on Eggshells" that I recently read concerning people with BPD (assuming your wife does have BPD - has she been diagnosed?). I think if you could get a copy of this and begin going through it would be incredibly helpful. There are entire sections explaining BPD, what to expect, what to make of certain behavior, as well as strategies for approaching the issue. There are also specific chapters concerning children with BPD, children in families with parents who have BPD, and so forth.

As far as the things you're listing that you do, if she does in fact have BPD these facts will not matter in the moment. She will discount them, deny them, ignore them, or work them against you somehow. From what I understand, that's just how this rolls.

When she's "triggered" you need to have strategies in place to protect your own mental health, your child's well being, as well as preventing the situation from escalating. When she is no longer angry/livid, then you may be able to talk and address the situation. You also may not get any satisfaction from these discussions. I don't think this means it can't get better - it can. But that requires effort and work on your wifes part. You can be the perfect partner, perfectly understanding of BPD and doing everything you would need to do... but if she doesn't change, nothing will change in the relationship.

The best I would recommend is to try and convince her to go talk to someone. Its also not that long after the child was born, so maybe there's something going on related to that as well (post-partum depression, etc.). Doesn't mean BPD isn't the issue, but that could be interacting with it.

You sound like a good husband. Keep up being the best person you can. Just remember to protect yourself, and most importantly now to protect your child.

Here to support,

-BeardedRadical

[anonymous2122112]

Hi

Thanks for encouraging me. Yes I got the book and I am reading it in pauses at work...
Yes I am trying hard to be a good husband. I believe it is in our nature to be good, or I thought so...

my wife is the kind that thinks only she is right. if I tell her to go do something for her, as she pleases, she denies.
If I would tell her to go to therapy she will probably tell me go f*** myself.

Now I have the better part of her, smiling and acting normally, in the evening turns her head when I try to kiss her and rolls over in the bed to the other side.
The baby hits her when changing diapers and she begins yelling at the baby. The baby does not eat well and plays with the food and once she was without reaction looking into the void, letting the baby cry for 10 minutes. The baby cries because she wants attention... I came downstairs (I had homeoffice) and I took the baby in my arms and baby ceased crying. Then she became mad at me.
Twice did she slap the baby's feet when the baby hit her. I am even afraid to react, I fear her reactions.

I told her I support her and I love her. She answers: yeah right, you don't give a f*** about me.

she is sad she cannot find a job due to the rassism in the country we are living in. But I am supporting her. This also brings her down.
I believe she needs me but I struggle to be accepted again in this marriage... I cannot see her changing.
Every time she ignores me I am thinking now about separation.. but this would be worse for her and ultimately for the baby. I don't even consider the consequences for me in the next 20 years...