going round in circles - lost - help me feel less alone?

[angelkitty]

Hi,
  I am certain that my bf of 5 years has BPD - the first 6 months we were together were amazing but then everything changed. I believed so much in the love I had recieved from him in the beginning I blamed all the behaviour changes and mood swings on the challenges and changes that life had thrown in his or our direction, for a long time I allowed him to get away with things I would never have allowed anyone else to, holding on to the hope that one day things would return to how they started. But they never have. The really rough period which went went though seems to have passed (sometimes I can't believe I hung in there all that time because it lasted about 2 years!)
 There was a particular incident that occurred where I just couldn't understand where an explosion of rage had come from in him which got me googling for some kind of explaination which was when I came across BPD - it describes him perfectly and would explain some many of his ways which I struggled to understand.
 Currently, 5 years in I feel so lost and confused within my relationship with him. He wants me close and to stay with him at his house as much as possible but is not keen to move in together which has made our relationship even harder as living between two homes i very tiering - even trying to bring up the conversation of living together is difficult as he will cut it off or say he needs to find the perfect house or some other short answer. He is not currently angry or overly negative towards me as he has been in times in the past, instead he just seems depressive and disinterested. He will tell me he needs me so much yet give so little back - i feel very lonely and unheard in our relationship. I may visit his just for us to sit and watch TV with no real interaction.
 I just feel so alone. I don't know how to make things better -  I love him so much but I hurt so much from this relationship. Part of me thinks I should break up with him as I can't see an answer but then I know how much I care for and love him and know it will hurt us both to be apart. I have seen him suicidal before and do not want to hurt him in anyway or send him on that path.
 I don't feel I have anyone to talk to who can understand. I do not talk about his behaviour to many people - to the odd friend who I may mention it too I can see that they can't understand. I don't think anyone I know could understand how it feels to be questioning yourself and your relationship everyday. Trying to work out a riddle with no answer. Feeling so so so sad but unable to break away because you love the person causing you pain so so much. Sometimes I feel like I am going mad. I feel asthough sometimes it is all I think about. I know this is not healthy but I cant find an answer I am happy with.
 He went to a couple of counselling sessions last year after I gave him a little bit of an ultimatum but they only made a little bit of difference for a short while. I don't know if he will commit to long term counselling - I think he holds it as something which is not useful for him after having mostly unhelpful sessions previously in life.

 I would really like someone to talk to who has experienced something similar to what I am going through as I feel I am losing my mind and myself sometimes ( I have my own counsellor who is fantastic but they still cant understand how I feel inside.) I feel like i'm trapped - like by bf has a big wall around him which I cant quite get through and I now have a wall around me which he's been building and I struggle to keep demolishing as all his insecurities and accusations take me away from some of the other things I previously enjoyed in life.

Help?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[paperinkart]

I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way! In some way or another, we are all experiencing/have experienced what you are struggling with!

I don’t know about you but I felt immense relief when i found out about BPD. It completely explained my last two years with my partner and everything started to make sense.

I wish I had better advice for you but for now, have you tried reading the book “Loving Someone with BPD”? It might help give you compassion to him and how he handles emotions. Then maybe you can better understand how to move forward in a different way and see if this improve at all.

We’re all here for you! Best of luck

[Ziggiddy]

Hi angelkitty  and welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us and told us what has been happening.
It sounds like you are feeling not only lonely and confused but quite isolated.
When people have BPD it is a struggle to understand their behaviours in many situations and for folks who haven't gone through it, sometimes impossible for them to understand.
Often the advice that well-meaning friends give is actually hindering rather than helpful as it can make things worse, not better.

The book that  paperinkart  mentioned may be a very good resource in  shedding some light and giving you some ideas where to go next in managing it. Although ultimately, each of us is responsible for our own growth/development/mental and emotinoal wellbeing there are many techniques which can make life a little easier for you and perhaps keep things from escalating at least.

You mentioned that he seems to want to have you close but then when you are around he doesn't always really connect with you. pwBPD often engage in push-pull behaviours. They are terrified of abandonment so push people away but then they fear losing them and pull them back. It is an exhausting and confusing cycle.

Some resources here on the site that may be of use to you include articles, board discussions and book recommendations.
You could have a look at some of the resources in the drop down menu in the bar at the top of the page marked 'Tools'
I hope that you find some help there. If at all possible I really recommend getting with a good therapist who understands personality disorder as it is a very complex issue and you seem like you could do with some validating support.
A good therapist will guide you through understanding BPD and learning how to deal with the impacts upon yourself.
Please do let us know if any of the tools above are helpful or if you have any questions.

You also mentioned that your partner went to therapy at your suggestion. What led you to recommend that to him? Did he tell you why he stopped going?

Ziggiddy